ELEVEN
Rose
I pack my bags in silence, methodically placing my belongings neatly inside. As I slip on my flats, I run my hand across the vibrant bedspread and feel an odd pull toward this place. I’m headed for the familiarity of home, except I already miss it here.
It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. My mind wrestled with itself for hours, and more than anything, I’m just angry .
I let myself get prematurely excited about meeting a man I knew virtually nothing about. I weaved him into something perfect in my mind and let myself start to fall. After only a week.
Stupid. Stupid.
He was perfect, though, and I’m so sure of it I refuse to believe he and Nate are the same person. I can’t imagine Nate has the capacity to feel those deep emotions we talked about late into the night. I can’t imagine hearing those sweet things coming directly from his lips.
When I laid in bed last night, I scrolled through our conversations, trying to put the pieces together. His icon glowed green, indicating he was online too. Probably messaging someone new. Hopefully someone with six cows and an affinity for homesteading.
As I zip up my bags, I almost laugh. I can’t imagine bringing him home to my parents. He’s their building manager. No, scratch that. An employee of their building manager. No worthy last name. No massive inheritance. No status.
They’d laugh at me.
BigSpoon told me he owned a company. He said he had a place on the lake. I hate that he lied to me.
I hate that I care.
And I hate that I’m still turned on thinking about the way his body felt against mine.
With a huff, I push the memory from my mind and leave my room to head down the hall. Nate is already in his coat when he sees me. He stands taller and clears his throat. “Roads are plowed. Got the shovel in the truck. Ready to go?”
Ok, so no pleasantries this morning. Fair enough.
I nod and look around. The boots are gone. Not that I wanted to wear them, but I guess it’s back to flats in the snow today.
Kara comes around the corner and immediately throws her arms around me with the biggest bottom lip. “Oh, Rose…promise you’ll come back to visit soon?”
I smooth her hair and peer down into her blue eyes. They’re just like her father’s. “We’ll see. I have a very busy schedule.”
She steps back and hands me a piece of paper. “Here. I used a purple colored pencil ’cause I know it’s your favorite.”
It’s a drawing of a skyscraper with a swirl of playground equipment on the roof. There’s a slide, a climbing tower, and a tire swing. There are also three people holding hands. She has labeled them. Kara, Dad, and Rose.
I glance up at Nate, who’s studying the drawing too. His eyes briefly meet mine. There’s grief there.
“Thank you, Kara.” I hug her again. “This is really beautiful.”
“You’re welcome.” She frowns.
Nate picks up my bags. “Let’s get going. Kara, stay in the house. Mrs. Nelson is coming over in about five minutes. Only answer the door for her. I’ll be back in less than an hour.”
“Okay,” she replies, slumping down onto the sofa and crossing her arms.
“Bye, Kara,” I say as we leave through the front door.
The path Nate shoveled on the sidewalk yesterday is still clear, and I’m able to make my way to his truck without stepping in the snow. Once we get in and he pulls onto the newly plowed street, the silence turns deafening. He just stares straight ahead, jaw stiff.
I chew on my lip. I have to say something. I can’t let us end like this. So, I take a deep breath and look ahead. “Why did you lie to me?”
A pause. “I didn’t lie to you.”
“Yes, you did.”
“I said I was going to tell you about Kara—”
“No, not that.” I shake my head. “You said you owned a company. You knew I joined the app by accident. You knew what I was looking for. So, you told me that to keep me around.”
He exhales loudly like I’m an extreme annoyance. “I didn’t lie. I do own my company.”
I look at him. “But you work for Joe.”
It’s his turn to shake his head. “No. Joe works for me. It’s my business. Hale Property Management.”
I blink, surprised. “Oh. I had no idea.”
“No. You wouldn’t.”
I furrow my brow. “So, you have a place up at the lake, too?”
“Yep.”
Immediately, I picture Malcolm’s parents’ large estate with the wraparound deck and an elegant, rustic staircase leading down to the water. “What’s it like?”
“It’s a seven-hundred-and-fifty-square-foot cabin,” he says. “I don’t need more. I can’t afford more.” He looks away from me, out his own window. “But Kara loves it.”
I turn my gaze to my lap. “So, you didn’t lie.”
“I didn’t lie to you about anything, Rose,” he says quietly.
I pick at the edge of my skirt, feeling torn.
“Did you lie to me?” he asks.
Out the windshield, I see my half-buried car come into view. “No.”
As he pulls up behind it, he sighs and rests his hands on the steering wheel for a long moment, but he doesn’t look at me. I think he might sit back and tell me more, but he unbuckles his seatbelt. “This’ll take me a while. You can stay here in the truck.”
I start to offer to help, but we both know I’d probably make things worse, and he’s already slammed the door before I can finish. So, I wait patiently and watch him begin to shovel.
While he works, I focus on the beaded bracelet hanging from his rear-view mirror. Kara probably made it. It’s obvious he absolutely adores her. I loved watching them together this weekend, and maybe that was the glimpse I needed in order to realize this man is the same one I’ve been talking with online. Is there really someone sweet living behind that grumpy exterior? Would he show me that too? Would he even want to? When he was BigSpoon, he made me feel like I could tell him anything. And when I did, he said all the right things. They seemed true. And apparently, they were.
A part of me wonders what would happen if I gave us a chance.
My mom would try to talk me out of it. That’s what would happen. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she knows how miserable I would be if I tried to live in his world.
And if I go for it, my relationship with her would struggle even more. I might even lose my chance at AWP.
Could I risk that?
I’m not sure. This is all too much, too fast.
It takes twenty minutes for Nate to clear the snow around my car, but when he’s finished, he takes off his gloves and grabs my bags from the back.
I open my door and gingerly step out to cross over to my car. He’s not only cleared the snow around it but he’s also scraped the windshield and windows for me. It’s a chore I haven’t asked of him. But he did it anyway.
Would grumpy Nate do that?
Maybe.
Would BigSpoon?
Definitely.
I open the door, but I don’t get in yet. He stores my bags in my trunk and then comes to stand a few paces away.
“You should be good to go,” he says simply, shoving his hands into his pockets.
I press my lips together and look up into his blue eyes. They’re so clear they reflect the bright white around us. Bits of snow cling to his short beard and his cheeks show just a touch of pink from the cold.
Internally, I groan. He no longer resembles my annoying ceiling repairman. Why do I want to reach up and brush the snow from his beard just to see how soft it is?
I clasp my hands together so I don’t, and then I take a deep breath. “I hate this.”
“What?” he asks, holding my gaze so intently I have to look away.
My eyes travel down to his scarf and linger there. It’s the green one he gave me to wear yesterday. Less than twenty-four hours ago, it was wrapped around my own neck. Why does that fact feel so intimate?
He speaks again. “You mean you don’t want to go back to your luxury apartment in the sky?” There’s a hint of a smirk in his voice. “You might miss the chickens and the cheap beer?”
“No,” I reply. Because those are not the things I’ll miss.
“What, then?” Irritation seeps into his tone.
“I hate that I am the way I am.” I exhale. “And I hate that it matters.”
There’s a pause before he responds. “We’re all raised a certain way. That’s just how it is.”
I know he’s right, but that’s not the truth I want to be reminded of right now. I lift my eyes to his lips. “Yeah, but for just a moment this weekend, I forgot all that.”
Nate doesn’t say anything.
“And for a moment, it felt right.” I close my eyes at the admission.
The chilly wind whips around us; the only sound in our silence. I immediately regret my honesty, because I know he wants nothing to do with me. I’m definitely not what he needs in his life, but I’ve said what I needed to say. It’s over now. I can’t take it back.
I begin to turn toward my door, eyes still closed, accepting the defeat: this was never meant to be. But Nate catches my hand before I can turn fully, and my eyes fly open to find his just as he slides his hands up to my face. His gaze darts across mine, but only for a second before he crashes his lips into mine. They’re hot and desperate in a way that completely catches me off guard and I almost lose my balance, but he loops his arm around my waist and anchors my body to his as he presses me against the side of my car.
He’s not asking permission. He’s kissing me like it’s a necessity. Like he has no other option. And almost immediately, I’m kissing him back too. My hand slides up to his jaw and against his beard, and yes, it’s just as soft as it looks.
He’s holding me like a vice, and he steps even closer still until I swear I can feel his heart beating against my own. And again, it feels…right. Somehow, through my shock and surprise, I’m able to understand that I’m not just kissing Nate. I’m kissing the man who I’ve been more honest with than anyone else. The faceless man who’s quickly taken up residence in my heart in just the last few days. And he’s sucking my bottom lip in between his and he tastes like cinnamon, and my head is spinning.
God, I’ve never been kissed like this before. He moves his hand to my neck and holds me to him. It’s forceful, and purposeful, and it’s a brave move for a first kiss on his part, but he’s lucky because I love it. I never want him to let me go.
Yet, after a moment, he does. He slides his hand from my neck and pulls away slowly. When he opens his eyes, they stare into mine, fiery and decided as he retreats.
“Can I see you again?” he asks, just as out of breath as I am.
I lick my lips and lift my hand to my heart like it might stop beating. I open my mouth, but no words come out. I’m having trouble forming coherent thoughts.
“Please,” he gulps, watching me with mild desperation.
“I…” I begin, but I don’t know how to continue. I tuck a strand of misplaced hair behind my ear and look away from his pleading eyes. “I’m not sure. I have to think about it.”
“Ok,” he replies in a quick breath. There’s no disappointment there. I haven’t turned him down, yet.
“I, uh, I should go.” I turn to my door.
“Ok,” he says again.
Awkwardly, I slide into my seat and look up at him. His hand is on my door. He’s not holding it open, but he doesn’t want to say goodbye, I can tell.
“I’ll think about it,” I repeat, and then I pull my door closed and try to remember how to start the engine.
***
An hour later, I arrive home still unable to comprehend what just happened. When I walk in, Daisy greets me with a stroll around my legs. I check her bowl to find she hasn’t finished the last meal Junie gave her. She usually clears it in minutes.
“Missed me, huh?” I pick her up, grab a bottle of water from the fridge, and sink down onto the sofa. She purrs in my lap while I stroke her ears.
“What should I do, Daisy?” I grab the remote for my electric fireplace and turn it on. Fake blue flames fill the frame, but it’s all wrong. They don’t even crackle.
I’ve never cared before, but I do now. I care so much that I turn it off.
I wonder what Nate’s doing. Kara’s probably collecting eggs from the chickens and they’re about to make omelets together. I usually get a manicure on Sunday mornings. Sometimes I shop online or catch up on whatever TV show I’m binging. But today I wish I were pulling eggs from under pecking hens and frying them up in an outdated kitchen.
With a sigh, I slump down further on the sofa and throw my elbow over my eyes. Daisy jumps off and meows her annoyance before heading to her bowl.
“I don’t know what to do…” I groan into the silence. Why did he have to kiss me? If he didn’t kiss me, maybe I could have moved on. I could have forgotten how sweet he was and the way he smirked when he teased me. I could have forgotten that grumpy facade he put on. I could have forgotten those blue eyes.
But no, he had to push me against my car and devour me. He had to make me feel like the only girl in his world. And that’s who I want to be to somebody. The only girl.
Somehow, even though Nate lost his wife—who was probably the love of his life—he still treated me more like the sole person in his universe in that single moment than Malcolm did during our entire relationship.
And because of that, I’m doomed.
I’m doomed because none of this will work.
I’m doomed because I have to tell him no.
The future my parents have planned for me—the one I’ve planned for myself too—will crumble if I end up with Nate. I’ve had my eyes set on my goals for so long. I can’t throw them all away because of one simple kiss.
The best kiss I’ve ever had.
I sit forward and turn my bottle of water in my hands. Am I out of my mind? I pull out my phone to text Junie. I need a reality check. She’ll tell me if I’m crazy.
And twenty minutes later, she comes through the door.
“Alright, spill it. What happened?” She hands me an iced mocha latte and then stares at me with her hands on her hips.
I take a sip and set it aside. “Remember I told you about the guy I met on the app?”
She sits down in the armchair across from me. “The spoon guy?”
I nod and take a breath. “It’s Nate.”
She blinks and jerks her head back and forth. “I’m sorry, what? The repairman you just spent the weekend with?”
I bring my hand to my forehead and sit forward. “Yeah… We had no idea.”
“Wait, I’m not following.” She furrows her brow.
“It’s him,” I repeat. “Nate is the guy on the app. I’ve been talking to him this whole time.”
“No!” She gasps. “I thought you said he was all sappy and introspective? Nate’s not like that at all.”
“I know .” I reach for my drink. Caffeine is gonna have to get me through this. “But it’s him. And now I don’t know what to do.” That’s a lie. I know what I have to do, but I’m trying to gauge her reaction.
Junie still looks confused. “Well, for starters, he’s blue collar and your parents would flip.”
I fall back into the sofa and sigh. “He owns his company though, it turns out.”
“He owns the building management company?”
I nod.
“Well ok, but we thought you were talking to someone with two homes and at least a master’s degree. Nate’s hot, and yeah, I’ve been making jokes about it, but you know your mom wants you to marry money, and—” She pauses, eyeing me closely. “I thought you wanted that too?”
“I do ,” I groan. “But…” I shake my head. “I don’t know anymore...”
She half-laughs. “Well, I mean, I’m all for you expanding your horizons and rebelling against your parents… Maybe you should go for it”
“Junie…” I groan again. “This is so…ugh, this is bad.”
Junie watches me for a moment with studying eyes. “What happened this weekend?”
I take a deep breath, transporting myself back. “It was so peaceful out there in the country. Nothing was extravagant. We didn’t even have internet. But we spent time together. Nate and his daughter and me. We went to a blizzard party at the local grill. We drank cheap beer. We played pool. We made s’mores.” I lift my hand to my cheek and sigh. “I forgot about everything else. I didn’t even think about work. I can’t remember the last time I went a day without thinking about work.”
She’s raising a brow. “He kissed you, didn’t he?”
My eyes go wide. “What? How did you know?”
She shakes her head and chuckles. “It’s written all over your face.” She takes a sip of her own drink and crosses her legs. “Well, I think you’ve probably made up your mind then. It must have been a good kiss?”
With a sigh, I clasp my hands together and give her a pleading look. “No one has ever kissed me like that before.”
She smiles. “Well, then…”
“He asked to see me again.” I sit back. “But I’m going to tell him no.”
Junie just stares at me.
Apparently, I am crazy.
“I’m done casual dating.” I shake my head. “So, there’s no point in seeing him. His idea of a future is so far off my map… You know I’ll never live outside the city. I need to be close to the company…in this world. His world is farmland and wide-open spaces. He wouldn’t be caught dead in a tower apartment.”
“So…it would be pointless?” she asks quietly.
“It would be pointless,” I echo.
“What about his daughter?” Junie asks. “Where’s her mom?”
I frown. “She died, remember? Two years ago.”
“Oh, wow, that’s right.” Her face falls. “Is he…ready to move on?”
I shrug. “He says so. He hasn’t dated until he just joined the app.”
“Well, that explains why the kiss was so good. Dude’s been celibate for two years. He unleashed it on you.”
I look down at my hands. I hadn’t given it much thought, but she’s probably right. If he’s bottled it up for so long, did it really matter to him that it was me? Would he have kissed anyone with that kind of passion?
I glance up at Junie. It’s painfully clear to me, and I’ve made my decision. “I can’t do it.”