8. Myraj
(JUNE) FOUR MONTHS LATER
“Myraj, once I finish with this ultrasound that will complete your examination today,” Dr. Cotton, my reproductive endocrinologist, announced.
“Okay,” I replied nervously.
I had been considering intrauterine insemination for a while.
Last year, I took steps to research what I needed to do to make it happen.
My insurance did not cover the expenses, so I started saving on my own.
Last month, I was satisfied that I had more than enough money to start the process, so I scheduled my first visit for today.
I was excited about starting the process of having a child, my own family.
Symone, who sat on my right, grabbed my hand and gave it a little squeeze as Dr. Cotton applied the gel on my belly.
I turned my gaze toward Symone, and she gave me a tight smile. “Breathe, girl. You’re going to have a baby soon,” she whispered.
“Then why do you look like you’re worried?”
“Girl, I ain’t worried. You know how they say you’re supposed to laugh with your friends, rejoice with them, mourn with them, and cry with them? Girl, this just me being anxious with you—that’s what besties do. Now chill ya ass so we can get on with this.”
I laughed and shook my head at her.
Time seemed to tick by slowly, and it felt like I was on that exam table for an hour, but in reality, it was only a couple of minutes.
I whispered prayers to God, asking Him to help me please be able to conceive.
My journey may not have been natural, but I was getting older, and I desperately wanted a baby.
In high school and college, I was focused on my studies and eventually networking. I knew that I wanted to start my own business, and I knew that would take hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. My sacrifice was marriage and kids.
My business was thriving, my financial portfolio was strong, and my family relationships and friendships were great. The only thing missing in my life was a good man and children. If I couldn’t find a good man, I would definitely give myself the gift of a child.
Dr. Cotton sighed. “First, let me start by saying that it has been a pleasure meeting you. I often anticipate the journey that my patients will embark on; sometimes it will be successful and others not. It is often a road filled with bumps along the way. Unfortunately, our journey together ends here, Ms. Nicholson.”
“I don’t understand.” I looked from Dr. Cotton to Symone, as though my best friend knew the secret that Dr. Cotton was withholding. Her face was scrunched up in more confusion than I was sure mine was. My heart tightened in my chest, and it felt like I’d stopped breathing.
“Second, let me say that congratulations are in order. With all the examinations we performed today, your bloodwork and urine sample led me to do the ultrasound. You’re pregnant, Myraj.”
“Pregnant!” Symone shouted.
“P-p-pregnant? That’s impossible. I can’t be. I haven’t had sex in—”
“Sixteen weeks,” she finished for me.
“I was gonna say four months, but how did you know?”
“That’s how far along you are. Here’s your baby.”
I pushed up on my elbows, and my eyes damn near bulged out of my head when she turned the monitor around for Symone and me to see. My head spun as I took in the details of a fully formed fetus on the screen.
“Here are your baby’s legs and arms. This is your baby’s head. Your baby’s head is turned away from us. This little one is shy.”
My heart thundered loudly in my chest, and I couldn’t hear a word that she was saying. I felt Symone’s squeeze my hand and vaguely heard her squeals of joy. Slowly, my heartbeat slowed down and became less voluminous in my mind and ears.
“Are you okay, Myraj?” Dr. Cotton asked.
“I—I don’t know.”
“This is what you wanted, honey,” Symone declared.
“It is. I’m just, . . . I don’t know. I mean, I’m happy, but I’m stunned.”
“It’s a lot to take in if you had no idea,” Dr. Cotton stated.
“Is my baby healthy? I haven’t been doing anything that would be in his or her best interest. I’ve had a glass of wine at least three times in the last four months.”
“Yes, your baby appears healthy. More tests can be run to confirm that, but all appears well. Would you like to know the baby’s gender?”
Tears popped in my eyes as I realized that my dream was about to come true.
I bobbed my head, unable to formulate words. Symone patted my cheek and kissed the top of my head. “You’re gonna be okay, friend.”
I watched as the wand moved around on the screen until she was positioned just right to declare, “You’re having a little girl.”
At that moment, a torrential rainstorm of tears raced down my face. Dr. Cotton set the transducer aside and grabbed a handful of tissues that she used to wipe my belly free of gel. When she was finished, I sat up, and Symone wrapped her arms around me as I leaned against her chest.
“There. All done. You can get cleaned up and dressed, and I will meet you in my office across the hall when you’re done. Just come on over,” she stated and smiled.
I glanced at Symone who smiled again. She took a seat as I swung my legs over the exam table and climbed off.
I proceeded to wash up, moving as if I were in a dream.
“How are you feeling, Myr-Myr?”
“I don’t know. It’s bittersweet. I have what I want, but—how did I not know, Symone? How could I have been so freaking careless?”
“It’s not your fault, friend. Your cycle has always been unpredictable, and you haven’t had any morning sickness or other signs.”
“I mean, just breast tenderness, but I didn’t think anything about it.”
“Just breathe. We’ll get through this together. Almighty God has a strange way of answering our prayers. Be thankful.”
I smiled tightly at her and replied, “I am.”
My thoughts immediately went to Micaiah, and if I should tell him, how he would react, and if he would want to know. That caused a little tightness in my belly and a headache to come on. It took me a little over five minutes to get cleaned up, dressed, and back in her office.
“Myraj, are you okay, honey?”
“Yes. I’m happy, Dr. Cotton, just so confused, . . . stunned, . . . elated. There are so many emotions running through me right now.”
“I can imagine there are. The pictures that I took are going to be available online. I’ll send a link to you via text.”
“Thank you.”
“What if any indications have you had that something about your body was changing?”
“I haven’t had any symptoms. No weight gain or anything, just breast tenderness as I was telling Symone a while ago.”
“Your cycle is infrequent. In your medical history, I read that your cycle usually skips two or three months before it returns again. That is usually the sign most women use as an indicator that they might be pregnant, but you didn’t have that.
What about any sicknesses, cramping, unusual hunger pains? ”
I shook my head, but then Symone tapped me on the hand. “What about when you were sick last week and the week before that? You thought it was food poisoning because you couldn’t keep anything down. I’d forgotten about that.”
I nodded. “Yeah, me too. Yesterday was the first day that I could keep things down again.”
“Do you have an OBGYN in mind? If not, I can refer you to one.”
“My gynecologist is an OBGYN.” I pressed my hands to my stomach as my head twirled in circles. Excitement also filled me that I was about to bring life into the world and be someone’s mommy. I felt so blessed and yet conflicted because of Micaiah.
I finished listening to the reproductive endocrinologist, got some paperwork, and we left to grab lunch.
“So, is this book conference bae’s baby?”
I looked at Symone, sucked my teeth, and rolled my eyes. “Symone, what do you think?”
“I mean, I was shocked that you had sex with a complete stranger. My best friend who had the coochie on lock for over three decades finally gave it up to some random dick—”
“Great dick. Excellent dick. Mind-boggling dick!” I emphasized, waving a finger at her.
“Baby making dick.”
“Whew! That part. I cannot believe this shit.”
“Exactly. So I’m not putting anything past your fast ass these days. I don’t know if you’ve had another dick or not.” She laughed uproariously at my expense.
“No. Just book conference bae dick. This really isn’t funny, you know?”
“All that time Myron was up in there hooking me up, my bestie was getting hooked up for real. I thought you were hanging with some of the other readers. What does he look like?”
I described Micaiah again, and she frowned. “He sounds familiar, but I don’t know where I might have seen him. Anyway, are you gonna contact him?”
“I have no idea how to get in touch with that man again, and even if I did, would I really want him in my life?”
“The way you talked about him afterward, I think you do.”
“I doooo.” I moaned and whimpered as Symone pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant.
“You have his name. You can look him up on social media.”
“No. It wasn’t meant to be.”
“Girl, it was. God impregnated your fast virgin ass the first time you gave up the coochie. It has to be meant to be. Besides, that man deserves to know he has a kid out here.”
“He’s already got one.”
“Well now he has two. We need to look him up.”
“Right now, I need time to wrap my head around it. Other than that, I have another book conference planned in a couple of weeks. After that, I’ll contact him. I need to have fun one final time before I let that man break my heart.”
“What do you mean break your heart?”
“He’s not going to want to be a part of this.”
“You don’t know that. You haven’t even given him a chance.”
“Yeah? Well, that’s just the way my life’s set up.”
“I thought you said he didn’t want to let go and wanted to keep in touch.”
“He did.”
“Then I don’t see the problem.”
“I’m scared, Mone.”
“Of what, friend?”
“What if he disappoints me? What if he’s not all I made him out to be in my head? What if the reality of him is a let-down and far more substandard than the dream of him that weekend? What if he was putting on airs, and he’s not this great guy after all?”
“And what if he’s all that you experienced and so much more?
You haven’t given him a chance. Damn, girl, you’re doing it again.
Give the man a chance to prove or disprove your theories.
Don’t be that random hard to like FMC from the books that nobody cares for.
Be that chill girl, the loving girl who rides hard for her man—the one the readers root for. ”
I side-eyed the hell out of her. “I know that I call him book bae, bestie, but this ain’t no romance, and I’m not an FMC. This is my real life, girl.”
“Mhm. So, you say.”
I sighed and gave up on the conversation as we headed into the restaurant.
I’d been wanting a baby forever, but now I wasn’t so sure about the circumstances.
I was ecstatic about my baby girl, but my heart was so torn.
I thought about the list of names I had created if I did get pregnant and she was a girl.
Suddenly, they didn’t seem good enough for her.
I thought about all the shopping I would do and transforming the second bedroom in my brownstone from an office space into a nursery or potentially moving altogether.
I thought about telling my family the great news, but with that came the realization of all the other things.
The part of my heart that was hurting was knowing that I would have to tell everyone the truth; not just my parents and brothers, but Micaiah too.
Having a baby via intrauterine insemination allowed me to be in control of the process.
Knowing my baby was conceived by a beautiful night with a stranger changed everything.
I owed him an explanation, and I was afraid of facing the music—afraid of how he might react.