Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Beck
Ash and I arrived in Vegas three days ago. Usually, we get here a few days early so I can try to adjust to the time difference. No one wants to get in the ring, lacking sleep from jet lag.
There’s a knock on my hotel door. I open it, expecting to see Ash, but it’s Sutton.
I’m taken aback at the sight of her. She told me she was staying back to work when I stopped by to see her before I left.
I notice that Sut’s arms are wrapped around herself like she’s barely holding herself together.
“Sut, baby, what happened?” I ask, going to pull her into a hug.
Except she backs away, shaking her head.
“Can I come in?” she barely croaks out.
“Yeah, of course.” I open the door wider for her to walk through.
She starts pacing my room, chewing on her fingernails. When she realizes what she’s doing, she stuffs her hands in the pocket of her sweatshirt.
“Sut. Talk to me.” I step in front of her, gripping her chin, halting her movements.
“Beck, I love you,” she starts to say, tears running down her face.
“I love you too, baby.” I smile at her, going to pull her into my arms.
She shakes out of my hold. “Wait, Beck, let me finish, please.”
“I love you, and I appreciate everything you’ve done for me since I lost my grandmother, but I’m not in love with you,” Sutton’s voice cracks.
“I’m so sorry, Beck. I never meant for this to happen.
For years, there was this thing between us that I always wished was more, waiting for something that never was.
My heart belonged to you. My rock. My safe harbor.
My protector. My shield. You brought so much light into my life when I was drowning in my own darkness.
You were always my one constant, your friendship unwavering.
Loving you felt safe.” She quickly pauses.
“Now, I’ve realized that’s not the kind of love we need.
We’ve been depending on each other for so long we couldn’t see beyond that.
I need someone who sees me, someone whose demons play well with mine—ours aren’t the same.
It would be so easy to allow myself to fall, and let you take care of me, but I don’t need a protector.
I learned I can protect myself. I need to face my demons, not hide from them.
“I will always love you, but as a friend. I hope one day you can forgive me. You deserve someone who is going to love you so fully. Someone who needs your strength and stability, and that warm, kind heart. It’s just not me,” Sutton says, voice breaking as tears stream down her face.
I watch her face contort into agony, knowing this must be killing her because the thought of hurting anyone always guts her.
“I love you too, Sutton. I’ve done a lot of thinking these past few months.
And I’ve come to the same realization. You have been such a presence in my life for years.
I think I clung to you, for your light, like you clung to me for safety and security.
But we aren’t meant for each other in that way. You deserve to be so happy.
“I see the way August looks at you and I understand now how he complements you. You’re the sun and he’s your moon.
The moon loves the sun enough to let them shine so brightly.
You should never be hidden in the shadows.
I hope that we can still be friends. Obviously, that will look different moving forward, but I’m willing to try, because I do love you,” I say as warmly as I can.
Sutton swallows hard. Holding my eyes for a beat, making sure I’m being honest with her, as her tears keep coming.
“You mean it?” Sutton barely asks above a whisper, chewing on her bottom lip.
“I mean it,” I say, pulling her into a hug.
“I’m so sorry I’m doing this before your fight. I just… I wanted to make sure we knew where we stood with one another before I go talk to August,” Sutton apologizes.
“I understand, Sut.”
Nodding, she wraps her arms around my waist. And I rest my head on top of hers, just breathing her in. Not quite ready to fully let her go. Sinking into her warmth for just a minute longer since I may never get to hold Sutton like this again.
After a few minutes I break the silence, whispering in her hair, “I have to leave and get ready for my match. Go to August’s show. I’m sure he misses you.”
Sutton untangles her arms from my waist and takes a piece of my heart with her.
Opening the hotel door for Sutton, she goes to step out and offers, “Good luck tonight, Beck.”
“Thanks, Sut. Same to you.” I smile softly at her and gently close the door.
The second the door is closed, I slide to the floor and bury my head in my hands.
My heart annihilated.
I just let it break.
Crying for the first time since my dad walked out on my mom and me all those years ago.
What feels like an eternity, but is only an hour later, I get back up and head out the door for my match against Kenzo King.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening,” I barely hear the announcer say over the roaring of the crowd. The room sounds muffled, almost like I’m under water. I haven’t been in the right headspace since Sutton walked out of my hotel room.
My chest shouldn’t ache like this. I know that we aren’t meant for each other.
I’ve known for a few months but I just couldn’t let go of the hope that August wasn’t going to be it for her and she’d come back to me.
We may have been what we needed for each other at one time, but we aren’t those same people anymore.
Sutton deserves the absolute best, and if that’s August I need to accept that.
It’s going to take me some time to truly process losing the chance of a future with her as my girl. But I’ll do it for her to at least keep her in my life––whatever way that looks like now.
The referee comes to the center and explains the rules. He confirms that we understand. I think I nod. Then I walk back to my respective corner.
This is one of the biggest fights of my life and I’ve been preparing for this all year. But I don’t even want to be here.
Numb. That’s all I feel.
Not excited. Not exhilarated. Not ready to fuck his face up; which is something I’ve dreamed of doing.
I. Feel. Nothing.
I make my way back to the center of the ring barely noticing Kenzo King snarling at me. We touch gloves.
“Let’s go!” the referee yells.
I start to bounce on my feet and before you know it, stars explode behind my eyes and the arena goes dark.