NIA #2
My clothes hung in order. Color coordinated and organized. That had always been my thing. I ran my fingers across a few hangers before pulling something out. Nothing that asked to be seen. I didn't need that today. I needed to feel like myself.
I changed slowly. Taking my time. Not rushing like I usually did in the mornings.
There was no tension in my chest telling me to hurry.
No voice in the back of my mind asking what mood I was about to walk into.
I sat down at the edge of the bed for a second after getting dressed.
Letting the stillness settle around me. There was a time when sitting still felt dangerous.
Because it meant thinking. And thinking meant feeling.
And feeling meant opening doors I didn't know how to close.
So I stayed busy. Stayed focused on everything outside of myself.
Now I sat there. And let my thoughts come without trying to control them.
Today was important for Ayida. Chiana and Amina had put her together a baby shower for her and Noles.
They were introducing their baby boy, Omari, to everybody today.
True enough the circumstances surrounding how they got their baby was a little messed up, but her and Noles were the happiest that I'd ever seen.
Happiness looked different on people who had suffered for it.
She'd spent the last two months hold up in the house with the baby and keeping Noles close by as much as she could.
I understood that. Wanting to hold onto something good when it finally showed up and keep it close enough that nothing could take it away. She often sent pictures and videos to the group chat of her and the baby.
Little moments. Him sleeping. Him crying.
Her rocking him. Her smile looked unfamiliar at first. Because it wasn't the kind of smile she used to wear.
It was softer. Less guarded. Like she wasn't bracing for something to go wrong behind it.
It looked like he took to her like she carried him, like he hadn't even noticed his biological mom was gone.
Babies didn't ask the questions adults did.
They didn't sit around trying to understand how things were supposed to look.
They just felt. And responded to what felt like love.
It made my heart so happy to see the pictures and videos she sent.
I had found myself going back to them more than once.
Replaying them. Watching the way she held him.
The way he settled into her. Like he had always belonged there.
Somebody on the outside looking in wouldn't believe her struggle with fertility, especially when all she wanted was a baby. I remembered the quiet moments. wanting something her body refused to give her. Now she had that. And I was sure she praised her ancestors’ multiple times a day for it.
That part made me smile again. Not the kind of smile that covered something.
Just recognition of what it meant to finally receive something you had been asking for in silence.
We stopped to pick up a few gifts before pulling up to Amina’s house, where the shower was being held.
The kids filed out of the car, rushing through the house to get to the backyard with the rest of the kids.
Amina had decorated the house in a safari theme, and there was a Safari sign that said "Showering Ayida, Noles, and Baby Omari. "
I put my gifts down at the gift table before walking over to Ayida, hugging her.
"Congratulations, I'm so happy for you and Noles," I said, pulling back, watching her smile spread across her face as she took me in.
"Where is the baby so I can get my TT snuggles in?
" I questioned, noticing he wasn't in her or Noles’ arms.
"Evie won't let anybody hold him, she swore we don't need to be breathing all in his face," Amina said, walking up to me, hugging me with Chiana behind her. Chiana had glasses on a tray, and she was passing them out.
We played a few games and sat around talking for about twenty minutes. Juste, Noles, and Pierre were outside cooking on the grill and playing dominoes. I took it all in, genuinely enjoying my family and the time we spent together.
Me and Chiana sat off having a conversation about planning to take the kids on another trip to the cabins.
I was hearing her, but I wasn't, because Enzi had walked in the house with designer gift bags in tow.
Memories of the time we spent together flashed through my mind.
"Congratulations, Ayida. I wanted to bring some gifts before I left this swamp," He said, hugging her, making everybody else laugh.
His eyes found mine for a second before he spoke to the rest of us.
"Ladies". He nodded before stepping outside, where the men were.
They started back talking about something, but I was so caught up in my thoughts that I tuned them out.
"I need to fix me another drink, y’all want something?
" I said, standing from my seat, before walking into the kitchen.
I filled my cup once before drinking it, then refilled it.
I leaned against the counter with my eyes closed taking in the silence in there to settle my thoughts.
I wasn't alone long. I felt his hand brush up against mine, and his body positioned beside me.
"You look good." He eased out, smooth, still rubbing his hand up against mine. I opened my eyes, looking over him, taking in his dark skin and full lips, remembering how they felt against my skin.
"You finally leaving, huh?" I asked him, watching him nod.
"My business here is done." He said I watched his eyes as they scanned mine, and he looked me over.
"Take care of yourself, Nia. You ever need to escape or be catered to again, I left my number in your phone under Enzike.
" he leaned in, his voice low against my ear, brushing a kiss against my temple
After the shower was over, Evie and Saint loaded up the kids and took them to their house, even the little baby. Juste, Noles, and Pierre had long disappeared. Jules had never showed up. We were sitting around the fire pit at Amina’s house, sipping wine and eating leftover fruit from the shower.
The fire cracked low in front of us, the flames rising and falling like they were breathing.
The air smelled like smoke and something sweet from the fruit, the kind of scent that settled into your clothes and stayed there long after you left.
It was quiet in a way that didn't feel empty.
Just... full of everything that had already happened that day.
I leaned back in my chair, letting the warmth from the fire touch my legs. My body felt tired in a way that wasn't just physical. The kind of tired that came from carrying things for a long time and finally setting them down, even if just for a moment.
"Being a mommy looks so good on you. I'm so happy for you.
" Chiana said, raising her glass to Ayida.
Her voice held that same softness it always did when she was speaking from somewhere real.
"Thank you," Ayida said with tears in her eyes.
"He really does mean so much to me. I'd set fire to the world about that baby. " She smiled.
I watched her as she spoke. I noticed the way she spoke, and how her shoulders sat lower, and her face wasn't guarded.
Her eyes looked like they had finally found something to rest on.
That kind of love looked different. “I don’t doubt it.
Motherhood will do it to you." I said, nodding my head.
My voice came out steady. But something inside me shifted when I said it.
Motherhood had done something to me too.
It had made me strong. But it had also taught me how to disappear inside of what other people needed.
How to give so much of myself that I stopped recognizing what was left.
"Speaking of motherhood." Amina said before putting grapes in her mouth, "y’all could've told me girls were hard. The smart mouths about to make me go to jail for child abuse." She said, rolling her eyes. A laugh moved through the group, light and easy.
"Oh you haven't seen nothing yet." I giggled, making Chiana agree. It felt good to laugh.
"Have you talked to the kids yet about what's going on?" Amina asked seriously. Her tone shifted slightly. She wasn't asking out of curiosity. She was asking because she cared.
"Yeah, I did this morning. Everybody seem to be fine except Jezel, but that's expected." I explained. I could still see her face in my mind. The way her eyes filled up, and she tried to understand something she wasn't ready for.
"My poor soft-hearted girl," Chiana said.
She shook her head slightly, like she could already feel it for her.
Jezel reminded me of her in that way. Willing to believe in things working out.
Parts of me used to be like that, too. “You need us to fill you in, or you already know what’s going on? " Amina asked Ayida.
"I’m aware." Ayida smiled. Of course she was. She didn't need details. She felt them.
"Well, since you got a sixth sense and know everything, can you tell me when that mutha fucka gon sign those papers?" I joked with Ayida, making all of us bust out laughing. The words came out easy.
"Oh, hush that man gon sign them papers, he’s just upset right now," Chiana said through a laugh. Her tone carried reassurance. Like she was trying to soften something for me.
"Ion know about all of that, but we can definitely be hopeful." Amina chimed in.
Being with them always made me feel whole. That part hadn't changed. If anything, it felt deeper now. More intentional. They were my family. Not by blood. But by everything else that mattered. We’d seen each other through things people don't come back from the same.
Loss.
Love.
Pain.
Decisions that changed the direction of our lives without asking permission.
We'd grown together. Even when it didn't look the same for all of us.
We'd be bound together as sisters for the rest of our lives.
Sitting there with them, it felt like a connection.
Support that didn't ask me to shrink to maintain it.
We had an unbreakable bond that I would forever cherish.
I now understand the difference between a bond that holds you and one that confines you.
I lifted my glass slowly, taking a sip. The wine was warm now.
Not as crisp as it had been earlier. But still good.
The fire popped again, sparks rising up into the night before disappearing.
I watched them for a second. The way they burned bright for a moment before fading out.
There was something about that that felt familiar.
The way things could feel intense. Like they would last forever.
Until they didn’t. “You quiet over there," Amina said, nudging me lightly with her foot.
I looked over at her. She was watching me the way she always did when she knew I was somewhere else in my head. “I’m just...sitting in it," I said. It was the simplest way to explain it. And the most honest.
"Sitting in what?" Chiana asked. Her voice soft. Like, she didn't want to disrupt whatever space I was in.
"Everything," I said after a second. That was the truth. Not just the divorce. Not just Jules. But everything that had led me here. Everything I had carried. Everything I had let go.
Amina leaned back in her chair, studying me for a moment. “You good?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yeah," I said. "I am." And I meant it.