Chapter Thirty-Three Clara
Chapter Thirty-Three CLARA
My heart is hammering as I slow-motion knock on the hotel room door.
Maybe he won’t answer? Do I want him to answer?
Fuck you , I mentally tell it. You have no idea how stressful this is.
I sense movement from inside the room, before I hear anything. It takes another minute but suddenly Brandon is standing before me, huge and looming in the door frame.
Oh god. I was not prepared.
He looks even more handsome than I remember.
So large and burly and – I dunno – square .
His face is tanned and symmetrical, stubble too long.
Eye bags underline those huge dark eyes; he looks exhausted – but even that suits him.
He’s wearing a rumpled version of a shirt I remember, with the buttons undone to his chest. I catch a glimpse of some hair and it makes my watch beep crossly again.
The same thought I had the first night I met him flashes across my consciousness now: these are genes I would want for my babies.
We stare at one another for a full ten seconds. I break the eye contact first, swallowing hard and staring down at my feet. This is going to be so fucking awkward, I shouldn’t have come, this is—
Suddenly he grabs me around the waist, picking me up, circling me around in the air and pulling me to him in a bear hug.
‘Clara!’ he breathes into my ear, laughing. ‘I’ve missed you so much, babe!’
‘Put me down,’ I say, trying to sound upset but laughing despite myself. He does so and then kisses me, hard and full of purpose. I let it happen, hating myself. This is why I didn’t want to see him – it is impossible not to fall back into something so familiar.
A voice in my head tells me to stop.
‘We should talk,’ I say, gasping a little and stepping back. Away from the heat of his body. I’ve come here to end this properly. No more running away, it’s time to be honest. Jemma thinks I’m incapable of being a grown-up, but I’ll show her. ‘Listen, Brandon, I—’
‘Babe, please come back to me,’ he cuts me off. ‘I’m lost without you, I really am. Give us another chance. You know we’re right for each other. I’m sorry for everything that happened, and I forgive you for disappearing like that.’
‘You forgive me…’ I trail off, feeling confused.
‘Yeah!’ he says, sounding sad. ‘It was the worst thing anyone’s ever done to me, I’ve been a wreck these last couple of months. You ignored my calls and messages, I thought you were dead!’
‘Apart from my very-much-alive Instagram posts?’ I ask dryly and he tuts.
‘It’s not funny, Clara, it was an awful thing to do to me.
’ He sighs. ‘But I can get past it. I forgive you.’ He places enormous hands on my shoulders, looking deep into my eyes.
‘We’re married , babe. Married! That’s no small thing, it means something.
You have to give us another try! You left over nothing really – nothing!
It was a little fight. We have to try to make this work, Clara, we can make each other happy.
I love you and you love me. I know you do!
And think about how good it was at the beginning! We were amazing. We can get that back.’
My head swims with confusion. I don’t know what to think.
This is all so… OK, yes, he’s right, we were amazing at the beginning.
And maybe I have been the one in the wrong, but I thought…
I was so sure I needed a new start, a clean slate.
I thought coming back here to my family was the right decision.
I thought running away was the right thing.
I thought it would be impossible to stay married to Brandon and I’d be better off here.
But what have I got keeping me here?
Jemma?
Fuck her! I’ve tried so hard with my sister, so hard .
I’ve done everything I could to make her like me.
To make her understand me. I’ve tried for months now!
But she doesn’t give a shit about me and she never will.
That argument last night was the final straw.
There’s no going back after that. Not after the things she said.
Not after the things we said to each other.
I’m done with this place – with this country. Why would I stay somewhere no one wants or cares about me?
‘Come back to America with me, Clara,’ Brandon says seriously, grabbing my hands. ‘Give us one more chance. You owe us that – you owe me that after everything you’ve put me through.’ He winks. ‘And I’ve already bought you a plane ticket. Please?’
I take in his beseeching face. My husband.
He’s so handsome. And maybe things will be different this time!
We’ll both be better. We’ll both try harder and give it everything we have.
Every marriage takes work and this is my chance to be truly happy.
No more running away. I need to give this my everything and forget about the disaster of the last few months, trying to be something I’m not.
I reach for him. ‘OK,’ I say simply as he grins and leans in to kiss me again.
I’m going back to America. I’m going home.