Chapter 41 #2
He was so tiny I was scared to touch him, other than where his fingers were clenched around mine. There were little doors on the side of the isolette that you could flick open to reach in, but first Bryce had hit a button that would keep most of that warm air and humidity inside like a vacuum.
I watched carefully as Bryce explained what to do. I couldn’t believe how small the diaper he handed me was. Smaller than two of my fingers side by side.
“There’s one size smaller than that, if you can believe it,” he told me with a grin.
I shook my head. “That’s crazy.”
“Before we change him, can you hold him up so that I can change the sheet he’s laying on?” He was giving me a chance to hold my boy, in a way.
I slowly reached my hands in and placed them side by side, cupped together like I was going to scoop water out of a sink.
He placed Collin into my palms. He fit so snuggly.
I could have held him in the palm of one hand with room to spare.
But right now, I was holding him, even if only a few inches in the air for a few seconds.
“He’s doing great for now,” Bryce told me. “We’ll keep a close eye on him, don’t worry.”
I fell quiet again as Bryce walked me through how to change my son’s first diaper.
* * *
That night was an exercise in stoicism and powerlessness.
The nurse practitioner warned me about what to expect tonight and over the next couple of days.
The nurses answered all of my questions with patience and ease.
I even got to talk to one of the NICU doctors and he went over it all again.
No one was upset about having to repeat themselves while I tried to absorb everything they were telling me.
“We’re going to be chasing his condition tonight, and maybe for the next week or so.
It really just depends on him,” Dr. Hap said.
His name was a short version of his last name but it was what he said he preferred to go by.
He explained that by ‘chasing his condition’ it meant that unexpected things would pop up and they’d have to jump on it and help as the emergencies happened.
And they would happen. “His heart rate and his breathing are going to be constantly dropping and dipping because of his size. We’ll be monitoring Collin closely and adjusting everything as needed. ”
I was grateful to them. They were keeping my son alive, allowing him to have the time he needed to grow stronger.
But damn was it hard to just sit there when I couldn’t help.
They let me be a part of his care time that night and into the next morning, and I jumped at the chance to change every diaper. I didn’t bother to try to sleep.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I hit a contact. “Hey. How’s she doing?” I asked as Hope answered. Dev’s mom sounded tired, but not worried.
“She had a good night. The meds had her knocked out for most of it. She isn’t awake yet.”
“Okay, good. She just needs to sleep.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll come over in a couple hours to check in on you both. You need anything?”
“I’m good, Sweetie, but thanks. How about you?”
“I’m alright. Collin’s doing…” I glanced up as the alarms started blaring.
It had happened so much all night I had to look at the monitor to know whether they were actually going off or if I was imagining them.
“He’s doing good,” I told her as the morning nurse who’d taken over for Bryce came into the room to check on him.
“I’ll gotta go, but I’ll see you in a bit. ”
“Okay, see you soon, Bolo.”
Just like the day he was born, there was nothing I could do but watch as the nurses cared for Collin.
But at least I was here. That had to count for something.
The nurses told me that it did. That babies always seemed to do better when their parents were actively involved in their care time.
But, if nothing else, I’d be here in case things turned bad. I just hoped like hell they wouldn’t.
I took every opportunity I could to hold his hand and hold his body. Body hugs, or hand hugs, were what they called it, laying your hand over his body. He was so small that I could cover his whole torso with my palm.
In between those times I did my best to keep the dark thoughts at bay.
The thoughts that tried to creep in and tell you all the things that could happen.
They served no purpose. They couldn’t be used for any contingency planning, or any preparations.
They only existed to upset and to remind you that evil lurks in the shadows, including the shadows of your own mind.
In moments like this, when you were most vulnerable, those thoughts tried to surface and take over.
I checked on Devyn, though she was sleeping again by the time I got over there to see her.
But just getting to kiss her head and hear her breathing helped.
Hope gave me a hug, then I rushed back to be by Collin’s side, afraid to be away from him for more than a few minutes.
I spoke to my parents and Relay on the phone.
Though honestly I didn’t remember a lot of it.
I was just repeating what the doctors and nurses had told me, giving them information about Collin and Devyn. Then I’d be alone again.
Watching your son’s heart rate and oxygen crash for the tenth time in an hour, or the hundredth time, losing count because the alarm seems to be permanently going off…sometimes I lost ground to those dark thoughts. It was hard to remember that the nurse had warned me that this was going to happen.
But the thoughts didn't win. They didn’t get to win because my son was stronger than that.
Because the doctors and nurses were fighting day and night for him.
Because I refused to leave his side and despite only being days old now.
Each time I did care he grabbed a hold of me with strength and love.
He was a warrior. A fighter and he wasn’t giving up.
So neither would I. And those fucking negative thoughts were only a form of giving up, so I shoved them deep and took comfort in the fact that he was fighting so hard.
“He’s feisty,” Bryce said the next night with a smile.
The time had passed so quickly it didn’t even seem like enough had gone by for him to be back on shift again, but here he was. And here I was. This was where I was going to stay until my son was ready to come home with me and Devyn.
* * *
“How you holding up?” Relay asked.
I blinked, unsure how to answer his question. I’d barely slept in… How many days had it been? Three? Maybe.
My parents had visited yesterday. Or maybe it was this morning.
I wasn’t sure anymore. Once Collin was more stable, and his alarms weren’t crashing out as often, then I’d feel more comfortable with sleeping.
With going to grab an actual hot meal at the cafeteria instead of just grabbing a sandwich, eating it outside the NICU hallway, then going back to my son.
My eyes stayed fixed on the isolette that my son was in.
He’d been fairly stable this morning. It was a relief, but the morning nurse—Brenna?
Brie? Briana? I couldn’t quite remember—had warned me that we were in the ‘honeymoon’ phase post birth.
The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours is where things could get touch and go.
I wasn’t sure what she meant by honeymoon, because this morning was the first time those alarms had been fairly quiet. Which meant I wasn’t looking forward to what was coming next.
“This is unlike anything I’ve done or felt before,” I told him.
He didn’t respond, he knew to just wait for me to continue.
“There’s nothing I can do. Nothing. There’s no enemy to fight here, no Collective or other assholes to blame.
It’s just…medical stuff. Literally everything is out of my hands…
out of my control. I fucking hate that. I’d rather tear something apart and get it over with than have to watch as he fights his own battles. I would do it for him.
“And Devyn has her own troubles. I can’t be in two places at once. Not that I could do anything there either.” Her body was healing from the pre-eclampsia, but she was retaining water and some of her internal organs were struggling.
“She has her parents and her sisters to watch over her.” Relay offered. “And you’ve got me.”
“I know, but it’s not the same. I know that right here, with him, is where I need to be.
Where she asked me to be, but it doesn’t make it any better.
” I rubbed my hand over my head. “Fuck. Combat is so much easier.” I looked at him.
“You know, for all the times I’ve been shot at, I’ve never really been scared.
Sure, I duck and cover and my heartrate goes up.
The occasional tremor in my hands, but it’s nothing like this.
This is something else entirely. This is complete powerlessness.
” I exhaled slowly. “For the first time in my life I understand terror.”
I knew I could be vulnerable with him. Not just because he was my brother, but because of everything he’d been through. If anyone was going to come close to understanding how I felt, it was him.
Relay put his hand on my shoulder. “He’s your son. He’s got your strength, and he’s clearly a fighter. Have faith in the little guy. He’s made it this far, he’s going to surprise you with how much fight he has in him.”
I nodded. He was right. Collin had come out swinging and he wasn’t giving up.
“When was the last time you slept?” Relay asked.
“I…uh, I stopped trying after the first night. The dreams…” Dreams?
I couldn’t really describe them like that.
They were mainly just nightmares. Every one of them was the same.
A nurse woke me and said ‘sorry’ and then I looked at the isolette and it was empty.
No, I couldn’t take that anymore. So I’d resorted to coffee and pacing a lot.
I didn’t have to say it out loud. If anyone were to understand without explanation, it was Relay. He placed a hand on my shoulder and nodded to the recliner. “Grab a quick nap before your old lady comes over. I’ll take watch.” He stepped over to Collin and stood where he could see under the cover.
And he would stay there, for as long as I needed.
I sat in the recliner, this godawful straight-from-the-eighties cushionless recliner that would likely set my ass and back out of alignment, and shut my eyes.
I was out like a light. And this time the dreams…
were actual dreams. Just the three of us.
My old lady and my boy. It was the best sleep I’d had in my life.
* * *
I awoke to a gentle shake from Relay. “Dev’s on her way.”
I stood up just in time to see a nurse wheeling Devyn in on a wheelchair. “Hey,” I said, smiling at her. She looked exhausted, but she was smiling through tears.
“I wanted to see you, and meet our son.”
“I’ll be back later,” Relay said, squeezing my shoulder before he let go. He stopped next to Dev and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. “Congrats, Mama.”
We watched as he walked out and then I moved forward to help Devyn stand up. Pulling her into a gentle hug, I took a moment to breathe deep and somehow center myself.
“How’s he doing?”
“Good,” I told her. I didn’t mention all the stuff the doctors had said. There would be time to explain all that later. I wasn’t about to do it when she was going to meet her son for the first time.
“Oh, just in time,” Brenna, Brie, Briana said as she came into the room. “Want to help with Collin’s care time, Mom?”
“Yes, please,” she said, her voice a little husky.
The nurse—cause hell if I could remember which of the three names was hers—lifted the cover and I heard Dev suck in a breath.
“He’s so…”
“Tiny,” I said in agreement. “But he’s strong.”
“And feisty!” the nurse said with a grin. “He keeps pulling out his feeding tube. He’s mischievous."
“And he shoves us away when he wants us to leave him alone,” I added.
“Really?” Dev asked, laughing softly as she blinked back tears.
We showed her how to open up the isolette and I watched as Collin grabbed onto her finger with all his strength. She met my eyes and we both gave each other amazed looks. This was our baby. And he was incredible.
Remember when I told you the best day, the very best day was coming? It was today. Right now. The three of us together. My family, safe and healthy.