Chapter 16 #2
I find him afterward, weaving through the crowd until I reach him. Chance is glued to his side, like always now. “Congrats, man,” I say, pulling Anthony into a hug.
“Thanks,” he breathes, still looking a little dazed. Chance grins at me from behind Anthony, pride written all over his face. They share a kiss that quickly becomes heated.
Jesus. They’re damn near making out, hands tangled in hair, acting like the rest of the room doesn’t exist. I step back. Not because it bothers me. God, no. It’s the opposite, hitting me in the gut so hard it almost knocks the air out of me.
Because they get to do that. Out in the open. Without hesitation. Without fear. Just pure want.
One-hundred-percent pure love.
“I’m gonna grab another drink,” I mutter, already stepping away. I don’t wait for a response, because suddenly I need…
I push through the crowd, scanning faces until I find what I’m looking for. Broad shoulders. Strong, tapered back. Thighs wrapped in a perfectly fitted tux.
Spence.
He’s talking to two guys, both incredibly good-looking. Polished. Comfortable in themselves. A couple, I realize, just in time to temper my jealousy. The dark-haired one has his arm wrapped around the blond’s waist, holding him close like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
God, I think, I don’t know how much more I can take tonight. Everywhere I look are men like me. Except they’re living out loud. Touching. Smiling. Existing without looking over their shoulder. Another thought reaches into my chest, grabs a fistful of my heart, and squeezes.
I want that.
I step in beside Spence, close enough that our arms almost brush.
He turns, and the look he gives me is softer.
Not the sharp-edged irritation from earlier.
“Ryan,” he says. “This is Representative Sterling and his husband, Colin. We’re going to be working on some city initiatives for the youth center. ”
I straighten instinctually, slipping into that practiced, polished version of myself. The one everyone expects. “Nice to meet you,” I say, offering my hand. “I’m—”
“Ryan Buterbaugh,” Rep. Sterling cuts in, already reaching for it. “You need no introduction. We’re both big fans.”
I catch Spence rolling his eyes out of the corner of my vision. Colin shakes my hand next, smiling. “We can’t wait for next season. It’s great to meet you.”
“Appreciate that,” I say, easy.
Spence mutters something under his breath I don’t quite catch. Sterling glances at his watch. “I wish we had more time, gentlemen, but we need to head out. Early flight.”
Spence nods, shifting back into business mode. “We’ll connect when you return.” They shake hands again.
“This is going to be great for the kids,” Sterling says warmly. “Thanks for everything, Spencer.”
The Representative and his husband leave together arm in arm. And yeah, that ache in my chest? It’s worse now. I exhale slowly, turning toward Spence, but before I can say anything, a voice cuts through the chatter in the room.
“Butters!”
I look up to see Jason barreling toward me, a mountain of a man trailing behind him.
It’s a man I’ve met only a couple of times.
Once when he drove our whole crew to a night club opening, and once when he was posted outside Chance’s apartment door when I went to hang with Anthony.
I didn’t ask a lot of questions, but I think he’s Chance’s—muscle? Bodyguard?
I’ve gotten bits and pieces of Chance’s story, but I still don’t know all the sordid details of what happened when he disappeared. Or the world he comes from. Anthony just told me it’s the kind of organization you don’t ask questions about.
I was worried about Anthony when Chance first came back, but we had a good bro sesh and he assured me that Chance did what he did to protect him. I can’t explain it, but when I see them together now, I don’t worry about Anthony anymore. The only thing I see when I look at them is love.
Jason strides up and pulls me into a hug. “What’s up, Ciccone?” I laugh, clapping his back.
“I guess we’re doing this, huh?” he says.
“I’m ready,” I say, grinning. I’ve wanted Anthony as my agent for years.”
“He’s the best,” Jason nods.
Spence clears his throat beside me. “Oh—shit, sorry,” I say quickly, realizing they haven’t formally met yet. “Jason, this is Spence. He’s heading up the THRIVE Foundation as well as overseeing the youth center.”
Spence offers his hand. “Spencer Stark.”
“Jason Ciccone. I just play baseball.”
Spence arches a brow, a hint of a smirk. “Just play baseball?”
Jason shakes his head. “What you’re about to do?
That’s the bigger deal.” Then he touches Spence’s bicep through his tux jacket.
I don’t think I like Jason Ciccone anymore.
“I’ve actually been working with Anthony on a coming out plan,” he continues.
“I look forward to helping raise awareness for THRIVE once I do.”
Spence’s eyes light up and it might as well be a dagger to my heart. That should be me. I should be the one making his eyes sparkle with excitement over my coming out. I shift my weight, suddenly uncomfortable and full of self-loathing.
Jason glances behind. “You guys know Deacon?”
Deacon, who’s been scanning the room like a human security system, turns his gaze to us and offers a flat, minimal smile. “I do,” I say. “Good to see you, man. This is Spence—”
“I know who all of you are,” Deacon cuts in. It’s not rude. Just factual. I glance between them and notice Jason looking at Deacon. It’s not casual. It’s hungry. Deacon notices. His whole posture shifts, tension creeping into his shoulders, heat crawling up his neck.
Jason grins. “Deacon here is my number one fan.”
Deacon shifts. “I just barely met you tonight.”
“Yeah, but it only took five seconds for you to tell me you’re a fan.” Deacon doesn’t remove his focus from scanning the room, but I see him swallow slightly. Jason punches his arm. “Come on, stud. Buy me a drink and maybe I’ll show you all the lace and straps hiding under this tux.”
Spence’s eyes widen, and something in me threatens to snap. The room feels smaller. Hotter. Too loud. Too much. Everywhere I look are examples of what I want but can’t have.
Correction: What I won’t let myself have.
I tug at my bowtie, suddenly suffocating. “Can we leave, Spence?” My voice comes out rough. Too tight.
He turns quickly, concern flashing across his face. “What?”
“I really need to get out of here, Perfect.” Spence doesn’t question it.
Just nods, grabbing my arm and steering me through the crowd.
His grip is firm and grounding, and he doesn’t let go until we’re outside.
The night air hits my face, cool and sharp, and I suck in a breath like I’ve been holding it underwater.
When he releases me, I yank my bowtie off, shoving it into my pocket, pulling my phone out to text my driver.
“You good?” he asks, as we wait.
I nod as I drag in another long breath. “Yeah. Just, um, got a little claustrophobic.” Spence narrows his eyes, not believing me for a second.
Before he can push, the headlights of the limo sweep the curb.
He moves swiftly, stepping forward, opening the door.
I just look at him for a second, a mountain of emotions sitting on my chest.
He gestures. “Get in the car, Ryan.” I obey and he follows in after me. The door shuts and the limo pulls away. The silence that follows—It’s loud. Thick. Feels like it stretches for hours, even though it’s probably two minutes, tops.
Spence finally breaks it. “Ryan, I—”
“Did you mean what you said?” I blurt, the words tumbling out in a frenzy. “About fucking me?” He freezes. His eyes close and his jaw clenches, hard enough I can see it. The car slows, pulling up to the curb outside his building.
Spence opens his eyes and shakes his head. “No. I’m sorry. I took it too far. It’s just—”
“Just what?” I push.
He exhales. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“Clearly it’s not,” I say, shifting toward him. “Let’s go upstairs and—”
“There’s nothing to discuss.” His tone sharpens. Final. “Go home, Ryan. I’ll see you at the gym.” He reaches for the door handle, then pauses. “And” he adds, quieter. “We should probably keep things to that. To the gym. Strictly. Tonight was a mistake.”
That. Fucking. Stings.
Spence’s piercing words feel like a floor giving out beneath me. He opens the door, steps out, and shuts it firmly behind him. I sit there, staring as he jogs up to the entrance without looking back.
My eyes prickle, and I feel… empty.
I stare forward, swallowing hard before tapping on the partition. The driver lowers it and looks at me in the rearview.
“Take me home,” I say quietly.