Chapter 26
D rip.
Drip.
Without magic, you’ll ruin this kingdom. You’re nothing. Soon everyone around you will be nothing. Pathetic and worthless.
Drip .
The luxurious gold bath handles were dripping like that damned spot in the dungeon. Fitting, I supposed, since I felt like I was back there.
I didn’t move.
The water in the tub had long lost its warmth, and goose bumps prickled my flesh. All of the remaining bubbles, which once covered my body, now clumped into a few spots at the foot of the tub. I couldn’t move, though, so I gripped my arms around my knees tighter.
Andras had been right.
All those years Elisabeth and Ian tried to help me fight off the nightmares, tried to convince me that being magicless didn’t make me weak. But at the end of the day, Andras had been right.
If I’d had the magic I should have, I would have been able to help Elisabeth. I would have been able to do something until a healer arrived.
Instead of just sitting by her side and letting her die like the pathetic princess I was.
The tears streamed freely down my face, even after Ian had sedated me long enough to carry me back to my bedroom. There was nothing left inside of me to muster the strength to stop them.
Elisabeth’s death left an empty hole in my soul, which would be there forever. A hole that not only ached at her absence, but one that reminded me I hadn’t been enough to save her like she deserved.
I blinked slowly, my eyelids heavy and swollen.
My legs bore cuts and scrapes on them from when we’d been fighting and out on the road. Elisabeth’s healing magic had concentrated so much on my side, the lingering minor scrapes remained. Another stark reminder of everything I couldn’t do.
What if Elisabeth had been so drained from healing me, she couldn’t heal herself? Another thought which would stay with me forever.
I sobbed, a guttural sound, exploding from my chest. My face warmed beneath fresh tears. Apparently, I still had something left inside of me after all.
The handle to my washroom clicked behind me, but I didn’t care who entered.
I closed my eyes as the door opened, sensing who it was before seeing him.
Kade .
He could stay. He had helped me. Whether it was him or his shadows, I didn’t have the energy to care. As long as he didn’t antagonize me, he could stay. I didn’t even bother raising my head to give him a smart remark about seeing me naked or being in my private bathing chambers.
His footsteps clunked softly in a slow beat, and then stopped, a sad sigh escaping his lips. “I learned long ago there are no words that can be said to lessen the pain of losing someone you love. Anything I’d offer would be nothing which could ease your grief, even at my best.”
I rested my head on my arms, breathing in a shaky inhale. I noticed him from my periphery, sitting propped on the marble bench connecting to the back of my tub.
The words did help, though. Or perhaps it was his voice that helped. I didn’t have the energy to care yet.
He rose, walked to the front of the tub, and drained it.
I groaned. “I’m not ready.”
“I know.” He turned the golden handles, and warm water replaced the frigid as he ran his hand under the spout. He reached beneath the tepid surface, re-plugging it and letting his shadows turn the once-clear water into a storm-filled sky.
When the tub had filled, he twisted the handle hard enough so the damned dripping ceased.
“Let me help you, Illiana,” Kade said, walking behind me again.
I finally lifted my head, meeting his gaze, aware my tear-streaked face must look pathetic to a warrior who had undoubtedly lost plenty of people in his life. “With what?”
Kade smiled at me. A real, soft, fucking heart-wrenching smile. He reached over the tub and picked up one of my bathing oils, lathering the rose-scented concoction in his hands.
“Turn around,” he whispered, and without argument, I obeyed.
I leaned into his steady hands as he worked the shampoo over my scalp, slowly circling his fingers until he reached my neck and rubbed at tense muscles, which I knew would never ease.
“Tell me about her?” he asked.
He didn’t stop lathering, and rubbing circles over my head and neck, and I had yet to loosen my grip on my legs as I sat curled in a ball, even if I had shifted my head back for him.
“I have nightmares often. The first person I braved speaking to about them, besides Ian, was Elisabeth. I turned up at her door with horrendous dark circles under my eyes and burst into tears,” I recalled. “She took my hands—I loved the way hers always enveloped mine. She sat me at her table and brought out dandelion tea. I remember turning my nose up, but she told me to trust her. She brought out this tin, which had the word ‘Linen’ on it, and inside, there were these tiny little lemon cookies.”
My arms relaxed as I spoke.
“They were the best cookies I’ve ever had. And that damn dandelion tea.” I chuckled, although it came out strained and wet with fresh tears. “It became an instant favorite. Every week since then, we met for tea and secret cookies. Some days, I sat quietly and watched her work. Other days she sat and listened to my mindless prattle.” I smiled, pulling away from Kade’s fingers when I pressed my forehead to my arms, closing my eyes and picturing her small workroom and the smell of lemon and tea.
“Every time I left, I felt like there would be nothing too hard to handle. That everything would be okay,” I whispered.
Kade poured water over my back to clean the shampoo off without moving me.
Inky dark shadows curled over the sides of the tub, caressing the water, and breaking the surface until they rested on my shins and calves. Just like before, they comforted me, surrounding and pressing on me just enough to make me feel, safe.
Ridiculous for inanimate objects.
But true.
I relaxed for the first time since last night, tilting my head back as Kade rinsed the rest of my hair. I let my body relax and stretched my legs out for the first time in hours.
It sounded like he rummaged around behind me. “What comes next?” he asked.
I sniffled and twisted to the side, pointing toward a smaller bottle. “That one,” I said. “It goes over the top of my hair smoothly. Not scrubbed in.”
He grabbed the bottle and turned back to me, suddenly stiffening. He released a low, menacing growl, curling his lip. His eyes were low on my body, and I looked down, suddenly aware of what he’d see.
My scar.
“Who did that to you?”
I cleared my throat, turning around to face the front of the tub, letting his shadows cover my side once more. “No one. It’s just a mark.”
“I know what a fucking stab wound looks like, and this one is worse than most,” he said, his voice ragged, dry, and filled with fury. “Who. Did. It?”
The shadows in the tub had stilled, but I wasn’t afraid, despite my tremor.
I tapped my head, hopefully signaling to him to keep going while he stewed. I couldn’t face talking about Andras tonight. Not after losing Elisabeth.
Not after truly believing the words he’d tormented me with for the first time in my adult life.
Kade’s hands in my hair were gentle, despite the anger radiating from him.
“I’m not ready to talk about it,” I said finally.
He paused. “Is the person who marked you dead?”
The silence between us lingered, and Kade resumed running his hands through my hair steadily.
The silence strained further. But I gave him the answer. “No.”
He didn’t pause or hesitate this time. He merely continued stroking my hair. Fates, how was he so good at this? “They will be. When you’re ready.”
His words, the tone he took, the rigidity the shadows now possessed, everything about him was menacing. Threatening. Yet, I wasn't afraid. I didn't doubt his words, nor feel pressured to tell him more. The way he spoke was like a vow.
I closed my eyes, letting go of everything as he rinsed my hair. His hands, unfailingly steady, stroked at the strands until he finished.
“Done,” he said, letting go of me. “Now we should get you into bed.”
I hesitated before I rose from the water, more aware than ever the second I stood up, he’d see me completely naked. Before I could voice my concern, Kade sent his shadows to cover me, forming a dark curtain around my body. He grabbed my nightgown, which had been strewn across the sink.
I lifted my hands above my head as he slipped it down my body, the shadows flowing out beneath it, keeping close to me until my nightgown covered me. The absence of them once they withdrew left an additional strange loneliness.
He took my hand, patiently walking me back into my room. Leading me to the edge of my bed, he pulled my covers back. I couldn’t help but stare at him as he moved with such confidence, knowing exactly what to do without overstepping. He ran his thumb across my knuckles before bringing my hand to his lips. “Try to get some sleep.”
He started to walk away, but I refused to let go of him. “Please don’t go.”
Kade stared at me, for once, unsure of what to say.
Before he could come up with some sort of snarky response, I tugged his hand, jerking him toward me. He stumbled on the edge of the bed as I pulled him into my arms. Our eyes met, and warmth finally returned to my darkened, worthless-feeling soul.
With one hand still clasped in mine, he raised his other around the back of my neck and into my wet hair, our lips grazing lightly. He didn’t give in like I wanted. Like I needed. Instead, he drew away.
“I don’t want to be alone,” I whispered, staring into his eyes.
He shook his head, battling something inside of himself as his gaze darted from my lips to my eyes. “You’re grieving.” He kissed my forehead. “If you still want more when you’ve had time to process what’s happened, I will not deny you again.”
I brought my hands to his unbuttoned tunic collar. “You’re hardly a hero, you don’t need to act like one now.”
His lips quirked into a half-smile as he ran his fingertips along the side of my face. “I’m sure I’ll be back to my normal asshole-ish self tomorrow. For now, try to sleep, Little Rebel.”
I wrinkled my nose, but very subtly jerked his collar. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to mine, in a more chaste kiss than before, but one I felt everywhere, nonetheless. He removed my hands from his tunic, kissing my knuckles before gazing upon my face again and rising, leaving my bedside.
He didn’t glance back, but his shadows lingered a moment longer than he did before following, reluctantly trailing him.
Who would have thought Kade Blackthorn knew care and compassion?
My lids were heavy before the luxurious bath, and now were almost unbearable to keep open. I needed to sleep.
He’d kept the demons at bay once again, without even knowing it. With Elisabeth gone, there was a small part of me grateful I had another person to feel safe with.
I sat on the edge of the bed, fighting sleep. The nightmares would surely come for me tonight. A small pot of salve sat on my bedside table, which Elisabeth had prepared. Fresh tears threatened to fall as I held the canister of sweet floral-smelling salve to my chest. Inhaling the aroma that would forever remind me of her, I rubbed some on my hands and legs.
I paused. My legs were clear, perfectly healed, unlike prior to my bath.
The way Kade’s shadows had moved up and down my legs, they must have been healing them. Perhaps it explained why they were so comforting.
That night, instead of the nightmares I feared, my dreams were filled with tea and secret cookies. Except joining me with Elisabeth, in what I knew would never happen now, was Kade, smiling at the woman I would love until my dying breath.