Chapter 30 #2
Mac let out a heavy sigh and scrubbed his face.
“Trey didn’t know Madame like I did,” he said quietly.
“She was always cruel. She always liked hurtin’ people, and I’ve got the scars to prove it.
I just never told Trey all of it ’cause I thought keepin’ it to myself was all I could do to protect him.
” Pain sharpened in his voice. “And now I can’t help wonderin’ whether, if I’d told him everything from the beginning, maybe he would still be alive. ”
The agony in his voice broke me. I tried to cover my face, but before I could, he pulled me into his arms. I pressed against the hard body armor he wore, and his arms tightened around me, holding me as I sobbed.
He breathed raggedly, and tears dropped into my hair.
I could feel his grief hitting me like a physical force, and gods, he was right.
I hadn’t thought of anyone else. I was so fucking selfish.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered. “You hear me, Bones? It’s not your fault.”
We stood there for a long time. My arms wrapped around his waist at some point, and even though the body armor wasn’t a terribly comfortable thing to be pressed against, I didn’t move.
“You should hate me,” I mumbled, drunk with exhaustion. “Why don’t you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you,” he murmured.
“You did.”
“Yeah, well, I’m an asshole,” he said. “That was never about you, though.”
I scoffed, but I still didn’t move.
“I was angry at myself for fuckin’ up the mission, for letting my crew put everything on the line for me and Trey. I wasn’t sure if Madame would think finding you was worth everything we’d lost.”
The memory of Madame’s knife slicing open his gut flickered across my mind, and I shivered.
“You still cold?” he asked, turning us so the heat of the woodstove warmed my back, without letting me go.
“I was remembering when she cut you open.” With the stove at my back and his chest at my front, a little warmth crept through me.
He shuddered. “Gods, I thought for sure I was gonna die.”
I mulled over his words for a minute, surprised. “Did you think I wouldn’t heal you?”
“Honestly, I still wasn’t fully sure I believed you had powers.” He hesitated. “But yeah, I thought you might let me die for dragging you here.”
I tried to imagine what would have happened if I’d refused. Madame probably would have killed both of us. Would it have been better to die then?
“I don’t think I could’ve stood there and let you die,” I confessed, remembering how his wound had reminded me painfully of Dune’s. There’d been no hesitation in me when I went to heal him, only desperation.
“I’m sorry for all the times I reminded you of Juck.”
I pulled away, looking up at him in horror, and he released me, stuffing his hands back in his pockets. He stared down at me with those flinty grey eyes, something soft and pained in their depths. Something vulnerable that I’d never seen in him before.
“You never reminded me of Juck,” I said, harsher than I’d meant to.
“Didn’t I?” he asked darkly.
“No,” I said, “you didn’t.”
We stared at each other for a long time. He didn’t look convinced, and I tried to piece together a better answer.
“A lot of times I assumed you’d do something like Juck would’ve done,” I finally said, “but you never did.”
“Do you still wish you were with him instead of here?” he asked in a low voice.
Guilt stabbed me as I realized he’d been holding on to the lies I threw at him in anger. “I was lyin’ when I said that,” I admitted with a grimace. “I only said it to hurt you.”
His eyes studied mine, but he didn’t say anything.
“I watched him do so many horrible things.” The words spilled out of my mouth.
“He tortured the people he trafficked. He’d cut their tongues out if they screamed too much, and he’d…
he’d do a lot worse if they really pissed him off.
If I tried to get him to stop, he’d beat me and then make me go weeks without any food.
He branded me after he found out I was sneaking out to see Vulture so I’d never forget I belonged to him.
He was evil.” My voice shook so hard I could barely get the words out, but I wanted him to understand that he was nothing like Juck.
“He…he forced himself on me for the first time when I was fourteen after I tried to run away. He liked hurting people, Mac. You’re nothin’ like him, and—” My voice quavered.
“And I’m sorry I made you think you were. ”
His jaw set, and the rest of him went unnaturally still.
“For the first time?” he repeated in a dangerous voice.
I couldn’t get any more words out, so I simply nodded, clenching my trembling hands at my sides. I dreaded seeing pity on his face, but only fury shone in his eyes.
“I wish he was still alive so I could kill him. Slowly,” he muttered.
Trey had said almost the same thing.
Despite the heaviness, the grief, and the horrible memories crowding my mind, I had to fight the urge to smile.
Gods, maybe I’d truly lost it. I was broken.
The harder I tried to keep a straight face, the more the corner of my lips turned up.
His eyes focused on my mouth, surprise washing away a little bit of the darkness in his eyes.
I finally gave up and let myself grin like a crazy person. “That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”
He blinked, and then an answering grin spread slowly across his face. Gods above, Mac had dimples. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever seen him smile beyond a slight smirk.
“Well, fuck, I better work on that,” he said.
Let ’em in.
“I hate bein’ alone in here,” I confessed.
He looked confused for a second, then understanding flooded his face. “Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”
I frowned. “I’ve been sleepin’.”
He gave me an exasperated look. “At night?”
“Well, no,” I admitted, my face warming.
“Then we’ll make sure you’re not alone in here anymore.”
I blinked at him in surprise.
He hesitated a moment, then added, “You want me to stay tonight? I can get a bedroll and sleep on the floor.”
Another wave of emotion washed over me. “That’d be nice,” I managed to say.
He smiled. “Let me change and grab one. I’ll be right back.” He headed for the door, then paused, turning back to look at me. “Bones?”
I glanced at him. The firelight played across his face and highlighted the golden sparks in his eyes.
“You’re a part of my crew,” he said in that soft voice I rarely heard, “but you’re also my friend. You’re not alone, okay?”
My eyes burned. “Okay.”
He flashed those dimples again. “Be right back.”
After he left, I headed up to the loft to change my clothes.
The relief coursing through my body made me lightheaded.
A few months ago, I would’ve seen that as weakness.
Now I wasn’t sure what I’d call it, but maybe it could be something good.
A little bit of the fog I’d been living in had cleared.
I wouldn’t have to be alone anymore, and maybe tonight I could tell Mac about the Shadow.
I knew I needed to tell them, but I hadn’t been able to think or care past my grief.
—
I’d only reached my dresser when I heard the door open.
I stopped and turned to walk back to the edge of the loft to see if Mac had forgotten something, but I froze mid-step when the light flicked off.
A chill crawled up my spine as I tried to get my eyes to adjust to the dark.
That wasn’t Mac. He wouldn’t shut the light off like that.
I stood in silence, straining my ears, when I heard a whisper of a noise to my left.
I turned, panic flooding me, but someone grabbed me, spinning me around and pinning my back against a tall, wiry body.
A hand clapped over my mouth, muffling my scream.
He wore thick gloves, so when I tried to bite him, I didn’t get any skin.
I tried to kick his knees, ready to fight, but a harsh voice spoke in my ear.
“Don’t make me do this the hard way, Ember. Your time’s up.”
My heart stopped beating. Hearing my real name for the first time in twelve years felt like a painful electric shock, but hearing that voice was worse. Even after all this time, I knew it. I’d been dreading hearing it again since I was ten years old.
“Lights,” someone said from down below, and a few seconds later the lights flickered on.
He spun me around to face him, and I met those green eyes identical to my own. There was no softness, no kindness, no love in my brother’s face, only a burning fury that seared through me.
“Think you ran far enough?” asked Wolf.