Chapter 24 #3
I had to hassle him into only doing the bare necessities so he could sleep.
He insisted on finding a big dry stick to use as a torch, building a small woodpile for the fire, and showing me how to use his pistol, but then he collapsed into the bedroll and immediately passed out.
I settled myself next to his head, holding my hands out to our crackling fire with his gun in my lap.
The woods were quiet and still. Cinnamon had started dozing almost as soon as we’d dismounted.
I hoped we’d be able to give her enough rest tonight.
My thoughts drifted back to the Vault as I stared at the fire, full of bittersweet wishes and wants that I knew better than to have. It took me a while to name the emotion clogging my throat. I was homesick.
That realization hurt like a physical blow.
I hadn’t had a home in twelve years, partly due to living with a roaming bike gang, but even if the Reapers had stayed in one place, it never would have felt like home.
Not like the Vault. The Vault felt like home because of the people I’d left behind. People I’d probably never see again.
I let myself cry for a little while, but I didn’t want to wake Trey, so after a few minutes I wiped my face and tried to stop. The shame for wanting Trey enough to let him come with me rose, reminding me of its existence.
How would I get the Shadow’s attention? I needed him to see me, to know I was no longer at the Vault, but I couldn’t take a narc, because he’d get in my head and see Trey.
Fear gripped my lungs. Despite my best efforts, he would discover Trey had come with me eventually.
We would be running for the rest of our lives.
Did Trey understand the toll of that kind of life?
I did. I knew exactly how it felt to be constantly looking over my shoulder and suspecting everyone of ill intent.
Would Trey be able to live like that? Gods, would this leave him as broken as me?
The wind blowing in the trees almost sounded like a howl, and it made the hair on my arms stand on end.
I curled my gloved hand around Trey’s gun and stared into the darkness, listening and trying my hardest to stop thinking, but my brain latched on to all my guilt and anxiety and would not let it go.
When Trey woke up a few hours later, I tried to stuff the emotion back down to hide it.
“Hey,” he said, yawning as he sat up, “any trouble?”
“Nope.” I thought I did a passable job of sounding normal, but his eyes snapped to mine.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’.” I tried to smile. “Just tired.”
“Bones, don’t do that. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t do what?” I crossed my arms.
“Don’t shut me out,” he said, his frustration clear.
“I’m not,” I said more curtly than necessary.
He gave me an incredulous look. “Something is clearly wrong, and you’re lying about it.”
“I’m fine!”
“No!” He shoved his feet in his boots. “We’re not doin’ that anymore, remember?”
I gritted my teeth, temper rising. “What, so that means I have to tell you everything?”
He stood, frowning down at me. “No, it means you can be honest with me. You don’t have to carry shit by yourself.”
“Trey.” I tried to sound reassuring. “I really am fine. I can handle stuff on my own, I promise.”
He stepped in front of me and crouched, his eyes glittering with emotion.
“You wanna know how I know that’s a lie?
” He didn’t wait for me to say anything before barreling ahead.
“I know that’s a lie ’cause every single time you’ve had a burnout fever, it’s like you’re a different person.
You don’t try to hide how scared or lonely or hurt you are.
You ask me to stay with you. Even after you refused to talk to me, when you got that burnout fever tryin’ to heal Mist, you were inconsolable askin’ for me until Griz finally came and got me.
And then you clung to me and begged me not to leave.
That’s when I realized those fevers were the only time I saw how you were actually feelin’.
And it killed me to know how much you were hurtin’ inside, but you wouldn’t fuckin’ let me or anyone else help you.
” He paused, searching my face. “I probably could’ve asked you anythin’ when you were feverish and you would’ve been honest with me, but I didn’t.
I want you to tell me shit ’cause you trust me. ”
I remembered that time after the fire in the slums when I asked him if I said shit while delirious, and he lied.
Now I knew why. I wanted to be mad. I was mad, horrified that I’d been vulnerable without even knowing, but that didn’t explain the pain in my chest. I knew he wasn’t lying.
Besides the fact he was a horrible liar, he’d worked so hard for my trust, and no one in my life had ever done that before.
“I don’t—”
“Bones.” Trey grabbed my hands and squeezed them, his voice thick with emotion. “It’s okay to need people. It’s okay.”
My eyes overflowed and he tugged me forward into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“Let people in, darlin’. You gotta let ’em in. There are good people out there. Not perfect, but people who are tryin’ to do the right thing, and they want to help. You don’t have to be strong all the time. You can lean on me.”
“I’m so scared,” I whispered.
“There’s a lot of scary shit out here,” he murmured. “Everyone’s scared. Hell, I’m scared half to death most of the time.”
I scoffed.
“I am.” He squeezed me tighter. “Especially when the woman I love is out jumping into pits to fight fuckin’ giants with a tiny knife.”
I choked on a tearful laugh.
“I know it’s a risk, but gods, Bones, don’t you want to live for something else besides just survivin’?
What’s the point if you’re too scared to experience all the things that make life worth living?
I am scared—fuckin’ terrified—of losing you.
I don’t know how much time we have, but I do know I don’t want to miss a single second of lovin’ you. ”
I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him tight against me. “I’m—” My voice broke. “I’m tryin’. I s-swear.”
“That’s all I’m askin’.”
I sniffled. I hated that this was so hard for me, that I was frustrating him, that I was so fucking damaged and he had to work so hard—
He pulled back to look at me, eyes glowing in the firelight. “This is the part where you tell me what’s goin’ on in your head. What’s scarin’ you?”
Fear clogged my throat, and for a moment we stared at each other as I struggled.
“I…so much of me is…is broken.” My fingers twitched with the urge to touch the brand on my chest.
“Bones—”
“No, Trey, listen,” I interrupted. “You…bein’ with you feels like…like you’re healin’ me. But I’m so scared if I lose you…if somethin’ happens to you—”
“Don’t go down that path.”
“Trey, it’s…I’ve lost everyone I ever cared about. I’m stuck on this fuckin’ path.”
“You’re only stuck if you believe you’re stuck.” He looked so calmly confident.
“It’s not that easy. I can’t just believe things are different and then they magically are.”
“Why not?” he asked. “Maybe if you put good things out into the world, good things will find you.”
We stared at each other for a few breaths before I spoke.
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Bones, you can heal people by touching them. A year ago, if somebody had asked me if I believed that kind of magic existed, I would’ve laughed. Magic exists, so maybe it is that simple.”
“If it’s that simple, then why do good people go through shit?” I demanded.
“I dunno,” he said like it didn’t terrify him to not have answers. “But I don’t think anythin’ bad can come from being a good person.” He waited, but I stayed silent, so after a minute he sighed. “C’mon, you should get some sleep now.”
I pulled off my boots and climbed into the abandoned bedroll, watching him put more wood on the fire.
My thoughts rattled around in my head like rocks.
I didn’t know how to explain to him that he was putting the pieces of me back together, but if I lost him, I would break again.
And I wasn’t sure there’d be anything left of me.