Chapter 34
The second dance lesson went better than the first.
Kairen arrived with slightly less reluctance, and we moved through the basic waltz with fewer collisions. He even managed to lead through a turn without counting steps aloud, which felt like significant progress.
"See?" I said as we completed a full sequence without mistakes. "You're getting the hang of it."
"I'm memorizing patterns. It's not the same as actually being comfortable."
"Comfort comes with practice."
Through the soulbond, I felt his grudging acceptance that I was right. That the physical closeness was becoming less jarring, the coordination more natural.
"Same time tomorrow?" he asked as we finished.
"Same time. And Kairen? You're doing well. Better than you think."
Something flickered in his expression---surprise, maybe, or the beginning of something that might eventually become pride.
"Thank you. For being patient with this."
He left before I could respond, shadows trailing behind him with their usual restless energy.
The next morning, Brooke found me after Magical Theory. "Want to grab lunch early? Before the dining hall gets crowded?"
"Sure. Let me drop these books off first."
We headed toward the library, Zephyr walking beside Brooke with the easy grace of a well-bonded griffin. The Academy grounds were busy with students between classes, but the library would be quieter.
We were cutting through the advanced training courtyard---a shortcut Brooke insisted was faster---when I saw them.
Kairen stood in one of the practice rings, working through sword forms with someone I didn't recognize. A woman, third-year based on her emblem, with long dark hair pulled back in an intricate braid and the kind of effortless grace that came from years of training.
She was close. Too close.
Her hand was on his arm, adjusting his grip on the practice blade. She was laughing at something, her head tilted up toward him, her body angled in that way people do when they're interested in more than just training.
Kairen's expression was carefully neutral, but he wasn't moving away. Wasn't creating the distance he maintained with everyone else.
Something hot and sharp twisted in my chest.
"Serenya?" Brooke's voice seemed to come from very far away. "You okay?"
I couldn't answer. Couldn't look away from the woman's hand still resting on Kairen's arm, from the way she stood too close, from how he wasn't pulling back.
"Oh," Brooke said quietly, following my gaze. "That's Ivy Redmond. third-year. Griffin bond. She's been trying to get Kairen's attention since before the bonding trials. He usually ignores her completely."
"He's not ignoring her now," I said, my voice coming out harder than intended.
Through the soulbond, I could feel Kairen's discomfort. He was tolerating the proximity, not enjoying it. But he wasn't actively rejecting it either.
Ivy said something else, gesturing with her free hand while the other remained on his arm. She stepped even closer, demonstrating some kind of footwork, her shoulder brushing against his.
The hot, sharp feeling intensified into something that felt dangerously like rage.
"We should go," Brooke said, tugging my arm. "Before you do something you'll regret."
"I'm not going to do anything."
"You're literally glowing. Like, actually glowing. Your light magic is responding to whatever you're feeling right now."
I looked down. She was right. Soft radiance was leaking from my hands, pulsing in time with my heartbeat. With the jealousy I couldn't quite suppress.
"Let's go," Brooke said more firmly. "Now. Before half the Academy notices the light dragon bond is about to explode with jealousy."
She practically dragged me away from the courtyard, Zephyr following with what might have been concern in his sharp eyes.
We made it to an empty classroom before I completely lost composure.
"What the hell was that?" I demanded, pacing in tight circles. Light flickered around my hands with each step. "He barely tolerates proximity with me, but some fourth-year touches his arm and he just... stands there?"
"He looked uncomfortable," Brooke offered.
"Not uncomfortable enough to move away!"
"Serenya, you're glowing brighter. You need to calm down before someone sees---"
"I don't care who sees!" The light flared, bright enough to make Brooke squint.
"Four hours a day of careful distance, of him barely letting himself touch me during dance lessons, of maintaining walls like I might shatter his precious control.
But Ivy Redmond puts her hand on his arm and he just accepts it? "
"Maybe he's too polite to tell her off. You know how he is with nobility training---"
"Then why isn't he that polite with me? Why do I get rejection and careful distance while she gets... that?"
Through the soulbond, I felt Kairen's sudden awareness of my distress. Felt his confusion, his attempt to understand what had triggered such intense emotion.
Good. Let him feel it. Let him understand that his careful neutrality with other women while maintaining walls with me hurt.
"You need to talk to him," Brooke said. "Actually talk about what you're feeling instead of letting it build into this."
"Talk about what? 'Hi Kairen, I'm irrationally jealous even though we have no actual relationship beyond forced proximity and complementary bonds?' That sounds healthy."
"It sounds honest. Which is more than you've been lately.
" Brooke's voice turned gentle but firm.
"You're carrying around this huge secret about being soulbound.
You're practicing dance lessons that require intimacy he barely allows.
You're merging magic in ways that show him everything you feel.
And then you see him let someone else touch him casually and it breaks something inside you.
That's not irrational, Serenya. That's completely understandable. "
"It doesn't matter. He made it clear he doesn't want anything beyond what the bonds require."
"Did he? Or did he say that when he was terrified and overwhelmed, and you've been taking it as absolute truth ever since?"
I stopped pacing. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means people say things when they're scared that they don't actually mean.
It means Kairen spent five years building walls, and those walls don't just disappear because dragon bonds connected.
It means maybe---just maybe---he's as confused about what's happening between you as you are, but he doesn't have the context of the soulbond to explain why everything feels so intense. "
"So I should just... what? March over there and interrupt his training to announce I'm jealous?"
"No. You should calm down, get your light magic under control, and later---when you're both at your evening training session---you should have an actual conversation about boundaries and expectations. Like adults."
The light around my hands was finally fading, my heartbeat slowing. Brooke was right. Charging over there in a jealous rage would accomplish nothing except embarrassing us both.
But the image of Ivy's hand on Kairen's arm, of her standing too close while he didn't create distance, kept replaying in my mind.
"I hate this," I said quietly. "I hate feeling this way. This... possessive. Like I have any right to be angry about who he trains with."
"You're connected to him on a cosmic level that he doesn't even know about. You're literally soul-bound. Being possessive is pretty reasonable under the circumstances."
"It doesn't feel reasonable. It feels childish and petty."
"It feels human." Brooke sat on one of the desks.
"Look, you've been incredibly patient with Kairen.
You've let him set the pace, respected his boundaries, didn't push when he was clearly overwhelmed.
But Serenya, you're allowed to have feelings about this too.
You're allowed to be upset when he maintains careful distance with you but doesn't with others. "
"What if he genuinely doesn't realize it matters? What if he was just being polite to Ivy and has no idea it would bother me?"
"Then you tell him it bothers you. Communication. Novel concept, I know."
I managed a weak laugh. "When did you become so wise about relationships?"
"Since watching you and Kairen do this elaborate dance---literally and figuratively---where you both want more but are too afraid to say it." She hopped off the desk. "Come on. Let's actually get lunch. You'll feel better with food in you."
"I don't think I can eat right now."
"Fine. Then you can watch me eat while I tell you about how Caleb is absolutely terrified of the Solstice feast because apparently his entire extended family is attending and they're all going to judge his dancing abilities."
The distraction helped. By the time we reached the dining hall, my light magic had settled completely and the jealous rage had cooled into something more manageable.
But I couldn't stop thinking about Ivy's hand on Kairen's arm. About how easy that touch had looked, how casual. No careful distance, no rigid walls, no fighting against connection.
Through the soulbond, I felt Kairen's continued awareness of my distress. He knew something had upset me, even if he didn't know what.
Good, a petty part of me thought. Let him wonder. Let him feel the uncertainty for once.
That evening's training session started awkwardly.
Kairen arrived at the arena exactly on time, but instead of immediately moving to the training dummies, he hesitated.
"Something upset you earlier," he said without preamble. "I felt it through the bond. What happened?"
"Nothing important."
"That's a lie. Whatever you felt was... intense. Overwhelming." His shadows flickered restlessly. "Did someone hurt you? Threaten you?"
The genuine concern in his voice made the jealousy flare again. He cared if I was hurt. Just apparently not if I was upset about him.
"No one hurt me. I'm fine."
"You're not fine. I can feel that you're not fine." He took a step closer. "Tell me what happened."
"Why do you care?"
The question came out sharper than intended. He stopped, shadows going still.
"Because your distress affects the bond balance. If something is wrong, it impacts both of us."
"Right. The bond. That's all that matters."
"I didn't---" He stopped, clearly confused by my tone. "What did I do?"
"You didn't do anything. That's the problem."
"I don't understand."
Through the soulbond, I felt his genuine confusion. He had no idea what had upset me, no concept that seeing him with Ivy had triggered this reaction.
"I saw you," I said, trying to keep my voice level. "This morning. In the advanced training courtyard. With Ivy Redmond."
His expression went carefully blank. "We were practicing sword forms."
"She was very close to you."
"She was adjusting my grip."
"She had her hand on your arm."
"She was demonstrating proper form---" He stopped, eyes narrowing slightly. "You're angry about that."
"I'm not angry."
"You're literally pulsing with light magic right now. You're definitely angry." He studied me with those storm-gray eyes. "Why?"
"Because you maintain careful distance with me. You barely let yourself touch me during dance lessons. You fight every moment of proximity like it's torture. But some fourth-year puts her hand on your arm and you just... let her."
"That's..." He struggled for words. "That's different."
"How? How is it different?"
"Because she doesn't matter!" The words came out forcefully. "Ivy is nobody. She's a training partner who occasionally asks for sparring practice. Her touch doesn't affect anything. It's meaningless."
"And mine isn't?"
"Yours is---" He stopped, jaw clenching. Through the soulbond, I felt his internal struggle. "Yours matters. Too much. That's why I maintain distance. Because when you touch me, I feel everything. The bond connection magnifies it. And I don't know how to handle that."
"So you're saying my touch is too intense, but hers is fine because you don't care about her?"
"Yes. Exactly." He seemed to realize how that sounded. "I mean---I don't care about her in any way that would make the bond react. She's just... there. Training. Nothing more."
"But you care about me." The words came out quieter. "Enough that my touch affects you."
He was silent for a long moment. Shadows pooled at his feet, agitated.
"Yes," he said finally. "I care about you. More than I want to. More than is comfortable. That's why I maintain distance---because if I don't, I'll..." He stopped.
"You'll what?"
"I don't know. And that terrifies me." He met my eyes.
"With Vera, there's no risk. She means nothing.
Her proximity doesn't threaten anything.
But you..." He gestured between us helplessly.
"You threaten everything I've built to survive.
Every wall, every defense, every careful distance.
So yes, I maintain more careful boundaries with you than with someone who doesn't matter. Because you matter too much."
The jealousy that had been burning in my chest for hours finally cooled. Replaced by something warmer, more complicated.
"That's..." I struggled to find words. "That's actually kind of sweet. In a emotionally-repressed, terrified-of-feelings sort of way."
"It's honest. Which you asked for." His shadows settled slightly.
"I'm sorry if seeing me with Ivy upset you.
I wasn't trying to---I didn't realize it would matter.
She's been persistent about training together, and I agreed because refusing seemed more effort than accepting.
I didn't consider how it might look to you. "
"It looked like you were comfortable with her touch. With proximity you won't allow me."
"Because her proximity is meaningless. Yours is..." He took a breath. "Yours makes me feel things I've spent five years suppressing. Every time we dance, every time we practice merged magic, every time you're just near me---I feel everything. And I don't know how to process that."
Through the soulbond, I felt the truth of his words. The overwhelming intensity of what he felt around me compared to the blessed numbness everyone else provided. No wonder he maintained walls with me but not others---I was the only one who made him feel.
"I didn't know," I said softly. "I thought you were maintaining distance because you didn't want to deal with me. Not because being near me affected you that much."
"It does. Constantly." He looked away. "Which is why I need the walls. Without them, I'd be overwhelmed completely."
"Is that such a bad thing? Being overwhelmed?"
"After five years of void, yes. It's terrifying."
We stood in silence for a moment. The jealousy that had felt so consuming earlier had transformed into something else. Understanding, maybe. Or at least the beginning of it.
"I'm sorry," I said. "For assuming the worst. For getting angry before asking what was actually happening."
"And I'm sorry for not realizing that my behavior with others would upset you.
That seeing me more comfortable with someone who doesn't matter than with someone who does would hurt.
" He paused. "I'll be more careful. With Ivy and anyone else.
About maintaining consistency in how I interact with people. "
"You don't have to change how you train with others on my account."
"Yes, I do. Because you matter. And I don't want to hurt you just because I'm too emotionally incompetent to realize when I'm being insensitive."
Through the soulbond, I felt his sincerity. His genuine regret for causing me pain, even unintentionally. His determination to be more careful.
"Thank you," I said. "For being honest about why you maintain distance with me. It helps. Knowing it's not because you don't want to be close, but because being close affects you too much."
"It's... exhausting sometimes. Feeling this way. Wanting distance and proximity simultaneously. Fighting against something I know I need." He looked at me directly. "But I'm trying. To be better at this. At us."
"I know you are. And I appreciate it."
"Should we practice dancing? Or is that too much after this conversation?"
I considered. The jealousy was gone, replaced by this new understanding. But the emotional intensity of what we'd discussed was still raw.
"Let's just do what we planned. Merged magic training first, then dance practice if we have energy."
"Alright."
We moved to the center of the arena. Kairen extended his hand, shadows pooling in his palm. I called light to mine. When our magic met, it merged with the usual easy recognition.
But tonight felt different. More conscious of what it meant. Of the fact that he maintained walls with me precisely because breaking them meant feeling everything. Of the truth that his careful distance was protection against overwhelming emotion, not rejection.
Through the merged magic, through the soulbond, I felt his relief. That I understood now. That the jealousy had led to conversation instead of distance. That we'd navigated conflict and come out closer instead of further apart.
Progress.
Strange, complicated, emotionally intense progress.
But progress nonetheless.
After training, as we walked back toward the main buildings, Kairen spoke quietly.
"For what it's worth, Ivy doesn't affect me at all.
Her touch, her proximity, her attempts at conversation---it's all just...
noise. Background. Meaningless." He glanced at me.
"You're the only person who's ever made me feel anything since the bond.
The only one who breaks through the void.
That's why I'm so careful with you. Because you're the only one who could actually hurt me. "
"I don't want to hurt you."
"I know. But the capacity exists. And after five years of feeling nothing, the possibility of pain is..." He struggled for words. "Terrifying and necessary in equal measure."
We reached the point where our paths diverged---him to the North Tower, me to the dormitories.
"Same time tomorrow?" I asked.
"Same time. And Serenya?" He waited until I looked at him. "Thank you. For being honest about what upset you. For asking instead of just assuming. For... giving me a chance to explain instead of walking away."
"Of course. We're supposed to be learning to work together. That includes communication."
"Yes. It does." His shadows pulsed once. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Kairen."
I watched him walk away, feeling the soulbond hum with his presence even as physical distance increased.
He cared about me. Enough that my touch affected him when others' didn't. Enough that he maintained walls specifically to protect himself from overwhelming feeling.
And I'd been jealous of someone who meant nothing to him, while not realizing I was the only person who could actually break through his void.
"How did it go?" Brooke asked when I returned to our room.
"We talked. Actually talked." I collapsed onto my bed. "Turns out he maintains distance with me because I'm the only person who makes him feel anything. And he's terrified of being overwhelmed."
"That's..." Brooke considered. "Actually really sad and sweet simultaneously."
"That describes most things with Kairen."
"True." She grinned. "So the jealousy was productive?"
"Apparently. Who knew being honest about feelings would lead to understanding?"
"Literally everyone except you two emotionally-repressed disaster people."
I threw a pillow at her, but I was smiling.
The jealousy had hurt. The image of Ivy touching Kairen so casually while he maintained walls with me had been painful.
But it had led to honesty. To understanding. To Kairen admitting that I was the only person who could affect him.
And that was worth the temporary pain of jealousy.
Even if seeing them together had made me want to show every fourth-year in the Academy exactly why they should keep their hands off someone whose soul recognized mine.
Even if I couldn't actually say that part out loud yet.
Four days until the Council meeting.
And somewhere in that time, I'd still need to find the courage to tell Kairen about the soulbond.
To explain why our connection felt so intense, so inevitable, so impossible to fight.
To reveal that his instincts were right---there was something he was missing. Something that would make sense of why my touch affected him when others' didn't.
But tonight, understanding that he cared---that he maintained walls because I mattered too much, not too little---was enough.
Tomorrow, we'd practice dancing again.
And maybe, slowly, those walls would start to come down on their own.
Without me having to reveal cosmic truths he wasn't ready to accept.
One step at a time.
One conversation at a time.
One moment of honesty leading to understanding.
Until eventually, maybe, we'd both be brave enough to face what we actually were to each other.