Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Josie’s Howl List—April
Josie looked at her phone. She’d found the number to Blue Moon in the phone book nearly half an hour earlier and since then, she’d been holding a stare-down with her cell. He’d warned her last time that if she came back again, he’d want more from her.
And she’d truly left Jake’s apartment last time swearing that was it. The end.
Then, as usual, she’d spent the last few weeks thinking of nothing but him. She’d started the New Year, feeling so optimistic, hopeful about her future. Instead, all she’d found was a mess of confusion, self-doubts and unending horniness.
No. That wasn’t true. The horniness was definitely alleviated after a few hours in Jake’s arms. Problem was it came back with a vengeance the next morning, wanting more of the sexy bartender.
Her Howl List lay next to the phone, taunting her.
This weekend’s full moon was bondage.
There was no way she was going to attempt that game with anyone she didn’t know. Unfortunately the list of male acquaintances she’d be willing to play with sexually was woefully short. In fact, it contained only one name.
Jake.
“Fuck it,” she muttered, picking up the phone and dialing before she could talk herself out of it.
“Hello.”
“Laura?” Josie knew there was only one person who would understand what she was going through.
“Hi, Josie. What are you doing calling me? I thought it was full-moon night.”
Josie grimaced. Her friends had told her on more than one occasion that they were living vicariously through her adventures.
Their Thursday wine dates following the full moon were saved especially for her.
She hadn’t disappointed them, filling them in on the details of the sexual games.
But she’d always held back the more personal aspects, Jake’s compliments, the way he was tugging on her heartstrings, making her long for more than a casual affair.
“It is, but I think I’m getting cold feet this time.”
Laura sighed. “I’ll be there in two minutes.”
The phone disconnected and Josie laughed when—true to her word—Laura was standing outside her door one hundred and twenty seconds later.
“What’s wrong? I thought this full moon was in the bag. You said Jake invited you back.”
“He did, but he sort of attached some strings to it.”
“What sort of strings?”
Josie sank down onto her couch, while Laura claimed a nearby chair. “He wants to start dating me.”
Laura leaned back, nodding slowly. Josie had called the right friend. While Shelly would have squealed with delight over such a pronouncement, Laura understood the gravity of the situation.
Or at least, Josie thought she had until Laura asked, “So what’s holding you back?”
Josie reared back, surprised. “Everything. I just got out of the marriage from hell. I—”
“Two years ago,” Laura interrupted. “You’ve been divorced two years, Josie. It’s not like the ink just dried yesterday.”
Josie took a deep breath and forged on. “I really like him.”
Laura smiled. “Yeah. I kind of thought so from the way you light up when you talk about him.”
“Do you know how you meet someone and you just click? I’ve been on a few dates since the divorce and all of them were hard work—to make conversation, to find something in common, to endure a few lousy hours together even after you know you’re never going out with this guy again.”
“It’s not like that with Jake?”
Josie shook her head. “Not even close. I sat down at that bar and we started talking like we’d known each other our whole lives. It was nice.”
“So go out with him.”
“That’s not exactly the answer I was looking for.”
Laura laughed. “You know you’re not the only one who’s been taking some long hard looks in the mirror.”
“Your second chance?”
Laura nodded. “I thought I’d changed during the course of my marriage. I didn’t. Turns out I just forgot how to be happy.”
“And now you remember?”
Laura picked up a Matchbox car Tommy had left on the floor, toying with it absent-mindedly.
“I’m getting there. What would make you happy, Josie?
And take Tommy out of the equation. I know you want him to be happy, but the fact remains your son is going to leave you in about twelve years. That’s not as long as you may think.”
“Wow. That’s a depressing thought.”
Laura laughed. “But a true one. Tommy will graduate, go off to college or work, meet a girl and there you go. Mason and I built our lives around our kids and when they left, we realized we had nothing in common anymore. I may have been married, but I was still alone. I knew I didn’t want that so I left.
I told myself it was because it was easier to truly be alone than to be painfully lonely while lying next to someone in bed. Turns out that wasn’t why I left.”
“Why did you?”
“Because, at heart, I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with someone who loves me.”
Josie was stunned. For so long, she’d thought she and Laura were kindred spirits because of their distaste for the institution of marriage. Apparently that wasn’t what linked them at all. It was their desire for love and happiness.
“There’s nothing wrong with considering Tommy’s feelings, and you should. But what you decide now will determine if you’re alone when he grows up and leaves or if you’re with someone.”
Josie rested her head against the back of the couch. “My mom played the dating game after my dad left and it opened a revolving door of wannabe fathers.”
“Your mom’s remarried, right?”
Josie’s gaze connected with Laura’s. “She remarried about ten years ago, when I was sixteen.”
“You like your stepdad?”
Josie nodded. “I do. Alex is great for my mom. They travel together, watch the same ridiculous reality shows on TV.”
“So how much do you resent the revolving door versus the fact that your mother is happy right now? Would you prefer she be alone because it would have saved you some angst when you were younger?”
“Of course not.”
“Were you irrevocably traumatized by all the boyfriends?”
Josie shook her head. “Actually there were only two long-term boyfriends before my mom met Alex and both of them were nice men. Things just didn’t work out for whatever reason. I’m really glad she found Alex. He’s perfect for her.”
Laura leaned forward and took Josie’s hand in hers. “I suspect if we ask Tommy the same questions in twenty years or so, his answer will be the same. He’ll only wish for your happiness.”
“What if Jake leaves too?” It was the fear that kept niggling at the back of Josie’s mind, the thing that caused her to jerk awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.
“That’s love, sweetheart. Either he’s worth taking a chance on or he’s not. There are no guarantees.”
Josie knew that. But she’d been hurt badly before. She wasn’t sure she could put herself out there again. For two years, she’d hidden from that truth, unwilling to face it. She’d created the Howl List because it protected her from that risk.
Laura rose and started for the door. Josie followed her.
“You called me for advice, so I’ll give it to you. You’re not a coward, Josie. You never have been. Now call him.” With that, Laura left.
Josie closed the front door and leaned against it. Was that what she was being? A coward? The word didn’t sit well with her. Josie took a deep breath and walked to the coffee table. She picked up her phone and dialed the number without hesitation.
“Blue Moon. This is Jake.”
Josie’s courage left her the moment she heard his voice.
“Hello?”
“Jake.” His name came out in a rough burst of air. She forced herself to get a grip.
“Josie?”
He recognized her voice. She smiled. “Yeah. It’s me. I know it’s short notice, but I was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink or something tonight.”
She could picture his familiar grin when he said, “Would the something happen to involve a little howling, bondage-style?”
Her face flushed and she was glad he couldn’t see her. “Nice to know your dirty mind has such a good memory.”
“Jesus, Josie. I haven’t been able to think about much else since you told me what this month’s plan for the full moon was.”
“Me either.”
“I’d love to meet for drinks. There’s a little pub on the corner of my street called McMillan’s. Do you know the one I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, I do. Meet you there at seven?”
Jake paused. Was he having second thoughts? She wouldn’t blame him if he was. Her treatment of him the past few months hadn’t been exactly stellar. “Seven’s fine, but, Josie, I was serious the last time we talked. If you’re not willing to share some personal information—”
“I will,” she said quickly. “Seven o’clock?”
“I’ll be there.”
Josie disconnected and glanced at the time. It was a little after five. She climbed the stairs, butterflies fluttering in her stomach, nervous as a girl on her first date.
She’d been on several dates since her divorce, but she’d accepted those invitations knowing none of the men were a danger to her single lifestyle.
Jake was danger personified. And yet she couldn’t resist drifting closer to the deep end.
He deserved to know what exactly he was getting into.
So…for better or worse, she was going to tell him everything—about Tommy, Tony, her fears.
The poor guy was probably going to be sorry he didn’t leave well enough alone.
Turning on the shower, she slowly disrobed, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. As anxious as she was, tonight Josie was going to stop hiding. Jake was going to see the real her—warts and all.
And, God willing, he wouldn’t run for the hills.
Josie stepped into the dimly lit bar two hours later. She was a few minutes late, after struggling to find a parking space. She glanced around the room and spotted Jake, waving to her from a corner table.
She smiled and joined him. “Sorry. Parking sucks around here.”