Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-Three
Confessions
Idon’t know what to expect walking into Lucky’s with Marcus. He tells me how Ben and Eric didn’t know about Luke and me until earlier this week—pretty much until the day I quit. I guess I made enough of a scene that day that now the whole town knows about us. Typical.
The moment the guys see me, they break out into cheesy grins and start ripping on me like they always did when I brought home any new girlfriend.
Except this time, they’re hyping me up for bagging such a hot dude.
It’s a little bizarre and yet entirely normal.
Their comments are complete with the classic raunchy jokes and remarkably invasive questions I choose not to answer.
Once that settles, they both tell me very seriously that they’re happy for me.
There’s no awkwardness or confusion. Just pure and total respect.
It’s a lot to take in before I’ve even had a drink.
Except, I’m worried that I’m not going to get one. As soon as Chrissy saw me come in, she went deathly pale and has avoided coming to our table ever since. It’s not that busy in here tonight, but it’s taking her an unusually long time to assemble our drinks and bring them over. I can guess why.
Eventually, when she does meander over, she smiles timidly while setting down a tray and passing the glasses around.
“Hi, boys,” she greets, looking at the others warmly.
When she gets to mine, she hands it over slowly and turns to look me straight in the eye, her smile faltering.
But it’s not with malice as much as sadness.
“Hi, Ethan,” she says somewhat demurely.
I hesitate. I’d have bet money that she’d never want to speak to me again. “Hi, Chrissy. You all right?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” she asks me softly, giving the others a sheepish glance. “Privately.”
My brows arch with surprise. This was not what I was expecting.
But I don’t argue. I stand up from the chair and follow her to the bartop.
She grabs a seat at the very end, far enough away so no one can hear us talk over the music and ambient chatter.
I sit beside her, angling my body away from her so it doesn’t look like we’re getting cozy.
She’s quiet for a moment, and I can almost see her formulating her words in her head.
I go to speak, but she puts a hand up to stop me.
“Before you say anything,” she starts, “I need to get this off my chest.”
“Okay.” I frown.
“Ethan, I’m sorry,” she says, and immediately, tears come to her eyes. “Damn it. I didn’t think this was gonna make me cry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. No, it’s not okay. I was so cruel to you.
” She takes a deep breath, swallowing hard.
“Ever since that night, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about everything that happened…
Everything I said. I don’t know that person.
I don’t like who she was. I’ve never been that mean to anyone in my life.
“I’ve thought about it a lot, and I think I’ve got some major hangups left over from my momma and the way she raised me.
It’s not an excuse. But I… I just want you to know for context.
My momma always taught me to love my neighbor.
Except how she’d treat certain people told me that some of our neighbors weren’t a part of that code, and I learned that lesson, too.
Even if she never said the words out loud.
“I don’t think I ever really questioned that as a child.
I just accepted that we loved people who looked like us or had our values and that anyone who fell outside of that deserved to burn in hell.
I had no reason to examine it more than that.
But then, I’ve never actually gotten to know anyone who was gay before…
At least I realized I didn’t think I knew anyone who was gay before you.
I mean, I knew Luke from school, but I always stayed clear away from him.
I never tried to know him. Now, I think back to that time in my life and realize that wasn’t very Christian of me.
“But you’re still the same person I’ve known all these years.
Just because you’re…attracted to men doesn’t change who you are.
I see that now. Every time I think about how hurt I felt like you’d lied to me about it, something just felt wrong.
You’d asked if I was more upset about the fact that you and Luke were dating or if I was upset that you weren’t interested in me, and that really struck a chord.
I think that was my biggest problem. I couldn’t understand how you’d choose a guy over me.
It made me stop and think about my view on the whole thing, and…
Well, I’m still not entirely comfortable with it, but…
I wanna be. I’m trying to be. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope you’ll forgive me, and I ask that you be patient with me while I work on it. ”
I study Chrissy closely, processing her words and the sincerity behind them.
I’d be a fool not to see the progress she’s made, even if she hasn’t reached total acceptance.
I’m actually shocked to hear she’s made that kind of mind-blowing breakthrough at all.
Seeing the way she searches my face with such hope makes it difficult to stay mad at her.
“You know, that night…” I start, glancing back at the guys.
They’re staring over here with morbid curiosity, and I know they’ll pester me about this the moment I go back to them.
“You said a lot of things that made me question if I ever truly knew you. I never expected to hear those kinds of hateful words come out of your mouth. You were always so sweet and kind… It didn’t make sense to me. ”
“I can’t take back what I said.” Chrissy turns her eyes down dejectedly. “I wish I could go back and do it differently, but I can’t. I won’t blame you if you can’t forgive me. I was downright awful.”
“I’m not the sort of person who can write other people off so quickly,” I say. “But thank you for apologizing for it. It means a lot.”
“I don’t like the idea of losing you as a friend,” Chrissy smiles, echoing my previous words when I’d broken things off with her. She gives me a little shrug, tears in her eyes. “You’re a good man, Ethan. Maybe it’ll take time for things to go back to normal, but I’d like them to.”
“I don’t think it’ll ever be back to normal,” I admit, and Chrissy’s face falls slightly. But then I add quickly, “It’ll be better.”
Chrissy nods, her smile lighting back up. “Definitely better.”
We share a small, sweet hug, and then she wipes the tears from her eyes, and I get up to go back to the table while she returns to work.
And for the rest of the night, that awkwardness between us vanishes.
As she brings us more drinks and food, her bright and sunny personality returns, and it’s almost as if nothing happened.
I don’t tell the guys the whole story—I don’t want them to think differently about Chrissy for the things she’d said to me initially. I just leave it at we had a misunderstanding, and that’s all cleared up now, and they take it at face value.
We drink for the next couple of hours, getting ridiculously drunk in the process, and we talk about Luke and me—our first meeting, how we started talking, when we got together.
As I recount our exploits, a weight lifts from my shoulders, like I’m unburdening myself of everything I’ve wanted to tell them since the beginning.
The guys hang on every word, on the edge of their seats, laughing and shaking their heads with awe at each discovery.
They find it incredibly hilarious when I tell them the real reason I fled to Florida all those months ago, teasing me relentlessly about it. But it’s good. It’s normal.
When Marcus tells them how he walked in on us only a few weeks ago, he surprises me by pulling out his phone to provide photo evidence. As if he’s been waiting for this moment. And the guys eat it up like they’ve been starved all their lives.
“I knew no one would believe me without proof,” Marcus says, passing his phone around. “I sent it to Tiff, and she literally screamed with joy.”
When the phone gets to me, I can’t help but stare at the photo with awe. Luke and I are dead asleep on the couch, utterly oblivious to Marcus’s presence, even though it looks like he’s pretty close to us. It’s a good picture, too.
I study how we’re lying, curled up in each other’s arms, and it’s immediately apparent there’s genuine affection there.
Luke looks peaceful and unburdened, all of the hardships he was secretly facing gone in his sleep.
His hand is limply curled in my hair, and mine is gripping the fabric of his shirt, almost like I was afraid to let him go.
And here I was, worried that I’d made it all up in my head with how coldly Luke’s suddenly been treating me, but this is proof that our connection was real. The photo doesn’t lie. The truth is laid out plainly for the world to see. God damn it, we’re cute.
I ask Marcus to send me the picture, passing his phone back to him.
Then I tell everyone about our trip to New York, pulling out my phone to show the pictures I took of Luke and me in Times Square. I watch all three friends study my phone with awestruck expressions, but I’m unsure what they see until Eric says what they’re all apparently thinking.
“Damn, man. You look happy.”
The words strike me like a match to dry kindling, and I can feel how my cheeks flush. “I was happy,” I say, my heart aching when I think about how it’s all gone to shit since then.
That’s when Ben and Eric start bombarding me with questions, trying to figure out exactly where everything went off the rails. I want to tell them everything, but in order for them to understand the truth, there’s another lie I have to clean up first: the money.