Chapter Twenty-Nine #3
He’d lost his mom here, on another floor, in another wing. They’d said goodbye to her every day for months, not knowing if she’d still be there when they returned after school the next afternoon. Always fearing they’d get the call saying that she was gone. Until one day, they did.
“Dad had heartburn,” Devin said, turning his head to look in her direction. “A lot. He rubbed his chest all the time, and I didn’t think anything of it. I took him out for burgers.”
They sat in silence for a long while, tensing at the approach of anyone in scrubs, hoping for news. Praying the news would be good.
Devin rubbed his hands down the fabric of his jeans. “I need to walk. You have your phone?”
Tessa nodded.
“Call if you hear anything?”
Tessa blinked. “How far are you going?”
A visible tremor in his fingers caused a fresh spring of fear in Tessa’s heart. “I’ll come with you,” she said.
He gripped the back of his neck with one hand, shoving the other fist into his jeans’ pocket. “Nah. Stay here. Tell me if anyone comes.” He shot a pointed look at the passing set of women in white coats.
Tessa didn’t want to leave the waiting room, didn’t want to risk missing an update, but she also wouldn’t let her brother struggle alone. Wasn’t struggling alone exactly what he’d been doing until he’d asked to come home? “Where are you going?” she repeated.
“Chapel.” He shifted on anxious feet. “I can’t lose another parent. I’m going to ask for help.”
Tessa stepped forward, closing the gap between them and winding her arms around his narrow waist. She set her head against his chest. The last time she’d hugged her little brother, they’d been nearly the same height.
Now, he was a grown man. No longer a child.
Not a grieving teen or a hurting kid. He was a man in pain, struggling to prepare for the unthinkable while battling a demon larger than anything she could comprehend.
“He’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “We’re going to be okay. ”
His stifled sob splintered her heart into pieces. When his arms circled her and tightened, she embraced her role of big sister and held him tightly as he wept.
Tessa spent the rest of the day at the hospital. Thankfully, her dad was going to be just fine. A surgical complication had added to the length of the procedure, but they had no reason to believe he wouldn’t make a full and complete recovery.
Tessa’s heart had never been so full of gratitude.
Devin went to meet with his local AA sponsor, leaving her alone with their dad.
She held his thin hand in hers as he slept, unwilling to let go. His skin felt cool and soft where calluses had once seemed permanent. It wasn’t fair that life could be so fleeting. Or that they could argue about his diet one moment, then potentially face an eternity apart in the next.
“I love you, Daddy,” she whispered, feeling small and afraid, despite being a grown woman and knowing he was on the mend. “I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you about your diet sooner.”
The familiar words of apology pulled her to a mental halt. This wasn’t her fault. Yes, she wished he hadn’t had a heart attack, but the guilt in her bones ran far deeper. And it didn’t make any sense.
She was a good daughter. One that toed the line and lightened his load every way she could. She’d been doing it all her life. A small puff of humorless laughter broke on her lips. She sat back in the chair, chasing the terrible epiphany.
As a child, she’d tried not to upset her dad, because her mom already had that in the bag.
As a teen, she’d tried not to upset Alice for fear she might leave like her biological mom had.
When Alice died, Tessa swallowed her grief to make room for Dad’s and Devin’s grief.
She became the calendar keeper, grocery shopper, cook, and maid.
She’d gotten perfect grades and scholarships to college, all while suffering silently.
And she’d continued to worry about both men every day of her life.
None of that weight had been hers to carry. Why had Dad let her?
A flicker of anger presented itself, and she added one more revelation to the pile.
Even though she’d never admitted it, and she hated admitting it now, she was pissed at her father. He’d ignored her needs and turned away from her when she’d needed him. He was a good dad, but he’d messed up, and both things could be true at the same time.
It’d taken thirty-some years to bring the truth to the surface. Now, what would the heroine of her story do about it?
Two days later, she left her dad at the hospital for the final time.
According to the doctors, Devin could take him home, and Tessa would soon have to tell her dad about the anger she’d carried all these years.
She wasn’t looking forward to it. Every people-pleasing ounce of her said it wasn’t worth upsetting him.
Look at how their last tough conversation turned out. Why not leave it alone?
Because healing doesn’t happen by ignoring the problem, she thought. And staying angry would only drive a wedge between them.