Chapter 18 #2
Celia and Landon went into the kitchen, leaving Ivy time to tiptoe into the darkness of the living room and wake up her son.
Feeling strange, she sat at the edge of the sofa with her hands on her knees and listened to her son’s soft snores and her sister and Landon’s conversation in the kitchen.
Celia explained to Landon that Ivy had had “one of the worst days ever.” Celia told Landon she couldn’t tell him, that it was private. Landon said he understood.
Gently, Ivy put her hand on Tyler’s knee. He started, his eyes opening to see her. And then he let his head fall on the pillow and said in a cracking voice, “You found me.”
She realized he’d pulled this stunt because he wanted to get her attention.
Tyler pulled himself upright and rubbed his eyes. He smelled vaguely of beer and french fries. Ivy wished she had rehearsed how to talk to him in the car with Celia. She wished she’d been gifted with the ability to talk to teenagers. But did anyone have that?
* * *
A half-hour later, Ivy and Tyler were seated at the kitchen table of the house they shared without anyone else.
Tyler sipped chamomile tea and tugged at the zipper of his hoodie.
Ivy had already told him that they could have this conversation now or tomorrow, after school.
But he’d told her he had no plans to go to school tomorrow.
He needed a mental health day. She’d agreed to call in for him and to stay home, watching movies and eating grilled cheese sandwiches. She couldn’t wait.
But now that it was one in the morning, hours after Tyler’s so-called disappearance, Ivy needed to tell him what was on her mind. She wanted to address some of the things she’d planned on saying tonight at the Mexican restaurant. If only she’d made it.
“I want to tell you I heard what you said before Christmas,” she said, opening a bag of chips and a can of salsa so that they could snack.
“When you told me that Lily’s done enough for me? For us? I heard you, and I understood. I’m grateful for your honesty, as much as it pained me to hear it.”
Tyler nodded and chewed the edge of a chip, looking grateful for sustenance.
He’d told her that he’d spent nearly half an hour at the Mexican restaurant before running off to meet one of his not-so-good friends.
One of the ones who’d helped him get in trouble in October.
She hadn’t been able to get angry about that, either.
“I know that I haven’t always been the most available mother over the years,” Ivy said.
“I’ve worn the fact of my widowhood like a badge of honor, I think.
I’ve looked at myself and thought, everything is so much harder for me because I stayed behind in Bluebell Cove.
After all, my husband died. After all, I have to raise my kids alone.
But feeling sorry for myself has done nothing but create boundaries between the people I love.
I should have been able to show you what it means to keep going after loss.
I should have pushed you and Lily to go after your dreams, rather than suggesting that a life in Bluebell Cove is all you’ll ever want, rather than suggesting that you should stay here, regardless of what’s in your heart.
“When your father died, it felt like yet another reminder of how unstable life is,” she said, her voice catching. She took a chip and dunked it into the salsa, grateful to have something to do with her hands. The salsa was tangy, juicy, and divine.
“To tell you the truth, your father and I didn’t always have the happiest of marriages. I loved him, and he loved me. I don’t want you to think anything else. But sometimes I felt sure that he wanted another life with someone else.”
“With who?” Tyler asked, frowning. These were still more details about a man he’d never really known.
“Nobody in particular,” she lied. “I was a little bit insecure. To put it lightly.”
Tyler laughed nervously. His dark hair flipped over his ears.
“Your father had dreams, too,” she said.
“Right. He was going to college,” Tyler remembered.
“He was. And I opened my flower shop, because that was my dream,” Ivy went on. “It’s still my dream. To keep it going. To help it flourish.” There were tears in her eyes that she refused to let fall. “What about you, honey? What are your dreams?”
Outside, snow had begun to stream down in a single sheet. It filled the windowpanes and brought a stillness to the air. Tyler crunched another chip, then laughed at how loud it sounded against everything else.
And then he told her, “I don’t know what I want.”
Ivy smiled. It was exactly how she’d been when she was his age. It was yet another way she felt they were in tune with one another.
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to figure that out,” he said.
“I want to go to college. Maybe I want to go to the same one Lily’s at, just so we can hang out sometimes.
I mean, not that I want to mess up her social life or whatever.
But things have been weird since she’s been gone.
I think my friends are lame compared to her. And you…”
“I’ve been distant,” she said. “I know.”
Tyler crossed his arms over his chest. He suddenly looked older than his seventeen years. “Lily still calls me every day to check in,” he said. “She always wants to know if you’re doing okay. She always wants to make sure you aren’t spending too much time alone.”
Ivy’s heart felt tugged. She didn’t know what to say.
“She’s too worried about you, I think. It’s her habit,” Tyler said, his eyes welling with tears.
“But to be honest with you, I’m worried about you, too.
I don’t want you to be alone when I go to college.
I don’t want your flower shop to fail, just because you don’t know how to ask for help.
” He hiccuped, then smacked his hands over his mouth, embarrassed.
Ivy reached across the table and touched his elbow. “Honey, I hear you. I hear you,” she stammered. “To tell you the truth, I’ve been distant this month because I’m falling in love with someone.”
Tyler’s eyes glinted. Slowly, he let his hands drop to the table.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen next,” Ivy confessed, surprised at what it felt like to share this news with her son.
“I’m scared out of my mind, to tell you the truth.
But I want it more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time.
Today, something happened with that man.
Something that knocked me out of my head for a little while.
That’s why I lost track of time and missed our dinner.
It’s no excuse, but it’s what happened.”
Tyler stood, walked over to Ivy, and threw his arms around her.
He was full-on sobbing now, as though the alcohol and the exhaustion had finally caught up with him.
And then he said, “All we ever wanted was for you to find a way to move on from everything that happened. We never knew how to help you. We never knew.”
Ivy tried and failed to calm Tyler down.
Pretty soon, they were both crying. By the time he did go upstairs and fall asleep, it was nearly three in the morning, and Ivy felt as though she could sleep for a hundred years.
It wasn’t till she had her head on her pillow that she realized she’d never found her cell phone.
It felt more peaceful not to have it, she thought.
She was alone with her thoughts and her love for her children, her sisters, her foolish father, her long-dead husband, and the new man she hoped would continue to grow in love with her.
“Please,” she whispered to the darkness. “Let me figure out how to love him back.”