63. -62-
Dorian
Iamputated limbs with steadier hands. My palms were sweaty as I gripped the steering wheel, and Aryna’s chirping came to me from far away because I focused on only one thing. How do I explain to Nina that a six-year-old girl will be living in my house from now on?
You’re the same idiot as always, the voice said in my head. When will you finally grow up?
“I forgot,” I mumbled under my breath, glancing in the rearview mirror. Aryna was showing her teddy bear the streets and buildings, her face glowing with happiness. She smiled from ear to ear, describing my house as if it were a castle, even though she hadn’t been there.
Congratulations. You forgot to mention the child. Did you know wives don’t appreciate surprises that come with legal paperwork? The demon mocked, pushing me to my limits.
“Stop,” I pleaded, keeping my voice down so Aryna didn’t notice my internal panic. “I know I fucked up.”
Colossally. He flashed me the most self-satisfied grin imaginable, then finally shut up.
I leaned back in my seat, scowling at the road. All kinds of terrible scenarios popped up in my head, and they all ended the same, with Nina packing her toothbrush and clothes she brought from her apartment.
“Fuck,” I hissed, barely audible. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Dorian?” Aryna’s innocent voice cut through the fear hazing my brain.
“Yes, angel?” I smiled into the mirror, acting like everything was peach perfect.
“Can I call you ‘Daddy’ now?”
She caught me so unprepared that I almost hit the car in front of us. Her eyes widened, fear sneaking into her blue irises.
“Sorry,” I exhaled, turning to her. “I didn’t expect you to ask that.”
“I’ll just call you Dorian,” she whispered, squeezing the teddy bear for dear life.
“No.” I shook my head resolutely and took her tiny hand. “You can call me Daddy, okay?” The happy spark returned to her eyes. “I am your dad.”
She nodded eagerly, her face glowing like a Christmas tree.
“And I’m your daughter,” she said, grinning. My chest tightened so painfully I almost couldn’t breathe. I was becoming a father. “It’s green. You can go.”
“Of course.” I laughed, at least for a moment forgetting about the conversation that awaited me at home.
But the dread returned with full force when I stopped the car in front of my house.
Aryna bounced on her feet like a yo-yo, running from flowerbeds to the backyard and between the trees as if it was the first time she saw a garden.
I picked up her old Minnie Mouse backpack and waited patiently for her at the front door, while also making a mental note to buy her a new one. It barely held together.
“It’s so beautiful.” She spun around on the gravel road. “Do I really live here?”
“Yes.” I nodded, opening the door. “You really do.”
She ran inside past me and squealed in surprise. I hurried behind her, walking into the living room just in time to see Nina closing the tiniest, sexiest satin robe around herself to cover… well, something not suitable for Aryna’s eyes.
“Hello,” Nina exhaled, staring at me in evident shock. “I didn’t know we’d have company.”
Oh, fuck! She texted me, promising a surprise.
“I forgot to text you,” I said, placing my briefcase and Aryna’s backpack on the couch. “I’m sorry. It was a crazy day.”
“You can explain now,” Nina suggested, tightening the thin fabric around her body.
“Or you know what?” She smiled forcefully at Aryna, who glanced at her curiously.
“I need to change. Dorian, will you join me?” She pointed upstairs; her sharp look wasn’t taking no for an answer.
“You can check the house, honey. And the food is in the kitchen.”
“Okay.” Aryna smiled brightly, already running toward where Nina pointed.
“Just be careful!” I yelled behind her. “And don’t touch the knives.”
She didn’t answer, so I sighed and dragged myself up the stairs into my bedroom.
“I can explain,” I said the moment we stepped inside and the door closed.
“Please, be so kind.” Nina crossed her arms over her chest. “Why is the little girl from your hospital in our house with a backpack? Are you having sleepovers?”
“She’s moving in.” I ripped off the bandage, hoping for the best. It was pointless to try to sugarcoat it.
“Moving in?” Nina echoed, incredulity dripping from her tongue. “Here. With you.” She stared at me as if I’d lost my mind. “With us.”
“Yes,” I confirmed, my heart thundering somewhere in my throat. “I know I should’ve told you sooner. I’m sorry… I…”
“I don’t understand you.” She raised her hand to stop me. “You make no sense.” Her frown deepened. “Moving in? A six-year-old girl?” She threw her arms into the air. “Why am I the last person to find out?”
“Nina, please.” I clasped my hands in a pleading gesture, inhaling deeply to calm myself a little. “Let me explain.”
She stared at me for a moment, biting her lower lip.
“Speak.”
I gulped. I had one chance to say this right. The urge to keep Nina and Aryna under my roof was overwhelming, and my stomach knotted.
“I’m adopting Aryna,” I revealed, my arms falling at my sides. “I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you. So much was going on, and…”
“Forgot?” Nina repeated, her face contorting with sadness. “How can you forget that? We were in the hospital every day. I sat beside her outside the conference room! How could you forget?”
“My brother was dying.” My voice trembled as that terrible memory crashed into reality. “I wasn’t thinking—”
“You really weren’t,” she cut me off, raising her hand to stop my protests, but I wouldn’t let her shut me up.
“You can’t possibly fathom what I went through,” I ground out, trying to avoid confrontation. We could talk it out. Fuck, I really forgot!
“No?” Her lower lip quivered. “I was there, remember? Holding you until you fell asleep in your office. Hugging you when you trembled like you couldn’t take the pain any longer.
For days, I was by your side and not once,” she lifted her index finger angrily, “not one fucking time did you mention that girl is special to you!”
“Nina, I’m sorry.”
“For what, huh?” she spat. “You’re sorry that you forgot to tell me, or—” She flinched, pulling her arm away when I tried to touch her. “You’re sorry that you decided our future without me?”
“Excuse me?” Disbelief filled my chest, mixing with pain and fear of losing her. “A few weeks ago, we didn’t have a future. And don’t forget, you little hypocrite, that you’re the one who kidnapped me! You forced me to marry you! So, who decided our future without me?”
“But I didn’t bring a child to your doorstep and announce you’ll be a daddy,” she snapped, stomping to the closet.
“I wouldn’t have minded!” I yelled, panic clouding my judgment when she put on her jeans.
“But I do mind!” She tossed her tiny satin robe on the bed before wiping a lone angry tear that fell on her cheek. “I do mind that you’re throwing a huge responsibility at me without having the decency to ask.”
“What decency?” My arms flew helplessly in the air. “I forgot. I swear, ma vilaine. I forgot.”
She momentarily closed her eyes and shook her head as if what I was saying was complete bullshit. I understood she was angry. Yes, I made a mistake, but fuck, it wasn’t intentional.
“Nina, please.” I closed the distance between us, brushing my fingers against her forearm. I was desperate for contact, for reassurance that we would work it out somehow. But instead…
“Don’t touch me.” She pushed past me and left the bedroom without another word.
I stared at the door, my whole body shaking. The demon in my head went ballistic, screaming at me to do something, yet I couldn’t make myself do anything.
Slowly, I dragged myself into the hall and collapsed at the top of the stairs. My forehead pressed against the wooden railing, the voice shattering my sanity echoing everywhere around me like a curse. My breathing was heavy, and bile rose in my throat.
Don’t touch me!
The words brought to light memories buried deep in my psyche. The tendrils of despair wrapped around my heart, slashing my soul to pieces like a thousand knives.
Don’t touch me!
The voice resonated in my head, chasing away every happy memory and everything good I had ever done, leaving only the destruction I had brought to her.
It was your fault then, the demon yelled in my head. And it’s your fault now!
I pressed my hands against the sides of my head, wanting to scream and cry and tear my hair out just to make him disappear. But he was rooted deep within me.
You’re a fucking…
“Daddy?”
I flinched, the shrieks instantly vanishing when Aryna’s thin voice cut through the fog.
“Daddy?” Her small hand touched mine as she stared at me with pure fright. “Are you okay?”