Chapter 16 Candi
“Where the hell have you been?!” My father's booming voice echoes from the living room. “Do you have any idea what time it is?!” Damn. I thought he and Mom would be asleep by now.
“I'm sorry,” I say with my head down, trying to distract myself with the few scuffs on the dark chestnut hardwood floor in the entryway. “I was with a friend and lost track of time.” His stern expression from behind the brown leather couch gives me chills. “Where's mom?” She’s usually my safety in these situations. Someone to try to calm him down after he’s had a few drinks.
I try not to panic when I don’t see her sitting in the matching overstuffed chair next to the arm of the couch.
“Your mother is upstairs. She went to bed hours ago. She was falling asleep in her chair, waiting for you to come home.” He takes a long swig from the long-neck bottle, swallowing whatever Sam Adams has to offer this season.
He's been drinking, but not enough that his words are slurring.
It'll be okay, Candi. He won't hurt you tonight…God, please still be a little bit sober. I’m trying to take a few deep breaths to ease my agitation, but each exhale is followed by another alcohol induced question.
“Is that who dropped you off?” His look shoots daggers in my direction as I hang up my maroon puffer coat on the built-in coat rack.
I do my best to balance my hood on the wooden hooks, but the fur around the edge keeps sliding off the blanched paint.
Please just stay so I can go up to my room.
“Yes.” If I give him short answers, maybe this interrogation will end early.
“Well, who was it? I know it wasn't Brittany. Her parents just bought her a new Dodge Charger. Which one of your friends drives an old Honda?”
“Umm… you don't know him.” Maybe that wasn’t the right response, and on my way over here, I should have come up with a plan or some kind of lie to keep his intoxicated gears from turning.
“Him?” His eyebrows raise at the question. Nice, Candi. You just earned more questions. Which means, less of a chance to make your way up to your room without the chance of getting verbally crushed.
“Yes, Dad… him.”
“What's his name? Why don't I know him, if you're staying out in his car until eleven o'clock at night?!” The volume of his voice begins to rise, and if I wasn’t shuddering outside in the cold, I am now from the tone of his words.
“It's Andy, and he's never been over…” As far as you know.
“Well… are you going to tell me about him?” Dear God, please no.
“Th-there’s not too much to tell.” Nothing I would admit to you, anyway.
“Humor me.” He stands almost toe to toe with me in the doorway, blocking my path to the mahogany staircase. I can smell the booze wafting off his breath and see what’s left of an indent of a ring from the nozzle on his upper lip. I just want this to be over with.
“Andy is… well, he's…in a band.” Shit. Why is that what I led with?
“He's in the band? That's a far step from that idiot Zane. At least this guy might have some sense.”
“No, Dad. Not the high school band, he's in a… punk band.”
“A punk band? You mean… like The Dead Kennedys? The Sex Pistols? The Misfits?”
“Who?”
“Are you serious, Candi? No… ab-absolutely not.” He stops his current thought, shaking his head in disbelief. “Does this Andy play in any gigs?” He says his name as if I made him up.
“Gigs, Dad?”
“Concerts… You know, shows at sketchy bars…”
“Uh…Yeah. His band has a show next Saturday. He asked me to go…”
“Let me guess, you think you’re going?” I don’t say anything.
Only peer up at him as I slip off my shoes before placing them under my jacket.
“Candi, do you know what goes on at those kinds of shows?” He doesn’t give me any time to answer, just shoves his hands into the side pockets of his tan slacks.
“There’s drinking, smoking, drugs, and don’t even get me started on the sex that happens in the disgusting bathrooms.” How the hell would he know what happens?
More redness adds to his cheeks as he adds one more sinful act to his list. I wonder what he would do if he knew Andy and I just did it in his car.
“How are you going to be with a guy who plays punk music when you don't know punk bands!? Wh-what does he play?” He stumbles over his words when he gets angrier. I know he wants to know who his sweet angel of a daughter has been with, but I doubt he'd want to hear the truth.
“He plays the bass.” He rolls his eyes at the heavy sigh I let out when I throw my bag over my shoulder. “Can I please go to bed now?”
“Fine. Don't stay up too late… a-and I want to meet this Andy before you do anything else together.”
“We have history together tomorrow. First period. Would you like to meet him before I go to school?” I call out from the top of the stairs.
“Good night, Candi!” He must not have thought my joke was funny.
“Night, Dad.”
Your Andy:
Hey… Everything okay? I didn’t get you home too late, did I?
I read over his message and try to put the right words together. How do I say, “No, everything is okay. My dad wasn’t drunk enough to be angry and throw his glass at me this time.” Better stay sweet and simple.
Me:
Yeah. Everything is fine. :) Thank you for the night out. I really needed it.
It isn’t a lie. Not all of it…
Your Andy:
You don’t have to thank me, Candi. Everything I do is to make you smile.
Me:
I’m smiling now. How do you do that, even when you’re not here with me?
Your Andy:
What can I say? It’s a talent…
Me:
Haha, shut up.
Your Andy:
Damn. I make her laugh, and she tells me to shut up. You’re giving me mixed signals here… jk… Now, I know you’re going to bed soon...
Shit, it’s almost midnight. We both have to get up for school in six hours.
Your Andy:
I just wanted to bring up what I said earlier.
I thought if I ignored it, it would all go away and we’d never have to talk about it again. I’m not ready to say the “L” word. It’s too soon since Zane, and he only said when he knew he messed up. I don’t want to rush things with Andy. Everything is going too fast.
Your Andy:
I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have said anything.
I think I was just feeling in the moment, you know.
Tonight… it was just so fucking amazing.
You’re amazing. Being with you, at the reservoir…
it all just hit me at once. Can we just forget I said anything?
Damn, I hope I didn’t fuck up. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.
I don’t want to forget what he said. Just because I’m not ready to tell him, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way.
I want to tell him, but I don’t want to get my heart broken all over again.
Andy is right, everything about tonight was amazing.
Why does all of this have to be so difficult?
That’s just it, Candi. It doesn’t. Just tell him how you feel.
Fuck all of the bullshit rules. He’s not like Zane.
He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, I’m sure of it!
Me:
Listen, Andy… about what you said was… soon… but, you’re right. Tonight was amazing. As much as I try to hide how I feel about you, I fall harder. You treat me like no one ever has. What I’m trying to say is I think I’m falling in love with you, too. <3
There, I said it. I just told Andrew Miller that I think I’m falling in love with him.
Why do I feel like my face is on fire and I’m going to throw up?
I thought this would be easier than last time.
My heart feels like it’s being pulled apart and sewn back together all at once.
Should I have done that? Oh, God… maybe I shouldn’t have told him.
Wait… What if he didn’t really mean it, and I just told him my true feelings?
Would he do that? Oh, God. Is it hot in here?
Beads of sweat begin to trail down from my neck to my collarbone.
Did I just make my life more complicated?
I think I’m having a panic attack. Breathe, Candi.
If he didn’t mean it, he wouldn't have said it… right?
My anxiety is in full force, and I pace around my room until my phone vibrates on my desk.
“This is it, Candi.” I breathe out, fixating on the mauve cover.
“Just read his message. It’s not like it’s going to bite.
Just… maybe damage and traumatize me beyond repair, and I never tell anyone else my true feelings again.
” Why am I acting like this? I told Zane I loved him millions of times, but those times seemed forced.
Something I was supposed to do. With Andy, everything just… fits. “Okay, here we go…”
Your Andy:
Do you really mean that? You’re falling in love with me? I wouldn’t want you to say it if you don’t mean it.
Me:
I really mean it. I love you, Andy.
Your Andy:
Damn. You have no idea how happy you make me. I love you too, Candi. So fucking much it hurts.