Asch #2
That was supposed to be a secret. No one was ever supposed to find out about it, let alone Blaze himself.
My jaw clenches, and my hands ball into fists at my sides.
“Guess that would be enough to provoke you, yeah,” I say, my voice strange even to my own ears. Distant. Cautious. Empty.
Why the fuck would Pandora have done that? I thought she was done punishing us, punishing me. She’d pushed Blaze and me apart once before. Why is she doing it again?
I don’t understand.
“You actually did that?” Blaze’s tone is still uncharacteristically even.
I can’t keep looking at him. I can’t meet his eyes.
I get up, starting to pace as agitation races through me.
And fear, visceral and soul-destroying, because this might be the very thing that finally drives Blaze away from me.
I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him.
I guess I’m going to find out, and bile rises up in my throat.
“Yes,” I choke out. “Do you want me to leave?”
Blaze lets out this strange, garbled laugh. “I have no fucking clue, Asch.” He rests his jaw on his hand. “I watched your confession. Drugged me, huh? I didn’t even notice.”
I can’t look at him. I stare down at the floor instead as my steps carry me from one end of the room to the other, then back. “Yeah,” I repeat. “I’m… Fuck, sorry doesn’t even start to cover it, does it?”
Despair makes me regret every second of that decision.
It had been so fucking stupid, and I’m going to lose my best friend over it.
Something hits me, though, and I stop pacing to glance at him. “Why even bother to ask? If you watched the video?”
Blaze shrugs. “Just wanted to see if you’d admit it.” He gives me a wry smile. “I don’t know which answer I wanted.”
I run my hand through my hair. “Yeah, well,” I mutter. “It was stupid.”
Stupid, and wrong, and even worse than when I’d fucked his mouth with Pandora egging me on.
He hadn’t hated me after that, somehow, but he’s going to hate me now.
I can’t say I blame him, either.
Blaze rests his head against the back of the couch and crosses his arms. “It was. I should fucking hate you, Asch,” he says with a laugh. “What the actual fuck? I was asleep, for fuck’s sake. Did Declan get his stash of drugs from you?”
“What? No!” I tell him. For some reason, the idea that I might’ve been the one giving out the date rape drug is worse than the fact that I used them on him.
I don’t know why.
It doesn’t make sense.
But I don’t want him to think I was enabling anyone else.
Fuck.
“What did you like the most?” Blaze asks, and finally, there’s actual anger. “Me being all knocked out? Knowing I’d never find out? Getting to see me helpless?”
“No,” I tell him. “It wasn’t… satisfying, if that’s what you’re thinking. And it was only once.”
Like that makes it any better.
If I’m honest with myself, I don’t even know why I did it.
I’d known I was risking everything.
I’d done it anyway.
“Strangely, that doesn’t reassure me.” Blaze gets up and stalks over to me. His eyes flare with anger, and I take a step back. He grips my shirt to keep me in place. “Tell me why you did it,” he hisses.
I brace myself for a punch. I’ll take it because I deserve it. After what I did, I deserve the kind of beatdown that Marcus and Rich had been determined to give me.
“Because I’m a coward,” I tell him.
“A coward?” Blaze repeats, incredulous. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“I was too scared to tell you that I wanted you one-on-one sometimes. I had a massive thing for you, and I wanted to see what it was like, and it was stupid,” I say, swallowing hard. “I was just figuring out that I was bi, and I thought it would… clear something up? I don’t fucking know, Blaze.”
I see the punch coming, but I don’t evade. Blaze’s fist crashes into my jaw, the pain more immediate than any of the blows I’d suffered earlier. I wince, but I swallow my cry of pain.
I close my eyes and wait for the next hit.
“Fuck you, Alvarado,” Blaze growls, right before his lips press against mine.
The kiss shocks me more than the punch had, but it doesn’t take me longer than a beat to kiss him back. It’s rough, devouring, everything I’d wanted the night I’d decided to drug him. I groan against his mouth, but I don’t dare grab him or step closer.
Blaze pushes forward, forcing me to back up until I’m against the wall. His lips barely leave mine, and he nips and bites. When I gasp for air, his tongue invades my mouth, and I swim in his taste.
He’s as intoxicating as I feared.
This isn’t like the last time we’d kissed in New Valence, or even when we’d kissed in front of Pandora. It’s more visceral somehow.
He’s not Pandora; this is harder, deeper, satisfying on a different level entirely.
I wish she was here to see this.
I can imagine her sitting on the couch, her legs spread as she fingers herself while she encourages us to kiss.
Or would she? Is she steady enough to handle it right now, or does she need us both focused entirely on her?
But I need this reassurance that Blaze doesn’t hate me.
Blaze pulls away, fury still written across his features. “No reaction? Are you pretending to be the one drugged this time?”
“Fuck you,” I snarl at him. I grab him by the back of the neck and pull him in, wrapping my leg around his and dragging him close to my body as I kiss him harder.
Blaze grins against my lips. I don’t need to see his face to know exactly what that smile looks like, smug and self-satisfied.
I shove against his chest, sending him back a few steps.