Chapter 8
FOUR MONTHS LATER
‘I was determined not to cry but look at the state of me.’ Jude blotted her eyes with a damp tissue. ‘What am I going to do without you, Grace?’
I wanted to say something back but the lump in my throat was so huge that there was no room for words to squeeze past it.
Instead, I grabbed her in a tight hug, tears running down my own cheeks.
Even if I had been able to speak, I doubted I’d have found the words to describe how much I was going to miss her.
‘Do you want me to drop the keys off at the estate agent?’ Jude asked as we reluctantly released each other. ‘Save you the detour.’
‘That would be amazing if you don’t mind. It’s going to be a long enough journey as it is.’
I started removing the front door key from the silver horseshoe keyring – a gift from Laurie the day we moved in – but stopped when it was halfway round the ring, shaking my head.
‘I don’t want this with me for my fresh start,’ I said, pushing it back onto the ring. ‘I’ve got to try and let go of the past.’
Jude took the keyring from me. ‘It’ll be okay. You’re doing the right thing.’
‘Am I?’ I glanced towards the car where Maddie was hunched up in the passenger seat, her face like thunder.
Jude gave my arm a gentle squeeze. ‘She’s confused and hurting about a lot of things right now but she’ll come around. This is an exciting new start for you all. Blue skies are ahead.’
‘I hope so.’ I sighed heavily. ‘That was certainly a tough year I never want to repeat. Thank you for being my rock through it all.’
‘Same to you. I’m not sure I’d have made it through the takeover without your calming influence.’
‘Do you promise to play nicely at work? No more spats with the boss?’
Jude tutted. ‘My tongue is sore from the amount of times I’ve bitten it. That man is impossible.’
‘I know, but he pays your wages and, while none of the other riding stables are recruiting, you’re best to stay on his good side.’
‘I’ll try, but it won’t be easy.’
‘Keep the faith. Blue skies are ahead for you too.’
Jude scrunched up her nose. ‘It’s a bit foggy for me still but give it some time and I’m sure the fog will lift and the rain will stop and the dark clouds will part and…’ She paused and smiled. ‘Am I taking the analogy a bit far?’
‘Maybe just a tad.’
We hugged each other once more and I clambered into the car and started the engine.
‘Bye, Maddie,’ Jude called through the open window.
Maddie raised her hand but didn’t speak. I rolled my eyes at Jude and mouthed sorry. She nodded and gave me a subtle thumbs up.
‘Let me know you’ve arrived safely and I’ll see you really soon.’
Jude would be joining us a week on Sunday, having generously booked a fortnight off work to help us with the final preparations for opening day on Wednesday, 1 July, to support our first few days of being open to the public and to assist with the arrival of our cows from Fetlock Farm the following week.
Putting the gearstick into drive, I slowly edged the car forward, my heart heavy as I took one last look in the rearview mirror at my beautiful home. Except it wasn’t mine anymore. Another family would be moving in later today and putting their stamp on it.
I’d known this was going to be tough but it was proving to be harder than I’d imagined.
Even though I was excited about moving back to Northumberland, Berkshire had been my home for more than half my life.
I’d moved to Twyford with Laurie when I was twenty-one and I was forty-six now.
This was where we’d started our careers, bought our first house together, got married, had Maddie, moved to a bigger house – our forever home – and celebrated so many birthdays, anniversaries and special moments.
And now I had to leave it all behind and, truth was, I didn’t understand why.
* * *
‘Are we really going to do the whole journey in silence?’ I asked, giving Maddie a sideways glance after half an hour. ‘Talk to me, Maddie. Please!’
She kept her arms folded across her chest, her head turned towards the passenger’s side window. ‘I don’t want to.’
‘Shout at me, then. Anything’s better than this moody silence.
I know you’re not happy about moving but sometimes life doesn’t go the way we hoped or planned.
Sometimes it turns upside down like ours has and you can fight it or you can run with it.
It’ll be so much easier for you if you see this as an opportunity instead of a disaster – an exciting new adventure ahead of us. ’
She finally turned away from the window. ‘An adventure? How old do you think I am? Six?’
I bit back the urge to tell her that she’d certainly behaved like a small child recently, stomping around the house, kicking at the packing boxes, glowering.
‘Adventures are for all ages and this is yours, mine and your nanna’s. I’m scared but I’m also excited about it and I’m certain you would be too if you let yourself.’
Silence.
‘I’d have thought you’d be glad to be moving away from Twyford after what happened with Alfie and Carmen – fresh start and all that.’
‘I don’t want a fresh start. I want things back to how they used to be. And I don’t want to hear any more of your motivational speeches about change being positive. It isn’t. It’s shit.’
I winced at the expletive. Maddie had never sworn in front of me before and the word sounded alien coming from her lips. It didn’t feel like the right moment to pick up on it and if cursing helped release some of her anger, so be it.
‘I hate the farm,’ she continued, her voice increasing in volume and pitch. ‘I hate Northumberland, I hate Alfie and Carmen, and as for you and Dad, you’ve…’
I braced myself for the hurtful words I’d heard far too many times recently – you’ve ruined my life – but I was spared on this occasion. Releasing a frustrated urgh sound, Maddie turned her head away from me once more, letting her long dark hair fall forward to cover her face.
Clearly we weren’t going to resolve anything right now so I might as well turn the radio up and sing along to the music.
I truly was excited about moving back to Northumberland and being closer to my family.
When I left home to study a degree in sports therapy at Loughborough University, I’d fully intended to return to Northumberland after graduating.
But I met Laurie at Loughborough and falling in love with him changed everything.
Laurie Coates, a mechanical engineering student, hailed from Berkshire.
He wasn’t averse to living in the north-east after we graduated and I wasn’t averse to moving to the south but the best job opportunities for both of us happened to be in Reading.
Three hundred and twenty miles felt like such a long way from home but my parents, as always, were incredibly supportive, saying they only ever wanted me to be happy.
And I was. I had the perfect partner and the dream career.
Three years after graduating, Laurie and I got married and Maddie was born four years after that, completing our family.
We were both ambitious and championed each other to progress with our careers.
I encouraged Laurie to obtain a Master’s in engineering and to accept assignments overseas, knowing that the experience he gained would help secure him future promotions.
He supported me through a career change from sports therapist to animal-assisted therapist which had necessitated a second degree in psychology and counselling.
We’d provided strength to each other through sad and difficult times including the loss of the remaining grandparents on both sides, a cancer diagnosis for his brother who was now, thankfully, in full remission, the tragic death of one of our best friends, Adrian, and the sudden death of my wonderful dad.
I’d thought we could get through anything together.
When Laurie arrived home from work a year ago announcing major redundancies and his senior role being at high risk, I was heartbroken for him, especially as he’d given his entire career so far to the same company.
But I’d had no reason to believe we wouldn’t get through it just like we’d done with all the other challenges we’d faced.
I’d always been a positive person who responded well to change.
I believed that everything happened for a reason and unexpected changes invariably turned out to be for the best. Laurie’s redundancy felt like one of those occasions.
I’d never in a million years have predicted that Laurie would take that fresh start to the extreme.
New job. New home. New country. New life.
Without me.