Chapter Sixteen
They took their usual seats at the oval oaken table for six. Dad at the far end, Tessa on one side of him, Devin on the other.
They passed trays of pasta and garlic rolls, the bowl of salad, and the bottle of dressing. The butter dish and parmesan container sat centrally within reach. A platter of fried chicken finished the spread.
“This is nice,” Dad said. “Being here like this with both of you means everything to me. Thanks for spending some time with your old man.”
“Thanks for having me back,” Devin said. “I certainly don’t deserve another chance.”
Tessa’s gaze jumped to their dad’s proud face, before sweeping to her brother. “How long are you hanging around?”
“For a while,” Dad said. “Devin’s putting down some roots.”
Her mouth opened, then snapped shut when words escaped her.
“I could use a little help around here,” Dad said. “Devin’s looking for a fresh start and was kind enough to agree to stay here and help me while he gets settled.”
A thousand concerned words piled on her tongue. She couldn’t protect her dad from his love for her brother and the earth-shattering disappointment that it always caused.
A knot of panic formed in her chest, and her thoughts began to spiral.
She couldn’t stop her brother from hurting their dad again when he fell off the wagon, when he repeated any of the awful things he’d done under the influence in the past, or when he eventually left.
And she couldn’t protect her brother from his demons any more than anyone had been able to protect her mother.
Worse, she couldn’t say any of those things, or the dozens of others forming a hurricane in her heart and head, because saying them aloud would only hurt them both.
“I was in rehab,” Devin said.
Her gaze flickered to him. “What?”
“At Christmas. It’s the reason I wasn’t here.
I stayed for four months, completed the full ninety-day program, then stuck around a little more.
When I felt good enough to try life again, I realized pretty quickly that I wouldn’t be able to continue the work I’d done in rehab if I went right back to the same apartment, same job, same environment. ”
Tessa stared in shock and disbelief. Devin went to rehab. By choice, not by force. And he wanted to stay clean.
“You’re right not to believe me,” Devin said.
“I know I’ve said similar things before, and I know how this looks.
The difference today is that I’m telling you I have an addiction problem.
I understand and I accept that fact. I did the big work of getting clean without dragging you guys into it, but I could really use my family while I pick up the pieces and try to repair as much of my life as I can,” Devin said.
“I mean it when I say how incredibly sorry I am for every ounce of fear, worry, and pain I’ve caused you. ”
Dad’s eyes misted with hope and unshed tears.
Was it possible that Devin had managed what Tessa’s mom never could?
Tessa wanted to believe it. She wanted him to be healthy, for her family to be healed. And she wanted to believe it was possible for her mom to turn her life around too.
Their dad patted Devin’s hand. “We’re glad you trusted us enough to come back and let us help however we can. Right, Tess?”
Tessa felt her stomach tighten with fear. She feared he’d fail. She feared the pain it would cause her and her dad if he did. And she feared Devin wouldn’t try again if things didn’t work out as planned.
There was too much at stake, and she struggled to breathe.
Then she thought of her conversation about change with Grant.
She wanted to be one of the people in Devin’s corner, not one who made an already difficult change harder.
Could she be the best version of herself when her heart wanted to prepare for the worst, to protect herself, and her dad, at all costs?
If she did that, who would protect Devin while he worked against the odds to make a better life?
Silence hung eerily over the room, sharp and heavy as a guillotine’s blade.
“Tess?” Dad asked.
“Of course,” she said, forcing the word from her throat.
“Did you know Devin finished his degree?” Dad asked, pride oozing from his words.
“Accounting,” Devin said. “They let me take my last semester online, and I tested out of some of the other classes I struggled with the first time.”
She forked salad into her mouth, grateful for an excuse not to speak.
Devin was staying.
She really did need her therapist now. This was not a good time for more trauma.
She already worried about her mom daily.
That never ended. She worried about her dad living alone, now his weight loss, heartburn, and age.
Add a potential heartbreak for everyone if Devin relapsed or took off again, and it was just too many things for her to handle all at once.
She imagined setting down her fork and puffing into a paper bag.
“I got a job with O’Malley’s nursery through Christmas,” Devin said.
“I’m a part-time assistant to their accountant to help them get caught up on their tax prep.
The pay is fair, and I can work from home.
Plus it’ll help me get experience and references for my résumé while I look for a full-time position. ”
“Sounds good,” Tessa said. She hoped her smile wouldn’t betray her fears and concerns. Two things can be true at once, she reminded herself. Devin can have a pattern of destructive behaviors and be making big permanent changes for the better.
I can be so happy I want to scream it to the neighbors and so afraid I want to go home and cry.
“You know, Tess,” Dad said. He lifted his glass, thoughtfully. “You have a good relationship with a lot of businesses in town. Maybe you can help your little brother find a full-time job, something that will last beyond the holidays.”
Tessa’s mouth opened then shut. Her heart pounded, and she set her fork down before she dropped it. “Dad—”
“Now, hear me out,” he said. “Folks around here know and trust you. That’s important in communities like ours, and Devin’s been away a long time. He could use the help getting reacquainted with this place and his sister.”
The few bites she’d taken soured in her gut. Putting her reputation on the line for someone with a long history of blowing everything up around him was too much to ask. Her dad must’ve known that. But he’d asked anyway. And he’d put her on the spot in front of Devin.
Her chest and cheeks heated with frustration. Why were Devin’s needs always paramount to her comfort? Why didn’t their dad think about what he was asking and understand it was too much? Why didn’t he see she wanted to cry, flee, or crawl under the table and scream?
Why didn’t he see her?
Devin sipped his water, looking embarrassed and a little unsure.
“Enough about me. I’d love to hear what’s new with you,” he said, directing the question to Tessa.
“How’s life as a big ad exec?” He smiled, and she noted his clear eyes and skin.
He certainly looked the part of someone getting back to health. She wanted so badly to believe him.
Her mother had looked the same a dozen times in Tessa’s life. But she’d only gotten Tessa’s hopes up to catastrophically disappoint her again and again.
“Still working at that place downtown?” he asked, brows raised, when she didn’t respond.
“Yeah,” she said. “I am.”
“Still like it?”
She nodded. “A lot.”
Her dad sat taller. “She’s up for a big promotion,” he said. “When is the announcement? There’s going to be a party and everything. At the museum, right?” Her dad frowned, perhaps reading the grimace on her face.
“It was last week.”
“I’m sorry, hon.” Her dad looked ashamed for no good reason. She could’ve called him. She needed to make more of an effort. Especially if Devin would be sticking around. “I’ve been taking on so much overtime so I could have a few days off when Devin arrived.”
“It’s fine,” she said. “Really. I didn’t bring it up again, because I didn’t get the promotion.” Her stomach turned as she spoke the words, embarrassed and angry all over again.
“What?” Her dad reached for her hand and gave her fingers a firm squeeze. “That’s ridiculous. After all you do for them? After the years you’ve been there working eighty-hour weeks?”
“It’s fine,” she repeated. Heat flared over her face, and she pulled her hand away. She lifted her napkin to her mouth, wiping invisible sauce from her lips to soften her overreaction.
“I am truly sorry,” Dad said. The sincerity in his voice threatened to break her open, because she knew the news hurt him as much as it had hurt her. When his children hurt, he hurt. Maybe worse.
Devin cleared his throat, pulling their attention across the table. “Catch me up on things. How’s everything else? Still running with those two crazy girls, the little mean one and the fancy blond? Are you dating anyone? Been to any good shows or concerts in the city lately?”
Tessa took a moment to process the rapid-fire interrogation.
Clearly her brother was as eager to change the subject as she was.
For that, she could thank him. “Hallie and Kate,” Tessa said.
She wanted to tell him Hallie wasn’t mean and Kate wasn’t fancy, but he’d nailed their exterior personas fairly.
“We went to see the Lumineers in concert at the stadium last month. It was incredible.”
Devin nodded. “I heard they’re great. Are you dating again?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“It’s because you work too much,” their dad said. “You should go out more. You’re only young and beautiful for a little while. Eventually, we all end up looking like wilted lettuce and shaped like turnips.”
Tessa wrinkled her nose. “Ew.”
Devin shifted, leaning in their dad’s direction. “She’s right. That was gross, and I’m a little uncomfortable with vegetable references.”
Tessa laughed, and Devin’s smile grew, the way it had when they were kids. He’d loved to make people laugh.
“Well,” she said, turning her attention back to Dad. “Don’t worry about me too much. After being passed over for the promotion, I made some big decisions. I’m not working as many hours anymore, and I’m thinking about what’s in my best interest more often.”
Dad smiled. “That’s what I like to hear. Is your boss okay with you cutting back?”
Her spine straightened. “He should be. A former client came in last week and asked for me, personally, to work on his new campaign, which will be a pretty big one.” She glanced at Devin. “He’s really kind and very cute.”
Her brother’s responding nod sent a wave of hope up from her core. Maybe they could get back to the siblings they were, or some altered version.
“Not a client,” her dad said, waving a fork above his pasta. “You can’t date someone you work with. That’s a recipe for disaster. And probably grounds for firing. You’d better be careful on that one.”
“A recipe for disaster?” Devin asked. “These food references are getting out of control.”
Tessa offered her brother an appreciative look.
After dinner, she insisted on cleaning up. It was the least she could do.
Dad moved onto the patio, where he’d promised to light another fire in the pit if the wind had died down.
Devin didn’t follow him. Instead, he joined her at the sink, then opened the dishwasher to help load it. “I used to hate this chore.”
“I remember,” she said. “While we did dishes I’d unload all of my high school drama that you didn’t care about onto your middle school brain, and you’d tell me about the eighth-grade sports scene.”
Devin offered a crooked smile. “I cared about your drama,” he said. “I didn’t say so, because I was a thirteen-year-old boy, but I cared, because you cared, and you’re my sister.”
Tessa turned off the water and looked into Devin’s eyes with effort. The eight or more inches between them in height caused her to step back a little. “Well, for what it’s worth, I cared about your sports stuff too.”
“I know,” he said. “You came to every game, and when you couldn’t, you’d tell me a thousand times to go out there and kick ass. Then I’d find little notes in my gym bag, reminding me I was unstoppable.”
She grinned, unexpectedly emotional again. “I was very proud of you,” she admitted. “I was an only child until you showed up, and I really liked being a big sister.”
He nodded, then turned away, focused on the dishwasher. “How are Hallie and Kate?”
Tessa sucked in a short breath, stunned by the sudden change of the subject. “Good.”
“I follow them on Instagram,” he said. “Since the first time we met. I was still in high school, I think. Kate’s really gotten popular. Is she single?”
“You cannot date Kate,” Tessa said. She added a long silent stare to underscore the statement.
He laughed and closed the dishwasher, then he leaned against the counter.
“I like what she’s doing with her image in her posts the past few days,” he said.
“She looks more like how I remember her. Softer and less serious, bubbly even. She used to be so excitable. It was funny to see you together, because you’re so—”
“Careful how you finish that sentence,” she warned, running a dishrag under the hot stream of water.
“Serious,” he said. “You went from being a teenage drama queen to some kind of forty-year-old Karen after Mom died.”
Tessa dropped the rag into the sink, feeling the invisible slap well enough to expect a mark.
“I’m not complaining,” he said. “We all changed. But it felt like losing a mom and a sister.”
“I changed because I was trying to—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Devin interrupted. “I ruined my life. You just kind of started a new one.”
Tessa frowned, haunted by his words. “You didn’t ruin your life,” she said. And she hated that he felt abandoned by her. That wasn’t her intention.
He puffed air through his nose in a humorless laugh. “Potato, po-tah-toe.”
“What is with the Michels men and all these vegetable references?” she asked.
Devin was quiet for a long moment. “Hey, don’t worry about what Dad said earlier. You don’t have to help me find a job. I got myself to this point. I can figure out the rest on my own.”
“Devin—” She paused, unsure what to say next. She wanted to thank him, but that wasn’t the right thing to do, and she didn’t want to disappoint their dad.
He shook his head. “You’re off the hook, okay?”
The door opened, and their Dad poked his smiling face inside. “Who wants s’mores?”
Devin was the first to move.
Tessa followed him onto the patio, wondering if this was the start of a healing journey for all of them, or the moment she’d look back on and wish things had worked out.