Chapter Ten
A chorus of crickets and bullfrogs along the riverfront eased some of the tension in Tessa’s shoulders.
The rhythmic pounding of her feet against the rubberized path slowly loosened the rest of her as well.
Cool night air on her cheeks and the distant familiar scents of local bistros and cafés pushed her into the euphoria she chased with every evening run.
A perfect somatic release she planned to get more regularly, now that she’d given up her eighty-hour work weeks.
There was something about jogging along the river, in the fall, when the sun set before dinner and neighbors emerged from their homes to share these moments together, that touched her, body and soul.
She’d recently learned the resulting overwhelm of her senses had a name: collective effervescence.
The urge to cry in crowds, at parades or concerts—anywhere strangers gathered to share something beautiful.
And she loved knowing others experienced it too.
She paused to stretch and watch the bobbing bistro lights high above downtown. Pulling in long breaths through her nose and blowing them away with her mouth, she found peace.
Good vibes in.
Worry, fear, trash thoughts out.
Her phone buzzed as she reached her halfway mark and turned. The nightly group chat appeared on-screen.
“Hey,” she puffed, walking slowly back toward her apartment.
Kate and Hallie greeted her with half-hearted hellos. The purple crescents of exhaustion beneath Hallie’s pretty hazel eyes were nearly as alarming as Kate’s puffy red cheeks and tissue in hand.
“What happened?” Tessa asked. She’d had another challenging day, but clearly her friends had it worse.
Kate mopped her cheeks with the tissue. “Where are you?”
“Are you jogging?” Hallie asked. “It’s dark. You could be abducted.”
“I’m at the river.” Tessa moved her camera to pan around her. “I’m perfectly safe. I think the two of you are the only ones not downtown right now. Are you both crying?”
“No.” Hallie frowned. “I’m exhausted.”
“I’m not crying at the moment,” Kate said. “I’m also not going downtown or leaving home ever again.”
“Is today opposite day?” Tessa asked. “You hate missing anything. You’d come down here to see a squirrel eat a french fry.”
“Never again,” Kate said. “From now on I’m using every chance I get to stay the fuck home.”
Tessa made her craziest face at the screen. Firstly, Kate rarely cussed. Secondly, when she was worked up enough to pull out a four-letter friend, Hallie usually celebrated. Instead, they both looked as dejected as when the call began. “What is happening?” Tessa demanded. “Spill. Now.”
“I lost more followers today,” Kate said.
“A lot more. I told myself the earlier losses were a fluke, but this is the fourth day in a row. I asked myself what the heroine of my story would do. Then I decided to double down on being my most authentic self and trust that people would appreciate my authenticity.”
Hallie shook her head in silent support. “It’s still early in the experiment. You just have to give it time.”
“Time!” Kate shrieked.
Hallie stretched her eyes comically wide. “Breathe before you pass out.”
Kate tipped forward until she disappeared from view.
“Are you putting your head between your knees?” Hallie asked.
A distant muffled round of swearing made Tessa smile.
“You know I’m not that flexible,” Kate said. “My belly’s in the way, and I don’t need another reason to feel terrible about myself. I’m already going to look like shit in the morning.”
“I’m so sorry,” Tessa said. “People are fickle and easily startled. Like cats.”
Kate’s messy hair and wild expression shot back into view.
“I’m not just losing followers. I’m trending downward.
People are leaving me so consistently that soon there won’t be any more to lose.
” Her bottom lip wobbled, and her big blue eyes filled with barely held-back tears.
“I shared parts of who I am off camera, and no one likes me.”
Her face bunched, and she fanned both hands in front of her eyes, as if she might be able to dry up the emerging tears.
“People only want the highly filtered, overly polished version of me. I created that version to draw them in at nineteen. I’m nearly forty now!
I’m a fraud, and I’m not even a likeable one! ”
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Tessa said.
Her hackles rose at the very notion. “You are perfect. Anyone who says differently can piss off. They aren’t your people.
All those followers who checked out when you showed them something unfiltered and real are not your followers.
Your true followers will stay, and new followers will come.
And they will delight in all aspects of you. ”
“Yes!” Hallie agreed. “When the people at your table stop seeing your value, you’re at the wrong table. You just have to find a new place to sit.”
“How?” Kate asked, tears falling in an unstoppable deluge. “Because if I don’t find somewhere soon, I’m going to be sitting on the curb with the trash.”
“Keep being yourself,” Tessa said. “People evolve. It’s natural.
No matter what some may say, we are allowed to grow and change.
We’re supposed to. You’re not the woman you were when you set up your social media accounts.
No one should expect you to stay frozen there.
It’s completely unfair. Life is change.”
“Is that why you’re quitting your job?” Kate asked, wiping strands of blond hair away from her wet cheeks. “Because the people there no longer see your value? So you’re just going to start over somewhere else?”
“I’m not—”
“Exactly,” Kate said.
The night breeze and Kate’s tone drew chills over Tessa’s sweat-slicked skin as she crossed the cobblestone bridge above the river.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Tessa said. “I meant to be encouraging.”
“It feels condescending,” Kate said flatly. “I’m expected to press ahead in ways that will hurt my career and reduce my income, but you aren’t?”
Tessa balked. She’d never suggest Kate intentionally damage the career she’d spent so many years creating. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying?” Kate asked. “Because it sounds as if you’re staying at a workplace where your work goes unvalued, but I’m supposed to take a stand and throw away decades of effort.
And it has been decades, Tessa,” she stated.
“I started building my online presence in middle school. I was still in elementary school when I got a MySpace account. Then Vine and Musical.ly. I was a front-runner on TikTok and making money on Instagram before most people even knew that was possible. This is a lifelong path for me, not something I started after earning a degree.”
Tessa’s jaw locked. “I can’t help that marketing is a career requiring an education.”
Kate gasped. “I knew it. You think your job is better than mine. You think being an influencer isn’t a real career.”
Hallie made a startled yip. “Whoa. Hold on.” She formed a time-out signal with her hands. “Everyone’s job matters. We all work hard and deserve to thrive in everything we do.”
“Then I think we should stop this main character stuff before we ruin what we have,” Kate said.
“Forcing all these changes is making everything worse, not better. I know that my career is uncommon, and that I probably wouldn’t be where I am now if my family didn’t have the money and connections to help me get started on this path.
And I am fully aware of how blessed and lucky I am to be so wholly emotionally supported by them.
But I’m an adult, and I will not ask them to support me financially because I chose to actively wreck everything I’ve built. ”
“I’m sorry,” Tessa said. Her heart ached, and her gut wrenched. “I know how hard you work, and I would never diminish that. I also understand that what we’re doing is scary. But we weren’t happy before either.”
“I’d rather be frustrated with my job and able to pay the bills than make changes that will lead to my eviction,” Kate said.
Sounds of music at an outdoor café grew louder as Tessa approached. An older couple danced freely while onlookers smiled.
The juxtaposition of joy and crisis sent waves of unease through her limbs, and she trembled.
“I think we all need a few days to regroup,” Hallie said.
“I haven’t told Bryce any of the things I need to tell him, because I don’t want to upset him, and I don’t want him to upset me.
So I’ve just been stewing and fixating. He knows something’s wrong, and every time I deny it, I drive a bigger wedge between us. It’s awful.”
“I hate it,” Kate whispered. “I can’t please everyone without doing something I’m tired of doing.”
“We all make those sacrifices,” Hallie said. “Even when we think we don’t.”
“I made a career out of it,” Kate said. “Look where that got me. The minute I stop pretending to be perfect, no one wants me.” Her tears began anew, and the pain went straight to Tessa’s chest. “I was stupid to think my followers would be as supportive as my friends and family.”
“You weren’t stupid,” Hallie said. “You were hopeful. There isn’t anything wrong with that.”
“And you have us,” Tessa added. “I really didn’t mean to sound condescending, and I would never ask you to do anything I wasn’t willing to do, or anything that made you feel bad.”
“I know.” Kate sighed. “I’m sorry too. This is just so ridiculously hard.”
“Well,” Tessa said. “Not to brag, but your friends are pretty great, and we’ll be right here with you no matter what happens. Plus, this isn’t over until we say so.”
Kate’s lips twitched. Her gaze flickered to the camera. “Feels like it’s over.”
Tessa checked her watch and bounced into a jog for the last few blocks. “If you were the heroine of this story, what would you do?”
Kate sighed. “If this was a book and not my collapsing life,” she hedged, “I guess I’d resolve to be the change I want to see on the page.”
Hallie grinned. “Agreed.”
Tessa’s gaze shifted. “What about you, Hallie?”
“I’d be a magic-wielding succubus,” she said. “I’d be insanely hot and stay mind-bendingly sexually satisfied, and I’d manifest everything I wanted.”
Tessa slowed to check for cars at the next intersection. “I would read both of your stories.”
“Hey,” Hallie said. “Are you running again?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t you usually run before work, not after?” she asked.
“I’m just trying to clear my head,” Tessa admitted. “I overheard some Gen Z coworkers call me an elder millennial this afternoon. I’m not an elder anything. I’m thirty-five years old. I thought I looked closer to twenty-five.”
Her friends responded with soft understanding groans.
“My new gyno is a Gen Z,” Hallie said. “Her name’s Pearl—not Doctor Anything, just Pearl. She called me dawg and barely looked up from her tablet before the exam.”
“Maybe she was an iPad kid.”
“That’s Gen Alpha,” Kate said.
Hallie shrugged. “Whatever. I thought people in that generation should be learning to drive, not swabbing my cervix.”
Tessa’s phone announced an incoming call, and she slowed to check the caller ID. “My dad’s calling,” she said. “I’ve got to go. Pick a time to meet for book club and text me?”
“Yeah,” Hallie said.
“Sounds good,” Kate agreed. “Sorry I was mean.”
Tessa smiled. “I love you guys.”
“Love you!” they sang and disconnected.
Tessa accepted the incoming call with hope that Devin had already left town. It’d been nearly a week since her dad invited her for family dinner, and soon she’d have to set a date. “Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, hon,” he said. “How’s everything going?”
“Good.” She returned to a walk, ignoring the dread pooling in her core. “You?”
“I’d be better if we could get our family dinner on the schedule this week,” he said. “It’d mean a lot to me, having you and Devin together at my table again.”
Tessa paused to let her head drop forward a moment, then raised her chin and began moving once more. Two blocks and she’d be home, then she could shower and wash this conversation down the drain, along with the sweat from her sticky skin.
“I know you and Devin have your differences, but he loves you, and he’d like to work on building a friendship. He hasn’t had an easy time, you know.”
“Oh, I know,” Tessa assured. Her dad reminded her of Devin’s struggles every chance he got.
Devin lost his mother too young, and he hadn’t known his biological father, but her dad had done anything and everything he could to fill both voids. And he did so with gusto.
Tessa was four years older, and she’d grown up fast in the face of loss. She learned to behave and be helpful, not a burden. Her dad lost a wife and gained a grieving son. There wasn’t room for her to make things more complicated or difficult than they already were.
“Tess,” her dad said, his voice chiding but patient. “For me? Please?”
Her shoulders drooped as his words pierced her heart. “Okay,” she said. “Anything for you.” And she meant it with every fiber of her being.
“Excellent!” The cheer in his tone pulled a smile across her face. “I’ll make rigatoni and fried chicken. Your favorites.”
“Sounds delicious.”
“It will be,” he promised. “You won’t regret this. Making up with your brother is only going to improve your life. Leaving things to fester is unhealthy. You know? Change is good.”
“Okay,” she said, unable to refuse him. Doing so would break both their hearts.
If she was right, and their family dinner turned out to be the catastrophic shit show she predicted, at least her friends would be there to help her through the aftermath.
So she focused on how lucky she was to have a dad who wanted to make her dinner. That was really all that mattered.
“Great,” her dad said. “Now that’s settled. What are you up to tonight? What’s new in my big-shot daughter’s world that’s kept you from calling?”
The question surprised her. Had she forgotten to call him last night? She really was having a problematic week. “Did I tell you I was up for a promotion at work?”
“Ah,” he said. “You love that fancy job. Tell me what else you’ve been up to. The real stuff. Are you dating? How are those friends of yours? You know they’re welcome to dinner anytime. I can’t compete with Hallie in the kitchen, but I’d still do my best.” He chuckled.
Tessa’s shoulders sagged. He rarely wanted to talk about her job. At her age, that probably shouldn’t sting, but it did.
“I’m just about to go on a run along the river,” she lied. The crack in her voice likely gave her away. “I hate to rush off, but I don’t want to be out long after dark.”
“Say no more,” he said. “Be safe, Tiger. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Dad.” The words ached in her throat as she disconnected the call.
Tessa entered her building a few moments later, hating herself for still feeling the betrayal and abandonment left over from adolescence. And heartbroken that her dad didn’t seem to have a clue.