Fully Awake
I opened my eyes and sat up—the whole thing happened in an instant.
“Hey, you’re awake.” Sean was smiling at me from one side while Dennis was a little way off messing with a tree.
“Yeah.” I made a face, then tested my voice again. “Yeah. Ew.” I touched my throat, which had never been so sore but soothed at the same time. “Why do I sound like a toad? This is disgusting.”
“You don’t sound like a toad.” Dennis chuckled as he walked over. “You’re hoarse. You were screaming bloody murder for almost an hour.”
“Really?” I licked my lips, not at all surprised when they tasted like blood. Everything was so clear. I looked at my wrists and grimaced. “What’s all this on me?” I pulled the beaded bracelets off.
“It didn’t work. You have no faith at all.” Dennis watched as I removed a rosary from around my neck.
“I told you guys I’m an atheist. Do you want these?” I held out the mini collection.
“No.”
I laughed at Dennis’ quick response and tossed them aside.
I felt the side of my neck, which had no trace of bite marks.
My fingers ran across a chain and I realized it was another necklace.
I took it off and tossed it aside with everything else, then froze when I saw what it landed on.
“What is that…?” I stood and took a couple of steps to peer at the crumpled thing.
“A body,” Dennis said. “That’s the first guy you killed. He was a murderer, so it’s okay.”
“And I drugged them like you asked,” Sean said. “All three were unconscious.”
“Wait, I did that?” I stopped a few feet away but that didn’t keep me from seeing it. The man—the corpse—was mangled. His clothes were torn. Flesh was ripped. Drops of blood stained his shirt, but none was on his skin. “I did that?” I repeated, turning to them in shock.
“Yeah. And that.” Dennis pointed in another direction. “And that one.” He pointed to a third body, which was missing its throat entirely.
My stomach dropped with a wave of repulsion. I brought a shaking hand to my mouth. This isn’t what I wanted.
“You were a beast,” Sean’s voice was proud. “You almost attacked us, too. You broke the chains and scratched the living shit out of Dennis.”
“Look at this.” Dennis raised his shirt, showing off something I couldn’t process.
I sniffed the air as it blew a stench of blood.
“I can smell it,” my voice wavered as the first tear fell.
I looked at my clothes, which were wet with blood.
“Why did I do this?” I ran a hand through my hair and caught a fistful.
I winced at the sharp pain and let it drop—I was too strong now to even do my nervous habit.
I spotted another body—its entire throat was missing—and broke down crying.
“Vixen, what’s wrong? You knew this was gonna happen.” Dennis was suddenly at my side.
“I’m so sorry.” My voice was choked as I walked to the woman and kneeled beside her. “What did she do?”
“Lots of robberies and violent assaults,” Sean said. “She deserved it, like you requested.”
“No one deserves this. I could’ve at least left her throat in. What’s the family gonna think when they find her like this?” I looked up through blurry eyes. “They might not even be able to identify her because she’s so fucked up. She looks like a bear ate her!”
“A bear?” Dennis laughed as Sean shot him a warning look.
I ran a hand along the girl’s collar bone, where the very last trail of blood had seeped out. Self-loathing hit at the realization it smelled good. There was a quiet laugh, and I looked up to see Dennis barely holding back a smile.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to taste it. I’m sure you don’t remember, but you tore into her like she was your precious bag of Halloween candy.”
“It’s not funny!” My voice gave out as I stood and picked up the body to throw at him.
He moved so quickly it didn’t touch him; it rolled through the grass and I suddenly felt sick. I sank to the ground, berating myself while tears flowed. Why did I do this? How could I do this? What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Sorry. I’ll stop.” Dennis kneeled beside me as I doubled over, my body wracking with sobs. “Are you okay?” He placed a hand on my shoulder but I flinched away.
I didn’t deserve to be comforted by him. I reached for a fistful of hair but he caught my hand, then grabbed the other when it tried to do the same.
“We should take her home,” Sean said. “I can come back for the bodies later. Do you think she’ll be okay around Ari?”
I let out a mortified wail. Breathing got harder with each passing thought: I might actually hurt her, I couldn’t live with myself, I couldn’t do it, I should just die, I should finish what my parents started, no one would ever want me, nobody ever did, I should kill myself and get it over with—
“Okay, we’re taking you home,” Dennis said, pulling me up. “You’re not killing yourself, you’re not gonna kill Ari. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Is that what she’s thinking?”
He nodded before wrapping an arm around my waist and steering me toward the trees. I closed my eyes while we walked, trying desperately to stop crying. I took in strained, shaky breaths. Forced my thoughts to our surroundings. The crunching twigs beneath our feet. The crisp morning air.
“Are you feeling any better?” Dennis asked.
I opened my eyes to see we’d passed the lake and were nearing the car. I nodded, trying my best to fight away a fresh wave of tears, but the second I blinked two more rolled down. I heard someone screaming and whirled around.
“Do you hear that?” I asked. It was getting worse.
“No,” Sean said. It stopped.
“Oh.” I stared at the lake, wondering if it had come from beneath the water.
“C’mon.” Dennis took my hand and I stumbled along.
My vision was blurry, but I could still make out the looks he and Sean were exchanging, along with someone sitting in the car’s backseat.
“Who is that?” I asked.
“Who’s who?” Dennis dropped my hand and went to the driver’s side.
“Never mind,” I muttered. Maybe it was a shadow. I opened the back door and let out a terrified shriek.
“What?” Dennis appeared behind me while I tried to back away.
“I—I saw myself,” I stammered, “I was there. I was smiling and sitting in the car, and I was there…” I pointed a shaking finger at the empty backseat, where I’d somehow just been. “Can I walk back?” I pleaded, trying to pry myself from his arms.
“No.” He held on and motioned for Sean to come get the keys.
“It’s okay, Emy. It’s always hard at first. You’ll be fine.” Sean pulled me into a hug and I couldn’t hold it any longer—I fell into painful, suffocating sobs.
“I’ll take her,” Dennis’ voice came. I was gently shifted into his arms. “Can you give us a minute?” He moved me into the car, then sat beside me and shut the door.
“I’m such a waste of your time,” I barely managed between sobs, “I don’t know why—” I was almost choking, “why you even—” I could hardly talk, “and haven’t left yet—” I broke off as my breathing constricted.
Became impossible. My chest heaved as panic set in.
It was smothering me, pressing closer with each passing second.
“It’s okay,” Dennis draped my legs across his lap, “you’re okay. Take deep breaths. Don’t think. Just breathe.” He pulled me closer, resting my chest against his.
I squeezed my eyes and took his hand. Trying to calm down.
Trying not to think about the people I’d killed.
I flinched when something touched me but realized it was only Dennis stroking my hair.
It was soothing. Eventually, my breathing evened out and the sobbing slowed to steady tears.
Dennis kept stroking while I took deep, shuddering breaths.
“Is she okay?” Sean was back.
“Okay enough,” Dennis said, still running his fingers through my hair. “We should go back now.”
Sean got in and started the car, and I snuggled into Dennis as we left the lot. I listened to his heartbeat, which was the same as mine now. It was slower than I was used to but faster than I’d expected for a vampire. I focused on the steady rhythm, letting it lull me into an exhausted sleep.
* * *
My senses all returned at once. I swiftly opened my eyes.
I could feel the change of energy as they one by one noticed I was awake.
I knew Mateo and Dennis were in the kitchen by the distinct sounds of their footsteps against the tile.
Sean’s shirt rustled as he shifted somewhere to the side. Ari’s unique heartbeat was beside his.
I sat up and examined the room to see if my new senses were correct. They were.
“How’re you feeling?” Ari asked. And then I remembered everything that had happened. My eyes brimmed with tears as a familiar tightness filled my throat. “It’s okay!” She jumped up and rushed to my side. “You wanna go to bed?”
I nodded. She pulled me up, then grabbed our small bag of bathroom supplies. I was painfully aware of everyone watching us leave the room. She dropped the bag once we entered the bathroom and turned to me.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” She closed the door. I shook my head. “I figured.” She unzipped the bag and handed off my toothbrush, then got her own. I kept my eyes on the sink while we brushed. “Do you wanna shower to get all the… uh,” she stopped, but I knew she was gonna say blood.
I could practically feel her relief when I simply nodded. I discarded my ruined shirt right as a knock sounded at the door.
“It’s me. Mateo.”
Ari glanced at me before cracking the door, careful to shield the gap while I undressed. “What’s up?”
“I thought you guys might want these.” He held both our pajamas through the small opening.
“Thanks. I totally forgot to grab those.”
“No worries. You guys can sleep in my room if you want. I washed the sheets and got it ready for you. Dennis would probably offer, but he has a coffin.”
“He has a coffin?”
Mateo laughed. “Yeah, he does. I’m sleeping in Sean’s room so you can have my bed. I’m not sure if it’s the best idea for you to sleep in the same room as Emy, though—”
“We’ll be fine,” she interrupted. “If anything happens, it’ll probably be her shoving me off the bed in her sleep.”
“Okay,” his tone was hesitant, “but if anything else happens, let us know.”
I drowned their conversation out with shower water. I could’ve easily heard the rest, but I’d heard enough. He left after a couple of minutes. Ari’s clothes rustled while she moved around the bathroom. She anxiously looked up when I slid the door open and grabbed a towel.
“We’re sleeping in Mateo’s room.”
“I know,” I croaked. My voice was even worse than before.
“Oh, yeah. I forgot you have super hearing now.” She finished removing makeup while I dried off. We changed into pajamas, then grabbed the bathroom bag and headed down the hall. “I’m gonna get water.” She paused in the doorway of Mateo’s room. “I’ll bring you some, too.”
I dropped the bag and went straight to his bed, climbing in to hide beneath the covers. It was nighttime—I’d apparently been sleeping for hours—but sleep was still all I wanted. I stared at the ceiling, trying to silence the swirling thoughts in my head.
They kept going back to the people I’d killed.
Their families would never see them again.
What if one was married or had kids? Or was newly reformed?
And all the things they’d wanted to do, everything they’d worked for or accomplished in their lives, were now gone.
All of it. All thanks to my stupid plan of becoming a vampire to protect myself and Ari.
It was so stupid, and even more so, it was selfish. I was selfish, and now it was too late.
I heard Ari’s footsteps approaching and turned away, trying to hide the warm tears sliding down my cheeks. She closed the door and set both glasses of water on the night stand.
“Why are you crying again?” Her voice was soft as she sat beside me.
“I feel so bad,” I whispered.
“Please don’t. I talked to Sean. He said the girl with a record of violent assaults and robbery has done it to tons of people.
The first guy committed murder but got off, and the last one was a repeat sex offender who was released on a technicality.
All three had recent offenses. They checked everything so you wouldn’t have to feel like this. ”
I stared at the ceiling as another tear rolled down, leaving a trail of warmth against my cold skin.
“Emery, hun, it’s not your fault.” Ari pulled my hair away as I continued to snivel.
“You’re a good person. You did everything right to not take innocent lives.
No one’s blaming you.” She lay beside me, rubbing a hand along my arm.
The same way she used to when we were little.
There was a quiet knock at the door and she slowly sat up. “Yeah?”
“Can I come in?”
She glanced at me. I barely nodded. “Yeah.”
Dennis’ chains were louder than usual as he walked in. He came around the bed and I turned to look at him, then almost smiled when I saw who he’d brought.
“I thought you might want him.” He set Frankie on the covers beside me. “Call me if you need anything.” He directed it toward both of us.
I could tell he didn’t mean it the same way Mateo had, as if I were going to kill Ari in a fit of bloodlust. He actually trusted me around her.
“Thank you,” I said, holding Frankie close.
“That’s what binds are for.” A boyish grin crossed his face, and then he was gone, quietly closing the door behind him.
“That was really sweet,” Ari murmured, staring after him.
Sean’s footsteps met Dennis’ halfway down the hall. I hugged Frankie as their voices carried.
“How is she?” Sean asked.
“She smiled a little,” Dennis said.
“I know we haven’t known them long, but I’ve never seen her this upset.” Mateo was further down the hall. “Have you?”
“No.” Dennis took a couple of steps before coming to an abrupt halt. “I hate leaving her like this.”
“It’s probably better,” Mateo said. “I’m sure she’d rather be with Ari.”
It sounded like Dennis ran a hand through his hair before saying, “You’re right.” He continued down the hall, then paused briefly before entering his room.
“I hope she’s okay in the morning.” Sean was the last to walk away.
Their hushed tones were enough to keep Ari from hearing, but I could hear every word. Another tear escaped as I reached over to hold her hand.
“Please don’t be mad at me.” I finally looked at her. Her face held so much pity, it almost made things worse.
“I’m not.” She rubbed my hand and lay back down. “I promise I’m not. You know that.” She frowned as two more tears slid down. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” I closed my eyes as distant voices in my head started up. Hopefully, if I slept long enough they would go away.