38. Chapter Thirty-Eight
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Malina
“ P rove it,” I challenged.
I wasn’t taking Ryker’s word for anything. He could fool everyone about Kya since no one could confirm it wasn’t true, but this was something that could easily be verified, and I was calling his bullshit. There was no chance there were Atarans living on the continent all these years, and we hadn’t heard about it.
“Fine,” he agreed nonchalantly.
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. He had agreed to that way too easily. I expected more pushback.
“Except…”
Called it.
“…I’m not taking you while you’re all fucked up. You want proof? I’ll give it to you. But you’re going to be sober for it.” His authoritative tone left no room for argument.
Shit.
“And,” he added. I tried not to roll my eyes at what else he could possibly want. “I’ll take you to your homeland.”
I snorted. “So you’re going to show me my people then take me to see my dead Nation? How could I possibly refuse? ”
“No,” Ryker stated firmly. “I will take you to Atara so you can stand on your restored Nation. The first Ataran to return.”
I leaned my head back and laughed so hard my stomach cramped. But when I looked at Ryker again, his expression was unchanged, and I realized he wasn’t joking.
“Wait. You’re serious? How… No. It’s not possi—”
Oh, Gods. Kya…
“I won’t bother explaining since you wouldn’t believe me anyway. But, if you want to see it for yourself and you want to see your people, you’re going to stop ruining your life and the lives of everyone around you.” There wasn’t a shred of compassion in his eyes, and I knew if I didn’t quit demid he would never take me.
At least he needs to believe I have.
“I’m not that fucking stupid, Malina. I may be using words as a courtesy, but I don’t have to,” he sneered.
My brows creased, not understanding what he was talking about. He leaned closer so I could see the severity in his silver eyes.
“I know your mind. I know your memories. Try as you like, but you can’t lie to me.”
My eyes widened as I realized Ryker wasn’t moving his lips.
He’s a mind wielder.
Thinking back, I remembered he had entered my mind before at the Rip. At the time, I was so consumed in my grief that I hadn’t realized what happened.
“I’ll be back in two weeks. If you haven’t abandoned the demid by then, I will assume you never will.”
“Take me there now. Let me meet them,” I demanded, still shocked by the fact he could hear all of my thoughts at will.
His eyes narrowed. “They need to be protected. And you can’t protect anyone the way you are now. Not your Nation, not even yourself. Get your shit together, Malina. It’s not a request.”
With my mouth hanging open, Ryker’s wings snapped open and he thrust himself into the darkness of the night, leaving me alone.
Waking up in my bed, I had the vague recollection of slinking my way back to Morah and making it to my room just as dawn was approaching. Gasping, I sat up quickly with a cloudy memory of speaking with Ryker. So much had happened last night, and I was so delirious from the demid I wasn’t sure if it was real or some kind of messed up dream. But I felt a slight dampness in my clothes, smell the faint scent of horse, and I knew it had happened.
My first thought was to take another dose and forget all about it. That would have made everything so much easier. Except Ryker’s promise rested at the forefront of my mind, and I hesitated to reach for the vial beneath the mattress.
He would know.
It was outrageous. He was probably lying. I bet Hakoa or Nikan—Udon’s balls, maybe even Eamon—urged him to do it. I scoffed to myself. Of course he would lie. He didn’t give a shit about me.
I started to reach for the demid, aching for that euphoric numbness once again, but I stopped myself just before my fingers could wrap around the glass cylinder.
What if there really are Atarans living in Oryn? What if Atara really is being restored? Is it worth the risk of never knowing just to take another dose?
I sat on my bed and pondered. If Atara was healing, what were the chances that someone other than Ryker knew? I’d bet pretty high. It’s a big-ass Nation, someone other than Ryker had to have known about it. Which meant Eamon likely knew as well. Old fucker knew everything.
Only one way to find out.
I wanted to take a dose—it was habitual at this point—but I resisted, thinking I could wait just a little longer. Hopping out of bed, I put on clean clothes and threw my messy hair into a ponytail then headed down to Eamon’s study. I didn’t know if he was back yet, but he had never been gone this long before, so I assumed he would be. Sure enough, I found him sitting behind his paper-covered desk, his pen scratching against parchment with his head bent down.
I cleared my throat audibly, announcing my presence. He looked up and smiled widely.
“Malina,” he sighed with what looked like relief and got up to greet me with an embrace. “It’s good to see you. How are you?”
“Is Atara being restored?” I didn’t hesitate to jump to the point.
Eamon’s lips flattened. “What?”
Mother above… “Eamon, just answer the question. Is my homeland healing?”
He remained silent.
“I have a right to know,” I said firmly, standing my ground while looking up at him.
He took a deep breath. “Yes, it’s true. I’ve seen it.”
All the breath in my lungs left my body. “Why didn’t you tell me? Does Nik know?”
I swore to the Gods… I felt so betrayed already that Eamon knew, but if Nikan knew also…
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve been trying to tell him, but we haven’t been in the same place at the same time since I found out.”
That didn’t make me feel any better.
“Again, why didn’t you tell me ?” I demanded through clenched teeth.
“Malina…” he sighed.
“Eamon! There is no good reason as to why you would keep this from me—”
“There is a very good reason I kept it from you!” Eamon had never once raised his voice with me.
It startled me, and my eyes widened, hardly believing he even had the capability.
“This is important. Keeping this information contained is crucial and telling you would have been a huge risk.”
I flinched at his words. He didn’t trust me.
“I’m not angry with you, child,” his voice softened. “But you have to accept the reality of your situation.”
The demid.
I swallowed and looked away, wrapping my arms around myself.
“You know?” I whispered.
“Of course I know.”
“Let me guess—Nik told you? No, wait. I bet it was Ryker ,” I spat his name.
Eamon placed his hand on my shoulder, and I glanced back at him. “No one had to tell me. I’ve been around for a very long time, and I know the presenting symptoms. I also know some things that can help, if you’re willing to listen. Atara needs you. Kya isn’t here to protect it, so it’s up to us to protect it for her until she returns.”
Except she won’t.
“But the hard truth is right now, in your state, you’re more likely to harm it.”
I knew I should stop taking demid. It had gotten out of hand. I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I didn’t want to, I liked the way it made me feel. I liked how it made me forget everything and dulled the pain of my reality. While I knew it was making me hurt those around me, I also knew it would hurt me even more if I quit. I wasn’t sure I could do it, if I had the will to overcome this desire.
But as I looked into Eamon’s pleading gaze, I couldn’t tell him no—I would rather lie than bear the shame of his disappointment. I already had Nikan’s. I couldn’t take Eamon’s as well.
“Of course,” I said quietly with a short, placating nod.
He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, making me feel guilty for giving him hope I couldn’t promise to keep.
“Okay. I’ll write down a few titles for you to read.” He turned to his desk and started making a list.
I mentally rolled my eyes and groaned. This was not going the way I planned. Somehow, it turned into being about me and not about Atara.
“What about the Atarans?” I asked.
It was one thing to keep the information about Atara from me, but to keep the knowledge of our people still living on the continent… That would be cruel.
He looked up at me with a raised brow. “What about them?”
“The ones in Oryn. Did you keep that from us too? Did you keep us away from our people?” My anger rose as I thought about it more. It would have been inconvenient for him to lose the Roav.
Would he really have deceived us like that? No. There’s no way.
“I think you’re confused,” he said, softening his eyes. “There aren’t any Atarans in Oryn. There would be records, or at the very least, rumors. And after twenty years, I would have heard about them.” He offered me a tight smile and went back to scribbling titles and tips on quitting demid.
So either Ryker really is lying to me, or he has somehow been able to keep their presence in Oryn covered up so well no one else in the realm knows about them.
I would find out soon enough. But there was one thing I knew that I could confirm on my own. And I could do it right now.
Eamon turned to hand me the paper, and I took it from him, reading his list of books and instructions. I held back my scoff when I saw his suggestion to talk to someone about the ‘root of the problem.’
“Thanks, Eamon,” I said and quickly left the room, not even waiting for a response.
Darting back up to my rooms, I couldn’t tell if I was nervous or excited. Probably both. But I also knew I was terrified. Terrified at what I would find or what I wouldn’t. Either way, everything would change.
I needed to see for myself.
I packed a bag, shoving in some clothes and food I took from Nikan’s rooms. I went back and forth on whether I should wait on Nikan to return to take him with me, but I needed to know now, and I could come back with him later.
Only to appease Eamon, I grabbed one of the titles he had suggested and packed it too. I debated on leaving the demid, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was just in case.
After traveling by horse for two days, I was nearing my destination. I rode day and night, despite the cold of winter, only stopping when the gelding needed rest or food and water.
I needed to keep moving, driven by the promise I had made to myself that if Ryker and Eamon were lying—not that Eamon would have any reason to lie—and Atara wasn’t being restored, then I would throw back a vial out of spite. Until then, I resisted the temptation. But just barely.
It was all I could think about.
Doing my best to keep myself distracted, I attempted to think of anything else. But most of it just brought me back to that dark place that drove me to taking the demid in the first place.
My fingers itched to reach for my pack behind me. Every clink of the glass from the horse’s steps made me crave it even more.
Just one vial to hold me off until I get there. One more won’t hurt.
No. Don’t. You can do this, Mal.
I slowed my horse to a walk and grabbed my water canteen. I tried to trick myself into thinking it was the demid or at least something much stronger. When that didn’t work, I took out Eamon’s list and read it over and over.
According to his instructions, I needed to recognize that I had fallen to the effects of the elixir, but I didn’t feel like I had. I could stop. I had proven that already with the time I was with Nikan and again now. I just didn’t want to.
But then I really thought about it. His list made it seem like it was so easy. It also made me realize how much it wasn’t. The memory of my crazed desperation for it to the point I quite literally licked the demid off the floor and effectively severed any relationship I had with Hakoa.
I took a deep breath and sighed, ashamed of myself for taking this long to finally recognize it. “I’ve fallen to the effects of the demid.”
Eamon’s list also said I needed to talk to someone about the real problem, talk about what had driven me to demid in the first place.
Nope.
On and on it went about accepting what I’ve done, overcoming the guilt of hurting those closest to me, and a bunch of other shit.
“Oh yeah, sure. I’ll overcome it just like that. If it were that fucking easy, I wouldn’t have resorted to using demid in the first place,” I mumbled under my breath.
Folding up the piece of paper, I put it back in the bag and pulled out the text I had brought. Pharmacokinetics and Biochemical Factors for Substance Use . The title made my eyes cross, but at least it would serve as a distraction. Or at least bore me to sleep.
Either way, it was effective in passing the time because the next thing I knew I was coming up to the edge of the treeline at the border of Atara as it neared dusk. Shutting the book and keeping my eyes trained in front of me, my heart pounded as I drew nearer.
I had taken this same path so many times over the years, I knew each and every tree and rock from secretly visiting my lost home. The first time was twenty years ago when my parents carried me, fleeing the Glaev with the rest of the few survivors from our decimated village.
Pulling my weary horse to a stop, I hopped off, dried leaves crunching beneath my weight. I turned to face the direction of the treeline. It was only a few more steps before I’d be able to see the other side.
For some reason, that was daunting. Unsure if it was the fear of having my hopes crushed or the anticipation of the possibility that my life would change forever. My feet wouldn’t move, and my heart beat against my chest.
When I was younger, I used to wake up each morning hoping this was all some nightmare, and I would open my eyes to find myself back in my small home with my family once again—only to be disappointed each and every day, when I would see the obsidian walls of Morah surrounding me.
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath in an attempt to prepare myself for whatever it was I would find. When I opened them, I tightened my pack over my shoulders and willed myself to move forward.
One step.
Whatever I was about to find would determine my future.
Another step.
I was either going to get rid of the demid forever…
Another step.
…or I was going to swallow my corruption.
Another step.
Then another and another.
The other side of the treeline came into view, and I nearly fell to my knees. My feet carried me across the forest floor until I was standing before an open plain of fresh, newly formed grass where there was once nothing but scarred wasteland as far as the eye could see.
“Atara…” I breathed.
…the first Ataran to return…
The memory of Ryker’s words played in my head as I stared at my feet, frozen in place in front of my Nation’s border.
One more step, and you’re home.
The world around me stopped as I lifted my foot and placed it on the grass.
Emotion overwhelmed me as I stared at my feet. Tears fell over my smiling lips as I gasped a laugh. I couldn’t believe it.
“Welcome home, sunshine.”
Startling at the unexpected voice, I whipped my head around to see Hakoa walking toward me from the trees where Ryker stood with his wings tucked behind him. Nikan was standing right beside my sister’s mate. I didn’t know why they were here or how they knew I’d be here, and it had me on edge.
Trying to pull myself together, I straightened my shoulders and raised my chin.
Gods, I was already emotional as it was, I didn’t need Hakoa here now. Not after what I had said to him. When he was near, everything was confusing. I didn’t want him here, yet at the same time, I did…
I wanted him close. He made me feel wanted for who I was, not what I was capable of or what my body had to offer.
But I would just hurt him.
“Hakoa—”
He grabbed my face in his hands, and his mouth crashed into mine.
It was like a piece of my dull soul was finally filled with light at the touch of his lips.
I gasped and pulled back, hesitating.
He had to have been angry with me. I had hurt him in the worst way possible. But my breath hitched when I saw a smile tugging at his lips.
“You’re here,” he breathed a whisper, as if he couldn’t believe it.
I nodded. “ You’re here.”
My chin trembled. Tears fell down my cheeks, and he wiped them away.
“I always will be.”
My heart skipped, and I knew right then what I needed to do. For him, for Nikan, for Eamon.
For them.
For me.
“I… I need help,” I gasped through the tears.
The planes of his face hardened, his eyes filled with compassion and understanding I didn’t deserve, but I couldn’t look away.
“Okay. What do you need?”
“Take my bag,” I choked out a sob. “Take it away from me. Please. Destroy it.”
He nodded and kissed my forehead.
Tenderly, Hakoa removed my pack from my shoulders, releasing me from the burden it contained. The weight being lifted away from me was like a punch to the gut. My fingers contracted into claws, every fiber of my being itching to snatch it back. I thrust my hands behind me but was unable to hide the widening of my eyes—watching it as if it was my life-source.
He took a step back away from me and looked at Ryker. They were silent for a moment, then Ryker gave a single slow nod as he approached. Hakoa handed him the bag, filled with the vials I had become so reliant on, that I was so achingly desperate for.
I started gasping for air, unable to take in a full breath as the realization of what I was about to do hit me.
I wanted it. I didn’t want to stop. But I needed to.
Ryker’s lips thinned into a sad, knowing smile before he shifted his wings and swiftly took to the skies. The blood drained from my face in pure dread, and regret washed over me.
I lept for his feet in a desperate attempt to stop him, but an arm wrapped around my waist and held me firmly. I collapsed to my knees and clawed at the dirt, trying to get away, trying to get it back, as I watched Ryker fly out of sight.
“Oh, Gods…” I sobbed, cradling my face in my trembling hands.
I’m not strong enough for this. What am I going to do? What am I going to do…
Hakoa pulled me into his lap, and I buried my face in his chest as I wailed, already knowing the kind of anguish that awaited me.
“Shh,” he soothed, brushing his hand down my hair. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
This was my fault. I did this to myself. I felt like I was going to die—but I wouldn’t.
Sitting in my homeland and wrapped in Hakoa’s embrace, he held me as I finally let myself feel.