Blindly Yours

46 | Secrets and Truths

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The funfair is a bustle of lights and people. Teenagers screeching so much my ears hurt, rides swooshing with the jingle of upbeat music and carnival sound effects. This town has always gone insane whenever the funfair arrives, as if we have nothing else to do. Maybe we don't.

The group chat has gone silent and no matter what corner I move to that service bar won't tick up a few blocks, leaving me stationed beside someone whacking a machine with a big hammer.

They keep attempting to bribe the guy working there to give them another attempt for free when they can't get anywhere near the bell.

The last message, about ten minutes ago, was from Kat, saying she was almost here.

Where? I have no idea. Riley was supposed to organise this but has gone awol too.

I peer through the crowds, every smiling face and bored-looking employee.

The smell of cheap hotdogs, cotton candy and fries mix into one sickly fragrance, attacking me from all angles.

Just as I shift, now close to a kid crying about his dropped fries as his mom fails to stop his tantrum, my phone buzzes in my hand. It's Kat. Thank God.

Kat: Sorry, still trying to park. Everyone here is insane and parking costs a million dollars.

The hope that had risen in my chest at not being stranded anymore swiftly plummets. The blur of lights and noise are getting to me, a headache forming that I do not want. I should move, maybe head to the carpark and pray I catch Kat. Hopefully I'll be more out of the way.

Just as I take a step forward, I stop, finally recognising one face amongst the crowd. Alex. I blink, just to make sure it's real and I haven't gone insane and materialised him out of my phone.

I didn't know if he was coming.

He looks just as lost as me, but then our eyes meet and he pauses too.

A blank emotion crosses his face, like there's too much to even think about to say out loud.

My head rushes for a completely different reason now.

The kiss, the mistake, him seeing the whole thing.

Embarrassment wipes over me all over again.

"Sorry!" The lady with the toddler yelps, practically barging into me as she rushes past. I'm caught off guard, stumbling a bit as she murmurs at the still crying kid, "Joshua, you cannot get any more fries I've told you already..."

I'm thrown by the moment and when I search for Alex again, he's walking towards me. Wait... he is? I freeze, trying to figure out what the hell to say. Does he want a proper explanation? Should I give one?

He comes to a stop in front of me, the chaotic scene around us numbing into nothing.

"Hi," I say, so quiet it's inaudible over the music nearby.

"Hey," He whispers back.

Time stretches. I don't know what to say, how to say it.

"We need to talk," Alex states after clearing his throat, gesturing that we stand out the way. I nod, following him so we're a little obscured by the back of a trailer, funfair noises more of a muffled echo.

"Listen..." I start, eyes on the ground. My cheeks are hot with embarrassment. "I never wanted you or anyone to see that..."

"Ava..."

"I made a mistake and I don't really know how to deal with the consequences of it..."

"Ava, it's fine."

The firmness of his words make my attention snap up, try and make out the softness in his face. I want to keep rambling but Alex gives a shallow smile, then sighs.

"I need to apologise for ignoring you. I shouldn't have freaked out, it wasn't my business."

Oh?

I shake my head, "You don't need to pretend to be fine with it, I can handle it."

"I'm not pretending," He urges, tone more serious, "Yes, it's crazy and unexpected but you're an adult. I acted like a child when I found out, I don't want you to think I hate you. I don't want you to think I'd tell Riley."

Relief clammers in my chest, a small smile crossing my face. It's nice, too nice, very Alex. I think I needed to hear those words. Part of me knew, that he'd never hurt me like that, but I'd spiralled my impression of him out of control.

"Thank you," I swallow, voice quiet again.

Alex knows...and he doesn't hate me. It's a weird pill to swallow. I still don't think he overreacted, I'd probably malfunction the same way if I walked in on him kissing Riley or something. But I appreciate his gratitude, so much.

"Is it... serious?" He asks after a moment.

I hesitate, realising this is the first time anyone's asked me this, known enough to ask me properly. But I don't want to lie anymore, I want to be with Nolan more than anything. So I nod sheepishly.

"Yeah, it is..." I chew the inside of my cheek, "We're together, I really like him." Love him.

I don't know what I expect from Alex, but it's not another smile, one of those kind ones that try to melt away all my shame. His blue eyes are shiny and forgiving.

"Wow...." He murmurs, shoving his hands in his pockets before glancing back up, "It makes sense. You've been happier, I can see it on your face."

"I have?"

He nods, "I'd figured something was up for a while. I even thought maybe there was something going on between you and Nolan. But that seemed crazy, I didn't think you'd do that."

"I didn't think I would either," I mutter back. It happened so fast, so explosively that my rational thought went out the window before I could comprehend any of it.

"Listen, I know how everyone acts, because I had a crush on you in high school. I don't want you to think me freaking out was about that..."

I had considered it, a tiny bit. But it was like my brain wouldn't let me agree with a narrative I knew deep down was false. Alex isn't that kind of person, he's not vindictive or jealous. I mean, it was high school nonsense that just carried through slightly.

"I'm not stupid, I know that was never going to be anything. I'm happy for you, Ava, seriously. You're one of my closest friends and I don't want to lose that because you chose something that makes you happy. Fuck what other people think."

He gives another comforting nod, reassurance that makes me smile again.

"I'll always be your friend, Alex," I huff with a quiet laugh, "And thank you, for understanding. Nolan does make me happier than anything has for a long time."

He leans in, beckoning me for a hug that I fall into naturally.

It's strong, like we really mean all the words that have tumbled out in vulnerability.

It feels so good to tell the truth, to feel things without worrying how everyone else will perceive them.

When I pull away, there's a more hesitant look, like he's figuring out how to word a question.

"Go on," I nod.

"What?"

"Ask, whatever you want," I roll my eyes playfully, more amused than anything else.

"Just... how did it happen?"

My brain rushes with a blur of all the events that lead me here.

The photos, him taking me home drunk, the day at the hospital.

Then the almost kiss in his apartment, the heat that built and built until it was so prominent it hurt.

New years, the kiss, every burning time pinned under him after that.

"Uhhhh," I place a hand on my forehead, wincing at some of the cringier memories, "It just sort of... did. We just spent a lot of time together and one thing led to another."

Alex nods, processing, but luckily doesn't ask for details.I think explaining all that would count as a humiliation ritual.

"And, Riley? You haven't told her?"

I shake my head, "Not yet."

"Fuck," He mutters, "You think she'd lose her shit?"

"Yeah, probably. She'd disown both of us," I pause, "I do want to tell her, of course I do... but I don't know how. It's too messy."

"Yeah, I get that," Alex breathes.

I've been saying we should tell her for weeks but it still hasn't happened. It's much easier said than done. Every time I consider it the picture of her betrayed, angry face appears in my head, her hating me forever. I can't stomach it, it makes me feel sick.

"Well," Alex hums, trying to lift the mood, "Whenever you do, I have your back. I mean it."

"Thanks," I smile again. Maybe this will help, knowing I have someone in my corner.

"You think Kat's still parking?"

I snort, "Probably. Everyone's gone feral."

"Let's go find her then."

We move out of our little corner and back into the disorder, snaking between queues of people and overfilled trash cans.

Bright lights from rides towering into the air catch in my peripheral vision, making everything fall into an overstimulating haze.

The environment is so familiar, but no less chaotic.

I try to keep my attention on the back of Alex's head, his dark hair that navigates everything better than me.

When we approach the edge of the parking lot we don't see Kat, just a lot of stressed families and cars fighting for spaces like their lives depend on it. Alex scans everything, trying to pick out Kat's familiar car whilst I hover beside him.

"Behind you," A familiar voice quips.

I spin quicker than I should, caught by Nolan's smug grin and lazy eyes. He's staring at me like we didn't see each other earlier, like he wants to snake a string hand around my waist and pull me in. He's staring like he's remembering the way I rode his cock a few hours ago.

I stop the immediate flush from creeping up my cheeks by nudging Alex, forcing him to acknowledge Nolan's presence, "Look who's here."

"Oh," Alex's poker face is terrible, awkwardness, then an attempt at respectability bleeding through, "Hi, Nolan."

Nolan nods, cautious, "Hey."

"We, uh, spoke about... the situation," I gulp, gaze flicking between the two of them. It's not a standoff per se, just an awkward barricade, "He understands, we can trust him."

Alex agrees, "I'm happy for both of you."

"Right," Nolan murmurs, "Thank you, man. Appreciate it."

The stale air doesn't go away but at least they recognise each other. There's a mutual understanding and that's all that's needed. Nolan's arm begins to curl around me in the silence, fingers possessively splaying across the top of my skirt.

"Stop," I hiss, moving so he can't tug me in fully.

He chuckles, like it's nothing, "It's fine, he knows-"

"We're in public," I whisper, trying to read the heat in those memorising eyes, "Kat will be here any second..."

"Okay," He twists to face me, hands settling on either side of my waist, "Then kiss me."

"You're impossible." My voice has little conviction, gaze dropping down to his lips and staying there. How does he always draw me in?

Before I can do something stupid, Alex, who's been pretending to ignore us, calls for Kat who's making her way towards us. It's loud on purpose, a warning. Stop getting so touchy-feely unless we want another person to find out.

"I have never wanted to punch anyone more," Kat growls as she comes to a stop, "You can't hold spaces for your friends, there's a million people here - let me park my damn car."

"Easy, tiger," Alex murmurs, "Do we need to get you something to eat?"

"Please," Kat begs, then narrows her eyes, "Don't call me tiger. It's patronising." Alex just laughs in response, which is bold seeing as Kat looks like she might actually punch someone.

"You know where Riley is?" I ask, glancing at my phone, "She still hasn't texted."

Kat shakes her head, "No. Figured she would already be here with you guys."

"I know," Nolan chimes in. Everyone's attention falls to him.

Despite his height he still manages to fade into the background somehow, but then you notice him and there's no going back.

"I was in a rush to pick up my car earlier and forgot my camera.

I didn't have time to drive all the way home and be back here in time.

.. Riley was passing by and offered to grab it on her way. "

His eyes find mine for a small second when he mentions this rush that was mainly me rushing him. Even after all that he still managed to forget his camera.

"Mystery solved," Kat nods, changing the subject and reaching out for my arm, "Let's get food."

I'm dragged to the back of a nearby queue before I can resist, the other guys trailing behind until we're in a huddle, behind the smell of hotdogs and chattering voices. I have to lean in close so Kat can hear me properly.

"Still no Cole?"

She shakes her head, "Radio silent. I'm worried, actually."

"I tried to see him," Alex perks up, "I went to his place but he wasn't there... or didn't answer."

"Shit," I murmur, wondering how worried we should actually be, "How do we know he's okay?"

"I saw his mom two days ago," Kat explains as we shift further up the line, "He's fine according to her, well, not fine, but alive. I think he's really just avoiding us... it can't be good."

Shutting himself away might be really fucking bad. What if he's drinking himself to death? What if he needs more help than we realised? My brain rushes through all the things he could be drowning in, suddenly feeling guilty for not making any attempts to fix that.

"We should see him," I murmur, "I don't know how... but we should."

"I know," Kat nods, "Intervention part two is coming his way."

After a few minutes the long line shrinks, bringing us up to a bustling counter, multiple workers moving at lightning speed.

Alex and Kat get hotdogs and I agree to split Kat's fries, Nolan stays back, not getting anything.

When I question it he shakes his head and insists he works better on an empty stomach.

I'd forgotten that's the whole reason he's here, work.

We all migrate further into the fair, Kat pointing out every ride she wants to go on when she's finished digesting. Alex makes jokey comments about how long digestion actually takes then bets on whether she'd vomit on a roller coaster she's currently eyeing.

I seem to stick to Nolan's side, our arms brushing now and then.

Every touch is like a feather, but electrifying at the same time.

When he gets a moment to look at me, his eyes shine happier than I've ever seen them.

When he mouths pretty girl I erupt into a smile that is only hidden by everyone else being distracted.

"Riley's here," Kat announces suddenly, turning back to face us, "She's by the ferris wheel."

We make our way over, navigating through crowds a bit easier when I have people to follow. Nolan's hand, dangerously close to slipping into mine, helps too. Amongst the noise and lights our intertwined touch is lost, every fragment of our hidden fire.

"Hey!" Riley waves, peeling the bag slung over her shoulder off. She drags me into a hug as soon as I make it to her, that fruity scent familiar in the best way. "Sorry, traffic was crazy. And my brother sucks."

"Well, thank you," He chimes back, a little sarcastically.

"At least you're both equally forgetful," Kat suggests with a shrug, shoving a fry into her mouth before handing her phone towards Nolan. He looks down at it like she's an alien offering him coke. "You mind taking a photo of us?"

"Uh, yeah, sure," He nods.

My attention switches over to Riley and the way she's pulling Nolan's camera out her bag.

It's weirdly familiar to me now, a sight that rushes back memories that feel so intimate.

By the time I've looked up Nolan is taking a few steps back and Kat and Alex are beckoning us to pose with them.

I lean in, nudging Riley and letting a small smile invade its way onto my face.

It's so nice that I almost forget I don't do this, take photos.

It's like that big scary veil of being perceived has come crashing down, that lens not out to get me anymore.

When it clicks, my heartbeat doesn't stall in my chest, my brain doesn't run a million insecure images past my eyelids. I just...take the photo.

Has Nolan actually fixed me?

"There," He hums after a moment, handing the phone back to Kat who gives him a grateful nod.

It's a sweet moment. I'm surrounded by my friends, the people I really care about.

And Nolan, who keeps looking at me like I'm the only thing his world revolves around.

My heart jumps, threaded with all this love I'd started to lose in my life, security I've never really felt.

There are flaws, misshapen pieces, but Alex was right - I am happy, maybe the happiest I've ever been.

Until it shatters apart.

"Oh my god- what the fuck!" Riley's voice squeals from behind me, the octave so high it pierces my ears.

I spin, so quickly, but the moment still replays in slow motion. Every single mortifying second echoes, plays out like a horror film.

Her face, blank and stricken, like the worst emotion possible has overtaken her.

Her brown eyes bleed hurt, fingers letting go of the camera in her hands.

It hits the ground with force, pieces shattering and splintering off in different directions.

She freezes, blinking as if she's seen a ghost. Time pauses and everything turns inside out.

I know, before processing anything, before putting the pieces together, that she knows.

She's found out about me and her brother.

"My fucking camera!" Nolan shouts, dropping towards it, the broken lens and deformed edges, the cracked screen still bleeding colour.

I can still make out something playing amongst the cracks.

A video.

A video of me and Nolan earlier, on his bed...fucking.

"What the fuck," Riley repeats, eyes wide, gaze still stuck to the hands she dropped the camera from, "I don't... I can't... oh my god..."

I should be saying something but my vision has narrowed, a dizzying feeling sweeping across my head.

I want to throw up. My eyes tear up almost immediately, every part of me stuck in limbo between fight or flight.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. My body starts to pump into overdrive, dry heat prickling at the back of my throat.

When Riley's eyes jump to me I can't meet them. I don't need to in order to feel everything, the hurt, the pain, the disbelief.

"Ava..." She says, voice a splintered accusation.

My mind spins round and round. I can hear everything so far away, clawing at the edges of my consciousness. She knows. She fucking knows.

And she found out by seeing that.

A video I didn't even know was being taken.

"Ava..." She repeats, voice loud enough to crack into my head, then looks down at Nolan, gathering the massacred pieces of his camera, "You... both of you."

"Riley, I'm so sorry," I beg suddenly, finding words, "I didn't mean to..."

"Didn't mean to fuck my brother?" She scathes back, eyes watery.

I can hear Alex and Kat go quiet. Someone sucks in a shocked breath. Time suspends as life muffles in my ears. My heart is beating so hard I feel like I might pass out.

"No, I..."

"Or didn't mean to film you fucking him and record it so I could find out? Huh?"

"I didn't know..." I try to explain, but everything is broken and messy, "We were going to tell you, we wanted to tell you..."

Riley scoffs, face flickering between anger and pain, "Tell me what? Are you fucking together?"

I flick my eyes across to Nolan. He's stood up but muttering curses under his breath. His attention is on his stupid fucking camera. Is he serious?

"Yes.." I breathe, "But it didn't start like that... we didn't mean to..."

"So you just hooked up then, by accident," Riley directs her attention to her brother, "You just accidentallyslept with the one person I told you to stay away from."

He flashes his attention up, eyes seething, "Are you fucking insane? Do you know how much this is going to cost me to replace...do you even understand everything you've ruined?"

"Do you?" She practically yells back, "You... you've ruined everything! Just like you always do. I actually wanted to trust you but you couldn't keep yourself away from interfering in my life!"

"This camera is my life!" He spits back, still attempting to fix what's left in his hands.

Something ugly curls in my stomach. Nolan is being different, colder, not the person who was reaching for my hand twenty minutes ago. The shame flooding my cheeks burns hotter. Isolation hits me hard. I have no one in my corner.

Riley's right.

I betrayed her trust. I lied to her.

"I can't believe I fucking saw that, I need to wash my eyes out with bleach," She utters with disgust, "I can't... I can't believe you..."

"I never meant to hurt you, I promise," I urge, ignoring the tears slipping down my cheeks, "It all happened so quickly-"

"Bullshit," She spits, "A friend doesn't do that. You promised me you wouldn't." Her voice breaks on the last word, lip trembling as she takes a vicious step forwards. "You promised me to my fucking face, Ava."

"Hey," Alex cuts in suddenly, sliding into the space between us. His presence doesn't even register to me as I wrap my arms around myself tighter. "I know this is a lot, but you need to calm down. Give Ava some slack, she didn't mean to-"

"Did you know?" Riley snaps.

"I think you need to-"

"You knew, didn't you?"

Alex's silence is more than enough to make Riley chuckle almost sadistically, the anger going to her head. She shakes her head at him, then jabs a finger at Kat accusingly.

"Did you?"

Her eyes, already wide in shock seem to grow even more, "No, fuck, no, I didn't." She pauses, then speaks again, "But I think Alex is right... you need to calm down-"

Riley laughs again, this one much closer to a sniffle. Her eyes flick between both of us, that exact betrayal I've imagined her staring at us with for weeks. This is what I didn't want, my nightmare, and now it's come to life.

She's going to hate me forever.

I'm going to lose my best friend.

"You're both dead to me ," She spits, blinking at Nolan, "You can go to hell. After all the progress we made, after I trusted it, you ruined it with the one thing I told you not to do."

Her eyes lock on mine again, "And you..."

"Riley..." I attempt.

"Don't. I'm done, I can't even look at you."

I lurch forwards, the earth seemingly spinning with me, but she's storming the opposite direction before I can even try. The tears on my cheeks keep coming, salty as her words slash through me like knives. I fucked up. I ruined everything.

Oh my God, what have I done?

"Shit, shit, shit," Kat swears, turning to Alex, "Should I follow her?"

Alex nods, "Yeah, make sure she's alright. I'll take care of Ava."

Kat nods before sprinting off in the same direction as Riley just did, pushing through the crowds.

I think Alex makes an attempt to speak to me but I don't hear it. My body spins, facing Nolan completely. My voice is so broken it doesn't sound like me.

"Does this mean nothing to you?"

His eyes widen, like he's only just understood the consequences of the last minute.

"I'm serious, Nolan," I utter, "You didn't say anything? Didn't think to back me up?"

"Shit, I'm sorry. I was focused on my camera, I should've-"

It's not good enough. Not now.

"That video..." The screen flashes back in my head, the moment ugly and distorted, "You took that without telling me?"

"Fuck, no," He fumbles, "God, Ava. It was an accident, I didn't know the camera was filming. I would never do that to you."

"It turned on by itself?"

"No, I turned it on but-"

My voice hollows out into a sob, "I can't...I can't be here..."

"Ava," He insists, reaching out to grab me but I step backwards, nearly tripping. Alex catches me gently, watching everything with blazing intensity. "You mean everything to me, you know that. I care about you more than anything."

"How can I believe that after this?" I swallow, hurt and embarrassment consuming me whole, "You didn't even stand up for me... and Riley hates me. I needed you to survive that and you stranded me."

I begin to move and Alex gets the gist, helping me as I go to turn away. Being here is making everything worse. The nausea, the headache, the fire ripping its way through my heart. Everything hurts, everyone hurts.

"Ava, please," His voice cracks, more vulnerable than I've ever heard it.

It stops me in my tracks for a single second. I get another glimpse of him. Messy hair, ruined eyes, gentle cheeks. His throat bobs as he searches me with pure anguish. He looks like he's on the verge of tears. I've never seen him so distraught.

"Please... I love you...I fucking love you."

The words should break me apart.

Instead they fall on me numb.

Hours ago I would've been the most ecstatic person on earth to hear those words.

But right now everything hurts too much to handle that, what it means.

I stare at him a beat longer, those wrecked eyes that have spent so long searching my face, studying every emotion, seem almost broken. My chest is so tight I can barely breathe, my heart is attacking ribcage at a speed that feels impossible.

But then I turn. I leave him there, hanging, holding on to whatever sanity I have left.

The blur of funfair is all around me, then gone, replaced by the faint sounds of cars reversing.

Alex asks me if I'm okay, I think I nod.

I get into the passenger seat of his car, eyes dried out and brain messy.

The funfair, forever stained in my brain, drifts away as lights and noise as he pulls out the lot, the world an uneasy rush.

The roads that I see out the windows are nothing but facades.

My brain is only interested in replaying the worst moments of my life.

Riley dropping the camera, the disgust on her face, everything shattering before I realised it even collapsed.

I lied to her face and now she'll never speak to me again.

By the time Alex pulls up to my driveway I feel like I've exhausted every possible emotion, every negative thought.

"Are you okay?" He asks, quietly, "You need someone to stay with you?"

I turn to face him, his gentle smile, "I'm okay." My voice is croaky, drained.

"You sure?"

I nod, appreciating his offer, "Thank you, for having my back."

"I said I would... Riley was pretty brutal."

I shake my head, "I deserved it."

His eyebrows crease, "Don't say that."

I'm too tired to argue, too tired to think any different to what my brain is telling me. I'm a terrible friend, I'm a liar.

"Thanks again," I mutter, before reaching over and letting myself out the car.

Alex stays there, waiting, until I'm right up on the porch. I can hear the car, the humming of the exhaust. As soon as I slot my key into the hole and begin to swing the door open he finally leaves, satisfied that I've made it home safe.

I pause, sucking in a breath.

It feels nice, for a second, but doesn't help un-complicate things at all.

My head hurts, everything hurts. Mustering up the courage to get inside is harder than I anticipated, my foot finally crossing the threshold when goosebumps run up my arm.

My foot is the one thing that gets inside before I feel the cut of material at my neck, over my nose, my mouth, my ears. Fabric suffocates me at all angles.

A bag over my head.

Everything goes dark.

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