Chapter 17 Evera #2
I shook my head, exhaustion slackening my shoulders. “What do you mean?”
“If my kind is the spawn of greed, if my monster is a reflection of my own darkness, and my strength only a crutch for my inadequacies, then there is no reason you would belong to me. You could have anyone, bear a child with anyone, as you said. If anything, it is I who belongs to you.”
I was too tired to grasp the depth of his statement, my mind too heavy. I let out a breath, and Neirin came around the side of the table to stand beside me.
Caging me with his right arm on the table, he lowered his gaze to meet mine.
“I’ve never desired a woman before you, only sought them out for their attention because, gods, I felt lacking.
But with you …” His tone grew heady, and though he didn’t lean in or push himself on me, his presence enveloped the space between us. “My body burns for you, Evera.”
Who had given him my name? His last statement simultaneously sent a coiling warmth to my center and a trickling unease down my spine.
“You were meant to be something I chose for myself.” My voice cracked. “The carver, he—” I was rambling again, but I was beyond caring. “Obscurity … that is what I wanted with you. Not this.”
The bell on the shop door rang, but Neirin held my gaze.
“You have to go,” I said, forcing my voice to be firm.
A muscle twitched at his jaw.
“Neirin, you have to go. I want you to go.” My voice caught, betraying my emotion. Another moment under this weight, and I would be unable to breathe. I could not handle Aureus discovering this, not now.
Finding my strength, I gathered Neirin’s basket and shoved it into his arms. I thought to make a comment on his trespassing, but my desire for him to leave before Aureus caught us together was greater than my irritation at his intrusion.
Above his dark brows, Neirin’s hair was a tousle of thick and glorious silver waves that looked significantly better than it had the last time I saw him.
I stared a moment too long, the desire to run my fingers through it nearly winning over.
I stood on my tiptoes, even as I knew better than to offer any sign of affection that might lead him on, and drew his hood up, using it as an excuse to experience the brief brush of his silken hair.
My heart leapt. When I dropped my hands and took a step back, neither of us broke the lock of our gazes.
The bell rang again, and my brother’s voice came from the front of the shop as he greeted a customer. I let out a shaky breath.
“Go,” I told Neirin. “Through the back door.”
“Can I see you again?”
I shook my head, words eluding me. Was I doing as my brother always claimed I did—leaning into stubbornness when things became heavy?
Was I pushing Neirin away to salvage my already-limited independence or for some other reason I could not yet articulate?
Bitterness burned at my throat. Was there no situation where I could avoid marriage?
Whether it be to the guard or the shoemaker.
Gritting my teeth, I found my resolve. Right now, I need to be alone.
And then … I wasn’t sure. If I had any sense at all, I would keep away from the wanted criminal, surely.
Even if he made my stomach flip. Even if he sparked at my candor and met my energy in a way so few did.
And he hadn’t corrected me that night, hadn’t forced me to “my place” when I followed him into the corridor.
Instead of taking my dagger, he had shown me the proper way to hold it.
Without responding further, I urged him down the steps. He didn’t resist me, though I suspected he could if he wanted to. The man was strong. The firm muscles of his arms flexed as I coaxed him toward the door.
The bell chimed again, announcing the customer’s departure, and I looked over my shoulder to the curtain, anxious.
In the doorway before me, Neirin froze, hesitating.
I turned back to him and nudged him, forcing him across the threshold.
He opened his mouth as if to say something, then shut it again.
Footsteps across the wood flooring neared the curtain, and I cursed under my breath. Rather unceremoniously, I closed the back door in Neirin’s face and spun as Aureus entered the room.
“Evera.”
I realized I hadn’t rewrapped my wrist. Dammit. I crossed my arms behind my back. Leighis still sat in the study, dazed, and somewhere on the table, my dagger was lying amid the papers. It took a conscious effort not to glance in that direction.
The corners of Aureus’s lips turned down, and his brows creased. “Are you just now getting back?”
I was horrid at lying, and my brother had an uncanny way of picking me apart, so I simply nodded.
“Ruairc came by earlier. He told me he left you some time ago.”
Right … I was supposed to be out walking with Ruairc, courting.
“I told you, Aureus, I have no intentions of marrying.” The words came out sharper than I anticipated.
Now wasn’t the time to start a fight, not when my emotions were high and my arm was unwrapped, hidden behind my back.
It was a mute statement anyway. There was no situation in which my fate could be drawn by my own hand.
As he always did, Aureus fed off my energy. It reflected in his tone. “You don’t have a choice.”
Our gazes held, both of us bristling. I was too angry to respond, too exhausted and emotionally drained by everything that had transpired with Neirin and Leighis. Of course my, brother would come in, forcing conversation about Ruairc and marriage at this time.
My body trembled. It was all too much. Aureus’s expression softened, and he stepped toward me, but I retreated, my back hitting the door. Emotion quivering my lips, I shook my head.
“Evera, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—” Aureus ran a hand through his beard. “You need time to think on all of this. I’ve pushed it on you too quickly.”
I turned my head aside. I wanted him to leave, needed space to breathe. My lungs constricted.
“Please understand, I am only doing what I feel is best for you.”
What is best for me?
When I didn’t reply, my brother sighed. A moment later, his steps and the swoosh of the curtain announced his departure. The breath I released eased the aching in my lungs.
I slid to the floor, fighting tears. Leighis knew now, so it was only a matter of time before Aureus discovered my secret. Neirin, too, understood our connection now to an extent. And then there was Ruairc to consider.
If Aureus discovered the bond, my choice would be made for me. Marry the shoemaker or marry the outlaw. Leighis had raised us with a respect for lore and the histories of our people, our world, even as such concepts had seemed more like fairy tales than anything else. They seemed real enough now.
Though if Aureus learned of Neirin’s involvement in the death of the King … Magical bonds or not, my brother would sooner marry me to a nameless merchant than to a criminal.
Perhaps the simplest solution was to give in to the stereotypes, disclaim myself from my family, and accept the title of a witch. Live my days out in the woods. The idea was absurd, selfish, the musings of a sleep-deprived and overwhelmed mind.
I ran my thumb over the design on my wrist, and Neirin’s words replayed in my mind. If anything, it is I who belongs to you. Something little leapt in my chest, and I drew my wrist to my body, holding it against my heart.