3. Nettle Soup #3
I swallowed. It was hard to explain. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to experience sex.
Granted, I didn’t know exactly what it was like, but I’d seen enough examples to have an idea.
I also knew how to please myself just fine, having had a longstanding relationship with a vibrator and some go-to romance novels.
I imagined someone—usually Daniel, though for whatever reason, the figure in my fantasies was often fuzzily featured—touching me the way those men on the page touched their partners.
Taking off my clothes. Putting his mouth on different parts of me.
Sliding a finger or maybe even his erection into me too.
Yeah, my whole body prickled just thinking about it, with excitement as well as something else.
It was the same kind of fear that had accompanied me since childhood, like a parrot on my shoulder.
It came with tasks as small as going to the bodega alone to get my grandfather’s newspaper or when I had to take a city bus for the first time on my own.
And it was definitely there when I did things like start a new job or move to Paris.
It didn’t stop me from doing new things when I had to.
But when they weren’t required…let’s just say it was a significant struggle.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I…do want it. Sex, I mean. One day. It’s just that it’s…”
“It’s what?” Joni asked.
“It’s scary.” My voice was small. “The idea of someone seeing me. All of me. I’d have nowhere to hide.”
I’d never said it out loud, but now that I had, it came as a bit of a relief just to admit that the idea of getting vulnerable with another person terrified me to my core. Still, I braced myself for the typical jeers or condescension I might have received growing up, even if it was out of love.
But instead of making fun of me, Joni reached out and rubbed my arm. Lea looked completely bewildered. For once, she had no idea what to say.
“You wouldn’t be able to hide,” Joni agreed. “But Mimi, neither would they.”
I didn’t answer. Some people were just more comfortable with putting themselves out there. Joni was one of them. I’d never been like that, and I wasn’t sure I ever would be.
“Kay, this is officially getting weird.” Lea grimaced. “Boys, I can handle. But I don’t think I can give my baby sisters sex tips. Both of you are still, like, twelve in my brain.” She started for the back door. “I’ll go round up the kiddos. Be done when I get back.”
We waited until she was gone before Joni turned back to me and rolled her eyes with a grin. “Once a prude, always a prude.”
I chuckled, but couldn’t she call me the same thing?
“The thing no one talks about, though, is how magical it is when you both cross that line,” Joni continued. “Together.”
She wasn’t going to let this go.
“‘Magical’? I thought it was ‘just sex’ for you.”
Joni shrugged. “Well, it’s not ‘magic’ with everyone.
Or pretty much anyone except Nathan, actually.
When we’re together, it’s like the deepest, most secret part of me is on display, and so is his.
But we’re seeing each other, right? And it really is fucking magic, Mimi.
Love isn’t love if it’s not honest like that.
Nathan knows all of me, and he loves me for it. Just like I love him the same way.”
I squeezed my hands, weaving my fingers tightly together. Part of me wanted what she was describing so badly, I wanted to scream. But another part was strung up with panic.
The thing she didn’t talk about was the risk.
“Nathan loves you now. But what would you have done if you had shown those parts of yourself and he hadn’t?
Or even worse, if he didn’t accept you?” I shook my head.
“You thought he didn’t at first. You came all the way to Paris and basically decomposed in my bed for two months because you couldn’t handle the rejection, and that was after knowing Nathan for, what, six months? ”
“Nine,” Joni corrected me, though she seemed to understand my point.
“I’ve known Daniel Lyons for ten years . If I took a chance like that, and he rejected me…” Just the thought was paralyzing. “I don’t think I could handle it.”
My sister considered my words for a long time. Then looked toward the door, in the direction Nathan had gone. It was a brief glance, but her yearning was palpable. Like just talking about this bond had her craving it like a junkie.
I wasn’t sure I wanted that either. That sort of dependence seemed dangerous.
“It’s hard to explain, but I think when you find the right person, sometimes you can find your courage too,” she said.
“Not every relationship is like mine, but I was lost until I met Nathan. We had to go through a lot to get here, but he makes me feel like I can do anything. Like I needed to meet him to become the person I always wanted to be.”
She didn’t need to point out that for the last year, I’d been trying to find that person in myself too. Most of the steps had been taken. There were just a few more obvious ones to go.
“It’s just a party, Mimi. A boy you liked asked you out. All you need to do is say yes. You can worry about the next step when you get there.”
She had a point. I had a long history of putting carts before horses, making mountains out of mole hills, and every other over-reactive cliché there was.
I sighed. “Fine. I’ll go. But I want your opinion on my dress options. I don’t want anyone to see me at this thing and think the word ‘nun.’”