Chapter 39 Darby
DARBY
“At least you knew.” That old familiar shame begins to spread through me. The anger. At myself. “At least you acted before you wasted thirteen years trying to save what was already dead.”
Leland turns his hand over so he can thread his fingers through mine.
“That tells me a lot about your character. It’s not a strike against you, Darby.
You’ve got a heart of gold. Trying to keep a promise isn’t something to be ashamed of.
That was his failing, not yours. Can I ask you questions too? ”
“Sure. Turnabout is fair play.”
“Do you want children?”
“I’ve never really thought about it, to be honest. Well, that’s not entirely true, I guess.
Michael and I married young, right out of high school.
My parents tried to talk me out of it because they wanted me to go to college.
They said I’d end up pregnant and never get a degree.
I’d end up dependent on him without anything of my own but kids to take care of. ”
I let out a long sigh. “They knew even then that he wasn’t someone I could depend on.
If I’d gotten pregnant, he would’ve only left sooner than he did, and I would’ve been stuck raising our kids as a single parent.
I wouldn’t have been able to support him for so long. Not with a child at home to raise.”
“That was then,” Leland said softly. “What about now?”
I think about it, really think about it. Sitting with the idea.
I never expected to find a man like Henrik who was such a… caretaker. A provider. Act before I could even ask. Take care of what needs to be done without nagging. A man like him would make it easier to raise kids, for sure. But…
I try to see myself holding an infant, rocking a baby to sleep, getting up at all hours of the night to feed and care for a child.
The stress of illnesses and injuries. The pressure to be understanding and caring—but not be a helicopter parent.
Establish solid boundaries and limits yet still encourage freedom and independence.
Talk about pressure. “I’m sure there are joys to being a mother that compensate for the sacrifices, but right now, I’m going to say no.
I love Skadi like a child, and taking care of her through her puppy months was the max of what I feel like I’d ever want to do.
I don’t think I’m built for more than that, but I guess I could change my mind in the future. I…”
My words trail off, my mind spinning with thoughts and realizations.
This is my new start. A chance at a new life. A life that I actually want. Not something I’m forced to endure or settle for. A dream life.
No, I never dreamed this big.
I hadn’t dared.
I can have it all. Right here.
As much as it hurt to lose the bakery, I don’t have ties holding me back now. I can do anything. Live anywhere. Travel the world. Or settle right here in Mooseville.
Unless Henrik’s very good at hiding some deep, horrible facet of his personality I haven’t seen yet, he’s everything I could ever want and more. Ren too. Funny, talented, gorgeous. Both of them. Willing to do whatever it takes for me to stay.
Why would I want to immediately tie myself down for eighteen plus years with a kid?
“It’s time for me to be a little selfish,” I finally say. “I finally get to live for me for a change.”
“I’m glad.” Leland lifts my hand up to his mouth and presses a gentle kiss to my knuckles. “You deserve it. You deserve to be happy.”
I turn a little more toward him so I can see his face and watch the way he reacts. “You do too.”
“Oh, I am, for the most part. I get to make up shit for fun, fly my friends wherever they care to go, play in a band, and sometimes find people who don’t want to be found.
Bring them to justice or at least hold them accountable.
Henrik feeds me. Ren challenges me to new heights every time he comes up with some new idea, like the band, and of course it’s always like skating on pure crystal ice.
He’s too damned brilliant for his own good.
I don’t think he’s ever failed at anything he set his mind to. ”
Leland doesn’t say the words, but I hear them. “Unlike me.”
Unlike me too. “I guess I still carry the weight of divorce like a scarlet letter painted on my chest. Beware. I failed at love once already. Now I’m jaded and my eyes are wide open and suspicious.
When Ren came to my window and offered to help me, I almost told him to buzz off.
I would’ve rather slept in the SUV and hoped for the best than take a risk and trust a man again. ”
Leland laughs. “I’d love to have seen the look on his face. Most women are falling at his feet instead of shutting the door in his face.”
“He smiled too much,” I say primly. “And he called me sugar.”
“Kiss of death for sure. Though I don’t see you shutting the door in Henrik’s face when he calls you babe.”
“That’s different. I don’t know why but it is.”
“It’s different because Henrik never called a woman babe in his entire life until he met you, while Ren throws sugar out everywhere he goes.”
And now why Ren calls me by my full name. Like an oath he intends to keep. “Why does Henrik call you Lee and not your full name? Do you have a preference?”
“I don’t know, really. I assume it’s because Ren hates his full name, and Lee’s short and sweet too.”
I hear the door shutting behind us—but I didn’t hear it open. Then Henrik’s big palms come down, one on my shoulder and one on Leland’s.
“What was your favorite movie when we were kids?”
Leland throws his head back and laughs. “I get it now.”
“What?” I look up at Henrik, checking to be sure he’s not mad. Because I’m still holding Leland’s hand.
“The Dirty Dozen, starring Lee Marvins,” Leland replies.
Henrik leans down and kisses my head. “I had to make sure you were really okay. I’ll go grab your stuff out of Big Bertha so Ren can put her away.”
His eyes burn with slumberous heat despite his narrowed eyes and stern mouth. The grim giant is trying really hard not to smile and say, “I told you so.”
HENRIK
When I return with one large suitcase, an equally hefty bag of dog food, and a smaller backpack, I can’t resist hauling Darby up into my arms for a hug and kiss.
Most of the new gear is still at my house—because she is coming back—but I made sure to put the other pretty sweater Lee got her in the suitcase.
Fortunately for him, he’s still sitting beside her and is gifted a view of her legs in my shirt. Then more, I realize, because my palm slides up the back of her leg all the way to bare buttock.
“Aw, babe,” I groan, squeezing her ass cheek. “You’ve been running around bare all day and didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t want to put dirty panties back on. Gross.”
“My shirt’s dirty too.”
She tips her nose over to the side, burying down into the open collar a bit. “Yeah, I know. It smells like you. That’s why I like it.”
Lee’s staring up under the shirt like Skadi watched me clean the rabbit. Hoping I might just accidentally let her have some scraps.
But my friend deserves more than scraps. Especially if we’re going to make this work.
“I was going to let you go change but now I think I want you to keep wearing my shirt and nothing else. While you sit beside us. Torturing us. It’ll be fun to see how little work we get done.”
“How is it torture?” Then she turns her head enough to catch Lee’s avid gaze and turns beet red. “Oh.”
I set her down on her feet. “Up to you, babe. I want you to be comfortable above all. But I sure like the thought of your bare pussy sitting on my shirt. I may never wash it again.”
As I set her back down beside him, Lee gives her a wry grin. “Let me know if you need another shirt, Darby. I volunteer as tribute.”
I lightly slap him on the back. “Now that’s an idea. Your shirt’d be way shorter on her than my oversized flannel.”
“You’re a giant redwood tree. I’m more of a sugar maple. Though my hair has red foliage all year around, not just in the fall.”
I throw my head back with laughter. “The very first night she told me she wanted to climb me like a tree.”
Ren comes in and starts throwing off layers. “What’d I miss?”
“We’re describing ourselves with trees. I’m a redwood, Lee’s a sugar maple. What are you?”
“Lee’s the sweetest to tap, and you’re definitely the giant. What trees love snow the most? Blue spruce? Aspen?”
Lee laughs. “You did look awful pretty with the gold medal around your neck.”
“Aspen it is.” Ren claps his hands together and looks around the room. “Who’s hungry?”
Skadi yips, of course, but Darby groans. “I’m still full from breakfast.”
“I ate before I came over,” Lee says. “I didn’t think we were eating until six.”
Ren kind of wilts, like he’s really disappointed not to start making dinner. Even though I have no idea what he’s going to fix for everyone.
“We were going to work a few hours,” I remind him. “While Darby torments us.”
He perks. “What kind of torment?”
I laugh. “Go grab your songwriting stuff and take a seat. You’ll figure it out soon enough.”