Chapter NOVA
NOVA
On Monday, while Boone rode with Clint, Ivy joined the girls and me at the park after we picked up Skylar from school. Though my oldest daughter would need a nap soon, she listened patiently while Lyric told her a story in the sandbox.
Smiling at my girls playing together, I considered another child. “I know you and Clint just got married, but have you thought about kids?”
“He’s nervous because of my heart condition, but I would like to start trying next year. It would be cool to have a baby close in age with Elle’s son.”
Nodding, I admitted, “After leaving Chris, I never expected to find anyone or have more kids. Now with Boone, I find myself daydreaming about having his baby.”
“Making a family with the man you love makes sense. I grew up surrounded by dysfunctional people. I didn’t think love like the kind I feel for Clint was possible.
I mean, I saw it in entertainment, but it felt like a fantasy sold to people.
Now that I’m surrounded by people who love that way, I want everything, too. ”
“I feel like I should go wild first and then have a baby.”
“Why choose? Do you think Elle won’t be wild after she gives birth? She was throwing down and riding her motorcycle after Sutter Cane was born.”
Sighing, I admitted, “I still have my stepfamily’s rules drilled into my head.
For them, marriage and motherhood meant giving up my personal needs.
I know it’s not real. Shay and Bebe have hobbies that don’t revolve around their husbands.
I see them living fun lives. The stuff I was taught was bullcrap, but it still clouds my thinking. ”
“Give yourself grace,” Ivy said and snuggled against me.
“We’re both new to this life. I had no friends for so long that sometimes I find myself lonely in the condo when Clint is busy.
I don’t even think to text anyone or go looking for people to hang out with.
It’s a bad habit that I’m working through.
You’ve got your issues, too, but we haven’t even spent a year in Little Memphis yet. ”
Ivy’s words stuck with me after I was back home with the girls. As they napped, I considered how something broke inside me when Dan left South Dakota. I stopped growing as a person in many ways. Those old hurts and hangups were clouding my current relationship with him.
I found my brother in the backyard. Lula stood at the fence, talking to her dad. Pax was acting out something involving shooting and jumping. Lula kept laughing at whatever story he told her.
Seeing Dan in his cowboy hat, I thought about how miserable he had been in South Dakota. Our maternal grandparents and stepfamilies had stolen his identity and even his hat. He was forced into a box that didn’t fit him.
Settling in a chair next to Dan, I shared his smile. He glanced around, likely looking for Boone. He couldn’t relax when the other biker was around.
“Boone thinks I’m acting out toward you since I wasn’t rebellious as a teenager.”
Rubbing at his bearded chin, Dan muttered, “He thinks that, huh?”
“He says that’s why I act overly affectionate toward him around you. It’s like I’m trying to piss off an authority figure.”
“Well, you have been treating me like your overprotective dad.”
“Well, you do act like an overprotective dad. I feel like you’ve been unreasonable about Boone.”
Dan shifted in his chair and muttered, “Things have happened way too quickly. I know you could say the same thing about Lula and me, but your thing feels different.”
“Because you think I’m not as responsible as you are?”
“Nova, I know you’re responsible, but we’ve gone through a lot of changes over the last year. You moved here to make me happy. I guess I hoped you’d settle into this life for a while.”
Studying my brother’s face shadowed by his hat, I asked in a softer tone, “Why don’t you like Boone?”
“I don’t know him,” Dan said and tensed. “It’s not even that. I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what?”
“If this is a conversation we should have.”
“I’m an adult. I feel like you knew that about me back in Baton Rouge. Lately, you act as if I’m a dummy who needs to be locked away.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “That’s not fair. We’ve lived together for years. I saw how you raised the girls and the way you stayed strong after the shooting. I’ve also seen how you’ve held yourself since we moved here. I respect the woman you are.”
“Then, why can’t we have this conversation?”
Dan rubbed his eyes and seemed ready to shut down. Instead of silence, he blurted out, “I never knew Chris. I don’t know if he seemed like a nice guy. Maybe I would have liked him like I do Boone. Or maybe I would have known Chris was a piece of shit. But I can’t be sure because I wasn’t around.”
Dan’s voice revealed the pain he’d been holding onto for years. I understood he needed to keep our mom and me at a distance if he hoped to build a new life for himself.
“You feel guilty for leaving.”
“No, I feel guilty for not coming back,” Dan said and studied me. “I should have been there for you, but I was frustrated with Laverne. Though she had options, she kept marrying assholes.”
Taking my brother’s hand, I said, “You wanted to save her.”
“Probably, but she kept saying she didn’t need to be saved. And she never told me that you needed saving. Did she know Chris was hurting you?”
“Yes,” I said, remembering how my mom talked about me leaving Chris after Lyric was born. “She planned to help me get my own place.”
“Why not move you into her house?”
“You know why. Mom was messed up in the head about men.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“No, but it was obvious, wasn’t it? When Mom ran off with our dad, her family warned that she was sinning. When he turned out to be a monster, it broke her. Having a husband that her family approved of mattered more than her happiness.”
“Or our happiness.”
Nodding, I felt a pang of grief. “I sometimes believe Mom would be alive if I had gone wild years ago. I think maybe she would have seen herself in me. She might have rebelled against her family.”
“She made her choices.”
“I did, too. No one made me marry Chris. I wanted a husband so much that I didn’t see his red flags.”
As his dark eyes studied me, Dan asked, “What kind of red flags?”
Shrugging, I thought back to how Chris didn’t direct his temper toward me until we’d been married for a few months.
“He would get frustrated about dumb things and hold grudges against people. He hid his ugly side until I was pregnant with Skylar. But I’d seen how he’d feed his resentment toward people rather than shrugging it off. His anger would build and build until he’d get drunk and start a fight at a bar.”
Dan stared as if seeing me for the first time.
“I see now how his constant fighting should have been a warning sign to me, but I thought it was normal for men to act rowdy. But mostly, I didn’t want to see his red flags because marrying Chris meant getting away from our stepfamily.”
“Do you worry you’re missing red flags with Boone?”
“No. Boone doesn’t hide himself from me.”
Dan tipped back his hat slightly and studied me. “Don’t get your back up about what I’m going to say. Just hear me out, okay?”
Once I nodded, Dan said, “Boone lives a dangerous life and has a temper. That’s how he ended up in jail. He might have been railroaded by a corrupt sheriff, but he did throw the punches. Could you be missing red flags because you’re attracted to him?”
“I know Boone is dangerous to bad people, but he’s been patient and sweet to me. He’s also really good with the girls. You’ve seen him.”
“Yeah, but are you ever scared of him?”
“Not even a little bit. I’ve been moody off and on since our first date. No matter how I reacted, Boone never lost his temper or got irritated. Few men could be so patient.”
Dan nodded. “Aren’t you a little worried you’re rushing into a relationship like Laverne did?”
“No, because she was listening to her family, and I’m listening to me.”
Dan wrapped my hand in his. “I’m not your overprotective dad. I know you’re a grown woman.”
“I know, but Boone’s right. I never got to rebel when I was younger. I get urges now to be wild, especially around the foxes.”
Grinning, he asked, “Are you still thinking about getting that tattoo?”
“Yes,” I said and stroked my forearm where the ink would go.
“Look, I know I have hangups after leaving you alone for years and then finding you battered. I also know the shooting will always fill me with guilt. Those are real problems, and I don’t know if I can fix them. But I truly can’t tell if I should trust what’s happening between you and Boone.”
“You aren’t inside the new family I’m creating with Boone.
From the outside, I likely seem impulsive.
Boone probably feels like a stranger shoving his way into your life.
But inside this new family, everything makes sense.
That’s why the girls are crazy about Boone.
I hope that over time you’ll be able to trust Boone like I do. ”
“You deserve a good man. The girls should have a dad,” Dan said and exhaled deeply. “I’ll try to chill out around Boone and see him the way you do.”
“It’s normal to fear I’ll make another mistake like I did with Chris,” I said softly. “But this isn’t just me. Lula and our new friends wouldn’t be okay with Boone mistreating me. They have honor and demand it from others.”
“True. It’s why some of them struggle with trusting Zodiac.
They hear his words and think he can’t care about anyone.
But I know he’s crazy about Elle. No way would he let her so close if he wasn’t.
But they don’t know him, so they don’t trust him.
I guess that’s my problem with Boone. I’ll give him a chance, okay? ”
Hugging Dan, I said, “When I drove up here to see why you hadn’t come back, I was ready to hate Lula. I imagined her as a stuffy bitch who would look down at me. But Lula was great, and I felt silly for thinking otherwise. I’m sure you’ll feel the same way one day about Boone.”
My brother looked at his new wife, and I felt how amazed he remained by her. Dan and I weren’t miserable hermits in Baton Rouge, but we’d kept our dreams small. He never hoped to meet a woman, let alone one like Lula.
Meanwhile, I read my romance novels and fantasized about meeting Mister Right. Deep down, though, I never believed it would happen. I figured if I dreamed small enough, I’d end up happy. Now, having won a man like Boone, I’d never need to dream small again.