Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Crossed Wires
My back’s against a tree as I sit on the dune cliffs overlooking the lake, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the waves washing up along the shore. It’s the most peace I’ve felt all morning, all things considered.
It took a few hours to walk off my anger and find serenity, but it feels like it’s being held together with duct tape and a ball of string.
I know I’ll have to go back and face everyone eventually, but how the hell am I supposed to explain what happened this morning? I can’t pretend everything’s fine when it’s so obvious it’s not. Luke and I are stuck here together until Monday. I don’t know how we’ll manage it.
There was a brief moment when I considered packing up my stuff and going home early, leaving him to fend for himself. One of the others could drive him home, so it’s not like he’d be stranded, and it would be an easy out from this mess… But that feels too extreme to actually consider.
Besides, this is my camping trip with my friends.
If I can’t make up with Luke, I can at least try to salvage the trip with the rest of them.
That’s the whole point of being up here.
And, honestly, fuck Luke if he thinks he can mess up the one good thing I look forward to every year by being an asshole.
Even if he is an unforgivably pretty one.
I’ve been alone out here all morning, working through my hurt and anger, trying to put it away.
Part of me wonders when Marcus will come looking for me.
It’s the kind of thing he typically does, his pep talks always bringing me back to good.
So, when I hear a twig snapping behind me, I open my eyes and turn, expecting to see him coming to drag me back to camp.
I’m shocked to see Luke heading toward me instead.
My stomach drops, my chest tightening, and my mind reels with all the possible ways this will end badly. I’m paralyzed as he walks up and stands right next to me, staring out across the lake before sitting down, all without saying a word.
He’s changed clothes, my hoodie discarded for a floral-patterned tank top and khaki shorts, with a pair of blue-checkered Vans that perfectly accent the fit.
I hate myself for noticing how attractive it makes him look with his bare arms showing.
Apparently, I’m a fucking masochist. That’s a fun discovery.
I watch him warily, bracing myself like I’m waiting for the impact of a tsunami wave that’s bound right for me.
“You’re a hard person to find,” Luke says first, throwing me off at how calm he sounds. Where’s the brimstone and vitriol? The unyielding venom?
He turns to look at me when I don’t answer, his eyes searching my face like he’s expecting to find something there that I can’t even begin to comprehend. After a minute, he sighs, looking back out at the lake again.
“Are we going to talk about it?” he asks coolly. Cool as a fucking cucumber, only I know he’s equipped with razor-sharp talons ready to shred me to pieces at a moment's notice.
I frown, swallowing hard. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
Luke laughs, the sound bitter. He shakes his head and turns his eyes to me again. “What do you want from me, man?”
“I don’t want anything from you, Luke. I really don’t.”
“Bullshit.”
“Look, what’s done is done,” I snap. “I can’t go back and undo it, and I won’t apologize because I’m not sorry.
I took a leap, and it didn’t pay off. So, let's move on and pretend like it never happened. Hate me if it makes you feel better, but I just want to get through this weekend. Then you can never talk to me again if that’s how you want to be. ”
“I don’t understand.”
“What could you possibly not understand?” My temper’s rising, the embarrassment making my skin crawl. I feel like I’m being rejected all over again here. Wasn’t once enough?
“I don’t appreciate being used like some fucking piece of meat you can experiment with,” Luke shouts, his hands balled into fists in his lap.
“What?” My brows furrow.
“I don’t deserve to be treated like something you can play with when it’s convenient for you. Just because you’re drunk doesn’t make it okay to use me like that.”
My chest tightens at his words. Is that really what Luke thought it was? A drunken mistake? That I was only looking to get off?
“Do you seriously think that little of me?” I scoff. “When have I ever acted like I wanted to use you just to experiment? Jesus, Luke. I’m not like that.”
“I don’t know that, Ethan. I’ve only known you a month.” He rubs a hand over his face agitatedly. “To me, it seemed like you were acting on a drunken impulse to get your kicks making out with the gay guy like it’s a novelty.”
I frown, searching Luke’s face sadly. “Is that really what you think I did?”
Luke sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know… Your friends seem to think you’re incapable of being insincere, which is why I’m here now, trying to find out what happened.”
The blood drains from my face, my stomach dropping. “You didn’t tell them about….”
“No.” Luke shakes his head quickly. “No, I’m not stupid. Whatever the hell last night was, I won’t broadcast it to everyone. That’s between you and me. But they all turned to me when you left, demanding to know what happened, and we started talking.”
“What did you tell them?” I ask, releasing a shaky breath of relief.
Luke turns to me, hesitating. “That you played a cruel joke on me.” I can’t hide the hurt from my face at the accusation, and Luke’s expression softens. “That’s what it felt like, anyway, because it doesn’t make sense.”
I laugh humorlessly. “It was pretty simple to me. We went to the beach. I thought we were having a moment, and I kissed you. I misread the situation and fucked everything up. End of story.”
Luke studies me silently, like he’s trying to read my thoughts or glean some missing information. I can almost see the wheels of his brain turning. Then he sighs and drags his hands down his face.
“You didn’t misread anything,” he says softly, gazing across the lake absently.
Now, it’s my turn to stare as my brain registers what I just heard. Did he say I didn’t misread it? So, I’m not crazy. Luke was on the same page as me. He wanted me to kiss him. But if that’s the case, then what the fuck has all of this been for?
“Then why did you push me away?”
“Because you told me you were straight, Ethan!” Luke exclaims.
“Well, I’m not!” I snap back with the same intensity.
He shakes his head in disbelief. “Then why did you tell me you were?”
“Because!” I groan, exasperated. My cheeks burn with embarrassment, and I put my hands on them, trying to dispel the heat. “I thought I was when you asked me.”
“What does that—”
“I’m bi, okay?” I interrupt him sharply, the confession like broken glass in my mouth. “I didn’t tell you that when you asked because I didn’t know. I only figured it out recently.”
Luke gapes at me. I stare back, knowing I just bared my soul, and now I’m waiting for the proverbial axe to fall on my neck.
I bury my face in my hands as the embarrassment threatens to take me over.
It wasn’t the most elegant way I would have preferred to reveal the truth, but now that it’s in the open, I can’t deny the weight that has been lifted off my chest.
“Does that mean…” Luke starts, shaking his head like he’s clearing away cobwebs. “Am I the reason you figured out you were bi?”
God, kill me now. Strike me down right here on the spot and save the universe the trouble of having to exist with me in it.
Let me die on the beach in a freak tidal wave instead of having to answer this question.
Maybe send that bear my way so he can still have that good meal he deserves and rid me of this nightmare.
My face flushes as I look away, unable to meet Luke’s eye.
“Well, that certainly explains a lot.” He chuckles softly. When I turn my head back to look at him, he’s giving me a smile that isn’t patronizing or judgmental, just warm and understanding. It eases some of the pain of my embarrassment.
“I wanted to tell you as soon as I realized it, but then I was freaking out because… Well, I was worried you’d react exactly like you did when I kissed you.
” I run a hand through my hair. “Although, I wasn’t expecting you to be quite as mean about it as you were.
” I eye him sidelong and see him flinch.
“Sorry,” he grumbles. “I know I have kind of a fiery temper.”
“And you’re incredibly petty,” I agree emphatically.
“And vindictive.” Luke nods.
“You can be a real fucking dick.”
Luke lets out a full-bodied laugh. “And I'm a fucking dick. I know. I overreacted, okay? I see that now. I’m a very emotive person, and sometimes, it can get me in trouble. But I didn’t realize what was happening. You can’t blame me for being cautious now that you know what I was concerned about.”
I sigh. “No, I don’t. If I wasn’t such a fucking coward, I could have been more straightforward.”
We’re quiet as the truth washes over us, and the tension eases to a comfortable silence.
For the first time since last night, it feels like it did with us before all this happened.
At the very least, I’m relieved it wasn’t entirely my fault things went the way they did, but it doesn’t fully heal the wound to my ego.
“You know, I thought I was imagining things,” Luke says after a while, his lips curling up in a faint smile at one end, and his eyes turn to me, holding me captive.
“I kept getting these weird ideas like you were hitting on me, but I thought it was all in my head. I had to remind myself that I was the one crushing hard on a straight dude and just wanting to see you reciprocate.”
My breath catches in my throat, and a spark of hope suddenly reignites in my chest at his words. I was the one crushing hard…
“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Luke continues with a sheepish grin. “Although it never ends well when that happens. I thought I was smarter than that at this age, but you made it incredibly easy to like you, which complicated things.”