Chapter 4
Mary
I watch him crumble under the weight of a truth that isn't real. His eyes turn hollow the moment I nod. It was as if I reached into his chest and ripped out something sacred. I want to take it back and shout that it's all a lie, that I would never dare hurt him.
But I didn't. I couldn't.
Because the truth is worse.
The truth will ruin everything.
Ruin him.
I do the only thing I can. I have to make him hate me. If he hates me, then he won't lose everything he's worked so hard for.
I let him walk away.
I don’t explain.
I don’t beg.
I let him believe I'm the villain. There is no other way around it.
I pick my pace up, racing down the long hallway and bursting through the doors. My shoulder knocks into a few students who are outside, but I don’t stop until the girls' bathroom comes into view.
Slamming the stall door open and rushing inside, I drop to my knees.
Everything comes up, not easing up until I’m a heaving mess on the floor.
My eyes are closed as I lean my head back against the stall door.
Silent, inaudible tears stream down my face, my hands covering my mouth to hold in any noise that might escape.
This can’t be happening.
I’m being fucking blackmailed by the Dean when I didn’t do anything wrong.
If I tell Seb, I’ll not only ruin my chances of a future but his. And his is way more important than mine.
I hear the door of the bathroom open and close. No voices follow, so I assume whoever was in here has left. I close my eyes and take a deep breath before getting to my feet. I’m not sure how I’ll get through the rest of the day.
***
It's been three days since I last saw him. I know it would be stupid to show up at his dorm like he did mine. He wouldn’t let me in.
He’d shut me out like I did to him. So, I stay away, knowing he needs more time to come to terms with what I told him I did.
My mind replays the exact moment on a loop.
Never once stopping, and I welcome it, because even though I had to make him believe what happened was my fault, I deserve it.
Seeing the pain in his eyes is something I never want to witness again.
Slamming the book laid out in front of me closed, I stand and gather all the other forgotten books in front of me.
Not watching where I'm going, I round the corner and down an aisle, but I bump into something hard. When I look up, Seb is standing there, a look I can’t quite decipher plastered on his familiar face.
“Seb—” I breathe out, my heart pounding hard against my chest. I take a step back but don’t get very far as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me farther down the rows of bookshelves. My eyes dart around and find not a soul in sight.
I look back at Seb. Waiting.
“You look pale, Mary. Feeling guilty for what you did? It’s making you sick, huh?” His question hits me hard.
“I-It’s not what you think, Seb. Please.” I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing I had never left my dorm room and waited a few more days. Not that this would be any easier. I can’t tell him. He would freak out, and we would both get kicked out.
I can’t fucking tell him.
No matter how badly I want to. I know it would be the easier way out, but Seb wouldn’t let this go.
He wouldn’t just ignore what happened to me if I told him the truth.
For now, I'll play the part of the bad guy.
Like I'm the one who fucked up. Because I couldn't live with myself knowing I ruined his life even more.
I take a deep breath, readying myself for whatever hurtful words he will spew at me.
When I open them, they clash with his, and I can see everything. And it fucking hurts. But I can't let him read me.
I try hard to form some lie, but my words don't come out right. I can't think this close to him.
"What do you want?" I ask, training my voice not to shake even though all I want to do is sob into his chest until he holds me back.
But I don't do that. Instead, I mask any emotion on my face and steel my back straight.
Not giving anything away, even if inside my chest feels like it's caving in on itself.
"What do I want?" he repeats on a laugh that holds no humor. "I want to go back in time and change what happened at that party. I want to—" He turns and runs his hand through his black hair. "I want to go back in time and change everything."