Chapter 9
Mary
Seb's words linger in my mind for the rest of the day and well on into the week.
I see him in passing. I see him in class.
But he pretends as if I'm dead. Not that I blame him.
I can't keep my eyes from staying glued to him the entire time he's in my line of sight, just wanting to see a flicker of the man he was before I broke him—but I never do.
The hurt I put him through broke him thoroughly.
There is no happiness left in his eyes, no smile on his handsome face.
Only reservation. And it's all because of me.
On the chances he's not ignoring me, he's being a complete asshole—like fingering me in the stairwell for fun.
It's the closest I've been to him in the past six months.
I'm not sure what came over him or me that day. How having his hands on me didn’t send me into a panic attack.
I want to know what drove him to crowd me and do what he did, but I can't lie and say it didn’t feel as if a giant weight had been lifted from my chest when his hands touched me, when he whispered hurtful things into my ear.
I don't care what he said. All I could think about at that moment was that Seb was touching me.
Was I completely humiliated? Absolutely.
I felt like scum after he left the stairwell, leaving me with all my thoughts…
but it was the first time I'd felt something other than pain in the past six months.
He kept me grounded in reality the whole time.
No thought of Tyler and Anthony came to mind.
It was only him and his hands on my body.
Seb makes me feel safe, even now. He might hate me, but I know he would never hurt me.
Pushing through the crowd of people, I head toward the library once again.
Buying this bus ticket out of town is the only thing on my mind.
It doesn't take more than five minutes before I'm jogging up the steps and pulling the door open.
The scent of old books and whatever air freshener the librarian uses floods my nose, and I relax, knowing I'm safer in here than out there.
I walk directly to the tables in the back where no one usually is.
I have no idea where to go, but at this point, anywhere will be better.
I plop down in a chair, pull out my phone, and scroll through all the options on the website before choosing a random town in Ohio.
I thought that once I entered my payment information and pressed the submit button, I'd feel some relief.
But I don't. Nothing feels right about this.
A message comes through just as I exit the website, Maddie’s name flashing at the top. No doubt she's texting me about game night tonight at Ace's house, but I have no genuine interest in going.
Unfortunately, I don't think it's something I'll be able to get out of.
Definitely not once I tell them I leave in the morning.
Maddie: Maryyyyyy. I'm coming over.
Tate: Pregaming at Mary's? Sounds fun. I'll bring vodka.
Maddie: Great idea. See you guys in twenty.
I don't bother replying before standing and grabbing my bag.
Guess I'm pregaming.
One last game night sounds like the right way to go.
***
I find Maddie and Tate sitting on the floor in the hallway by my dorm room, talking in hushed tones until they see me. Maddie is the first to shoot up from her place on the floor. Tate follows seconds later.
“Finally,” Maddie says dramatically, even though it’s been maybe five minutes since they texted me at the library.
“Have I ever told you how impatient you are?” I ask, pulling my keys from my pocket and unlocking my door.
We enter my room, and I'm glad I cleaned up before class this morning. The battle with depression makes it hard even to shower some days, let alone clean my room.
“Yes. You have—multiple times. Doesn’t help though.” She smirks.
Tate doesn’t waste any time before popping open a bottle of vodka and downs at least three shots worth, and then passes it on to Maddie, who does the same.
"Fuck, that's nasty." She hands the bottle to me, and I hesitate. It's been exactly six months since I've had any alcohol. Part of me wants to escape everything that game night has to offer, and vodka might be precisely what I need—but I can't bring myself to do it.
I shake my head no, and she doesn't push.
Neither Tate nor Maddie knows what happened that night. They know something happened, but I could never bring myself to admit it out loud. Even to this day, I would rather pretend that what Tyler and Anthony did was all in my head.
I need to tell them I'm leaving tomorrow.
A fresh start at a new college and nothing from my past to keep holding me down.
It's now or never, and I think not saying goodbye to them would kill me just as much as it would hurt them. So, while they’re pulling makeup and clothes out of their bags, I shout the words out before I can change my mind.
"I'm leaving Eldridge tomorrow. My bus leaves at 8 a.m." I turn and pretend to be busy with something on the small dresser in front of me, hoping they won't even comment.
The room is deadly silent. Not even the sounds of their breathing fill the room anymore.
"Mary," I can hear the pain already lingering in Tate's voice. I turn, my nails digging into my palms. The pain helps keep me grounded. I can't let myself fall apart. My eyes are still trained to the ground because I know the second I look up, I'm going to snap.
"Mary, you can't leave." This time it's Maddie. The thickness in her voice makes my heart splinter a tad more.
Fuck.
I hate this.
"I'm sorry, but I have to." And this time, I look up, finding both their eyes full of tears. Maddie nods, knowing this will be for the best. She knows how broken I've been since everything. Tate looks like she's seconds away from protesting but thinks twice.
"You know what, it'll be fine. We can keep in touch. I'll steal Damon's car to come visit." A smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes takes over her beautiful face, and I give her a matching one back.
"Our last game night together," Maddie says.
"Our last game night," I repeat.
One last night.