19. Rose
ROSE
"I want to go out."
Calvin lifts his head from where he's crouched before me, tightening his shoelaces, and tilts his head to the side. "Where?"
"Out."
His brows dip ever so slightly. "I need more than that."
"Does everything I do really need some kind of entourage?"
Calvin finishes with the laces on his sleek, black shoes and climbs to his feet. "Yes."
"Why?"
"You are Konstantin's wife. You don't take a step out the front door without an entourage, hidden or otherwise."
"Oh my god, that's so fucking smothering!" Pushing off the door frame, I stalk into the kitchen and brush past him. "I just want to go out."
"Where?"
Irritation blooms under my ribs and swells as Calvin continues to speak in that ever-pleasant, calm voice of his. He's not the source of my anger, not really.
It's all on me and the time that's slipping away from me. I have one week left before Mathew comes knocking and if I'm not pregnant, this is all over.
"I need period products, okay? The stuff upstairs is giving me a rash, and it's embarrassing, and now I have to say it out loud and take seven guards with me to buy tampons?" Spinning on the spot, I face Calvin with my arms folded. "It's ridiculous."
"You shouldn't be embarrassed," Calvin replies.
"You're not surrounded by boys or teenagers who snark at the mention of a period.
Everyone here can handle something like that.
" Calvin glances down at his watch. "But in the interest of your health, it's likely better that we get you new products immediately. "
"Without an entourage?" It'll be hard enough hiding a pregnancy test from him, never mind a handful of other watchful guards.
"They can follow," Calvin decides as he pulls out his phone. "Come on, I'll take you in my car."
He sends a quick message to someone, and five minutes later we're driving into the city without the usual entourage that follows either Kon or me. I'm under no illusions. They'll be with us soon and I doubt Calvin has taken me out like this without some kind of security measure in place.
Resting back in the passenger seat, I gaze out the window at the passing buildings but nothing catches my attention. My focus is shot if it isn't about having a baby.
Kon's condition should mean we fuck more often, but the man remains in control of his passions and we've only slept together twice since that night in the library.
Twice might be more than enough and not knowing is keeping me up at night.
I stifle a yawn, and then Calvin reaches forward and turns on some music.
It's a nice distraction for a little while until we arrive at a pharmacy. "I need money."
Calvin squints at me. "Kon put you on his credit card, right?"
"I'm not going in there using some platinum fucking card to buy tampons. Do you really want to argue with me right now? Because it feels like my womb is tearing itself apart and I'm half tempted to rip it out of me and throw it at you if you don't give me some cash."
Calvin's eyes widen and he stuffs his hand into his pocket, then presses a handful of crumpled bills into my waiting hand.
I don't even say thank you.
I leap out of the car and rush into the pharmacy while he races to follow me.
As luck would have it, the pregnancy tests are easy to spot, so I snatch one from the shelf, toss bills toward the cashier and sprint into the bathroom. The door slams shut behind me.
This could be it.
One test and everything will be okay.
My hands shake as I tear the box open and rip the test from the packaging, but it slips from my fingers and clatters in the sink as a knock rattles against the door.
"Rose?" Calvin calls.
"Give me a minute!" I snap loudly, then my voice lowers. "Just one minute." Or three.
Tension bleeds through me like a fever, sweat beads my brow and my t-shirt clings to my back as I squat awkwardly and piss on the stick while balancing over the toilet.
Like always, it ends up over my hands, but the stick is covered, and that's all that matters.
Once I'm finished, I set it aside and slowly wash my hands in the sink.
If I'm pregnant, that will be good.
Will it?
The thought doesn't bring me as much peace as it did before.
In the beginning, it was a simple stepping stone to saving my family from the crushing debt and threat of the Vasiliev brothers.
But now?
Now I know Kon. I like him. A lot.
He hasn't pressured me for anything, hasn't pushed me into any kind of role or mold. He sits and listens to me, we eat together, and he gives me freedom without question.
Can I really break his heart by handing his baby over to men who want to bring him down?
Guilt gnaws at each frantic thump of my heart as I dry my hands and then glance at the dreaded test.
Not pregnant.
Of course not. How could it be any other way?
Despair clogs my chest and my next breath catches at the back of my throat, causing me to choke and gag.
A tightening roll of nausea sweeps through me and I clutch the cold, porcelain sink, caught in the violent urge to vomit.
The sensation sits just above my stomach but it collides with the knot of guilt under my ribs and nothing moves.
There's just pressure.
Unending pressure.
"Fuck," I mutter. What the hell am I going to do?
Too much time passes and voices rise outside the door, so I splash cold water on my face, toss the test, and open the door. Calvin's face is a picture of worry he barely manages to hide.
"Are you alright?"
"I need to walk," I say quietly. "I just… I need to walk."
This time, he doesn't question me.
He simply steps aside and lets me walk to the door and out into the street.
Calvin follows like a shadow just behind me, and I distantly hear him telling someone to buy up the store's stock of tampons until they find one I can use.
It would be amusing if I weren't so torn.
It's like I'm in the middle of a set of scales with my family on one side and Kon on the other, while Mathew tips them back and forth with his threats.
I shouldn't feel guilty about Kon.
I shouldn't even feel any responsibility for him because I've only known him for two or so months, and who marries a woman they've never met?
I shouldn't feel the way I do.
But I do. Care for Kon has bloomed and woven through my chest with every possessive, hungry, demanding touch.
How can a man so cold and dangerous to everyone else be so kind to me?
I walk to the end of the street and take a small footpath down to walk alongside the river.
Heat bakes down from above and sweat prickles at my hairline under my ponytail.
Maybe his kindness shouldn't be a surprise. Calvin is the perfect example of how Kon treats people who do right by him.
What would he do to me if he knew the truth?
Would he help me get my family back or would he kill me where I stood for trying to betray him?
I can't imagine a man like Kon would be forgiving if he knew I was trying to have his baby and hand it over to monsters to save my own skin.
Then again… maybe he would pity me and he would understand.
My thoughts weave back and forth but ultimately, I can't decide.
His reaction to this entire hellscape isn't something I can guess because I can barely keep my own feelings on the matter in one place.
"Rose?" Calvin's voice cuts through my thoughts as he matches pace with me.
"Leave me alone."
"No."
"What?" I glance across at him and am forced to squint as the sun drifts above his head.
"Kon tasked me with taking care of you and I know something is wrong. You hide it well, but the more I've come to know you, the more I can see the cracks in you. Something is bothering you and it's my job to fix it."
Is it becoming that obvious?
Gravel crunches underfoot as we walk and I turn my attention back to the river while trying to focus on the sound of the water and the distant chirp of birds in the air.
None of it really calms me.
"Rose." Calvin tries again. "You're in pain. Is it your family? Do you miss them? I'm sure we can work out a way for you to see them more often. Is it how you spend your time? If you are bored and want to expand your horizons, we can do that too. If it's something else?"
He just doesn't give up, does he? Question after question as if the solution is his to give.
Wait… maybe he is the solution?
I stop dead in my tracks and face him. Calvin stops alongside me and his lips pull into a soft smile, likely thinking he's said something that's getting through to me.
In a way, he has.
Kon is infertile.
No one knows.
Maybe that's the key to this whole mess.
Mathew wants me to get pregnant but if Kon can't do that, then maybe someone else can.
After all, there's no way they'd be able to tell that the baby wasn't Kon's and if they did, it would be long after I saved my family from those bastards.
In a surge of desperation that the answer to my problem is right in front of me, I throw myself into Calvin's arms and clutch at his shirt as I try desperately to kiss him.
Try and fail.
Calvin has lightning reflexes, and our lips don't even touch before he's firmly grasping my shoulders and holding me at arm's length. "Rose. Stop."
He doesn't sound angry.
Not even annoyed.
He just sounds sad, like he pities me, and the sorrow in his tone suddenly chips away the last of my resolve and I burst into desperate, open sobs.
The rejection doesn't hurt, but the sympathy in his expression does as if my actions have confirmed whatever he's been thinking about what's wrong with me.
Rather than pushing me away, Calvin draws me into an embrace and my legs give way as I sob against his shoulder.
I'm at a loss.
I have no idea what to do.
No idea how to fix this.
My family will die because I can't fix this, and then Kon will find out the truth, and he will kill or discard me. Either way, my fate is dark and I have no hope of making it out of this alive.
"It's okay," Calvin says and his voice trembles ever so slightly. "Rose, I know you are in pain. Whatever it is, I can help. Kon can help. You just need to talk to us."
"You c-can't help!" I weep through tears and hiccups that roll through my chest. "You've n-no idea what it's like, you've no idea what I have to do! It's all my fault. This… it's all m-my fault!"
"Rose," Calvin says and his chest lifts as if he's about to say something else. But before he can, he suddenly throws me to the ground and covers me with his body as several bangs pop through the air above me.
"Stay down!" he yells in my ear and then he's gone, no longer a protective weight over top of me.
I lay there, frozen and mid-sob as several more gunshots crack through the air.
Panic grips me like a cold vise.
I scramble onto my hands and knees and crawl desperately toward a nearby bench but just as I reach the leg, a hand grabs at my ankle and begins to drag me backward.
I scream and roll onto my back, and chaos greets me.
Calvin's locked in a brawl with a man, trading blows and landing just as many as he's taking.
Two other guards are in similar fights while a third is on the ground with his eyes closed and crimson spreading across his chest.
The stranger at my ankle grins as he drags me away from the bench, and I kick out at him.
My other foot collides with his elbow but it doesn't affect him as he pulls a gun from his waist.
A gunshot cracks through the air and every single part of me freezes, but pain doesn't follow.
Instead, the man awkwardly steps forward and then collapses on top of me.
"No!" I scream and I use all my strength to push him off me.
Several more gunshots flash around me and then silence falls while I shove the body away with a yell and dig my heels into the grass to push myself away from him.
"Rose!" Calvin darts to my side and his hand lands on my shoulder but I instantly shrug it off with a flinch. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?"
I can't speak. My eyes lock onto the open, empty gaze of the dead man and I can't look away.
"Rose!"
"I'm okay," I croak. "I-I'm okay."
"Fuck. Okay." Calvin's hand loops around my arm and he pulls me to my feet. "Come on, I need to get you out of here."
I finally break eye contact with the body and glance down to where his rumpled clothes sit haphazardly across his chest.
Calvin wastes no time in scooping me up, and as he does, I notice something else familiar about the stranger.
His jacket's fallen open and just beside the glistening crimson spread of blood sits a silver heron pin.