Chapter 6
EIGHTEEN MONTHS AGO
I’d heard about the battles friends and neighbours had with their teenagers and my heart went out to them.
Maddie and I had always shared a close bond and I loved that she felt comfortable talking to me about anything – school, friendships, boys, feelings.
I believed that had made a big difference during those difficult hormonal years as, instead of lashing out at me, Maddie talked about the jumble of emotions she was feeling and we worked through them together.
I was conscious of ensuring I kept my parent head on and didn’t switch into therapist mode but there was no doubting that my day job did help.
Even though I had it good, I never allowed myself to feel smug that Maddie had made it to sixteen without any major issues because it was possible that could all change. And the moment she moved up to the sixth form it did and I levelled the blame firmly at Carmen Littler’s door.
Maddie had had it tough with friendships, often finding herself in a group of three and being the one pushed out, so I’d initially been thrilled for her when she came home and announced that she had a new, close friend.
I knew very little about Carmen or her family so I had no concerns about their friendship. At first.
By the end of that first week, I could already see changes in Maddie.
There were visible ones such as heavier make-up, false eyelashes, hair down and styled instead of tied back.
Maddie had always been an outdoorsy type who’d never fussed over how she looked but I was conscious she was growing into a young woman and it was understandable that she’d want to experiment and find her own style.
The changes in her appearance therefore didn’t cause me any concern but the changes in her attitude did.
For as long as I could remember we’d had this thing where, once we were both home from school and work, we told each other three things about our day.
I loved the insights it gave into Maddie’s world and how it helped her see into mine.
The three things were usually funny stories, observations or gossip but often led to longer, deeper conversations.
Three things was my favourite part of the day but, across Maddie’s first fortnight at sixth form, she seemed less willing to participate.
‘Three things?’ I asked at the end of her second week.
She rolled her eyes – something she’d done with alarming frequency recently. ‘Do we have to? I’m tired.’
‘Of course we do! It’s our thing. Should I start? Firstly, I tried that peach, melon and grape juice at lunchtime and you were right to steer clear – not a good flavour combo. My second is sad news. You know Mrs Hancock who used to run the post office? She passed away last night.’
I paused, expecting some sort of reaction as empathy was one of Maddie’s many positive traits. Instead, she stared at me, her expression bored.
‘And, saving the best till last, I started with a new client today. She used to love riding but she stopped after breaking her back in a riding accident. She’s partly paralysed and hasn’t been around horses since but she felt the time was right to face that fear, so it was a different remit to most of my clients.
Oh my gosh, Maddie, seeing her interacting with Peppercorn was so special.
Jude and I were both in bits afterwards. ’
Surely she had to react to that. Maddie loved hearing about the healing power of animals and had chosen psychology as one of her A levels, interested in following in my footsteps as an animal-assisted therapist.
‘What are your three things?’ I asked, smiling at her.
‘My three things are that I’m tired, I’ve got homework and I’m bored of doing this.’
‘Bored of three things?’
‘Yes! We started it when I was a kid but I’m sixteen now and the intrusion into my life is disrespectful.’
With that, she stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her, leaving me wondering what had just happened and where my sweet girl had gone.
Hoping her reaction had been because she really was tired and perhaps feeling a little out of sorts as she settled into the different way of life at sixth form, I tried again after the weekend, but she hurled the accusation at me that I never listened to her so I didn’t ask her for three things after that.
Her life became more of a mystery as any attempts to find out just one thing about her day were met with disdain.
If I tried to tell her something about my day, she walked away.
My job gave me the gift of reading people well and I couldn’t shake the feeling that Carmen wasn’t to be trusted.
Every time she visited our house, she exuded confidence as she greeted me as Maddie’s Mother and either complimented me on some aspect of my appearance or something in our home.
Despite the enthusiastic tone and smile, I had this overwhelming sense that she was taking the mickey and really picking out things she hated, but I smiled politely and thanked her as the last thing I wanted was Maddie accusing me of being rude to her friend.
Over the months that followed, Maddie changed in so many ways under Carmen’s influence.
Her temperament changed from sunny to moody, her dress sense from conservative to revealing, her attitude from helpful to disrespectful.
I hoped Maddie would tire of Carmen or vice versa but the pair of them seemed to be joined at the hip.
I missed our conversations but any attempts to get her to talk to me were met with stop trying to be my therapist. I’d never tried to be her therapist. All I’d ever wanted to be was her mam but she wouldn’t let me do that either and it hurt so badly.
Across that first year of sixth form, my daughter steadily slipped away from me and I felt powerless to stop her.