21. Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-One
Malina
D ays turned to weeks, and time blurred together as I concentrated solely on chasing that numbness. All I could think about, all I wanted, was to become completely empty inside.
“Just so you know, I’m happy to come to you for payment and delivery,” Dax said, bringing me back to the room, as he was putting his pants back on. “You don’t always have to come here.”
Not a chance.
“No. I prefer it this way.” My hands brushed down my black hair that I really needed to get trimmed, flattening the mess before gathering it and tying it back high on my head.
Dax shrugged. “Fine by me. Just offering.”
I finished slipping into my boots and fastened my cloak. Dax stood, leaning over a desk and jotting something down. I walked over and stood next to him, holding out my empty hand with a pointed look.
He didn’t look up as his lips curved into a smirk. “Always business with you,” he chuckled.
I rolled my eyes. “Just give it to me,” I sighed.
He used his terbis to unseal the marble box then opened it and pulled out the vial, placing it in my hands. “For the record, I enjoy doing business with you.”
I gave him a tight smile, then left briskly without another word. I was eager to get back to my rooms at Morah and take the demid. After the last time Nikan found me passed out on the street, I decided it was better to wait until I was back in my rooms. And it had been working out well. Locking myself away, body and mind, was the most I could manage.
I watched my feet as I weaved my way through the inner ring, and I was nearly back to Morah when I heard a familiar voice that stopped me in my tracks as I rounded the corner.
Hakoa.
It had been so long since I’d seen him—when I left with Kya to get Nikan back. He had begged me not to go or to take him with me. And the look on his face when I walked away, when Theron stopped him from following…
But I knew then, just as I did now, while what we had was great at the time, it was always inevitable to come to an end. He didn’t know how much of a mess I was—and I didn’t want him to.
He was the Chief of the Noavo. The last thing he needed was me in his life fucking everything up.
Hakoa was standing outside Morah talking with Nikan, and he had his arms crossed over his chest with his eyebrows drawn together. Damn, he looked good. His dark hair was unstyled, and he wasn’t in his usual Noavo attire. As much as I liked his warrior gear, it was twice as attractive to see him in common clothing.
What is wrong with you, Mal? You just got done fucking another male for demid. Stop undressing Hakoa with your eyes.
I started to back away, but before I could, Hakoa’s eyes flicked to me. His face softened with what looked like relief, and I stiffened. His lips lifted, and his eyes brightened. But they quickly fell as I turned and fled.
“Malina, wait!” he shouted. The desperation in his voice made my breath hitch.
I wanted to wait. I wanted to be able to be happy to see him and not feel ashamed for what I had done. But I couldn’t, and I couldn’t face him like this.
Maybe someday. When I’m better.
I hoisted myself up a drainage pipe to the roof of one of the houses and pressed against the chimney—every bit the elusive Roav.
Craning my neck, I peered around the stone structure to the street to see Hakoa as he ran around the corner and came to a stop. He was a capable warrior, but he didn’t have my training in stealth. I thanked the Gods that he didn’t have any Vaavi training. He spun, looking in all directions with hopeful eyes that quickly grew dull with the realization I had escaped him.
The sight tore a hole in a piece of my heart I hadn’t realized belonged to him.
He continued to search for me, and I watched as he wandered away to the secondary ring. My shoulders slumped—not with relief but with disappointment in myself. There was only one thing that was going to make me stop feeling this way, and it rested in my pocket.
I threw my hood up and jumped down from the roof, startling a couple passing by. I kept my head down and went back to Morah, keeping an eye out for Hakoa. And Nikan.
Shit… Nik.
I’d been avoiding him, despite the fact he was making every effort to talk to me. But I couldn’t avoid him this time when he was standing at the doors to the library waiting. He was leaning back against them, blocking any way to go around him and get inside, while he wielded a rock around his hand, playing with it with distant eyes.
I drew my shoulders back and raised my chin before making my way up the steps.
Nikan noticed me and gently glided the rock to the ground, pushing off the door to meet me. “Mal—”
“Look, it’s been a long day. I’m just heading up to my rooms. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” I interrupted and tried to push past him, but he stood firm. I couldn’t look him in the eye. I didn’t want to see the disappointment I knew would mirror my own.
“Malina. What’s going on? Talk to me. Please.” He tilted his head to the side so I would look at him.
My heart cracked a little more when it wasn’t disappointment but rather genuine concern in his expression. Words rose in my throat, itching to tell him everything. But I couldn’t put that on him.
“There’s nothing to talk about.” I shook my head and stepped around him. He let me but followed me inside Morah.
“I don’t know what you’ve been up to lately but… If you don’t want to talk to me about it, then we don’t have to.” His voice was hushed as we walked past the Scholars and up the stairs. “I just…” he sighed.
I just wanted to get back to my rooms. I groaned internally.
“I’m worried about you. It’s been weeks since you’ve trained or accepted any missions. And I barely see you eat.”
I opened my mouth to argue with him about being overbearing, but he didn’t give me the chance.
“I’m not trying to berate you. But you’ve been through a lot, and you’re not talking to me. You’re constantly showing up either here or in the street unconscious,” he said with concern. “It’s just me and you now. Except you’re not here . We always used to talk to each other, no matter what. ”
We ascended the last flight of stairs to the residential level. Memories of late nights out on the ledge laughing and sharing stories rushed to the forefront of my mind.
“I know you’re hurting, Mal. I am too.”
My eyes pricked with unshed tears, and the back of my throat tightened.
“Remember I’m still here, and I’m here for you.”
I blew out a breath and blinked back tears while my hand rested on the door handle. “I know, Nik. But I can’t be here right now. I need to be somewhere else.”
I pushed open the door and stepped inside. Nikan followed, despite my lack of invitation.
“But you are here. Whether you like it or not.” He closed the door behind him, and I walked over to the obsidian wall that overlooked the north side of the city. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but whatever you’re doing to deal with it isn’t dealing with it. You can’t run away from this.”
“I’m not running away. I just need time. I need to be alone.” I spun to face him. “Can you leave? Please.”
Nikan looked into the distance with pursed lips for a moment, then looked back at me and crossed his arms. “No.”
I scoffed. “Excuse me?” I was itching for the vial in my pocket, my hand twitching to grab it, but I stopped myself.
“No,” he said firmly. “Let me help you.”
“I don’t need your help,” I snapped. “You’ve helped enough. If you hadn’t gotten caught, none of this would have happened in the first place.”
Nikan flinched.
I regretted the words the moment they crossed my lips. I didn’t even know where they came from. I truly didn’t blame him for Kya’s death. I blamed myself.
“Nik—” I started.
“It’s fine.” He held up his hand. “I’ll leave you be for now, but I’m not giving up on this. I’ll be on the ledge tonight if you want to join me. No talking. I promise.”
With a tight smile, he turned and walked out, softly shutting the door behind him.
I closed my eyes and sighed, relieved to be alone. I wasn’t waiting another minute. I didn’t want to go out on the ledge with him and be pummeled with more guilt that it would only be two of us out there when it should be three.
I went to the door and locked it before going into the bathing room to run the water. Pulling out the vial, I held it up to see the contents I had become so reliant on. As much as I wanted it, I was beginning to hate it. I knew I needed to stop and deal with all the shit in my head. I told myself I could stop whenever I wanted to—whenever I was ready. I just wasn’t ready yet.
A few more days. I’ll give it a few more days.
I waited until the bathing room was filled with steam from the hot water and I stripped, hissing at the luxurious stinging heat as I sunk down in the tub. Resting my head on the edge, I unstoppered the demid and brought it to my lips.