Terror
Light flooded in as my eyes shot open. I jerked up, barely able to breathe through the panic.
My chest was restricting, tears streaming.
I clutched my sides and rocked, trying to focus on one thing.
One thing to ease my mind, to distract from the overwhelming thoughts, to get rid of the nightmare that kept replaying in my head.
My ears were ringing. Heart pounding. Stomach churning.
I forced my meds down my tight throat, then tossed the blankets back and rushed to the bathroom.
It felt like I’d be sick, but I somehow kept it down.
Instead I stripped and got into a scalding shower.
I lost it and slid down the shower wall, gripping my knees while I quietly sobbed.
I was so tired of being weak like this. Tired of crying.
Tired of panic attacks. Of nightmares. So tired of everything.
I was never talking about that night again. Never. My dad had done enough damage. I was finished dreaming about it.
“Good morning,” Ari said as she walked in. She turned on the sink and started brushing her teeth.
I sniffled a few times and stood, pushing my hair back.
I had to compose myself now that she was in here.
Luckily, this was one of the few times I could.
“Morning,” I said, faking cheerfulness. I shut off the water and wrapped in a towel, giving her a forced smile as I got out.
I brushed my teeth while she took in my swollen eyes.
“Were you crying?”
“Just a little. I’ll be in my room.” I left and shut myself in my room, then pulled on a loose pair of pajama pants and baggy t-shirt. I tied my hair in a messy updo and stared at the vanity mirror. No reflection. As always.
“Vixen?”
I whirled to see Dennis on the bed, playing with his new lighter. “You scared me.”
“What’s wrong?” He let the fire die and set it aside. “I felt you crying.”
“I had a nightmare about my dad.” My eyes were stinging but I was determined not to cry. Of course, two tears fell. Followed by two more. Dennis patted the bed and I gladly went to him. “I hate having a mental illness so much. I’m tired of it. I just wanna be normal.”
“Normal is overrated. You should know that. You’re weird as fuck.”
“Rude.” I halfheartedly hit his arm, but it did make me feel better. “Thank you.”
“Can I do anything to help?”
I shook my head. “I just need to block it out. That night. I shouldn’t have talked about it.” I played with his fingers for a couple of minutes, feeling slightly better from sitting with him but not having enough energy to interact.
“Hi Dennis. I thought I heard you.” Ari came to sit at the foot of my bed. “Feeling any better?”
“Yeah. I just wish these nightmares would stop.”
“I know what might help,” she started. “There’s this thing called therapy—”
“Nope.”
“You need to work through your PTSD, Emy. All your psychiatrists have told you this.”
“Not my new one,” I said.
“Because you just met. I’m sure she’ll bring it up soon. You can’t keep burying this.”
“Watch me. I’ve been practicing for years.” I grinned, then sighed when they both looked at me with the same level of disapproval. “What do you want from me?”
“Therapy. I literally just said it. I made you an appointment for this Friday at noon. Dennis is taking you in case you try to run away again. This is officially an intervention.”
“Oh my god,” I groaned. “Why are we doing this?”
“Because you need it,” Dennis said.
“That part. And don’t be mad at Dennis for this. He just agreed to take you. This is my doing. Blame me if you wanna be mad about it.”
“I’ll be mad at both of you, thank you very much. But not today. I’m tired.”
“Good, ‘cause it wouldn’t make any difference. The appointment is made and Dennis is kidnapping you. I’m gonna go make breakfast. I take it you guys don’t want anything?” She waited for us to both say no before heading downstairs.
I leaned against the headboard and turned to Dennis. “You know, I thought you were mad at me yesterday until you came to say hi.”
“Why would I be mad at you?”
“I thought I did something wrong and you didn’t like me anymore,” I said. It sounded so dumb out loud. His eyes drifted while he toyed with his lip ring. “What’re you thinking about?”
“Your disorder. Ari said you get paranoid about relationships when you’re sad or anything happens—”
“She told you that?” I interrupted. “When did you guys talk about this?”
“When you were sleeping the day after you killed that girl. Don’t worry, I was nice the whole time.” He smiled at the look I gave him. I had a hard time believing he would be nice to her for an entire conversation.
“What else did you talk about?”
“What to expect when you’re depressed or manic, how often it happens, signs to watch for, what your triggers are, and how long it usually lasts. And what I can do to keep you safe until you’re back to normal.”
I groaned and dragged a pillow across my face. “I hate this so much. It’s like I’m a specimen you guys have to study. Or a baby you have to take care of, or some type of animal you have to be all careful around lest it snap and attack you.” I moved the pillow to glare when he started laughing.
“Are you done?”
“Yeah. I ran out of comparisons.”
“Yeah, I can tell,” he teased. “You’re not any of the above, if it makes you feel better.”
“I just hate it so much. I wish you didn’t have to deal with any of this.” I frowned as he started playing with my hair.
“It really doesn’t bother me.”
I closed my eyes, trying to work up the courage to ask what I really wanted to know. Several seconds passed before I opened them to see him watching me. “Do you ever regret choosing me as your bind?”
“No.”
I waited for him to add a caveat, but none came.
I waited about a minute before sitting up.
A lightheadedness hit, followed by an intense craving.
So intense it was almost painful. I took a shaky breath and closed my eyes.
The voices weren’t real. Dr. Kelsey—probably Dr. Tsai, too—would say to ignore them.
“Are you okay?” Dennis touched my arm and I jumped.
“I’m fine.” I faked a smile and tried to act normal. And then a tear fell. And another. I bit my lip and looked away. “I’m okay. I’m just hearing things and now I’m craving something and it feels like I’m gonna die.”
“It’s blood. You didn’t drink yesterday.”
“I don’t wanna go outside.” I said, twirling a lock of hair. “I don’t wanna be around people.”
“Do you want some of mine?”
“You’d let me?” I was surprised he’d be willing to let me drink from him again. But he held out a wrist and prompted until I carefully bit in. I kept drinking until he touched my shoulder. I took that as a cue and let up. “Thanks, Dennis. I really appreciate it. I think I wanna go to sleep now.”
“No problem.” He stood. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” I smiled as he left. It was a real one this time.
* * *
I woke with a start and shot up.
“Another nightmare?” Ari asked. She was already in the room.
I nodded and held Drakie close. “What time is it?”
“Four in the afternoon.”
“That’s it? I feel like I’ve been sleeping longer than that.” I tapped my phone to read the time, but something else caught my eye. “It’s Sunday?” My eyes widened at the date. “How long have I been asleep?”
“This time about an hour.” She glanced out the window, where the sun was shining brightly. A book was in her hands and she was on my window seat. “You’ve been sleeping off and on since yesterday. Sean said you don’t work ‘til Tuesday, so I decided not to bug you.”
“…I don’t remember.” I thought back, but nothing came up. I was disoriented and shadows were starting to reappear. My eyes stung; I could tell they were swollen from crying in my sleep. I ruffled my hair and lay back down.
“You should probably eat something. Or drink, I mean. Do you wanna get up now?”
“I wanna keep sleeping.”
“Okay, hun. Let me know if you change your mind and wanna do something.”
“Thank you,” I murmured, sniffling as I realized she was the only one who cared.
“Dennis was here earlier.”
“What?” I rolled over to look at her.
“He wanted to see if you’re okay, but I told him you’ve been sleeping all day.
He brought this for when you wake up.” She reached down and picked up a large bottle of red liquid.
“Two days’ worth in case you don’t feel like going out tomorrow, either.
He said to tell you it’s freshly squeezed,” she nearly gagged at the words, “and to keep it room temperature so the flavor stays.” I blinked as my eyes flooded with tears.
“What’s wrong now?” She put the blood down and came to my side.
“Why does he care about me?” I sniveled as she frowned. “I don’t understand why he cares. I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any of you guys.”
“Don’t say that. We have a million reasons to care about you.
You forget sometimes, but you’re pretty great.
” She placed Frankie in my arm beside Drakie.
I squeezed both tight. “I have exciting news that might make you feel better.” She waited for me to ask what.
I didn’t. “Aunt Helen is coming for Thanksgiving! She’ll be here on Wednesday.
” Normally I would’ve been ecstatic, but I only stared. “You’re not excited?”
“I am.” My voice wavered, giving the lie away. I wasn’t excited about anything. “I’m going back to sleep.” I turned away and let my eyes fall shut. Two warm tears slid down as I willed myself to sleep.