Chapter Twenty #2
“Okay,” Eunjin said. “I know I said I have a strong stomach but I actually don’t think I need to hear more.”
“Fair enough,” I said. “I think I’ll be fine soon though. I just hope you don’t get the same thing.”
“Maybe you need to eat more carbs. Oh my god, you know what it is? Haven’t you been going to the pasta bar and mostly getting vegetables? I bet your body isn’t used to that much fiber. It’s used to surviving on penne and garlic knots. Too big of a transition.”
“Wow, okay. Thanks a lot.”
“Don’t rule it out.”
“Okay, enough about my digestive system.” I took a sip of my tea and winced as it burned my tongue. “Let’s do a thought experiment.”
“Okay?”
“What would you do if you were sent to prison?”
“Hm, for how long?”
“I don’t know. Let’s say until you’re thirty. So like eight or nine years.”
“A typical manslaughter sentence.”
“Yes, exactly.” I paused. “Wait, how did you know that?”
“I don’t know. True crime documentaries?”
“Right. Okay. Yeah, let’s say eight or nine.”
“Well, I’d probably try to spend a good portion of that time thinking about the people I hurt and how I would want to do better when I was out.”
I rolled my eyes. “I more meant, what would you do to get your life back together?”
“Hm,” she said. “Well, I think prisons have programs like theater and stuff, right? So I’d just try to join all the activities that I could. Keep my head low, come out with a clean record. Why are you asking? Are you planning to commit manslaughter?”
“Commit manslaughter and get caught, you mean.”
“Ha. Yeah. I mean, if you don’t get caught, then technically you’d just go on living life as usual.
Honestly though, if you were ever arrested, I’d still bet on you somehow turning it into an advantage.
Like I’d still bet on you being way more successful than the average person, even with a felony under your belt. ”
I laughed. “How so?”
“I mean, come on, you’re you. You’d probably uncover some secret talent in prison and then come out of it as a huge success story.
You’d go on all those daytime talk shows as the famous convict-turned-polyglot and sell your life rights or something.
You always said you wanted to learn a bunch of languages but just never had the time, right? ”
“That’s actually really comforting to hear.”
“So why do you ask? Are you planning to rob a bank or something?”
“No, I—” I was about to come up with a lie, but I felt like I was collapsing under the weight of all the information I had been withholding from the people I cared about the most. I was exhausted, as though I actually had the stomach flu.
I found myself telling Eunjin about the police stopping by my dorm and bringing me in for questioning, the fear and claustrophobia I felt in that small little room.
But I held myself back from mentioning anything about Laura.
I pretended that I was only worried about getting charged for illegally purchasing Klonopin.
“Oh my god, Elizabeth,” Eunjin said. “What the fuck? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe because I was ashamed? I’m not sure. But I’m fine now. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m fine.”
“Should you get a lawyer?”
I shook my head, then remembered that she couldn’t see me. “Not yet. If they actually charge me, then yes, but not yet.”
“That’s still terrifying though. Oh my god. I hope you’re okay.”
Just then, Alex arrived in Eunjin’s room.
They were here to pick up some of their things.
Alex asked how we were. I considered lying, but I was overcome with the relief of confessing at least a portion of my worries to Eunjin, and I wasn’t ready to let go of that relief.
I repeated everything about the questioning from the police and the Klonopin.
“Jesus, Elizabeth. That’s terrible,” Alex said. “But I agree that it doesn’t seem like they’re trying to charge you or anything. I think they really were just looking for evidence on Emily. And you said that they let you go after you said the Venmo transaction had been for pizza, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“Yeah, so they were definitely bluffing. I bet that’s the account she uses for those transactions so that’s why they called you in, but there’s no way they can prove that that transaction was for drugs.”
“I just think it’s weird though,” Eunjin said. “Like, if you aren’t the one who committed the big crime they care about, why would they go through the trouble of stopping by your dorm and literally bringing you into the station?”
“Exactly,” I said. “I can’t stop thinking about that part. That’s why I lied about being sick to you guys. I’m not actually sick. I’ve just felt like I’ve been dying from anxiety and I didn’t want to see anyone.”
“Oh, Elizabeth,” Eunjin said. There was a pause, and a couple of seconds later, both of them entered my room, squeezing me while I sat in the chair.
Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried to wipe them away before anyone would notice.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be taken care of, to not feel like I was bearing the weight of the world on my own shoulders.
I knew the feeling was only temporary, but I tried to savor it like the warmth of the sun shining on my face.
“I know this is so stressful, but I wouldn’t be too worried yet,” Alex said, their voice muffled because their mouth was pressed to my hair.
“Maybe it was just the simplest way to get a hold of you. You don’t live in a house, where they could just come in and sit on the couch and ask you questions.
You literally live in a tiny dorm. You’re probably fine. ”
“And what evidence do they have? A silly little Venmo charge?”
“Exactly,” Alex said. “And I’m sure they don’t care about some kid who bought a few Klonopin. They care about the dealer.”
Eunjin handed me a tissue and I wiped away the tears from my face. “Let’s just wait to see what happens,” she said. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
—
Even though Alex and Eunjin’s reassurances provided me some small amount of comfort, I knew I wasn’t out of the woods.
I had only confided the most minor of my legal worries to them.
At any moment I could be pulled into the police station as the prime suspect of a murder case.
Even if Alex were right, they didn’t have the most important context: I had actually played a part in Laura’s death.
There was also the matter of the baby. I promised myself that if the police did charge me with anything, I would get an abortion.
There would be no point in having it anymore, since there was no way that I could go to Harvard Law while also being tried for killing someone.
After Alex and Eunjin’s visit, I stopped pretending to be sick, but found my mind constantly wandering to the hypothetical prison cell where I could be spending the next decade of my life.
I felt like I was dying from the uncertainty of the situation, of the two outcomes that could not be more different from each other: a spot in a prison cell, or a spot at Harvard Law.
Both outcomes were ones you could say I deserved, and I found it ironic that there was no middle ground, that there was no outcome that would match the ambiguity of my own deservedness.
Sometimes, it felt as though every inch of my body were itching from the anticipation, whether the investment I had made in my worldly achievement would prevail or if the karmic retribution from my role in Laura’s death would.
Fate, or probability, or God, whatever you wanted to call it, was presiding over a scale, assessing which side of my deeds she would throw out.
I felt like a maiden from a fairy tale waiting in a quaint cottage for her suitor to return.
How long would I have to wait by the open window to find out my future?
It turned out I was just being dramatic. I did not have to wait very long. The following Thursday, Eunjin ran into my room, cheeks pink with excitement and eyes glued to the phone in her hands.
“Holy shit,” she said, then tossed the phone onto my bed. “Holy shit,” she said again.
“What? Are you okay?”
“They charged someone for manslaughter.”
“They charged who for manslaughter?”
“Someone at Columbia.”
“Wait. What? Someone at Columbia killed someone else?”
“Laura. They charged someone for manslaughter for Laura. We were all wrong, turns out there was foul play.”
It took me a millisecond to make the connection that there was no way they could’ve charged me for manslaughter without me knowing. I was frozen, staring at Eunjin’s face as I waited for my heartbeat to slow down.
“Right? I reacted the same way you did when I found out. And wait, I’m pretty sure you know the girl they arrested. We might’ve bumped into them earlier in the school year but I can’t be sure. Here, let me send you the Spec article,” Eunjin said, pulling her phone out of her pocket.
This is a developing story. Check back for updates.
A Columbia College senior is facing a voluntary manslaughter charge, accused of assaulting and killing a fellow student during a dispute in a dorm room, the police said.
The woman, Gina Lam, 22, was charged on April 16 with first-degree manslaughter in connection with the March 14 death of Laura Kim, who was found unconscious in her dorm room by a friend. She was pronounced dead at a nearby hospital.
Two Columbia College students said they witnessed heated interactions between Kim and Lam. It was common knowledge that the two had “bad blood,” one of them said. The students spoke to Spectator on the condition of anonymity, citing fears of retaliation.
Lam’s attorney declined to comment.