Chapter 3
CASSIE
The next two days pass in a haze. On the outside, I play my roles—the good-natured daughter, the hard-working student—but on the inside I am freaking out.
I don’t think anyone notices my smile is forced, or if they do, they’re too polite to point it out.
I avoid my friends outside of school, though.
I might be able to keep my secret from my parents and co-workers, but the news is too raw and I’m too vulnerable.
If I hung out with friends any more than between class periods, they’d pick up on the change in my demeanor and I’m not sure I could keep the truth inside.
Thank goodness for Tim. I’d be going crazy without him. He’s my confidant and the only person in the world who knows what I’m facing. Yet never once has he made me feel bad. His letters this summer kept me connected to the community I love most. Now his steady presence anchors me from the storm.
As promised, he arranges for a day away from the ranch to drive me down to the Valley.
We find a free clinic in Tempe near the university and I pray we don’t actually run into someone from Wilder Valley.
I couldn’t do this without the anonymity.
As it is, I’m terrified. The second I walk inside the building, everything becomes real.
I’m pregnant.
There’s a baby growing inside me.
In a matter of months, I’ll be a single, unwed mother.
Fuck .
My chest tightens with each inhale, as if there’s an invisible band around my body, squeezing so tightly I fear I might pass out.
Tim’s palm gently presses against my back, nudging me forward and reminding me I’m not alone. I step up to the counter and check in before taking a seat with a clipboard and pen.
My hand shakes as I fill out the forms. Unsure of so many answers. Fearful of the paper trail these documents will leave behind.
I lift my gaze and take in the other women sitting around the room.
We’re strangers, different ages, different races, and yet we all face similar fates.
I wonder about their stories. Do they have a plan for what comes next?
Have they told their families? Are they as scared as I am? Do they regret their decisions?
I have no room to judge. I’m eighteen and pregnant by a man who never wants to hear from me again. But for the first time since seeing those little lines appear on the pregnancy test, I don’t feel as though I’m the only person in the world facing a future they never expected.
A door opens and a short woman with kind eyes calls my name.
I startle from my thoughts and glance down at the forms only partially completed.
“You can finish the forms back here.” The nurse smiles.
Despite her reassurance, my hands shake and fear turns my stomach.
As if he senses my apprehension, Tim reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze.
We stand and begin to walk, but I don’t let him go.
I hold on to his palm as if it’s my lifeline.
Maybe it is. His calm energy has the ability to ground my racing thoughts.
The nurse leads us to an exam room where she asks a lot of questions, takes my vitals, and then we are left to wait again.
There’s nothing but the sound of my own pulse racing to swallow the space.
That and my thoughts. With each breath, the walls close in and the pit of fear in my belly grows.
“I’m scared,” I whisper, desperately needing to break the silence.
“I’m right here,” Tim says.
I exhale deeply, letting some of the tension release from my body.
Gratitude blooms in my chest, chasing away more of the worry.
I don’t know what I would do without Tim.
The door opens and the doctor steps inside, along with the nurse from before.
The appointment moves quickly, and at the end of my exam I’m given so much information a headache forms behind my eyes.
“My best estimate is that you’re somewhere between eight to ten weeks along,” the doctor says. “I know this is a lot to take in, and a lot to consider. But you have limited time to make some important decisions.”
“Decisions?” Tim asks, his brow furrowed as he looks from me to the doctor as I’m handed a pamphlet.
I flip through the pages, scanning the different sections with titles like Becoming a Parent, Is Adoption Right for You, and Abortion Access.
“From what you’ve shared, this pregnancy is unexpected. I want to make sure you know you have options.”
“I want this baby.” There’s a conviction in my voice that even I’m surprised by.
It’s the first time I’ve said the words aloud.
I don’t think I’ve been sure until this moment, but once they’re spoken, the decision settles into my bones with a truth I can’t deny.
I might not have planned this, but for some reason I can’t fully understand, this feels like a sign from the universe.
I shake my head, not quite sure how I’m going to manage raising a baby when I’m fairly certain my parents won’t be supportive.
But still. I want this life inside me. Even if that path is full of unknowns.
“It’s one hundred percent your decision. But just so you know, once you pass the first trimester, your options become limited.”
“I understand.” My fingers spread wide as I rest my palm over my flat stomach. It won’t be long before my skin stretches as my belly grows to accommodate the life inside.
I don’t look at Tim. I’m not sure what he thinks of my decision. He might be supportive. Hell, after today, he might not want anything to do with me, and that would hurt. I could really use a friend for the road ahead. But either way, I can’t consider anyone’s feelings but my own.
“Also, you should know it’s common that many women miscarry within the first twelve weeks. If you experience any cramping or heavy bleeding in the coming weeks, you need to come back into the clinic or see a doctor immediately.”
The idea of losing this baby plants a whole new seed of worry.
A protective instinct as old as time takes root in my bones. I will love and protect this child with every fiber of my being.
When we walk out of the clinic, we’re both silent.
It’s so much warmer down in the Valley, and my forehead beads with sweat by the time we reach the parked vehicle.
Ever the gentleman, Tim opens my door and holds out a hand to help me inside.
He closes my door before walking around the hood of the truck and joining me in the cab.
“Come on,” he says gruffly as he turns the key and the engine rumbles to life. “Let’s get something to eat.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” I can’t read his expression, but he’s already gone out of his way to take care of me today. He doesn’t owe me anything else.
“Well, the way I see it,” He reaches his right arm across the back of the seat as he checks behind the truck before shifting the gears into reverse. “You’re eating for two and I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to starve a child.”
Not for the first time, I’m struck by his kindness. I don’t deserve it. Pressing my lips together, I hold back a smile as I blink back the urge to cry.
“Burgers and fries sound good?”
It actually does. “Yeah. And a shake too.”
“That’s my girl.”
He doesn’t mean it, I’m certain. But the adoration in those words lights me up from the inside.
For a moment, I imagine he’s the father.
That we’re young and dumb and in love. Together against the world.
Silly as it is, I wish it were true. He’s the kind of man who’d step up and do right by his unborn child.
He’s the kind of man I should have given my body and heart to the first time.
Regret tries to sour this moment, but I push it away, refusing to give this baby’s father another thought when he so carelessly tossed us aside.
Determination fills its place and I resolve to do whatever it takes to bring this child into a world filled with love.