Chapter 27 #3
Luke’s voice wavers, and it doesn’t take a giant leap of the imagination to realize he’s not talking about me anymore.
He’s speaking of his own experience. Was this truly the kind of treatment he was exposed to as a kid?
Suddenly, the morose and fatalistic humor takes on a new meaning when I recognize it for what it is—a coping strategy meant to help him survive on his own when it seemed the world was against him.
No wonder he’s so averse to people having his back.
A history of people telling you that you’re wrong for existing tends to do horrible things for your ability to trust.
Even though my situation isn’t the same as his, my soul cries out in understanding of his pain.
Only someone who has ever reached that kind of low can know the deep scars it leaves behind to have survived the worst of it.
Lord knows I’ve felt that pain in my own right, even if it was for different reasons.
“I refuse to let that happen to you,” Luke adds, resolutely placing his palm on my chest, almost like a physical shield over my heart.
“It won’t,” I say with conviction, gripping his fingers and holding his hand to me tightly.
“I’ve already been to that place and came out on the other side.
Nothing an asshole like Frank could do would put me back there.
Okay? You don’t need to worry about me. It would suck, but I can handle it if it happens. ”
Luke searches my face quietly, like he’s trying to assess if I’m telling the truth, before nodding and pulling his hand away.
“I thought I was done with all this fucked up bullshit.” He groans, dragging his hands down his face. “It’s been years. Why won’t he just let this go?”
His words suddenly spark a question I had earlier but couldn’t voice downstairs. “Is that what you meant before?”
“When?”
“When you said you and Frank know better than that. Did something…happen?”
Luke flinches like I’ve just struck him. He turns away from me, dragging a hand through his hair. “You caught that….”
“I might have missed it if Frank hadn’t reacted like he did.”
Luke walks across the room, out of arm's reach. His posture is rigid, shoulders tense. I get the sense this was the last question he had hoped I would ask, but now that it’s out there, he can’t ignore it.
“If I tell you, you have to promise it never leaves this room,” he says gravely. “And you have to promise you won’t judge me for it.”
I frown. “Is it really that bad?”
“Promise me, Ethan. Please,” he begs, and my heart jolts at the desperation in his voice.
“Of course, Luke. I promise.”
Luke nods and takes a shaky breath, firming up his resolve.
Whatever he’s about to say is clearly difficult for him to talk about, and I long to move closer and comfort him somehow, but his body language tells me he doesn’t want that right now.
So I don’t move, keeping the distance he’s placed between us.
“Frank and I have…history,” Luke says after a minute.
“Like, the two of you….” I start, but I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence.
Can’t wrap my head around what it really means.
It seems I don’t need to say the words, though, as Luke nods his head once, confirming my inference is correct.
My jaw drops, and a flabbergasted noise escapes my throat against my control.
Luke flinches, and I instantly feel like shit for not holding the reaction back.
“Look, it was a weird time in my life,” he defends.
“Frank had always been weirdly obsessed with me. I didn’t understand why he always picked on me—why he was so interested in making my life a living hell.
Until I did. When my dad died, I got reckless.
Stupid. I was just so angry. It was complicated, and I had no outlet to release my rage.
So I went looking for a fight because I thought it might make me feel something good again to get it out.
“I found him alone one day after school. It was unusual because Nick and Henry were always shadowing him, but this time, they were gone. I didn’t think before I punched him.
Years of built-up resentment and frustration went behind it, and even though I wasn’t very strong, I sent him flying on his ass.
It quickly turned into an all-out brawl, and somehow, we were both rolling on the ground, and he managed to pin me down.
And there was a moment when he froze… He just looked at me, and I knew what it meant. ”
Luke turns his eyes to me, a pained expression on his face, but he’s not seeing me. He’s staring through me as he relives the memory. After a minute, he shudders, coming back to the present. His eyes meet mine, and there’s so much anguish there that my heart breaks for him.
“It wasn’t gentle or sweet.” Luke swallows. “And it was my first time ever… But I didn’t say no, and he wasn’t asking.”
I don’t stop to think before crossing the room, grabbing Luke, and pulling him close to me in a crushing hug.
His breath catches in his throat at my touch, and the little cry that escapes his lips tells me he was expecting a different reaction.
His whole body is shaking, but he doesn't push me away, even as tears come to his eyes. Instead, he clings to me like he’s found a life raft in a bottomless ocean, and I hold him more tightly, wishing there was some way I could erase his pain.
Luke lets out a shaky breath and continues.
“It went on like that for a couple of months afterward. It was toxic as shit, and we never talked about it. There was just this weird unspoken agreement that that was our life now. Fighting and fucking in secret. We were only fourteen, mind you. But it wasn’t good or healthy, and when I finally decided that I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him no.
I told him I was done. I wouldn’t do it anymore.
But he didn’t take it well. The bullying got worse. More physical. Crueler.”
“That’s why he outed you,” I say softly, groaning with the realization. “To everyone. In retaliation for breaking things off with him?”
“And as insurance for himself.” Luke nods. “Anything I’d say that might incriminate him after that would look like a lie—like I made it up trying to get back at him.”
“Fuck, Luke. I didn’t realize it was that bad for you. Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”
Luke looks at me and sighs, searching my face with a raw sort of vulnerability, and I can’t help but brush my thumb over his cheek. He leans into the touch, but his eyes never leave my face.
“It’s not my proudest moment,” he murmurs.
“And it’s not the kind of thing you want to share with someone you first meet, either.
It fucked with my head for years. I couldn’t even talk about it until I was twenty and found a really good therapist who helped me deal with the trauma.
I still don’t like to relive the memories, but I’m past the danger of letting them ruin me.
I’ve moved on from that time in my life.
Tried to make peace with it. Apparently, he hasn’t. ”
He puts his hands on my chest, staring at me intently.
“But if he tries to hurt you like he hurt me,” he says firmly. “I’m more than willing to burn the world to the ground to make sure he pays for it.”
Something about the promise behind his words sets a fire in my chest, and I pull him in for a kiss, soft and deep.
It’s the only way I can think to thank him—to comfort him.
He melts into me like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, and that space in my heart that already knows I’m in love with him blooms to dangerous new heights.
But now the anger I feel toward Frank for all of this burns like an inferno in my soul, and I want to make him pay somehow for the things he’s done. To make him suffer for the harm he’s caused.
The thought that Luke had to deal with this kind of burden all on his own tears at my chest. But now, come what may, Luke won’t ever have to deal with it alone again. I’ll make sure of it.