Chapter 29 #2
My breath stalled for a beat, unsure if I should apologize to him for helping Madame torture him. “I’m sorry—”
He held up a hand, stopping me. “You don’t need to apologize. I know you didn’t have a choice.”
I did, though. I’d just made it far too late.
“You’ve been an important figure in the resistance, Bones.”
I had to fight to keep my expression even, nausea swirling.
“You won the people over. You didn’t hesitate to heal the rusters after that fire.
You saved everyone’s life during the sickness, regardless of where they lived.
Jumpin’ in the pit to save Sky was another demonstration of how far you were willing to go to save people Madame saw as lesser.
When Madame had you whipped for it, it was the final big push we needed to turn people to our side.
” He sighed and rubbed his chest where I knew a long pink scar ran up his torso from Madame cutting him open like a dead fish.
“ ’Course I didn’t plan on getting caught by Madame. That threw a wrench in things. I had to rely on the people to riot, which they did after Madame killed Trey.”
My entire body stiffened.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he continued, his voice softening.
“Everybody loved Trey, including myself. He was a good man, a kind man. He was also a member of the resistance. When Madame killed him, it was the spark that lit the fire. Those who were a part of the resistance were compelled to act, and the few people who were still afraid were convinced to join them.”
I swallowed down the urge to puke again. So Trey and I had both been pawns.
“I know this might not be much comfort, but Trey wanted to make this place different. I think his soul will rest in peace knowing he had a hand in it.”
I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming that I didn’t care, that Trey’s life had been far too high a price to pay.
“I’d like for you to stay here, Bones,” Nemo added. “You’re a valuable member of this hold. If you need anything, please let me know.”
I nodded, and that seemed to satisfy him. I knew what it meant to be valuable.
“Alright, I’ll let you go. Thanks for taking the time to see me. Oh, and we found these. Thought you might want them back.”
He pulled out two travel packs from behind his desk. I automatically shrugged mine on, the familiar weight settling on my back, and slung Trey’s over my shoulder.
“Have a good night, Bones,” Nemo said, and when I glanced at him, his smile looked sad.
—
In a daze, I returned to the clinic alone since Mac needed to speak privately to Nemo about something.
I set both packs down on my bed and stared at them for a long moment.
I did not have the strength to go through Trey’s things, so I opened mine instead.
Of course, the little wooden dandelion he’d made for me sat on top.
I struggled to breathe through the pain in my chest as I took it out and set it aside, but the next thing wasn’t much better.
His quilt.
I pulled it out, bundling it close to me and pressing my nose to the soft fabric. It still smelled like him. I clung to it, desperate to breathe him in, knowing the scent would soon fade and then the last little piece of Trey left in the world would be gone.
Hugging the quilt, I curled up on my mattress and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe.
—
Hours later, a soft knock sounded at the door.
“Can I come in?” Mac asked.
I was scrubbing the floor despite it being nearly midnight, trying to lose myself in mindless work. I shrugged and avoided eye contact, knowing mine were still red and swollen. Gods, I hoped he wasn’t staying long.
“You want a drink?”
I looked up, surprised. He had a dark expression on his face, but he held up a bottle of liquor.
“Sure.”
I put my cleaning supplies away while he poured us two glasses.
When I came back over, he handed me one and then downed his in one shot.
I sipped mine. It burned the whole way down and tasted like ass, but I didn’t care.
He poured himself a second glass and then leaned on the table, dropping his head so I couldn’t see his face.
“Fuck,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Doesn’t it piss you off?” he asked darkly, without looking up.
“What?”
“Bein’ used like that? For somebody else’s cause?”
I paused, feeling a tiny flicker of rage come to life in my chest. “I’m always bein’ used for somebody else’s cause.”
He glanced up at that, his eyes stormy with fury and pain and guilt. He downed his second drink, setting it on the table with a hard thud. “Fuck,” he said again.
I downed the rest of it like he had. I had a feeling I would need it.
“I did that,” Mac said. “I used you for my own cause by bringin’ you here.” He brought a hand up and rubbed his eyes hard. “I’m so sorry, Bones.”
I tried to feel something, but even the anger had been snuffed out by the crushing numbness.
“You already apologized,” I said, pouring myself a second drink.
“When?” He dropped his hand down, staring at me with an intensity I wasn’t drunk enough to handle.
I shot back my second drink. “When you were sick.”
He looked wary. “I apologized to you?” When I nodded, he frowned. “I don’t remember doin’ that.”
“You had a real high fever.” I shrugged.
“Did I say anythin’ else?” he asked.
I thought back to that moment, grateful to the alcohol for making this easier. “You apologized and said you couldn’t let Trey d-die.” My voice shook. “I told you I knew you didn’t have a choice.”
He stared at me for a moment longer, then poured himself a third drink and downed it. “Was that it?”
I hesitated a moment and his eyes sharpened.
“What else?”
“You said you saw what it cost me…what Madame made me do. And you wanted to make sure I knew I was a part of your crew,” I said, making a snap decision to not tell him how he’d promised not to let anyone hurt me again.
I wasn’t sure if he’d feel guilty, but I didn’t want to risk it. It wasn’t a promise anybody could keep.
He looked uneasy, and I couldn’t blame him. I remembered when Trey revealed that I’d said things during my burnout fevers that I didn’t remember afterward. Maybe I should have kept that whole conversation to myself.
“Why weren’t you a part of the rebels?” I blurted.
He met my eyes for a moment, looking startled, before turning away. “Madame watched me closer than most people. Plus, I didn’t know who was in charge, and I wasn’t willin’ to jeopardize the safety of my crew on the hope that whoever it was would be a better person than Madame.”
I couldn’t fault him for that.
“After—” His voice broke. “After Trey died, I joined ’cause I knew at the very least I’d be able to get rid of Madame and Vulture.”
The pain that stabbed through me at the mention of Trey’s name took my breath away for a moment. Would that ever go away? Or would it hurt for the rest of my life?
“I didn’t know Vulture had found you or that he was bringin’ you back. Madame kept it quiet,” Mac said. “If I’d known, I would’ve done something. I hope you know that.”
I nodded, hoping he could see the honesty in my face, because I did know that, but knowing it wouldn’t bring back the dead.
We stood in silence for a few moments. Finally, he sighed.
“I better go. Griz is the night guard, so let him know if you need anything.”
I nodded again, pain and grief holding my lungs in a vise. After he left, I went to my bed, wrapped myself in Trey’s quilt, and tried to ignore how the quiet of the clinic slowly crushed me.
—
Time kept moving and I dragged myself forward with it.
Nights were the worst. Griz or Sam usually took night guard duty, but they stayed outside, leaving me alone in the clinic like they thought I wanted privacy.
I was somewhat relieved, because I could let myself cry into Trey’s quilt without worrying about anybody seeing me, but if I was honest with myself, I was so fucking lonely.
As the sun set every day, I simply wanted Trey.
I started doing rounds in the evening like I had during the fever, checking in on injured or sick people.
Anything to get out of the fucking clinic.
I hated how my eyes constantly strayed to the empty place by the door where his mattress had been.
I hated waking up and reaching for someone who wasn’t there.