Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
I made my excuses and retreated to the Oxford Bookship where my fears grew even stronger.
I’d tried to share my problems, but I’d chosen to share them with the wrong person, and it had made me feel worse.
I checked my watch. Was it too late to call Flick?
I could imagine her offended response to me even asking that question.
It was only my stupid pride that had stopped me from confiding in her before.
She was my best friend. Perhaps it was time to tell her everything that had been on my mind.
Before I could chicken out, I hit her number, but when she picked up, I put my own issues to one side because I knew instantly something was up.
‘Hey lovely, what’s the matter?’
‘I’m all good,’ she insisted in an overly bright tone. ‘How’s life with you?’
‘Absolutely fine,’ I responded, quickly deciding that this was not the moment after all to burden her with my worries.
There was a pause as we both considered how to persuade the other to share her woes.
‘Is everything alright with you and Liam?’ I asked.
‘Liam? Yes, I think so,’ she said distractedly.
‘Work then?’
I heard her swallow.
‘Tell me,’ I urged.
‘It’s no big deal, honestly. I’m probably overreacting.’
‘Flick, you are the most together person I know. If you’re upset about something, it’s because it’s justified.’
She made a noise which sounded suspiciously like she was trying to hold back a sob.
‘The paper’s making changes. Well, that’s how they’re describing it, but everyone knows it’s code for cutbacks.’
I wished I was with Flick instead of at the other end of the phone from her.
‘I’m sorry. I’m sending you a virtual hug. And if you want, I’ll set off right now with Hilda to come over and give you a hug in person. We can be with you in less than an hour.’
‘It’s practically the middle of the night. Much as I’d love a Hilda hug, please don’t worry. I’ll be fine.’
‘The offer stands. You can change your mind at any moment, and I promise I’ll be there. Have they given any indication who might be affected? They do realise if they got rid of you, they wouldn’t be able to fill the paper? You have to be the most prolific, hard-working reporter they’ve got.’
Flick gave a wobbly laugh. ‘That’s sweet of you to say.
They haven’t got as far as telling us who’s at risk, but all the indications are that they’re going to try to combine our team with the sister paper in London, so we work over both titles.
And of course, that means anyone who does the same job as someone from the London paper is at risk. ’
‘But shouldn’t that mean you’re okay? You’re the expert on council matters in Oxford. Nobody in London is going to be doing that role.’
‘Ah, but the London paper doesn’t have a local democracy reporter at the moment, so that’s my big news.
They’re going to send me there for a trial run for the next fortnight to see what “added value” I could bring to that team.
Basically I’m spending this weekend packing a bag and trying to brace myself for life in the big city. ’
Hilda rested her head on my lap, and I gently stroked her ears as I thought about how to respond to Flick.
I couldn’t bear the thought of my best friend moving away permanently.
If it was what she chose, then I would be happy for her, but I could tell from the tone of her voice it wasn’t what she wanted at all.
‘A trial run? I’m assuming that means it’s a trial for all parties involved. They can’t make you move there if you don’t want to, right?’
‘That’s the one thing I’m trying to cling to.
A permanent move is definitely not on the cards, according to Neil anyway.
He says it’s because they’re too stingy to pay me London rates for a start.
No, if they decide I “add value” to the London paper’s coverage with my expertise, I’ll get that added to my remit.
So, I’ll have to look after Oxford and London council news, potentially commuting down there every few days, which means I’ll be even less likely to get the opportunity to do the stories I actually want to do. ’
‘That sucks.’
‘It does indeed.’
‘Try not to worry about the bigger picture. Just concentrate on getting through the next fortnight and seeing how that goes, and then once that’s out of the way, you might have a better sense of what will happen next.
You can only control how you react to each situation as it arises.
Worrying about hypotheticals won’t help.
’ Even as I said it, I knew I was being hypocritical.
I was giving her advice which I struggled to follow myself.
I could hear the smile in Flick’s voice as she responded. ‘How’s that technique going for you?’
I hesitated and she laughed.
‘Yeah, I thought so. Spill, Bramble. What’s been playing on your mind for the past few weeks? I know there’s something, even though you’ve tried your best to keep it from me.’
‘I thought I’d done a pretty good job.’
‘You were almost convincing. I would have had it out of you sooner if I hadn’t been distracted by Liam.’
I had to tell her. ‘Speaking of Liam, there’s something you should know about him,’ I said, quickly relaying the whole protein shake incident.
I could picture her frowning at the other end of the line.
‘Okay, that’s not ideal behaviour. But if they’re selling that shake in this country, then it will have been tested and passed by the relevant food authorities, so it’s not like he’s flogging something that’s going to make people ill.
It’s not Liam’s fault he doesn’t like the taste. ’
I was relieved by her reassurance. ‘You’re right. I was surprised, that’s all. I felt I should tell you.’
She laughed. ‘We’ve been on a few dates and I like the guy, but it’s not like we’re getting married. But I appreciate the heads-up. I shall be on my guard against questionable green concoctions. And you’re not going to get away with distracting me any longer. What’s been worrying you, lovely?’
After a moment’s hesitation, I summoned up my courage and told her.
My crippling anxiety over the mooring fees; the added pressure from my increased loan payments; my paralysing fear that Jack Siddall was going to swoop in and take over my home.
As I spoke nothing materially changed. The problems were still there, and still apparently insurmountable.
But as least I felt less lonely in dealing with them.
The seemingly permanent tension in my shoulders eased a little.
‘My love, why didn’t you tell me before?’ The compassion in Flick’s voice was nearly my undoing.
‘I didn’t want to worry you. And I didn’t want to disappoint you,’ I added quietly.
There was a splutter of indignation at the other end of the line.
‘I’m your best friend. I worry more if you don’t tell me things.
And you could never disappoint me. I’ll return the “don’t worry” lecture you’ve just delivered me.
You’re doing your best to raise the capital for your mooring fees.
As to the other issue, even if Jack wants to create a bigger venture one day, the point is that his current one is based on a single berth on a single boat.
And he hasn’t even opened that for business yet.
Any changes are way down the line, and as you’ve kindly reminded me, there’s no point in worrying about what might happen in the future.
You’ve got to focus on the here and now.
Everything else will fall into place and you’ll deal with whatever situations arise as and when they do so. Right?’
‘You’re correct, my wise friend.’
‘Don’t get too carried away, you’ll make me big headed,’ said Flick with a laugh. I was glad that she was sounding more like her usual self.
We chatted for a bit longer, until it became obvious that Flick was so tired she was nearly falling asleep on the phone, and after extracting a promise from each other not to dwell on our worries, we said goodnight.
Unfortunately, I only managed to keep my promise for a short while after I hung up the phone, because in the silence of the early hours, my annoying brain started picking over the impending inspection again.
Logically, I knew everything was in order and that the inspector wouldn’t be able to find any issues.
However, it didn’t stop my mind summoning worst-case scenarios.
Losing my mooring because I couldn’t pay the fees was one thing, but having it taken away because an inspector had found me lacking would be beyond mortifying.
How on earth would I explain that to Nana Rose?
What I should have done was ignore the spiralling thoughts and gone to bed with a sleep meditation playing on my phone to quieten my mind. Instead, I went into hyper mode and decided the best way to distract myself was by staying up late rearranging the displays in the bookshop.
There was something about the physical act of moving books around the shop that made me feel like I was achieving something practical, although if I was being completely honest with myself, all I was really achieving was creating a great big mess.
I needed to assert my authority on the space while I still could, a particularly intrusive thought which I struggled to ignore.
If the bookshop failed, what would I do next?
My CV, such as it was, was a patchwork of random jobs taken for practical reasons rather than because I had a passion for the profession I was trying my hand at.
Nothing had ever felt right until the Oxford Bookship.
And barely fourteen months of running my own business would only tell a prospective employer I was no good at sticking to something and making it work.