Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
~AUGUST~
Hendrix has drifted off to sleep in my arms. But I can’t sleep. I feel like the biggest asshole in the world.
She almost…
I can’t say the words. I can’t finish the sentence. It causes my heart to clench.
“Oh, Hendrix, baby, I’m so sorry,” I say to her sleeping form. I repeat the words over and over again in my head, not wanting to wake her.
Hendrix lay curled against me, her head tucked beneath my chin, her breath warm through the thin cotton of my shirt.
She had gone quiet a while ago— not asleep, not fully awake, just resting, like her confession has taken all of her energy.
I hold her carefully, one arm around her shoulders, the other bracing along her back, as if I think I can hold her together.
The room lighting is dim, lit only by the faint glow of the streetlights coming in from outside. Shadows stretch across the walls, long and unmoving.
My mind, however, refuses to be still.
Her confession replays in the silence, each word hitting me with a pain that I can’t bear. She had spoken quietly, almost apologetically, as if the truth were something she owed me rather than something that had nearly destroyed her to share.
I tighten my hold on her, just slightly, being careful not to wake her. The thought of her suffering like that—alone, hurting, believing she had no one—cut through me with a sharpness I haven’t felt in years.
I left her.
I walked away.
I convinced myself she would be okay. But she was far from it.
But sitting here now, with her body warm against my own, I can see the truth of what I had done. She believed me when I said I loved her, and then my father told me to leave her. So, I did. That was the brutal truth.
I look up at the ceiling, the darkness above me.
I spent years trying to avoid sitting here in the stillness, filling my life with noise, work, obligations—anything to keep from thinking too hard about her.
But tonight, the past refused to stay buried.
I remember the girl that she used to be.
The way she had laughed with her whole body.
The way she would playfully nudge me with her shoulder when I got too serious.
The way she’d look at me like I was someone worth choosing.
I took that girl and broke her.
Not intentionally. Not maliciously. But the result was the same.
My father’s words echoed faintly in my memory—warnings, expectations, demands. I listened to them all. I had obeyed him. I abandoned the one person who had ever made me feel like I wasn’t just a Cromwell but a man with heart of my own.
I look down at Hendrix, her face relaxed now, her lashes resting softly against her cheeks. She looks peaceful in a way that makes my chest ache. She has survived something I didn’t even know she was fighting.
I brush my thumb lightly along her arm, grounding myself, reminding myself that she is here. Alive. Breathing. Safe with me. The guilt settles deeper, a slow suffocating pressure beneath my ribs.
I wonder how close she had come.
I wonder what might have happened if Ash hadn’t walked in.
I wonder how I would have lived with myself if she had slipped away without me knowing the truth.
I know the answer—I wouldn’t have. Not really. Not in any way that mattered.
I swallow hard, letting the remorse sit heavy in my chest, a weight that I will carry long after tonight.
She shifts slightly, her fingers brushing against my side before settling again. Even in her sleep, she is still reaching for me. Hendrix even trusted me enough to fall asleep in my arms. It’s something that I’m sure I don’t deserve.
I lower my head, letting my cheek rest gently against her hair. I breathe in her shampoo and a light flowery perfume. The perfume smell is familiar, reminding me of memories I’ve tried so hard to forget.
I almost lost her.
I had almost never held her like this again.
I had almost lived the rest of my life without knowing how close she came to disappearing.
The thoughts are like a gut punch.
I tighten my arms around her, not possessive, not desperate, just steady like I’m trying to anchor her to me.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring.
I don’t even know if she’ll want to talk about things more.
Or if unburdening herself to me has changed anything.
But I know this, I won’t run from the truth anymore.
I will not hide behind excuses or obligations.
I will not pretend that leaving her had been anything but the worst mistake of my life.
But for right now, I’ll hold her and face the truth of what I had done to her. It all made a bit more sense now, while she was so angry with me. Or why she cut me down the way she did, and I had deserved every damn dig she threw at me.
Sleep found me at some point last night.
I wake up with a crick in my neck and no Hendrix lying in my arms. I yawn and stretch.
The last time I remember looking at the clock, it was after three, so she must have snuck out sometime after that.
I pick my phone up from the armrest of the couch and see that I have a message.
Hendrix: Glad you’re okay. Still might want to ice one more time. Please let’s not talk about last night again. Thanks for being so sweet about it, though. I appreciate it.
I read and reread the text. It makes it sound like the woman came over and borrowed a cup of sugar so that she could finish baking a cake. Not like she had admitted the horrible truth that I had almost lost her. I shake my head and type back a response.
August: Yes, doctor, I will do that. I do think that we should talk about it a bit more, though. I never really got to say much. There’s more I want to say. I thought about it all night long.
I glance at my phone, and her message was sent a little over an hour ago.
It’s eight now, so she did stay for the whole night.
That part makes me smile. I’m glad I got to hold her for so long.
And, more importantly, that she stayed. Between that and the fact that she came over here to check on me, I tell myself it means something.
I don’t have long to ponder it since the elevator dings, and the doors slowly begin to open.
Stupidly, I think it’s Hendrix coming back.
It’s not.
Dex walks into the living room holding two cups of coffee. “Good morning. Did you sleep on your couch?” He’s studying me carefully, like he’s taking an inventory of what I’m wearing to see if it is in fact the same outfit.
I reach to take the coffee he’s holding out to me. “Yeah, I did. Hendrix came to see me to make sure that I was okay.”
“Are you sure she came to see you to make sure you were okay and not to make sure you weren’t going to fire her?” he teases as he takes a sip of coffee.
I shake my head. “Nope, she came over here to check on me. Like I would ever fire her,” I say, sipping my coffee. “Thank you for this, by the way.”
“You’re welcome, man.” He sits in the corner of couch and appraises me. “So, she came here to check on you. You just woke up on this couch wearing the same clothes that you were in last night.”
“Yes,” I confirm. “No, I didn’t fuck her.”
He nods. “Good. I’m proud of you, man. If you didn’t fuck her, as you say, what did the two of you do? Did she just hold the ice pack to your jaw there and play nurse?”
Dex gets up, standing in front of me, and kneels down to check on my jaw. “It doesn’t look too bad. I can see some swelling and bruising, but other than that, how does it feel?”
I shrug. “Just sore.”
He sits back down and stares at me. “What happened here last night, August? Clearly something did because you slept on the couch. If she had left you would have gone to your bedroom.”
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I know I was punched in the jaw but damn, if I don’t have a fucking headache. His questions are not helping, but I’m going to tell him because I need someone to help me process it.
“August, dude, what the fuck?”
“It was less about me and more about her. I found out why her brother hates me so much. What he meant by what he said just before he punched me.” My voice trails off.
I appreciate it’s Dex who is here with me right now.
He knows I’ll get around to it. “He has a good reason for being so angry at me. I almost took his baby sister from him. I was that asshole that almost cost him one of the most important people in his life.”
I shake my head, putting the coffee down on the table.
I stand up to begin to pace. “Dex, I don’t know if I can say it out loud.
I’ve thought about it all fucking night and not having her here in front of me makes it harder.
Because at least when she was here, I could be sure that she was okay.
That nothing bad was happening to her. But right now, she’s gone and I have no idea,” I say with a shrug. “I have no fucking idea.”
Dex leans back into the couch, arms splaying over the back of it.
“You’ll tell me when you’re ready to tell me.
But whatever it is, I think she’s fine now.
I think that just because you can’t watch her every second of her life doesn’t make her at risk.
It makes her strong and she’s built up walls that are protecting her.
Sure, there are always moments when she questions it, but you don’t need to watch her constantly.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from getting to know Hendrix Monroe, it’s that she’s strong. I know she is and so do you.”
I nod. “You’re fucking right. I know that. I just can’t. This new information has me reeling.”
“If you wanna tell me, I’m here. If not, that’s fine, but I can’t help you if I don’t know what you are struggling to process,” he reminds me.
I sit back down where I did last night when she came to see me. I can still see her there, sitting on her knees, watching me, checking on me and eventually unburdening her soul to me. I glance back at Dex where he sits all relaxed and patient.
“Winter break after I left her, Ash found her holding a gun in her hand. She almost…” I can’t finish the words. Instead, I say, “Because of me she decided that her life wasn’t worth living. I was almost the reason that she couldn’t go on.”
Dex pinches the bridge of his nose, and I can tell by the way he begins to chew on his lip that he’s processing.
Finally, he says, “I know what you are thinking right now—that you aren’t over her.
Over someone like you who isn’t worth anyone getting that upset over.
Well, clearly she did. And it just goes to show you two things.
” He holds up two fingers, letting the first one fall as he speaks.
“One, that she is an immensely strong woman. Who else would be able to survive loving you, you leaving her and feeling so low that she decided that life wasn’t worth living, all to come here and play soccer for you?
And two, you meant so much more to her than you realize.
Maybe it’s time you pretend like she means something to you instead of deflecting and acting like an ass sometimes.
Just let the rest of our friends see that you aren’t always an asshole.
That you deserved her love once and that you finally realize that you could deserve her love again.
Maybe then Ash won’t punch you in the jaw again.
Maybe he would start to soften just a bit to see what she sees. ”
I watch him for a moment. “You’re right.
I know you’re right. I just don’t know how to go forward with her from here.
How do I go from taking her home from the bar, hate-fucking her in the locker room, to finding out that she almost hurt herself because of me.
How do I treat her after this? I can’t act like I’ve been. There’s no way…” My voice trails off.
“What did we talk about the other night? Didn’t I tell you to play the long game and stop looking for a cheap fuck?
Let her see that the man she loved at one point is still in there.
Do that. And as for the rest of it, Hendrix isn’t made of glass.
She isn’t going to let you treat her like she is.
It’ll piss her off even more. You need to deal with this information and find a way to move past it.
Dredging it up and acting like it defines her or the two of you isn’t what she wants. You and I both know that.”
I look over at him and smile. “Thank you for coming to Tampa.”
He shakes his head and laughs. “Okay.” His eyes narrow in on me in disbelief.
“I needed you. I needed this. This clarity that only you have been able to provide me. It’s good to have you here.”
“I’m here for whatever you need, brother.” He looks at his watch and chuckles. “But right now you are paying me, so I should get my ass to the field so that I can be there in case one of them needs me during practice.”
I nod. “I should head in too.”
“It’s Saturday,” he reminds me.
“Always something to be done,” I counter.
“Well, shower first,” he says, getting up.
“Will do, brother,” I say, draining the rest of my now-lukewarm coffee. “Thanks again.”
“Anytime, you know I have your back.” Dex turns and leaves.
I make my way back toward the shower. I desperately need one.
I also need to clear my head, so I make a mental note to grab some workout clothes so that I can use the facilities at the Blaze.
It’ll help me work through some of this, something I need to do before I see her again so that I don’t piss her off.
It’s the last thing I want to do. The goal from here on out is forward, I tell myself as I step under the spray.