8. Chicken of the Sea
Chicken of the Sea
When the heavens open and blessings pour down, it’s best to remember umbrellas can be held upside down.
The WWJD lobby, once a heavenly haven of beige walls and mauve faux-leather seating, now hummed with chaos.
The air carried the sharp tang of burnt coffee and the relentless RING!
RING! of the office phones. Over in the corner, a dusty fax machine whirred, spitting out messages like an overworked stenographer.
Carrington, impeccably dressed in a mint, satin shirtdress that shimmered faintly under the fluorescent lights, darted from phone to phone, headset slightly askew. Their normally smooth demeanour was fraying at the edges.
“WWJD! What would Jesus Do? What can I do for you?” they said, voice pitched high and frantic. “PLEASE HOLD!” Their finger jabbed at the blinking button, the line switching to another caller in an instant.
The phones continued their relentless RING! RING!
“WWJD! What would Jesus Do? What can I do for you? PLEASE HOLD!”
Another ring. Another frantic answer, “WWJD! What would Jesus do? What can I do for you? PLEASE HOLD!”
Overhead, the intercom buzzed. Suwarna’s voice, steady as always, cut through the chaos, “Carrington, is everything okay down there? You sound a little… stretched.”
“Not now, Suwarna!” Carrington shot back, one hand waving toward the ceiling like a cow’s tail shooing a bee. “I have like thirty-seven people on hold! Can our switchboard even handle that?!”
The intercom buzzed again, and Suwarna’s voice cut through the din, maintaining its unflappable calm, “I’m coming down to help.
There’s a point in every VP of Communications’ life when they need to step away from their corner office overlooking the river, take the elevator down two floors, and help her people. ”
Carrington nearly melted with relief, “Suwarna, yes, you’re a saint! Now, please, PLEASE come help. I’m drowning here!”
A pause. Then Suwarna’s voice returned, sharp and concerned, “Carrington! Not the D-word. What if Emma-Lou overheard you? As Career and Guidance Counselor here, I must remind you that the following words have been banned at WWJD: drowning, open sea, buoy, buoyancy, Buoy-O-Boy life jacket, triangle, triangular, Isosceles triangle, Isosceles trapezoid…”
“SUWARNA!” Carrington interrupted, practically shrieking, “I KNOW the list! I need help! Please just come rescue me!”
Another pause. “Carrington, both of those phrases are also banned. I’ll be down shortly.”
Carrington pushed their bangs out of their eyes with a huff, muttering, “Thank you. I need to go. There are thirty-seven people waiting for me to get back on the line.”
“Wait! You have thirty-seven people on hold? Find out what they want. I’m coming down to get to the bottom of this. You can hang up now.”
“I can’t hang up on you. You’re on the intercom.
You just need to stop pressing the button.
” The crackle of the intercom disconnected, and Carrington dutifully picked back up the phone, “WWJD! Thank you for holding. What can I do for you? Mm hmm… yes, she said that? Mm hmmm… she sang about it? Mm hmmmm… a tap interlude? Yes? You’d like to advertise?
Absolutely! Yes, it is our most popular show.
Trinity Radio Hour. Mm hmm… and will this be a one-time spot or would you like to…
? For the next three months? All spots during the Trinity Radio Hour? ”
Moments later, the elevator dinged, and Suwarna, dressed in an impeccably pressed burgundy blazer, walked briskly toward the front desk, Emma-Lou trailing behind.
“Thank you, Tonya. I’m just going to put you on a baareeef hold and then we’ll get your billing account set up, mmkay?
” Carrington, now juggling two phones and a notepad with a credit card number scrawled on it, greeted them with wide, frantic eyes.
“Emma-Lou! Suwarna! So nice of you to answer my cry for hel–uh, my request for assistance.”
Emma-Lou frowned, “Carrington, what is going on?”
“Why is everyone calling us? Is the building on fire? I didn’t see any smoke from my corner office overlooking the park on the West or the windows overlooking the river valley on the North,” Suwarna offered.
“But I do smell something burning. Did someone use the Pop-O-Matic popcorn machine in the lobby again? I sent out a memo weeks ago. It’s a fire hazard.
Please refrain. We can’t have another disaster on our hands or my conscience. ”
“You know I’m strictly off corn due to how it horrifies me by reappearing days later once I’ve clearly forgotten about it.
It’s such a spooky vegetable.” Carrington gestured to the phones and the blinking switchboard, their voice almost triumphant.
“The Trinity Radio Hour is what’s going on!
Ever since the show started, the phones, and even the fax, have been ringing off the hook! ”
Emma-Lou blinked, “Wait. Who’s calling? Who’s faxing? We only get press releases from that one persistent talent manager on the fax.”
“Listeners,” Carrington said simply.
Suwarna’s usually calm facade cracked in surprise, “Listeners?!”
“Listeners!” Carrington nodded, then added with a flourish, “and advertisers.”
Emma-Lou nearly stumbled, “Advertisers? Stop it. Is this a joke?”
“It’s no joke,” Carrington said, sounding smug. “The switchboard is on fire. I don’t normally answer the phone because it’s not in my job description…”
Suwarna interjected smoothly, “As head of HR, I will remind you, it is in your job description. That’s literally your job. Along with the filing and all the paperwork I don’t understand.”
Carrington ignored her, “...and because it’s normally bill collectors.
But today? I was just feeling spicy, and I thought, Carrington, you’ve had two gentleman callers this week and one of them is bound to call you for a date.
And if you don’t pick up the phone just because you’re afraid of a tax person or a debt collector, you just might miss the best thing that hasn’t happened to you yet. ”
“Do you normally take personal calls at work?” Emma-Lou asked.
“No, of course not.”
“Yes, they do,” Suwarna clarified.
“Soooo, I start answering calls and even though no one is inviting me out for dinner at Chuck’s Roadhouse and Grill followed by an enthusiastic conversation about the angst and disillusionment of the characters in Empire Records while we happen to find ourselves parked at the Napanee Conservation Area waterfalls… ” Carrington explained.
“So romantic at night! With the lights on the falls?!” Suwarna gushed.
“I know! So, even though that didn’t happen–we’ve had more listener calls than…
Well, ever. And I have the credit cards for four, well, now five advertisers who want to buy spots during the Trinity Radio Hour.
” Carrington shook their head in disbelief, “I took a gamble, I answered the phone and we’re being rewarded! ”
Emma-Lou pressed a hand to her chest, her voice barely above a whisper, “This is an answer to our prayers. We can clean that mob money!”
Suwarna nodded, tears suddenly welling in her eyes, “You’re not going to disappear, Emma-Lou!” She reached over and hugged her boss tightly.
Carrington, now emboldened, grinned, “Sure, my suitors haven’t called yet, but this is shaping up to be a very good day at WWJD.”
Emma-Lou pulled back from the hug, still processing, “What exactly is Trinity doing that’s getting people this excited?”
Carrington leaned forward conspiratorially, “Well, there’s been tap dancing.”
Emma-Lou blinked, “Okay…”
“And some basketball dribbling accompanying the tap dancing.”
Emma-Lou’s brows furrowed further, “Okay…”
“And then Rebekkah sang a song about how God is a woman. And that’s really when the phones started ringing.”
Emma-Lou froze, “What?!”
“Obviously,” Suwarna nodded, looking from Carrington to Emma-Lou and back again. “You both knew that right?”
“No! No, no, no!! We’re going to be ridiculed! Roasted! What is she doing?” Emma-Lou planted her palms against Carrington’s desk, breathing in heavy gulps.
“She’s saving the station, Emma-Lou,” Carrington said firmly. “People love it. Want to listen in?”
Emma-Lou nodded slowly, as if bracing herself for impact, “Yes.”
Carrington reached for a button on their desk, turning up the lobby speakers just as the station’s DJ announced, “And we’re back with Trinity Radio Hour featuring the banter and bops of Rebekkah, Ronald, and Japheth!”
From the speakers, Rebekkah’s voice rang out, exasperated yet playful, “So, like I was saying, why don’t dresses have pockets?”
Ronald replied smoothly, “The patriarchy?”
“Yes!” Rebekkah shouted. “You two may not have vaginas, but you act like you do. I love you guys.”
Japheth’s voice chimed in, warm and affectionate, “We love you too, Rebekkah. Well, not like that, because I’m gay.”
“And I’m poly and pansexual,” Ronald added matter-of-factly.
Rebekkah sighed dreamily, “Which is pretty rad. I’m a virgin. You know who I think about when I think about virgins?”
“Who?” Japheth asked, intrigued.
Carrington turned to Suwarna and Emma-Lou, “I always think about Jessica Simpson. And then I think about Chicken of the Sea. And then I get hungry.”
Emma-Lou literally clutched her pearls, “What is going on?!”
“Really though?” Suwarna shook her head, “Have you seen Nick Lachey? She’s never genuflected in front of him? Come on. When I think of a virgin, I think… Hillary Duff.”
Carrington tilted their head thoughtfully, “Why?”
“I just… believe it,” Suwarna replied with a little nod of her head.
Emma-Lou looked from one of her employees to the other and back again, “Am I dreaming? What is happening?!”
Carrington and Suwarna exchanged glances, then turned back to the speakers, grinning, “Shhh, Emma-Lou!” Carrington whispered, “We’re listening.”
“Oh my God! We’re listening to WWJD!” Suwarna shrieked.
Carrington grinned and gave her an awkward little fist bump, “Did you ever think you would?”
“Not even if it was mandatory in order to get the bumped-up health and dental plan.”
“Do we have a health and dental plan?” Emma-Lou asked.
From the lobby speakers, Rebekkah began to sing and Trinity joined her in perfect harmony,
“God’s not a dude! She’s a dudette.
Look around the world, and you’ll see that it’s true!
Our Mother in Heaven is what we should say,
because God’s not a dude!”
Suwarna beamed, “I’ve never been prouder to work here.”
Emma-Lou stared, mouth agape, “This… this is insane.”
Carrington grinned, “Insanely good.”
LISTEN to HERstory (Radio Edit)