Chapter 17
Rika
My ears are ringing, and my entire body feels cold, like I've sunk my hands in a bucket of ice.
And yet my face feels on fire.
I can't believe I've been this stupid. Of course he's looking for an out. What kind of guy wants to be saddled with a single mom and her kids?
A cold fish. That's what Mitchell always called me when we fought. I bet that's what Noah sees, too, when he looks at me.
Noah's words bounce around in my skull as I stare at his phone like it might suddenly rewind itself and unspool a different message. Something harmless. Something that doesn't make my chest feel like it's caving in on itself.
The silence between Noah and me is suffocating.
The sound of my own pulse hammers in my ears like a warning bell I should have heard weeks ago.
I can feel Noah's eyes on me, waiting. I know that what I say next will change everything. I also know I have no choice.
But it hurts so bad, I'm afraid I'll just burst open at the seams and bleed out, right here and now.
The wineglasses he set down moments ago sit untouched between us, condensation already forming on the glass. My hands have gone cold. My wings are rigid against my back, the tips trembling with a tension I can't release.
I can't look at him.
If I look at him, I'll see hope in his face. And hope is the most dangerous thing I can face right now.
So I force myself to speak.
"I can't tell you what to do and not do with your career." I hate the sound of my voice when it comes out cold and even. "Or your life."
Noah shifts beside me. I can feel the heat of his body even though he's not touching me.
"Rika, you telling me what you want is not the same as telling me what to do. Don't you want me to stay?"
"I can't make that decision for you," I continue. "But if you choose to go, I would appreciate it if you finish the school year with the children."
There's a pause, long enough that I risk a glance up.
Noah's expression is guarded now, his hazel eyes searching my face like he's looking for something. When he doesn’t find it, his jaw tightens.
"I've already committed to stay with you for the school year," he says slowly. "I would never go back on my word."
His word. His promise. The promise he made to a cold, unfeeling woman.
"I appreciate it," I hear myself say. My hands are shaking, so I clasp them together on the table.
Noah scoffs and runs a hand through his hair. My eyes stray to his biceps and a fresh shoot of pain runs through my chest. He's so handsome. How could I have ever thought he could be seriously interested in me?
"Rika, I'm not interested in leaving." Noah's eyes narrow. "I have a life here."
"Do you?" I can't stop myself now. The words are spilling out, cold and logical, like I'm presenting a business case instead of dismantling my own heart. "You're working part-time for my mother and part-time for me. That's not sustainable long-term, and you know it."
Noah steps closer, and I feel the air shift between us. His voice drops, quieter but more intense.
"Are you trying to talk me into leaving?"
My throat closes up. The question is quiet. Dangerous.
I don't answer.
"I'm trying to be realistic," I manage.
"Bullshit." Noah's voice is sharp now, frustrated. "You're trying to push me away."
The accusation lands like a slap. My heart slams against my ribs so hard it hurts.
"I don't want to leave, Rika." His hazel eyes lock on mine, and the intensity in them makes my breath catch.
"So the only question is, do you want me to stay, or are you glad you have an excuse to push me away?
Because I can't keep doing this for long," Noah continues, his voice rough.
"Hiding and sneaking around. Only allowed in pieces of your life.
I need a real, open, committed relationship. "
The walls close in, and I take a step back, my head spinning with feelings I don't understand.
"I told you I don't want to disrupt the kids' lives again. I need more time to be sure."
"I'm sure, Rika." His voice cracks slightly as he looks at me with an intense, almost pleading gaze. "I want you. I want the kids. It's not even a question for me."
The words land like a knife between my ribs.
I stare at him, and my throat is so tight I can barely breathe. I want to answer. I want to tell him he's wrong, that this isn't about fear, that I'm just being practical.
But I can't. Because he's right.
Noah presses on, his voice raw and vulnerable in a way that makes my chest ache.
"Do you feel anything deeper for me? Anything beyond the sex?" He swallows hard. "Because I'm in love with you, Rika. I've fallen completely. And I can't keep pretending this is anything else."
The world stops.
I'm in love with you.
The words hang in the air between us, beautiful and terrifying, and for one terrible, perfect moment, I want to say it back.
I want to tell him I love him too. That I'm terrified because I've never felt this way about anyone, not even Mitchell. That when I'm with him, I feel like I'm finally allowed to breathe.
But I can't.
The words won't come.
Instead, I hear myself quietly say, "I'm sorry."
Any hope Noah had appears to leach from his face, replaced by something harder. More guarded. He takes a step back and his jaw is so tight the tendons in his neck are standing out. I feel the distance between us open like a chasm.
Panic rises in my chest.
"I told you from the start," I say, filling the silence with words I don't mean. "The kids would always come first. I can't promise you anything beyond what we already have. I need to protect my family. I can't afford to take risks."
"This isn't about the kids." Noah's voice is steady, but there's an edge of anger underneath. "The kids are fine. They want me around. Zoe already told you we should date. Matthew adores me. You know that."
He takes another step back, away from me, and I can see the hurt and frustration warring in his eyes.
"This is about you and what you feel for me." Noah crosses his arms and stares at me, unflinching and direct. "You need to decide now. Do you feel the same way about me that I feel about you?"
My wings snap tight against my back, and there's a painful knot in my throat that I have to push down.
"This, whatever this is, it's over." My words come out strangled. "It has to be. It's not fair to you, and it's not sustainable for me. I'm ending it before it gets worse."
Noah stares at me for a long moment, and I watch something break in his expression.
Then his voice drops, low and dangerous. "Was it ever more than sex for you?"
The question tears through me.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
I want to lie. I want to tell him it was just physical, that he was convenient, that I never felt anything real.
But the words won't come.
So I say nothing.
The silence stretches between us, thick and suffocating.
Noah's expression hardens. "Right."
I turn toward the door. My legs feel shaky, my wings trembling, but I force myself to move. I need to get out of this apartment before I break completely.
Noah's voice stops me. "If you walk out that door, it's done."
I freeze, my hand on the doorknob.
"I'm not doing this halfway," he says, his tone flat and final. "I'm not going to keep loving you in secret while you hold me at arm's length. If you leave, it's over."
My hand tightens on the cool metal of the doorknob.
Mitchell's voice bounces around in my head.
Frigid. Ice queen. No man would want you unless you paid him.
I hear myself say, barely above a whisper, "I know."
And then I open the door and walk out into the cool night air.
Behind me, the door clicks shut. Outside, the night is still and quiet.
Inside, I feel like I'm shattering into a million pieces.
And the worst part, the part that makes me want to scream, is that I did this to myself.
I pushed away the only man who ever made me feel whole.
And now I'm alone.
Just like I always knew I would be.