21
Walking into a bar at midday always fills me with an anticipatory feeling. It reminds me of passing by Johnston fairgrounds in the morning as a kid. There used to be this magical county fair that would stop through town every summer and all of us went crazy for it. There were giant parties in the evenings where backwoods country and rock music blasted, the parents danced, and the kids ran wild through the rides and the grounds, cotton candy sugar-highed and falling in love, holding hands. In the morning, when I passed by those cool abandoned grounds, it got me all excited and eager thinking of all the lofty dreams that would play out in the evening. This is the same feeling I got when I was in Jimmy’s Place when it was closed and empty and early.
We stride in with our chests out, inflated by purpose, ushered in by the warm day behind us. The air conditioning levels my senses but only for a moment. I’m stopped in my tracks. Saul is behind the bar talking to Rose. My mind goes all fuzzy and that damn pounding crashes in my chest again. I had no reason to expect she’d be around, especially at this hour. Only seconds ago, I was walking into this place like John Wayne, where had my stamina for heroics gone? Get it together. I swallow the adrenaline and continue forward. I lead us toward the bar.
“Hey guys, let’s go round back,” Saul goes, and that’s that. He drops his white towel on the counter, hands Rose a set of keys and starts heading to his office. Leon and Prince stroll along after him but I can’t help myself. Even though some sort of pride begs me to play it cool and ignore her gravity, I can’t. I steal a glance her way, and she catches my eye. She twirls the keys in her hand and smiles. She taps that brass collection on the wood top.
“Good luck in there.”
I tilt my head slightly like a dog would in thought. What does she know?
“Thank you.”
“C’mon pal,” Prince calls out as he walks away. Rose points to the back of the bar as if to say, go on then .
Somehow, I turn from her orbit and follow the guys into the office, all the while thinking about simple hellos and simple words, eye contact and how it can be as fine and romantic as anything.
We take a seat in Saul’s office, and I quickly scan it down. He’s quite the minimalist. There are a couple old photographs from the early days of Jimmy’s hanging on the wall, dusted and faded, and in this collection, there is one I recognize most of all. It sinks my stomach. Yet another blow to the sublime focus I carried only moments ago. There on the wall, hanging in the center of Saul’s collage, is a framed black and white picture of my father sitting at the bar, Jimmy by his side. My father holds a Budweiser and wears a flannel, his stomach pushing out through his tucked in tee shirt, and Jimmy, bar towel in hand and cigarette mouthed, stoically flanks him. The picture says everything all at once. Neither smiled. They were grounded and honest in their exhausted efforts. They were bent to the Earth but surviving, beer in hand. One drunken conversation away from figuring it out. Even after all these years, an admiration seeps into my blood. God. How do we kill our heroes?
I close my eyes and shake it off. There are pens and pencils in a black coffee mug sitting atop a pile of wilting papers. A few rays of light pour in through the near ceiling window. I have the morbid thought that there’s no way in hell Saul would be able to make his way up and out of that escape if Jimmy’s was ablaze, trapping him amongst this dusty barren chamber. Look no further than Saul’s office to conclude the man is listless and on his way out, with or without our offer.
“Well. How can I help you guys?”
And by some miracle I keep myself from telling Saul right off about how he needn’t look so morbid and stone-like indifferent. The way he said it, how can I help you guys , fuck’s sake. I hadn’t once in my life heard him use that tone. It was as if he fancied himself a bored and irritated mafia boss dealing with his lessers, mulling his legions of power. Poor bastard, Saul. You’ve got it all wrong.
“Saul, man, we’ve known each other a long time—” and I go right down to the root. “We were raised here, you and I, wouldn’t you say? Remember those days, running around the parking lot back there. Remember playing those night games man, kick the can and shit, while our fathers drank the night away? Remember all those times? I do. Like they were yesterday. Forever ago but yesterday. You know I’ve always loved this spot, man. Nobody loves this spot like me. I’m romantic about it, Saul. I really am. My whole life has revolved around this bar in some way or another. From the beginning. But look man, and this is important, it’s not all just sentimentality ya know, I also see, we also see, a lot of potential here. Real promise ya know? We believe in the place and we’re hungry for something. Maybe we all need a change. All of us. God man, I know you’re sick of this. I know you’re tired of dealing with this place. When your pops died he gave you the bar but he never even asked you if you wanted it. You’ve served your time, man. Hell, I’m sure he’d be proud of ya, but aren’t you ready to be off? Don’t you ever think about doing something else or getting out of here or something—starting over somewhere anonymous, ya know? Could be good, could be real good.”
And throughout it all, Saul just stares back at me silently, unchanging. I have to admit, it’s a little unsettling how closed off he is. Still, I continue, trusting I’m in the pocket and that what I’m saying is the truth.
“Anyway man, we’re giving you that chance if you want it. We’ll take good care of it all, you know we will. We think it’s time.”
He blinks at me and scratches absently at his chin. I can’t help but feel I could have said that all a bit better but my mind’s running crazy now. I can’t help but notice that look in Saul’s eye. He’s off somewhere else. I turn it over to Prince who has actually drawn up some papers and plans.
He hands them to Saul who glances back and forth between the scribbled ideas and Prince’s charming proposals. Leon, meanwhile, sits arms crossed and quiet to my right, surely wondering about other things while all this is happening, his mind often working much faster than all the others in the room. I bet he’s thought about the coffee mug, the window, and that fuckling looming photograph of my father on the wall. I bet he’s even thought about how that’s affecting me at this very second. I rub my eyes. Prince is really pushing the whole thing home while I notice a bag in the corner with some clothes hanging out. Is Saul sleeping here now?
Prince finishes his pitch and Saul lets out a giant breath.
“Well, it’s something to think about.” His eyes narrow and the severe lines on his forehead crunch down together as if to squeeze the life out of his face. He’s just staring at the papers while we sit relatively agape at his indifference.
Prince, thrown, goes, “That’s it?”
And Saul doesn’t look up. He just nods to himself as he looks down at the papers, mind and heart closed off and says, “For now, think so.”
I can see it happen as clearly as I can see Prince and Leon beside me, or the coat of dust on the desk which occasionally goes airborne, floating home to our lungs. Somewhere in that deep quiet heartbreak that has always defined Saul, I know he is thinking about the past. He can’t meet my eyes. What are you hiding, Saul? What aren’t you saying? And all at once I remember, those many years ago, when I found him crying in the middle school bathroom. It was one of the saddest, loneliest things I’d ever seen. Saul taps the stack of papers on his desk and then sets them down. Eternally quiet. Prince stares him down, and for the first time, it dawns on me that the whole thing is a disaster and maybe we never had a chance in the first place. I’m waiting for Prince to engage, but he’s by all accounts calm, though a storm rages beneath. He’s a good actor. Deep down, I know that, if allowed, he would completely rip Saul to bones for such a dismissive, uninterested demeanor and lack of reason or communication. Prince is burning. My heart begins to ache for everything, but I know this is not the time to press him.
“Well, take the time you need, man,” I say, to which Saul nods.
He keeps his eyes on the papers, his desk. Claustrophobia is setting in. The sweat and the dust is on us. The sunlight pierces the air, illuminating the floating dirt and debris. Five more minutes and the walls will surely cave in and crumble. We’ll be buried in ruins, like the best of our glorious plans. I shake my head and let out an exasperated breath. What is easy is never easy when and where it should be. We stand up one by one, the chairs shaking against the wooden floorboards. We all shake Saul’s hand and still, he meets no eye. We leave his office in need of cleaner air. We walk through the bar, and gone is that anticipatory feeling. We left it dead and bleeding in Saul’s office. The place is filled with abandon now, our feet echoing as we cross the expanse in defeat. Rose is nowhere to be seen. What an empty arena of dying promise.
Outside, the sun is gaining momentum, too severe for our dispositions. The doors close behind us and to the gravel Prince goes, “What, the fuck was that?”
I’m looking around the deserted parking lot, clueless, stunned. I run my hands through my hair trying to think,
“I don’t know man, I really don’t know. Something’s going on with him.”
Leon sighs.
“That guy ain’t sellin a damn thing.”
Prince lets out a growl and curses under his breath.
“He is the fuckin worst kind of person, I’m serious.”
Leon has already shifted his course, a bit more hopeful than we are.
“Gotta head to work fellas,” he says. “Who knows. Talk soon.” He pats Prince on the back as he stands hunched with his hands on his knees. “Who knows?”
And he’s off. Prince and I stand there for a moment more, growing further frustrated and perplexed. He spits into the gravel and stands up straight again.
“Alright pal, I’m gonna go fuckin, I don’t know. Swing by later if you want,” and I watch him go as he mutters a couple things to himself. “Fuckin Saul.”
“See you later, man.”
“Yeah. See ya, Cash.”
God, what a stupid disappointing drag this had turned out to be.
I stand long and strange outside Jimmy’s Place, alone, blankly staring at the building. It’s a relatively small place with dark brick lining and a rusted piped roof. The sign is old and turned docile in daytime. Was it all over and done just like that? Fuck it. I clap my hands together and move. I walk to the front doors and decide to try one more time. The place is as empty and quiet as ever as I stride the length of the room. I knock on Saul’s door and when no response comes, I take a look inside, but he’s gone. I walk through the kitchen, and push my head out the back to see if Saul’s car is still parked in the alley but it isn’t. How had he tailed off so quickly and without me noticing? I shut the heavy metal door tight and feel the rush of cold bar air back on my face and breathe it in deep. If Saul had left, he left fast. I don’t know what to make of that. I head back from the kitchen and into the bar and like a spirit she has emerged. Rose is behind the counter, rearranging liquor bottles, glasses, and rags. I approach and keep the greeting short, “Any chance you know what happened to Saul?”
“Today or in general?”
“Today—just now. We just finished that meeting with him not five minutes ago—”
“Right. Yeah, he just left.”
“He left?”
“Yep. Just a second ago I think.”
“Why?”
“I couldn’t tell ya.”
“He didn’t say nothin?”
“Nope, just came out from the office and walked out back.”
What was spinning in Saul’s mind?
“Is something wrong?” she asks.
“What? No, no I just wanted to catch him again quick. I guess I’ll try and swing back later.”
“Yeah, alright.”
“Will you be here?”
“What’s it to ya?”
“Thought maybe you’d have a beer with me?”
She puts the last of the glasses away and scoops up her car keys. She looks at me with her sharp green eyes, pupils nighttime black in the haze. She smirks a bit. “I’ll see ya around I’m sure.”
Without another word, she walks away. She doesn’t look back, but I do hear her say, “The name’s Cash right? Like Johnny?”
“Yeah, something like that.”