50 | Recovery #2
I watch silently as Cole pulls down the side of his shirt gently, twisting his neck to reveal something to me.
A small scar, tiny and red in a deliberate cross shape.
A mark, from Xavier and Diego. A direct threat on his life.
Cole continues, voice shallow, "They made me keep giving them shit, threatened my parents, threatened all of you guys... I didn't know what to do. I tried to stop drinking but the guilt of doing their dirty work was killing me, it helped numb the pain. I couldn't see you guys,
not when I was fucking betraying you. Then after I spied on Nolan's meeting in that diner... I just, I couldn't deal with it."
His remorse is right there on his face, bleeding like an open wound.
I shouldn't want to forgive him but I can't seem to see him as the perpetrator here too.
It's not an accident that Cole was picked, he was a perfect candidate for that vicious cycle.
Maria, Nolan, Cole... they had weaknesses that Xavier manipulated the shit out of, made them into shells of themselves.
I can tell this was the same, Xavier's calculated effort to destroy someone for his own gain.
"I was going to go to the police beforehand, the day after the funfair but then... you know," His eyebrows scrunch, concern filtering through them as his voice lowers, "I'm so sorry, Ava."
His gaze attaches to me like it's my turn to say something but I'm still tongue-tied. My throat dries up as I study his wavering expression, the pools of his nervous eyes. Before I attempt to speak he rambles more.
"I...I'm also getting counselling for my drinking, maybe rehab if it doesn't get better," It's sincere, "You and Kat were right, I do need help. If I wasn't so irresponsible I wouldn't have gotten involved in this in the first place..."
"It's okay..." I whisper.
His eyes narrow, "What?"
"I said it's okay, Cole," My thoughts bubble to the surface, "I forgive you. I'm just happy that you're safe, that this is over."
He told the police, he's going to help himself in the ways he needs - it was a mistake that snowballed out of control.
I don't want to hold that against him, not when he's so clearly sorry.
Living in the past seems like the worst decision to make at the moment.
Plus, watching the familiar, cheesy smile spread across his cheeks like wildfire makes my heart warm in a way it hasn't in a while.
"You sure?" He checks, still smiling, "You're not just saying that?"
I nod, "I promise. I know what they're like... it's not your fault."
"Thank you," He replies, repeating the words again like he can't believe it, "Thank you."
There's a brighter spark in his eyes now, something close to his usual expression.
It's even similar to the Cole before he was drinking too.
It makes me realise how much I've missed this, my friends, a life where everything doesn't feel so heavy.
The first real smile in days almost reaches my cheeks too - until I remember something.
"I... have a question," I hesitate, wondering how best to word it, "Did you find out anything about Nolan, uh... and his-"
I'm cut off by Cole's wide, curling grin that spills over into a laugh. His hand flies to his mouth as he tries not to chuckle too hard. I narrow my eyes as if to say, what's so funny?
"You mean you and Nolan hooking up, yeah I know," His amusement makes my cheeks flush pink, "I mean I didn't, at first, but after a while it was too obvious not to miss."
I'm not even going to ask when he saw us. I can't handle that embarrassment.
"It's not funny," I murmur when he snorts a laugh again.
He just shrugs, "It kinda is. Nolan? Out of everyone? I'm surprised Riley didn't murder you before you got kidnapped." His eyes falter as soon as the words leave his lips, expression changing. He pauses.
"It's fine," I assure him, "You can joke about it."
His steady grin returns, "Nah, I'm more interested in the Nolan story. How the fuck?"
"It's a long story," I groan, not wanting to recount all the details, even less the sour ones. I have no fucking clue what's going to happen to us. I haven't seen him and we're trapped in this weird limbo. "You don't wanna know."
"I missed the sex tape, you have to give me the details!"
Oh God. I don't want to think about that again. Maybe if I hadn't been kidnapped it would still be the most mortifying moment of my life. It arguably still is.
"You came all the way to my hospital room to ask me about that? Really?"
He winks, stupidly charming, "Admit you missed me."
I roll my eyes gently, smiling into the quiet air.
It's only quiet a fraction longer, the door shooting open and three familiar faces pushing through.
Riley at the front, leading the charge. Then Kat, apprehensive but clearly glad to see me.
Alex is at the back, blinking as he surveys my condition, worry in his eyes.
I almost squeal as Riley barrels herself into me, wrapping her body around me in the tightest hug she can manage without making my concussion any worse.
She smells like cherries, warm and comforting as I melt into her arms.
My brain softens, convinces me for a moment that maybe everything can go back to normal.
"I thought my mom was keeping you out?" I murmur as Riley finally pulls away.
Kat smiles, "Not anymore."
"How are you? Do you feel okay?" Riley asks, staring at me with full force, "Do you need us to get you anything? Water? Food?"
"Slow down," Cole, who's leaning back in his chair to avoid the stampede, murmurs.
"I'm fine," I nod, "Just... happy to see you guys."
"Yeah," Kat breathes, coming up to take Riley's place and offering me a less intense hug, "We're fucking happy to see you too."
I soak in the moment for a second, another streak of sunlight bleeding through the curtains across the room. I can put all the events that lead me here out of my mind for a moment, focus on the now. On my friends.
"I'm glad you're okay," Alex pipes up, giving me a gentle smile from across the room. His blue eyes have that attentive glare they usually do. I appreciate it. "Seriously, Ava, we were worried sick."
I give a solid nod and smile back. It's hard to explain but our quiet understanding carries more weight than if he came over here and hugged me.
It's weird, that everyone's acting so normal. Well, as normal as they can be. Riley had said she'd never wanted to speak to me again, that I betrayed her trust. Our friendship should be over. There should be daggers in her eyes as she speaks to me, instead it's just genuine concern.
Will it wear off the second I recover?
"Riley..." I start, the name having more weight than I intended. She nods almost instantly, prompting my question, "It was you, right? On the phone?"
Her face softens lazily, eyes sharp like she's recounting the past. It's like a fragment of her facade breaks, but she still slips out a small, "Yeah. It was."
She heard it, the admission, the yelling, maybe even me begging Nolan not to shoot. In some twisted turn of fate she was the one who saved me, called the police. Even though a few hours before she was ready to patch me out of her mind forever.
"You should thank Mina, really," She pipes up again, voice quiet, "If she hadn't got to me... I probably wouldn't have answered..."
Mina? She was with Riley? She knew what was happening, where we were... did Nolan tell her our location beforehand? Either way the words sting, reminders that she doesn't trust me. She's here out of necessity, because it's not so easy to stop caring, but our bond is still shattered.
"I'm sorry," I croak out, "For what happened...I didn't..."
She shakes her head firmly but I see that wince, that crack of composure. She's trying to bury her hurt for now, store away the anger I guess until I'm recovered enough to deserve it. We're not okay, as much as we pretend we are. She still hates me for what I did.
"Not now," She refuses, "Don't talk about it."
I don't even try again, clamping my mouth shut. Maybe I want to keep a flimsy bandaid over the problem for as long as possible. Not that that's worked out for me so well in the past.
"I'm doing a vending machine run," Cole announces suddenly, breaking through our cold words, "Anyone want anything?"
Kat nods, "That soda I like, you know the one."
His eyebrows crease immediately, "No I don't."
She sighs, flashing me an irritated look before moving over to join him so they can go together. It's nothing, but I find myself missing it, their stupid mock fighting. It makes me forget I'm in a hospital bed with the weight of everything hanging over me.
It distracts me from Nolan, who's persisting in my head as much as I try to temporarily wipe him out.
I don't know what it's going to be like seeing him again.
I can't tear down each layer of my emotions and figure out what they mean, I can't draw a clear photo of him anymore. The man I'm supposed to love.
But I have to keep reminding myself that it's over, even if it doesn't feel like it.
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