Chapter 20
‘Auntie Grace!’ My eight-year-old niece, Lola, ran towards me the following afternoon and leapt into my arms. Holding her tightly round the waist, I spun her in a circle with her legs sticking out – our signature move every time we saw each other.
I placed Lola down on the ground and took a good look at her, noting a few changes since I saw her in February.
‘If you get any taller, we won’t be able to do that anymore,’ I said, hugging her once more.
My five-year-old nephew, Max, was acting all shy, hiding behind Hope’s legs. I hugged my sister then looked around me.
‘I thought my nephew was coming to visit, but he’s obviously decided not to come today,’ I said. ‘Such a shame because his nanna and I made some fairy cakes this morning and, if he’s not here, he’s going to miss out.’
As Max giggled, Mam picked up the mantle.
‘I was really looking forward to seeing my grandson too but I’ll just have to eat his cake. Yum, yum!’
‘I’m here!’ he cried, running towards Mam for a hug, then to me.
‘That’s better,’ I said, picking him up and stroking back his blond curls. ‘I’ve missed you and your sister. Would you like to see the animals first or have a fairy cake?’
They didn’t have any goats at Briar Stones Farm so Hope had told me that Lola and Max were really excited about meeting ours. I thought the animals would win – especially as the kids wouldn’t have had their lunch that long ago – but the cakes beat the goats so we went inside.
I’d expected to see Maddie in the kitchen, having called her when I saw Hope arriving, but it was empty.
I wasn’t going to shout her again. She knew we were expecting visitors and had promised over lunch that she’d spend some quality time with her young cousins when they arrived.
If she didn’t have the manners to come down and greet them, I wasn’t chasing her.
‘Where’s Maddie?’ Hope asked as I handed her a mug of tea.
‘In her bedroom. She knows you’re here but…’ I nodded towards Lola and Max. ‘Let’s say it’s been a challenging move and leave it at that for now.’
Hope nodded. ‘But I’ll get the full story out of you before I leave.’
‘How about I take these two to feed the goats and you show Hope the café?’ Mam said.
The suggestion was met with squeals of excitement from Lola and Max so they went outside and Hope and I followed with our mugs of tea.
* * *
‘I don’t remember us ever being like that,’ Hope said after I’d brought her up to speed on Maddie.
‘Mam says we weren’t. In low moments I wonder if it’s my fault and I’m a rubbish parent but I remind myself that we had a really strong relationship until she moved up to the sixth form.’
‘You’re a brilliant mam!’ Hope cried. ‘Don’t you ever doubt that. Mam’s my role model for how it’s done and so are you.’
‘Mam thinks Maddie needs time. I just hope she doesn’t take too long.’
‘If there’s anything I can do, let me know.’
‘Thank you. Prayers for a miracle might be appreciated. Right, let’s go and see how Mam’s getting on amusing your two.’
We returned our mugs to the farmhouse kitchen and I checked Clemmie was safe inside before leaving with Nova and Skye. We found Mam, Lola and Max at Big Field, stroking Hera. Lola was standing on the bars of the gate and Mam had lifted Max up.
‘They’re so big!’ Lola exclaimed as we approached.
‘They are, but they’re gentle giants.’
Duchess joined Hera at the gate, closely followed by Gladys, and Lola shuffled along to stroke them. It was lovely to see my niece and nephew so animated as they engaged with the heavy horses but it tugged on my heartstrings too. I’d have loved to see my own daughter showing some sort of interest.
* * *
Hope, Lola and Max left at half three and Mam and I were in the lounge with Clemmie and the dogs having another cuppa when Maddie appeared looking dishevelled.
‘Where’s Auntie Hope?’ she asked, rubbing her eyes.
‘Been and gone. They were disappointed not to see you.’ I could hear the edge to my voice.
‘Why didn’t you come and get me?’
‘You knew what time they were coming, I shouted you just before they pulled up and you replied to say you’d be down soon. Was that not enough?’
‘I was napping when you shouted and I was going to come down but I must have dozed off again.’
‘You’ve been asleep for all that time?’ I asked, feeling concerned. ‘Are you all right?’
‘I’m fine,’ she snapped. ‘Just tired.’
‘How can you be so tired when you do nothing but watch TV all day?’
‘Because I am. All I’ve done for months is pack and revise. Is it really so impossible to think I might be knackered?’ And she flounced out the lounge and stomped up the stairs, slamming her door which made Clemmie jump and Skye whimper.
‘I never thought about that,’ I said to Mam. ‘I’ll give her five minutes to calm down then go up and see her.’
But I got distracted as, on checking my emails, I found one from Lindon with a more detailed version of the logo we’d chosen.
‘How amazing is this?’ I said, enlarging it and passing my phone to Mam.
Our new logo consisted of Apollo’s head poking over a giant horseshoe, the head of a cheeky pygmy goat to one side and a Highland cow on the other, with the name of the farm across the top.
Mam and I had decided that I should tell Willow about the cows when I discussed her employment contract with her, which had been just as well as I’d have felt bad if her brother had found out first. They’d both been asked to keep it a secret for now.
Willow had been incredibly excited and had already offered to help the cows settle in.
‘He’s given us a few colour variations for the lettering,’ I said, clicking through the red, green, blue and gold options. ‘I like the red best – it’s a really vibrant shade like a tractor.’
‘I agree,’ Mam said. ‘He’s done a brilliant job.’
I replied to accept the red version and, a few minutes later, another email came through.
To: Grace Coates
From: Lindon Pickersgill
Date: 20 June
Subject: Your website
So pleased you love the logo and thanks for confirming your preferred colour.
The red was my favourite too. I’ve set up your website and attached a link.
It’s not live yet but I’ve added in Lorem ipsum – dummy text – so you can get a feel for how it looks with words.
I’ve included some of the photos I took earlier but can easily change those, the tabs and the dropdown menus.
My advice is to start fairly simple and add to it when you get a better feel for how you want to use your website v your socials.
‘That Lindon’s a talented young lad,’ Mam said as we scrolled through the website together. ‘I wonder if he’s got a girlfriend.’
‘I think he might be a bit young for you or me.’
She gave me a playful shove. ‘You know full well I was thinking for our Maddie.’
I smiled at her. ‘From what I’ve seen so far, he’d be a thousand-fold improvement on Alfie but, even if he’s single, I don’t imagine he’d like the version of Maddie we’re seeing at the moment. If the old Maddie ever returns, who knows?’
* * *
Maddie reappeared when Mam called her down for tea a few hours later but she refused to join in the conversation, giving one-word answers any time Mam or I tried to engage with her.
‘Lindon sent us a logo,’ I said, taking out my phone and handing it to Maddie while Mam cleared the plates away. ‘What do you think?’
Maddie stared at the phone for a while. ‘Green.’
‘What’s green?’
‘My colour preference for the writing. Unless…’ She looked from me to Mam and shook her head. ‘You’ve already made your decision without me, haven’t you? Cheers for that.’
‘You’ve shown no interest in the business so far,’ Mam said, her voice gentle, ‘so I don’t think it’s fair to get snippy with us for choosing a colour without you.’
‘What did you go for?’
‘We both went for red,’ I said. ‘Lindon preferred red too.’
‘So your logo designer got a vote but you never thought to ask me?’
‘Like your nanna said, you haven’t shown any interest before and—’
The scraping of her chair across the tiles stopped me mid-sentence and, with a heavy sigh, she strode across the kitchen.
‘Stop right there!’
The volume of Mam’s command even shocked me and Maddie turned to face her, eyes wide.
‘You cannot storm off in a mood because you weren’t asked for your opinion on something you’ve shown no interest in,’ Mam said, her voice strong and firm.
‘Honestly, Maddie, I don’t understand what’s going on with you.
You seem to be angry about so many things but you’re not consistent with it so it’s like treading on eggshells around you.
I’m exhausted after only a few days so your poor mam must be on her knees. ’
Maddie’s glare shot to me, as though challenging me to tell my mam it wasn’t that bad. But it was. Worse, in fact.
‘I’m not sure how much more I can cope with,’ I admitted. ‘I don’t want us to be fighting all the time. I want things between us to be how they used to be but that feels impossible when you won’t talk to me.’
‘There’s nothing to talk about.’
I rose from my chair and took a step closer to her. ‘There must be. Please, Maddie. If you just talk to me, I’m sure we can find a way of making this work for all of us.’
Her eyes were glistening with tears and I thought she might break but she blinked and straightened up.
‘Stop trying to solve everything. You’re not my therapist. And I should have known you two would gang up on me.’
‘Nobody’s ganging up on you,’ I said. ‘We’re worried about you.’
‘If I’m that much of a worry, I’ll leave.’
‘Maddie!’ I cried. ‘Stop overreacting. Nobody is asking you to leave. When I thought you’d run off yesterday, I felt sick with panic.
I love you so much and I want you here with me but I want you to enjoy being here.
That means being part of the family and embracing this beautiful place we’re living in instead of locking yourself away in your bedroom. ’
She took a few steps closer to me and I thought she was going to hug me and say she was sorry, but she strode past me, muttering that she was going to see to the guinea pigs.
I sank back down onto my chair, my stomach churning.
‘I’m sorry,’ Mam said, sitting down beside me. ‘I shouldn’t have interfered.’
‘You were right to say what you did. She might not have wanted to hear it but she needed to. As for whether it’ll have any impact…’ I shrugged and sighed heavily.
I was so grateful for Mam’s support because she was right – I was on my knees and I needed the support.