17. Lycan #3
My chest tightened, and I rubbed a hand over my sternum to soothe the ache.
I hadn’t set any exclusivity clause with Ava, mostly because I didn’t want to hold her back.
I’d never considered how emotionally involved I’d become with her.
I’d never thought she and Poe would develop such affection for each other.
And yet…the thought of them together burned and seethed and oddly made my cock half hard.
Just as I was about to put my phone back in my pocket, it lit up with my sister’s name.
Ren.
“Fuck.” I gulped the last of my beer and stood to walk outside, where it was quieter, before answering and bringing it to my ear. “What’s up?”
“Hey to you, too,” she said. “How’s it going?”
“Alright,” I said. “How’s it back home?”
“Oh, you know. Another day on the homestead. Vampire threats. Zion bullshit. The usual.”
“Everything okay?” She sounded like a cowboy trying not to scare a wild horse, which had never been our dynamic.
“Yeah. I mean, aside from bloodsuckers chasing us down and Ava being a primary target. We’re thinking about cutting the trip short, but we really need to get this last deal done.
” I went over the events from the previous few days, how Evelyn had shown up at the royal reception and the constant sensation of being watched.
“Look, you know I’m not one to pry, but people are talking. They say you got married to Ava,” she said.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s nothing.”
“Nothing?” She blew out a disbelieving breath. “How’s your new bride feel about being nothing?”
“No, I mean…” I didn’t know what I meant.
“Are you doing okay with Poe there?”
“It’s…complicated,” I said, glancing at the ground. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I can tell something’s shifted in you. I can sense it,” she said. “You should talk to someone, if not me.”
“It’s just…” I cleared my throat and tried to force the words over my tongue.
Maybe it was the three beers, or maybe it was because it was her, but when I spoke, I bled all over the phone.
“I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I had my life figured out. Now I don’t know, Ren. I think I fucked up.”
She laughed. “You want both of them, don’t you?”
“I can’t have them,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut as tears threatened to spill over.
Fucking suck it up, Mitchell.
I didn’t want it to be true, but fuck, I swore to myself I’d never get mated. I wouldn’t do that. “I can’t give them what they want.”
“Well, you married Ava, so you’re halfway there,” she said.
“It isn’t real.” Even if it felt very real.
Even if I’d started calling her my wife, slept next to her, and taken care of her the way my father had always taken care of my mother.
I’d gotten shit-faced and sworn some fake vows in a fake ceremony, and the next morning, it felt more real than anything ever had before.
I’d been fucked up about it since. I couldn’t tell Ren that, though.
“We’ll probably get it annulled when we get home. ”
“Probably.” She snorted. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
“What the fuck do you want, Ren?” As much as I wanted to growl at her, my voice came out soft and miserable.
“You think Mom and Dad suffered the loss of each other before they died. You look back at them, and you only remember the worst parts, but you’ve forgotten the good.”
I winced and rubbed my temples, focusing on the steady rhythm in my chest.
“They had twenty-five good years together as mates. They loved each other with every ounce of their being. Look at Orion and Sol. Look at Crater and Justina. Hell, look at any of the other mated couples in the pack. It isn’t about how it ends, Ly.
You of all people know that life is worth living, and being mated is one of the best parts. ”
“This coming from the female who refuses to date,” I said.
“Hey,” she snapped, and if we were in person, she would have punched my arm as hard as she could. “I date. I just don’t like anyone.”
I scoffed. Typical Ren with her excuses.
“I’m just saying,” she continued, ignoring my protest. “For someone who sits fourth in the pack, who’s faced vampires and witches and all kinds of shit, you’re really scared of something that could be the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Rude,” I teased, even as her words seemed to make sense. “Ren, what if I can’t choose between them? Mates only work in pairs. I’ve never heard of a triad bond, have you?”
She sighed, and I imagined her shaking her head. “You’ll figure it out. You always do.”
“Any updates from Mill or Chan?” I asked, desperate to change the subject.
“No, unfortunately. Kodiak’s got the whole pack digging. We’ll find something.”
We talked for a few more minutes before we hung up, but I didn’t go back inside. I stood out there and breathed in the night air, staring at the sky and marveling that the moon looked the same no matter which side of the Earth I was on.
What if I could have both of them? What if I could give them what they wanted? What would I do then?
I closed my eyes and shook my head.
No.
That was just childish fantasies and hopeless romantic bullshit. Eventually, I’d have to choose, and since I couldn’t, I wouldn’t choose either of them. I’d let them have each other and suffer alone.