Chapter 40
Noah did what he could to compose himself, and introduce me to his wife’s—late wife’s—family. But to say the grace of the moment fell short would be an understatement. He didn’t even stand near me as he fought to even remember my name.
Her family, however, was gracious—or came across as being so as he introduced me as the owner of the store.
But now, I’m full of extra nerves sitting with Rachel in the restaurant of the hotel while he’s showing his in-laws around my town.
“I’m glad Noah couldn’t make it,” Rachel says as she sets her napkin in her lap when our meals are delivered. “I don’t mean that to sound as bad as it does. It’s just that I want to get to know you.”
I follow her lead and drop my napkin in my lap, and then on the floor, nearly hitting my head on the table when I reach to pick it up.
“I’m sorry,” I say on the verge of tears that I somehow manage to swallow down. “I think my mind is in a million different places. I’m not sure I’m good company this week.”
Maybe if I make this all about the event and the time constraints, she’ll cut me some slack.
Rachel picks up her fork, holds it in her fingers, and watches me. “I know the timing is bad for this. You have so many other things going on right now.”
I force a smile to my mouth and pick up my fork. “An hour isn’t a big deal.”
She knows I’m lying. She knows I’m a mess.
Rachel sets her fork back down. “Let’s just cut to the chase, then we can eat and get back to work. This week is going to fly by, isn’t it?” Her voice lifts. My mood plummets.
I don’t want to be reminded of the timeline. Not only will time fly by, but Noah is now distracted. I’ve lost any time I’d have had with him. This week will fly by, and he’ll be gone.
Swallowing hard, I stab a carrot off my plate and shove it into my mouth just to concentrate on something else.
“Your book,” Rachel says, and the emphasis on the word book makes me know that things weren’t as ready as she thought.
She’s about the apologize for wasting my time.
She’s going to give me a pep talk about how to finish it and make it better for some other opportunity.
Somewhere in there she’ll tell me that maybe I can cut my teeth by publishing it myself and assure me that others who are doing that are having great success.
I wonder if she notices when I bite the inside of my cheek instead of the carrot. Now is not the time for a fucking hot flash!
Then I realize she’s been talking this whole time and I haven’t heard a word, only the buzzing in my ears.
“I mean, I know you’re busy, but if we could carve out maybe four hours this week, I know it’ll be ready for me to show it to her,” Rachel says and I blink hard trying to come up with anything she’s said.
There is no recovery from this.
I set my fork down, draw in a breath, and focus on her.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
Rachel’s smile widens. “I want to send your book to an editor that’s acquiring and I think your voice is exactly what she’s looking for.”
I have to blink a few times to put Rachel back into focus.
“You think you can sell my book?” I choke out the question and she smiles as if she understands my reaction.
“I do. Emma, you have a gift. I knew that when Noah sent me the chapters. He knows it too. Writing isn’t for everyone, but those of you who are good at it, well, you set the bar.”
She likes my book. She likes my voice. Noah believed in me.
Noah stole the chapters and sent them without my permission.
Noah did that out of love—okay, maybe lust?
I reach for my glass of water only to find that my hand is shaking so much I’m lucky I don’t spill the entire glass in my lap.
Rachel Anderson likes my book.
“Perhaps this isn’t the right time to sign with an agent,” she says picking up her fork and stabbing a piece of lettuce. “But I’d like to sign you.”
An agent.
I just got an agent!
My glass of water is still sloshing in my hand. “You’re sure?”
She takes the bite and chews thoughtfully, then sets her fork down again and wipes her mouth. “I can’t promise anything, but as your agent, I would do everything in my power to?—”
“Yes,” I interrupt her, set down my glass, and clasp my hands in my lap just to give me the strength to get through this lunch. “I would be interested in you representing me.”
She smiles wide. “Now, full disclosure. I’m just an associate agent, which I’m sure Noah told you. This could be a big break for both of us.”
“Well, you have to start somewhere, right?” I say and my voice is filled with nerves and optimism.
“You’re right.”
Rachel picks up her water glass and holds it out toward me. I will my hands to stop shaking and lift mine.
“Here’s to starting somewhere,” she says and I tap my glass to hers.
As I sip my water I wonder where Noah is right at this moment. I want to share this with him, but in a way that we can enjoy it. I’m very afraid I’m not going to get that opportunity with his in-laws around.
I sip my water again, and pray that I don’t choke on my own doubt. No matter how it came to be, or what happens between us, Noah believed enough in me to share my work and find me Rachel. I need to find the gift in that and be okay with it being all I might have left of him when this week is over.