Chapter 17
The store is extra busy for a Thursday and the strained grin on Lily’s face tells me it’s been this way all morning.
“You took longer than I thought you would,” she says through gritted teeth as I walk around the counter to stand next to her and help her with the line of people waiting to purchase their books.
I’d meant to only take a shower and change my clothes, but I guess last night wore me out more than I realized.
“Sorry. I fell asleep for a bit.”
“Well,” she turns slightly so she’s more whispering to me than talking aloud. “He’s in the office. People know he’s here. The fandom is starting to just show up.”
“The event isn’t for weeks,” I whisper back.
“Yeah, these are the diehard fans who found out he’s here. Not the ones coming for the event.”
I look down at the book in my hand that I had picked up to help Lily scan. It’s one of Noah’s older titles.
“Is he okay?” I ask.
Lily rings up the next sale. “Lying low. Shave and a haircut knock and he’ll get out of sight for you to walk in. But I need you back out here in like five minutes. There are a lot of people in this store, Em. A lot.”
I walk to the door and give the knock. I can hear him move about. When I think it’s safe, I open the door and step inside.
Noah is up against the wall next to the door so that no one sees him when I push it open.
I close the door behind me, and he moves to me, swiftly gathering me up in his arms. “I’m disrupting your business,” he says pressing a kiss to my neck.
He’s disrupting my life.
The warmth of his breath on my skin makes it hard to concentrate. Every ounce of me wants to do nothing more than kiss him all night again, this time unaffected by anything.
“Why all of the sudden is all this attention on you being here?” I ask.
“I think I got your book club all riled up. Someone posted on Instagram about me. Another posted a picture.”
His lips still skim my throat. I can’t have this conversation while he’s doing this, but I absolutely don’t want him to stop.
“Why,” I breathe out. “Why now? Does this happen all the time?”
“Only once in a while. They just announced a movie deal too, and?—”
I finally push him back so I can look at him. “A movie?”
“Yeah, Caught in the Crossfire ’s movie rights were sold and it just was green lit.”
“Why are you so nonchalant about it?” My voice shakes and it’s not even my book or my movie.
His finger traces my collarbone. “Why get excited?”
I think about his reaction to his New York Times Best Seller listing. How can I be a big deal to him if nothing else is?
“I don’t understand,” I say.
Noah eases back to look at me. “What’s to understand? I wrote a book and now it’ll be a movie.”
“You don’t even care that it’s a bestseller.”
“Sure I do. I’ll earn out my advance earlier.”
“You know some of us would like just even a taste of this success you’re having, and you don’t care,” I say, my voice filled with an accusation I didn’t know stirred in me.
His eyes scan over me. “I don’t take it for granted. I just don’t get worked up over it.”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “Fuck. I’m sorry. That came out of nowhere.”
“Emma, what’s up?”
“I’m jealous of you and it doesn’t even make sense.”
I push my palms against his shoulders and move from beneath him. How refreshing that in my fifties I can just blurt out those things that stir me up and bother me. Even when no one has asked or when I think it’s a problem. God, this is ugly.
“Why are you jealous?”
“I can’t even finish a book I’ve been writing for thirty years. And it’s so easy for you that it doesn’t even matter.” The words are vile dripping off my tongue, and yet, there they go. It’s like a faucet of emotion just opened up, and I’m overflowing.
“Of course it matters and it isn’t easy,” he defends. “I don’t write for just a job. I put a lot of blood sweat and tears into my books. It’s all I have,” he emphasizes the words hard and they sting, and they shouldn’t.
“Don’t make me feel stupid. I’m being vulnerable with you,” I spit out the words.
“Sweetheart,” he says, reaching for my hand. “I don’t want to make you feel anything but happy. What’s going on?”
I have to dig pretty deep to even understand my attitude and where it’s really coming from.
It’s coming from the fact that the last person to shower me with attention and affection gave up on me.
It has to do with the fact that I’m in my fifties, and I’ve been alone for so long that all of this confuses me.
It has to do with watching a man live my dream, and him not caring about the successes of it.
“What are we doing?” I finally say when I’m done sifting through my thoughts.
“We’re having a fairly intense conversation,” he says.
“I mean you and me. We just met. You leave in three weeks. Why are we touching and kissing? Why are we even sharing the same space?”
Noah pulls his bottom lip through his teeth. “I thought we were interested in one another.”
“I am. We are,” I stumble over my words. “Then it’s over, right? I mean, I don’t think I can do this—get involved and then watch you walk out of my life.”
As I’ve seen him do many times, he runs his fingers through his hair, leaving tunnels where his fingers were. “I’ll pack up my things and head to the hotel,” he says defeated.
Like a child throwing a fit, which I feel I am, I throw my hands up in the air. “No. I don’t want you to do that.”
“I’m getting a lot of mixed signals here, Emma,” he says, his voice strained because of my crazy bantering.
I drop my hands. “I like you. I want to be in your presence and I want to do this thing we’re doing.”
“But?”
“I had a man think I wasn’t enough once. That I was convenient when he needed me. I don’t want another who wants me only because I’m convenient.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“It feels like we’re using each other to fill a hole. Only that hole is going to get bigger. I can’t replace your wife.”
There is a moment of surprise on his face before it eases. “I didn’t ask you to.”
“And you’re going to leave,” I say again, only louder this time.
“So you keep saying.”
Noah moves past me and to the desk where he closes his laptop and slides it into his commuter bag.
“I didn’t mean to upset you by telling you my feelings. I didn’t mean to set you off by any of my successes, and I certainly didn’t mean to disrupt your business either,” he says. “I’ll make sure Katie keeps me in the loop on things, and I’ll be here for the scheduled events.”
There is a knock at the door and I open it slightly to see Lily’s wide eyes. “I need you. We’re slammed.”
I nod and close the door for another moment.
“Don’t go,” I say turning back to him. “I don’t know what got into me, but I want you to stay and work.”
“Emma—”
“I mean it.” I take a breath to collect myself. “What I really want you to do is stock the shelves,” I say letting out a nervous laugh and it causes him to smile. “I’m out of sorts and I need to figure it out.”
“Take the time you need to do that,” he says.
“I don’t have time. That’s the problem,” I say as I open the door and walk back out into the store.