Chapter Ten Jemma
Chapter Ten JEMMA
After two wonderful years of marriage, we have mutually decided to amicably split. Please respect our wish for privacy at this time.
Total horse-do-do.
‘If those years of marriage were so wonderful , why are they divorcing, huh?’ I jab at the phone screen over Clara’s shoulder.
‘Don’t say that!’ Clara whines at me, wriggling further into the sofa as she turns her phone away – and with it, the showbiz homepage of the Daily Mail – from my view.
‘You don’t know anything about Greta and Indiana, or their relationship.
They were so perfect together and their break-up is a national tragedy.
They were amazing in all the films they starred in together. ’
I throw myself down on the sofa cushions beside my sister. I can hear Harry and Salma bickering over snacks in the kitchen. I catch her telling him to ‘go fuck a tin of Heinz beans.’ Classic Salma.
‘You don’t know anything about those people!
’ I tell Clara hotly as she picks up the TV remote and flicks through the channels.
‘That’s my problem with celebrities. They’re always performing, always faking it.
You have no clue at all whether they were happy together, or if it was all a set-up.
They probably signed a contract to be together for two years.
I bet they hated each other the whole time. ’
Clara looks stricken. ‘Of course they didn’t!’
I open my laptop on the coffee table before me. I pull up a folder with my latest Aarav interview, untangling my headphones and tucking my feet up beside me. I have a lot of transcribing to get done. I might as well do it while pretending to watch Book Boyfriend .
Salma and Harry join us, still arguing light-heartedly. Harry offers me popcorn from a large bowl.
‘You left this in the kitchen.’ Salma hands me Too Good to Be True , and I stroke it longingly. Maybe I’ll read instead of working. That sounds much more fun.
Across the room, Clara is still on one. ‘Salma, did you know Greta and Indiana split up? Can you believe it?’
Salma looks mystified as Harry leaps in. ‘No way!’ he says with outrage. ‘I thought they were in it for the long haul. They were so great together.’ Clara beams at his interest and I feel a spike of irritation. I hate how well they get on.
‘The best you can hope for with those stars is half a story,’ I comment, extracting the envelope bookmark from my novel and checking the length of the chapter ahead. Eight pages. Perfect. Short chapters make me feel like I’m a fast reader. Like I’m achieving something.
‘Better than that rubbish.’ Clara nods dismissively at the book in my hand and I feel hot with hatred. I loathe people who barely read and still feel entitled to comment on my reading choices. ‘And,’ she continues airily, ‘I’d kill to have something as sexy and exciting as Greta and Indiana had.’
I snort. ‘They broke up after only two years.’
‘Two years and four months if you count their dating era,’ Harry tells me defensively as Clara cries, ‘And it’s only because of, like, press intrusion and the stress of being an A-lister!’
I grin, actually quite enjoying the boost of serotonin I’m getting from teasing my sister instead of being furious with her.
I’m trying really hard to be nice because I know she’s trying really hard.
Objectively I can see that this is my sister doing her best to be helpful and nice.
Despite the Wetherspoons bog roll and long-life milk.
What are we, students? I bet she also doesn’t floss and drinks blue WKD.
I mean, I also don’t floss, but I definitely don’t drink WKD.
‘Do you drink WKD?’ I ask her innocently, and she nods happily.
‘Oh yeah,’ she grins. ‘I drink it with Baileys and rum. I call it WKumleys – it’s delicious.’
There, see?
But I’m trying to channel Salma and Harry, who both seem endlessly amused by my sister’s hopelessness, rather than irritated.
‘Ooh, it’s starting!’ Harry points at the TV, looking way too eager as Clara excitably turns up the volume. Pre-game adverts blast and Salma snuggles into me.
‘I know you hate this,’ she says in a low voice. ‘But I’m glad you’re still watching it with us.’
‘I can’t promise to give it my full concentration,’ I say, smiling grudgingly and gesturing lightly at the book version in my hands.
‘We’ll take whatever crumbs you can offer us shallow TV people,’ she laughs, then sits up. ‘Oh, by the way, how’s it going with the mountain guy? You were with him again today, right?’
I nod, raising my eyebrows. ‘Yep, really good. I should be transcribing actually.’ I sigh.
‘God, Salma, I have such a crush on him.’ I pause.
‘Or maybe just a professional crush on his achievements? I mean, Aarav’s done so much with his life!
I feel both hugely inadequate and intensely hot whenever he’s telling me about his adventures.
I don’t really want this project to ever end, but it’s another tight deadline.
A couple of months to do all this research and interviews, while the boss starts putting the structural edit together.
’ I frown, ‘Although that dickhead librarian Mack kept interrupting us today.’ I give Salma a dark look.
‘He obviously hates that I use the library to work from, but the other librarian, Anita, has always said it’s fine!
It’s what the desks are there for! If people like me didn’t use the library, it wouldn’t exist.’
Salma rolls her eyes. ‘He’s an arsehole, don’t let him get to you.
’ She’s been in the library to meet me a few times, and been subjected to the shitty charms of Mack.
Last time he told her she couldn’t come in if she didn’t sign up for a library card.
They nearly had a fist fight before Anita intervened and overruled him.
I squeeze my book into my chest, speaking dreamily.
‘Anyway, I could listen to Aarav’s stories for hours. ’
‘Nobody cares about the mountaineer!’ Harry is red-faced as he shushes us. ‘The show is starting!’ Salma and I exchange an amused look. He is very into this series, who’d have thought.
‘There he is!’ Clara squeals as our leading man strides across the screen. She turns to the room. ‘Isn’t he the dreamiest? I honestly think we’re meant to be together.’
I snort at this, barely giving the screen a glance. Salma smirks in my direction. ‘Jemma only has book boyfriends,’ she tells the room, ‘but I think TV boyfriends are just as legitimate.’ Salma nods authoritatively. ‘Mine will always be Colin Firth as Mr Darcy.’
‘Which one is that?’ Harry frowns. ‘Is that his character in Kingsman ?’
Clara turns to the group, momentarily distracted from her new on-screen crush. ‘I know that film! It’s the one where he has a stutter, right?’ she asks and Harry shakes his head.
‘No, that’s The King’s Speech .’
‘No, wait.’ Clara looks inspired. ‘He was stuttering in Love Actually , wasn’t he?’
‘No!’ Salma sighs. ‘He was just trying to speak Portuguese to get off with his cleaner. And I’m talking about Pride and Prejudice , the TV series – obviously.’
‘Of course,’ I add supportively, though I’ve lost track of the chat.
Clara squints at Salma. ‘Didn’t Matthew Macfadyen play Mr Darcy?’
Harry shakes his head again. ‘You’re thinking of Matthew McConaughey.’
‘Nooo,’ Salma yells over them, turning furiously on Clara.
‘Do not mention the Pride and Prejudice remake in my presence ever again. I’m talking about the only version that matters – the 1995 BBC adaptation starring Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet and Colin Firth as Mr Darcy.
’ She takes a deep breath, before continuing her diatribe.
‘I’m sure there are some people in this world whose Mr Darcy is Matthew Macfadyen, but something has gone deeply wrong for those people.
That is a deep-rooted trauma that must be worked through in therapy.
’ Her eyes are wild. ‘I mean, I’m sure Matthew Macfadyen is a perfectly nice person but he’s also not and I hate him and how dare he. ’
Clara looks at her kindly as she finishes this speech. ‘Babe, Colin Firth played Mr Darcy in Bridget Jones’s Diary .’ She pats Salma’s hand gently. ‘It’s an easy mistake to make, don’t worry about it.’
I regard Salma’s dumbfounded expression with some satisfaction. See? Clara is infuriating. It’s not just me.
I clear my throat. ‘To be fair, she’s not wrong.
His character was Mark Darcy. Just to confuse things even more, did you know Colin Firth is actually in the second Bridget Jones book?
As himself, the actor? Bridget interviews him in her capacity as a really bad journalist. It’s so funny.
Much funnier than the films. The books are wayyyyy better than the movies. ’
‘You always think the books are better,’ Salma says, half smiling, her colour returning to normal.
‘That’s because they are,’ I mutter, resentfully watching my beloved Julianna on screen, laughing with her friends in a way that is all wrong.
Salma leans in closer, looking a little more serious. ‘I think books and book boyfriends are great, pal, but don’t you think…’ She pauses. ‘I don’t know, when did you last go on an actual date with a real life man?’
I shrug, feeling put on the spot. ‘I don’t want to!
’ I tell her decisively, then try to make a joke of her question.
‘I’m far too busy fantasizing about fictional men to worry about the real thing!
I’ve been ruined by book boyfriends and everyone telling me I should settle.
’ I grin. ‘I mean, why settle when there’s a dreamy hero in the next book I pick up? ’
Salma regards me silently and I swallow hard.
I know what she thinks. She thinks my obsession with fiction is holding me back.
We’ve talked about it before. She thinks I hide from real life.
Like with my work. She’d say I’ve chosen to stay a research assistant for a ghostwriter because I’m too chicken to try being a writer myself.
From across the room, Clara suddenly starts wailing. ‘Ohhh god no!’ She looks up at me from her phone. ‘Mum’s just messaged to say she’s got me a job interview! Tomorrow!’
‘What?’ I lean forward. ‘Where? How? For what?’
Her voice rises an octave. ‘At Angela’s office!
’ She throws her phone down into the sofa cushions.
‘It’s a PA job, working for one of the execs.
’ She puts a hand to her chest like there is a chance she will start hyperventilating.
‘This is not what I need right now. I need some time to figure out what I want to do!’ She blinks at the three of us.
‘I’ve just got back here, I’ve had a really bad—’ She stops and looks down.
‘What?’ Salma prods. ‘A bad what?’
Clara looks up innocently. ‘Huh? Oh nothing. I just mean I’m not ready for this. I need more time.’ She sighs and I grimace.
‘Maybe it won’t be as awful as you think,’ I offer supportively.
‘You could get there and love the office and the team! It might be amazing working in the same building as Angela. You could help her and Mum with some wedding planning!’ She makes a face and I add, ‘I’m joking – I don’t think they’ve even started thinking about that yet.
’ I pause. ‘At the very least, it’ll be some decent interview practice. ’
She sighs again. ‘I guess so.’ She stares longingly at the TV screen. ‘I was just really hoping to dedicate some time to stalking my new crush.’
‘Fair enough,’ Salma says agreeably. ‘And speaking of new crushes…’ She turns to me excitedly. ‘Have you had any more notes from your mysterious book boyfriend?’
I turn red. ‘No! And stop saying it’s a man!’
‘Are you not still writing to each other?’ Clara leans in curiously as I shrug.
The truth is, I haven’t replied to the latest note.
I feel weird about the whole thing now. This is why I kept it secret for a while – I knew it would get ruined by everyone else knowing.
Now, every time I pick up my writing set to reply, I get all nervous, picturing some too-handsome man reading my silly words and laughing at me.
Clara looks outraged by my lack of enthusiasm. ‘Oh my god, Jim-Jems, you have to reply! When do things like this ever happen to people like us? This is such a crazy, magical thing, you have to see what happens. You must keep going!’
‘I will,’ I say casually, staring down in my lap, adding in a low voice, ‘probably.’ I pause. ‘I have to return the book to the library on Wednesday so I would need to do it by then. But I don’t know, I think our conversation may have run its course. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘I agree with Clara, you should keep writing,’ Salma says firmly.
Harry looks horrified. ‘I don’t think you should!’ he says hotly. ‘I mean, this note person could be anyone. It could be some absolute freak.’
Salma smiles serenely. ‘Then it would be a match made in heaven, wouldn’t it?’ I lightly slap her on the arm and Clara shrieks with laughter.
‘You really have to,’ my sister says when she stops cackling.
‘Otherwise you’d always wonder, wouldn’t you?
You’d always wonder what might have happened if you had.
Who you might’ve met.’ She looks serious for a moment.
‘I’m not saying this is your soulmate or whatever’ – she gestures at the screen – ‘not like me and Milo Samuels—’
‘Or me and Colin Firth’s Mr Darcy,’ adds Salma.
‘Right!’ Clara nods. ‘But this is someone who seems to love Too Good to Be True as much as you. This could be a friend for life. Or at least someone you can bore on about it with.’ She gives me a cheeky smile and I reluctantly return it.
‘Let me think about it some more, OK?’ I tell the room and Clara whoops.
To be honest, it’s not like I’ll be able to think about anything else.